For the last ten days, RJ and I had been dancing on eggshells. I managed to get a doctor’s appointment the day after Shit Storm Jase blew through, but it wasn’t quite that simple. Since RJ and I hadn’t been protected, they offered to test him at the same time they tested me, but we still had to wait for test results. Even though the pregnancy test they gave me was positive, I had to wait for an ultrasound, which was so much more anxiety inducing than the blood work.
We were both so on edge that we didn’t even bother trying to make small talk on the trip back to the doctor. We were getting ready to have the ultrasound, and depending on what they said, it could make or break us. I knew RJ said it didn’t matter, but it did. Deep down, I knew it mattered to him, and if I were being honest, it mattered to me, too. I didn’t know how much I didn’t want to have a baby with anyone other than RJ until I was forced to consider it.
I sat there, staring out the window, twisting my fingers together between my thighs, and trying my best to calm my racing nerves.
How could I have let this happen?
My stomach flip‑flopped, and I covered my mouth as the tears began falling. I couldn’t help but mentally berate myself for my actions. If by chance this were Jase’s child, how could RJ and I still work? I meant every word I said when I told him I would never go back to Jase, child or no child. If I had to raise this baby on my own, so be it.
He linked our fingers together and brought my hand to his lips. I refused to look at him while I dealt with my mini meltdown.
“Babe, I love you. It doesn’t matter what happens in there, remember? A promise is a promise.” I nodded, grateful for his understanding but still feeling a little unsure. I hated to think how differently Jase would have reacted had the tables been turned. I didn’t know if I’d ever stop hating myself for putting RJ through this.
“We’re here.” RJ put my car in park. I reached for the door handle, but he pulled me to him. He didn’t kiss me like he normally would have. Instead, he held me close. I let the steady drum of his heart and his hand on the back of my head calm me down a bit.
“Thank you,” I mumbled against his shirt.
“No need to thank me. I’m here for you, whatever you need.” I nodded. “Ready?” I nodded again. “Let me get the door for you.”
After a beat, I pulled away and tried my best to smile, after all this time he was still a gentleman.
From the car to the reception desk, not once did RJ’s hand leave the small of my back. The warmth from his touch helped to ease the weighted feeling in my chest. I didn’t think I could do this without him by my side.
“Hi, Addilyn,” the receptionist greeted.
“Hi. Did you need me to sign in?” I reached for the pen attached to the clipboard.
“Nope, I already have you checked in. Just have a seat, and we’ll get you into a room shortly.”
“Thank you.” I turned, almost running smack dab into RJ’s chest. “Sorry,” I whispered.
“Don’t be.” I let him lead me through the small waiting room and he traded touching the small of my back for holding my hand as we took our seats. He took my hand in his and rubbed a small path back and forth with his thumb. Then, after a minute or two, he reached over to the table beside him, grabbed a parenting magazine, and set it on his lap, mindlessly thumbing through the pages, probably pretending to be interested.
My eyes shifted back and forth with each page flip. I speed read the headlines of articles and took in every advertisement for formulas and diapers and breast pumps. When he stopped flipping, my eyes keyed in on the big, bold yellow lettering of: “Dos and Don’ts in your First Trimester.”
“Addilyn.” I looked up. “Right this way please.” His hand remained a permanent fixture on my back as the nurse led us down a bright, cream‑colored hallway into a dim exam room. The nurse took my vitals and gave me the same spiel I’d heard years ago. What to take off that, leave on this, put the paper gown on, and the doctor will be in shortly.
After helping me get situated, RJ pulled up a chair and sat right next to me.
“You’re going to be okay.” There was so much love and admiration in his eyes that, for the first time in days, I actually felt like I could be.
“Yeah. I mean, there’s nothing to it, right?” We both laughed a bit, knowing it was the furthest thing from the truth, and RJ gave me a gentle kiss between my eyebrows.
A soft knock came from the other side of the door and was followed by a dainty voice that matched it. “Addilyn, may I come in?”
“Yes.”
Dr. Clark took a seat. “It’s nice to see you both again.” I smiled. “Before we get started, I did want to inform you that I received your test results, and they were all negative.” She smiled, and a breath of relief escaped me.
“Thank you.” RJ squeezed my hand, and I knew he felt the relief, too. One obstacle down, one to go.
“You’re welcome.” She busied herself preparing for my ultrasound, typing as she spoke. “My technician went home sick, so I’ll be performing your ultrasound today . . . I hope you don’t mind.” She smiled her professional smile, a slight variation from the compassionate one from just a couple minutes ago. I shook my head and snuck a quick glance in RJ’s direction. His eyes were intent on the black monitor.
“Perfect.” She grabbed the tube of goo. “All right, this might be a little cold,” she warned, squirting a generous amount of the blue gel on my belly. Then she pulled a handheld device from its hook and smeared the goo before applying a bit of pressure. The small room filled with a swooshing sound, and a couple of strong beats came through the speakers. Fascinated, both RJ and I kept our eyes glued to the monitor. A light gray glob the size of a blueberry sat right in the middle, moving in tune with the beating sound.
“Is that our baby?” RJ asked, and I knew if I looked at him, I would start crying. His feelings were right there in his voice, wonderment and love and awe. Emotion caught in my throat, and I willed myself not to cry. He said “our baby.”
“It is,” Dr. Clark confirmed. “That’s your child’s heartbeat . . . nice and strong.” She moved the Doppler around on my flat belly a few times and typed on her keyboard. RJ and I waited patiently. Heck, we probably would have waited all day long as long as she kept the monitor up.
“Do you think we’ll be able to get a due date?” I asked, swallowing my nerves.
“Yes, ma’am,” she replied, her eyes intent on the screen, occasionally squinting and typing.
Between watching the monitor and trying to find the strength to look at RJ’s face, I prayed my gut was right and this baby was his. I had done the math over and over and over again, which helped a great deal to calm me, and each time I decided there was no way this baby was Jase’s. Still, I continued to count. We still needed to know how far along I was before I would let myself feel any joy.
“Hmm.” Dr. Clark’s eyebrows pinched, and she leaned a little closer to the screen. I cringed as dread filtered through me. My heart started to beat wildly in my chest, and I looked to RJ, who had gone pale and was rubbing his hand along his thigh.
“Is everything okay?” His voice shook, and he sat straight in his chair.
“Nothing to worry about, everything looks good. Let me get a few more measurements.”
He nodded and swallowed hard, and I offered him a smile, hoping to comfort him while I fell to chaos inside.
A minute or two later, Dr. Clark set the Doppler back in its holder and turned to us. “Well, everything looks good and, from what I calculated, it looks like you’re right around nine weeks along.” RJ and I both sighed in unison and smiled at each other. There was no way my baby’s father was anyone other than RJ.
“There’s a good possibility of a Thanksgiving baby. And there’s another thing . . .” We both looked back to her, our smiles gone. “There’s nothing to worry about.” She laughed and shook her head a bit. “Though, you might want to brace yourselves. You’re expecting twins.”
“What?” RJ’s voice was low and tinged with disbelief. “Two?” He swallowed hard then took a deep breath. “Two babies?”
“That is correct.”
“Holy sh—” I whipped my head in his direction, and he mouthed sorry. This was equally shocking for both of us, but there was no reason for him not to mind his manners.
“Do either of you have any questions for me?” she asked, and something niggled at me, pushing me to ask.
I found my voice and softly spoke, “Is it safe?” I snuck a quick glance at RJ. “I mean . . . having a prior miscarriage.” I swallowed my nerves. “Do you think I’ll be able to carry two babies to term?”
Her bedside manner shifted to add a little compassion. “I understand your concerns, but I’ll be honest with you. With any pregnancy, there is a risk of miscarriage, which drops considerably after twelve weeks. Most carry to term and deliver safely. Twins do pose a slight increase in risk, but there is nothing to say that you cannot or will not have two healthy babies and a normal pregnancy. I just want you to focus on taking care of yourself and those babies.”
“Okay.” It was all I could manage as I looked back to the screen.
“Thank you, Dr. Clark, we appreciate your help,” RJ said for the both of us.
“You’re very welcome. Don’t forget to make your next appointment before you leave. Take your time getting dressed, and I’ll see you soon.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re very welcome. Oh, and if you should have any questions after you get home and have time to process the news, please feel free to call me.”
RJ didn’t say another word until the doctor slipped out and shut the door.
“Babe, two babies?” His smirk did little to hide the worry in his eyes, but he still laughed and bent to kiss me. “Well, I told you I wanted lots of babies. This is definitely a great way to start.”
I nodded. “I need to get dressed.” I sat up and swung my legs over the side of the table, but then he was there in front of me, bending so I didn’t have to tilt my head to look in his eyes.
“I love you so damn much. Thank you for all of this. I promise I’ll be the best daddy to these two—”
I placed my palm on his cheek, and my heart filled with so much love. Of course, RJ would be the best father possible to these babies. I had always known that.
“Addie?”
“Yes?”
“Marry me?”
My heart stalled, and my breathing caught. Two words that should have made me the happiest woman on earth—didn’t. Not in that moment. I carefully drew my hand away from him, wanting nothing more than to climb off that exam table and hide. He did it again—on impulse—because he was panicking.
The first time RJ proposed, we were both too young for marriage. He had panicked, too afraid of letting me go that he proposed in the front seat of my car. He was panicking then, too, just for different reasons.
“Addie.” The worry made its way back into his voice, and he reached for me. “Babe, say something please. You look like you’re going to be sick.”
“I need to get changed. We should head home.” I barely got out before looking away from him. If I didn’t, I was sure the tears would start to fall. I didn’t want him thinking I didn’t want to be with him. Hating myself for thinking it, my reasons were of the selfish kind.
Was it wrong to dream that if, or when, RJ proposed to me again, it would be a romantic gesture and for no other reason than because he wanted to spend his life with me?
Yes, RJ always put me first, but I needed this. I wanted it to be right. And this wasn’t it.
I scooted off the bed and got dressed, neither of us saying a word. The tension was thick as he led me out of the room and then stopped at the reception desk to make my next appointment. His hand remained on the small of my back the whole time, but it didn’t hold the same comforting feeling as it did an hour ago.
We drove home in the exact same stifling silence as we drove to the doctor. Sound barely filtered out of the radio, not nearly loud enough to drown out my worry. I rested my head against my clasped hands that were pressed to the window. Not once did I look in RJ’s direction. I couldn’t bear to see the pain or worry on his face. I knew how much this was killing him inside, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell him why I hadn’t given him an answer.
He pulled into my driveway, and I didn’t wait for him to come around and open my door. Tears pricked behind my eyes, and I kept my head down, not wanting him to see how upset I was.
“Addie . . .” I didn’t turn to face him, and I didn’t stop walking.
“I’m going to take a shower.”
“Addie, will you just stop and listen to me! You’re doing it again. You’re running, but this time I won’t let you.” She scoffed quietly. “You know what, babe, go and have your shower. Wash away all that hurt and pain and negativity from our past that we cannot change.” I wrapped my arms around her from behind and pressed a kiss on the top of her head. “I know you’re scared, but things are different. There’s no reason we should hold back anymore.” I stepped away from her and allowed her to walk away.
Playing back to the moment those two words slipped, my heart plummeted to the cold floor. She avoided my eyes, and with the lack of a response, I knew she was refusing my proposal—again. That was twice. No. That was completely unacceptable. Addie was pregnant with two of my babies, and I wanted . . . no I needed for her to be my wife. This would not work if she wasn’t. I refused to do the separate house, co‑parenting bullshit. When those babies were born, she would have my last name. We would be one family.
I heard the shower turn on and walked to the kitchen. I needed some time to myself. I had no idea how my mind was going to take the news my heart was on the verge of delivering. I grabbed two beers and made my way out back.
Sitting on the top porch step, I let my mind run free. Anything and everything I could have possibly thought of I did, but not a single thought excluded Addie. The two of us lazily playing with our children, her belly swollen with another baby on the way, my ring on her finger. I wanted this life with Addie, and I refused to take it at a snail’s pace any longer. Too much time had already been wasted.
I drank my beer and analyzed every reason why she would need time to think about accepting my proposal. Was it because I didn’t give her a ring?
The ring that was burning a fucking hole in my pocket? The ring I had been carrying around for a week while I tried to find the right time for perfect? Was she still hell bent on that bullshit excuse that we hadn’t been back together long? Well, too late for that, she was pregnant with my children.
I took a few deep breaths as I finished off my first beer and opened the second one. I was halfway through it when I heard the door open and close behind me. Without looking, I patted the space next to me in silent invitation. Not that she ever needed one to be close to me.
“Babe,” I pacified when she didn’t move.
She eventually sat next to me, filling the small space, and for a good minute or two, she was quiet. She fidgeted, wringing her hands. Every so many seconds, she swallowed hard and nervously nibbled her bottom lip.
“Addie, this is me. You have nothing to be nervous about. You can tell me what’s got your mind so jumbled.”
Silence.
She tucked her hair behind her ear. “Why do you want to marry me?” She spoke low, as if she were almost afraid to ask.
“Excuse me?” I shifted, leaning my elbow on my thigh and my chin against my fist before turning to face her. Her eyes were a mixture of sadness and longing. Her lips were pulled into a side smile.
I brushed a strand of hair behind her ear, needing to feel her. “Are you really expecting me to answer that?” My knuckle grazed her cheek, and she closed her eyes. A pained look crossed her face, and I questioned myself, asking why this was so difficult for her.
“Why?” Her posture stiffened. “Why do you want to marry me?”
“Scoot over here,” I said, guiding her to the step right in front of me. This way I could hold her and explain exactly what she needed to hear.
Encasing her in strong legs and arms, I began, “First and foremost, the easiest and obvious answer is because I love you. You’re mine; you always have been.” Then my mind drew a blank. One of the few times I needed my senses to cooperate, and they failed me. “I’m kind of at a loss here, babe. Being put on the spot is not that easy for me.” I rested my chin atop her head. Trying to formulate into words all the reasons why we should be husband and wife brought me to the conclusion . . .
“It’s no secret I’ve always wanted you to be my wife . . . not once has that changed.”
“But, why?”
“Remember the first time I showed up at one of your football games?”
She nodded, and even though I couldn’t see her face, I could hear the smile in her voice. “I couldn’t forget if I tried.”
“I was so damn nervous that night. I had noticed you the second day the school year started, and it took me almost three months to approach you.” I shook my head, chuckling at how weak in the knees this girl had made me even back then. “I knew, from that moment on, that if you gave me the time of day or spoke one word to me, I would be done. You would always be the one.”
“I was so nervous to talk to you, too.” She rested her hand on my thigh. “I had liked you for a while, but I never thought one of the school’s heartthrobs would ever look at me.”
“Seriously?” I laughed a bit at that. “You’re beautiful, babe. Not to mention ridiculously smart and sweet. Do you have any idea how many guys wanted to ask you out?” She looked over her shoulder at me, and I could pretty much see the word “bullshit” hanging off the tip of her tongue. “I’m serious. I caught so much hell from AJ’s teammates because quite a few of them had their eyes on you.”
“I never noticed.”
“And thank God for that. I would have gladly beaten every single one of their asses to get to you first. It’s not only that. It’s all the little things, too. The first time you let me kiss you; I knew bubble gum would always be my favorite flavor. Or the first time I let you drive my truck in the school parking lot . . .” She hung her head, embarrassed with where this was going.
“You’re never going to let me live that down, are you?”
“Nope. That was pretty epic, you backing into that dude’s pickup, only to deny—”
“I did not back into him, he reversed into me!” she stubbornly pleaded her case, her cheeks turning that same shade of red.
“No way, babe.” I laughed again. “No one was in his truck.”
“Oh, whatever.”
“Then there’s when I rile you up, and you call me an ‘ass’.”
“Ass.”
I grinned. “Exactly. It’s all the little things, but my favorite would have to be the way your eyes gloss over and turn to sapphires when we’re about to make love.” I stood and reached into my right pocket. I had hoped for the right time to do this, maybe take her out to dinner and make a big ordeal out of it. I had hoped wrong. This was the perfect moment.
I moved to the step below her and knelt on bended knee, my fist turned up, resting on her thigh, I forged on. “The night we first made love, before we even got our tattoos . . .” I released the tight grip of my hand. Addie’s eyes were so intent on mine that she was oblivious to the diamond searing a hole in my open palm. “We made a promise, Addie—”
“If you’re going to love me—promise me it’s forever.” She swallowed her breath. “I could never forget those words you asked me to promise you.”
Addie’s eyes followed mine as they shifted to my open palm. Her breath hitched, and a half second later, tears full of love fell from her beautiful blue eyes.
“It’s not because of the babies?” she asked. “In the doctor’s office, when you asked me, it wasn’t because I’m pregnant?”
I shook my head. Though, I shouldn’t have been surprised she thought that. There was no other woman I would want to share any of this with. There never was another woman I would’ve have shared this with.
“I love you.” I caressed the side of her face, and she leaned into my touch. “I’ve always loved you, even if there weren’t any babies in your belly, I would still love you and want you to be my wife. We’re a family, and I want nothing more than for our babies to know that their mommy and daddy love them, but only because they loved each other first.” I held the ring suspended at the tip of her ring finger. “Addie, will you be my wife?”
She bit at her bottom lip, trying to smile as her tears fell freely. “Yes, I love you, RJ, and I would love to be your wife.” I slid the ring onto her finger and made sure it was secure before holding Addie’s face between my hands, bringing her to stand with me.
“On one condition.”
By her words, I should have been concerned or freaking out, but I wasn’t. I had my girl, and she agreed to be my wife. “Anything.”
“Can we have a small wedding? Just you, me, and the officiant?”
“On one condition?” I mimicked.
Addie raised one eyebrow and smiled. “And what would that be?”
“You move in with me today. No more waiting. We start moving your stuff in and officially become a family.”
“RJ.” She pressed her forehead to my chest, and this time I didn’t force her to agree. I needed to know if she would come willingly, but if she fought me on it, then I would haul her by her pretty ass and love her into submission. “Okay, we start being a family . . . starting today.” Looking up at me, she smiled the brightest smile I had ever seen. “I love you.”
“And I love you.” With my hand secure to the back of her neck and my arm around her waist, I pulled her close to me and kissed her with everything in me. Grateful for this moment. Grateful for her. Grateful that we had finally made good on our promise.