I took a seat on a short stack of lumber away from the rest of the crew. I needed a few minutes to myself. From the minute I slid out of bed this morning, I felt like a cloud of crap hovered above me. Time was ticking faster as each day passed, leaving me behind in its wake . . . alone and in a constant low-grade panic.
The letter I got in the mail a few weeks back from the University of North Carolina came to mind again. It had politely and professionally let me know that I could go fuck myself. Time was running out. We had seven days before Addie Mae would be gone and I would be all alone. Each time I contemplated packing my bags and going with her, my voice of reason reminded me how selfish I was acting.
Mumbling choice words at the thought of the crumpled fancy‑logoed paper I had shoved in the trash, the question “now what” hit me like a sucker punch. Tyler would be leaving for his basic training at Langley Air Force Base in the morning. Lilly would be leaving for Alabama in a couple of days, Piper was on her way to Texas already, and a bunch of our other friends were long gone.
I drew in a slow and steady breath when a sudden urge had me wanting to pull my hair out. It was a good thing I didn’t have anything in my hands, otherwise, whatever it was would have been fast‑pitched against my truck.
My phone vibrated in my pocket, and I swore to myself it would not be my victim as I pulled it out. There was a picture of Addie blowing me a kiss, and the subject simply read, “I love you.” This girl would always have my heart. I sent her a quick text back, asking her what time she would be home from work. She was still working at the camp, and every day she would come home drained but happy. She had fallen in love with those kids, but I knew she was ready for the camp to come to an end.
Addie: Same as always! :) Can we hang out at your house?
Me: Anything you want, babe.
“When I’m a principal and you’re some hot shot CEO of your daddy’s company . . .” Addie’s words played in my head. She was always so encouraging, finding the silver lining in most shitty situations. I had been so negative lately, dwelling on all that I was losing, not once did I give myself the chance to think deeper about what I would be good at. There were other things I could do, right? There had to be. Maybe if I took the time and talked to my dad, he could help me figure something out.
My phone vibrated again.
Ty: Meet me for a beer after work?
Me: Your place?
Ty: Yup.
Me: I’ll be there.
After pushing the send button, I tucked my phone in my back pocket, took a deep breath, and headed back for the second half of my workday.
By the time five o’clock rolled around, I was in desperate need of that beer.
I pulled up at Ty’s house, parked my truck, and hopped out. Ty’s dad was sitting all alone on the porch swing, so I smiled as I took the porch steps two at a time.
“Hey, Mr. G, how are you?” I walked over and shook his hand.
“Good, son, and you?”
“Not too bad.” Another half‑truth.
“Ty’s out back.”
“Mrs. G inside?” I threw my thumb over my shoulder. “Wanted to say hi first.”
“That’s probably not a good idea right now.” He tensed. “The Mrs. isn’t taking all this too well.”
I lowered my gaze. “I understand. Tyler leaving has to be taking a toll on her. I’m sure my mother would’ve been sick to her stomach if I were in his shoes.” I wanted to be in his shoes. I tucked both hands in my front pockets.
“You decide what you’re going to do now?” I looked him straight in the eyes, silently asking just what he was getting at. “Ty and I had a long talk one night. He mentioned your first test score not being quite high enough.”
I cringed.
“You know, son . . . sometimes in life there’s a plan that’s already set out for us. We don’t understand it, hell most times we don’t like it, we fight it, and we keep on fighting it, but there is something out there meant just for you. I know you boys dreamed of doing this together, but . . . maybe this just wasn’t that ‘something’ for you.”
I nodded. Deep down I knew he was right, but I still didn’t have it in me to look past all the anger and disappointment I had.
“Thanks, Mr. G.”
“Anytime, son.” I began walking away when he called my name again, “RJ . . . and just because Tyler’s away, doesn’t mean you have to be a stranger. Door’s always open.”
I swallowed hard. “Thanks. I appreciate that.”
He nodded once, got up, and disappeared into the house.
I found Ty sitting on the picnic table, his elbows dug into his thighs, a beer in his hand staring out at nothing.
“What’s up, fucker?” I hopped up onto the table, grabbed the lone beer sitting next to him, and met him in a fist bump.
He just humphed and kept staring at the bottle in his hands.
“Why so blue, baby boo?” I cooed, trying to get a rise out of him. I took a swig from my bottle, but when Ty jabbed me in the side with his elbow, I almost spit beer everywhere. Of course he found this hilarious, so I tapped the top of his bottle with the bottom of mine, and his started to overflow. We laughed, cussed, and laughed some more, but then the air shifted when I asked, “You ready?”
“As I’ll ever be.”
“So, why the hell do you look like someone died?”
He turned, eyeing me. “You realize what this all means, right?” His voice cracked.
“Don’t give me none of that shit. You know you want this. We dreamed of this since we were kids.” I lowered my voice and looked away. “The only difference being my dream ends here.”
“You don’t get it do you?” He disengaged.
“Get what?”
I waited. I gave him the minute I knew he needed.
“This shit is not the same without you. We were supposed to do this together.” His voice rose, and he huffed out. “The chances of us actually being stationed in the same location were a long shot, I get it, but somehow we’d still get to live the dream—together.” He scuffed his boot against the bench.
“Maybe I was never meant to live this dream?” I spit out the words his dad had said to me a few minutes ago.
“Well, that’s just fucking bullshit.” His smile was tight as we sat there silent, gathering our thoughts. “I’m scared,” he admitted honestly. “A lot is changing. Too much. I have no idea what to do with Lils.” He got up and paced back and forth in front of the picnic table. “She’s going to school, and I’ll be in the military stationed only God knows where. The reality of this job is really setting in.” He looked me dead in the eye. “And what if by chance . . . I don’t make it back?”
“Don’t you fucking say stupid shit like that.” I hopped off the table and shoulder bumped him. “You’re going to walk onto that base and make something of yourself.” He sat back down on the table. “You’ll come home on leaves, we’ll hang out and get totally fucked up, and then you’ll go back to your base—wash, rinse, repeat.” I paused, needing to get a grip. “I’ll stay here and do whatever the fuck it is I’m supposed to do.” I inhaled a long breath. “Make a few trips, check on my girl, and make sure no pricks have moved in on my territory. This is all one big mind fuck. We are letting fear set in because we have no idea what’s going to happen. That’s probably why I can’t get my head out of my ass most days.” When did I become so philosophical?
“Yeah, you know . . . you’re right. Maybe you could tell my mom what you just said. She has a totally different opinion.”
“Dude, she’s your mom. What do you expect?”
“I just hate that she’s torn about this. She says she’s proud of me and that I’ll make an honest man of myself, but then she gets this look on her face when she doesn’t think anyone is watching. That’s what kills me, the way she tries to hide her fears for my sake.”
I exhaled a heavy breath. “Dude, this is too fucking heavy for me. I thought we were having a beer, not sitting around like the fucking Golden Girls.” I chuckled. We exchanged the heavy shit for random shit, finishing both our beers and then dicking around. Ty’s flight would be departing at seven the next morning, meaning he had to be at the airport early. I said my good‑byes and hauled ass home to take a shower before Addie got there.
I stood with a towel wrapped around my waist, water still dripping down my chest, and my fingertips digging into the moldings above my closet.
My parents were at some function tonight, and I had no idea what Addie had in mind. She refused to let me pick her up, insisting that she wanted to drive, but I didn’t know if we were actually going anywhere. To be honest, I was too stressed to go out in public, but if my girl wanted to go out, I would go out.
I pulled a pair of jeans from the stack, dropped the towel, and stepped into them. Who needed boxers when they were just another thing to take off, right? Ever since the night we made love in the back of my truck, Addie’s sexual appetite had soared. I wasn’t complaining, not even a little.
The doorbell rang as I was walking to the kitchen, and I did an about‑face. When my hand hit the knob, I paused. I didn’t know why. I knew Addie was on the other side, but I just needed a minute.
When I swung the door open, she was standing before me with a gorgeous smile on her face and a pizza box in her hand. This girl knew the way to my heart. I relieved her arms of the box and leaned forward, giving her a welcoming kiss.
“You always taste so damn good.” I smacked my lips and stood to the side, waiting for her to enter. “You look gorgeous, babe.”
“Thank you.”
Lately, all these dresses and little skirts she’d been parading around in drove me to the brink of sexual insanity. I swear she was taunting me on purpose. But the little denim skirt and navy-colored tank top she had on tonight made me think exceptionally dirty thoughts.
As soon as I set the box on the kitchen counter, I hooked my thumbs in the belt loops of her skirt and kissed the hell out of her, emotions exploding between us.
Forgetting to breathe was easy when our lips were locked together. My hands made their way around her body, and I caged her between my body and the counter before I broke the kiss. I refused to open my eyes until I had tattooed every single detail of the moment into my memory. When I opened them, Addie was looking at me with heat in her eyes and a sexy-as-fuck smirk on her face. Fuck the pizza; I wanted to be balls deep inside my girl.
“Babe, up.” I bent and grabbed the back of her thighs as she wrapped her arms around my neck. When I straightened, she hooked her ankles at the small of my back and pressed herself against me the entire way to my bedroom.
“How was work today? I thought you were burnt out.” I chuckled and shifted to sit face to face with her. After making love to her, I brought the cold pizza back to my bedroom where we ate in bed and talked.
“I was.” She licked pizza sauce from her thumb. “But I can’t help myself when we’re together.”
“I know what you mean.” I kissed her cheek.
“Jordan and Blake ran me ragged. Those two kids have way too much energy, and I’m not sure how the sun didn’t tucker them out. They hung off me all day at the pool.”
“Babe, how can you expect two little kids not to want to hang out with you? Plus, you’re hot—even seven‑year‑old kids can see that.”
Addie smacked my arm. “They do not think that! You are such a Neanderthal sometimes, you know that?”
“Hey, you’re my girl. It’s my job to be the jealous, over‑protective boyfriend, especially when you’re in your swimsuit.” I pulled her a little closer and nibbled the side of her neck, but I knew she was rolling her pretty blue eyes at me.
“How was your day?”
“Same ol’ thing. Clock in, off load materials, eat lunch, and repeat.”
“Sounds like fun.” She laughed.
“I don’t know about fun.” I felt my face drop.
“So are you? Driving with me to North Carolina?”
“Yeah, I think so.”
“Good. My dad doesn’t want me taking my car until I’m settled, so I mentioned that you offered to drive me. He said that was fine and that maybe after the first year when I know my way around the area, I can drive it back.”
“That makes sense.” Of course it did, and besides, I wanted to be able to drive her. Follow her as far as I could, all the way to her new doorstep. Just imagining the feeling of having to leave her behind made my stomach cramp.
“RJ?”
“Yeah, babe?”
She paused. “What are you going to do while I’m away? I mean . . . how are we going to make this work? We never really discussed it in detail, and I know you’ve been avoiding it. Honestly, so have I, but—”
“But what, Addie?” I sat up straight and stared at her. Her eyes welled with tears, and my stomach sank. Was this going to be her good‑bye? If it was, I didn’t want to hear it. Not now. Not ever. I swiped my thumb under her eye, but then she swatted my hand away and wiped the few tears that fell away herself.
“It’s . . . I just feel like I’m holding you back. Here I am going off on a new adventure, and I just expect you to be here waiting for me when I get back.”
“You don’t want me to wait?” She shrugged but wouldn’t meet my gaze. “Addie, what are you saying?”
“I’m not sure what I’m trying to say. That’s what’s making this even more stressful, I’m just so confused.” She looked away.
“Hey, this is me you’re talking to. You can tell me whatever is on that beautiful mind of yours.” Except that you don’t want me, I added silently.
She forced a smile. “I just feel so selfish. I wish you could come with me, but I know that’s not realistic. I just hope you don’t resent me later, you know?”
“I’ll never be good enough for you, you know that?” I shook my head, floored by the fact that she was thinking about me when all I’d done is think about myself. How I felt about her leaving. How I would go on with her gone. How all of this affected me.
“Why would you say something like that?” She scooted back until she was sitting against the headboard. I locked her pinky finger with mine.
“Because it’s true, but no matter what happens in life, just remember that we made a promise to one another.”
She kissed our linked fingers. “I will never forget.”
She was too far away from me, so I pulled her hand until she was in my lap and I wrapped my arms around her. “You know there is nothing that makes me happier than you naked in my lap, but what do you say we get dressed and move this to the living room before my parents show up and catch us red‑handed?”
“Good idea.”
I set the pizza box on the coffee table at the same time my parents walked through the front door.
“Hey, there, what are you two up to?” My mom kissed the top of my head and gently squeezed Addie’s shoulder.
“Hi, Addilyn—son.” My dad greeted us before making his way to his office.
“Nothing much.” I yawned, which made Addie yawn, too.
“Hey, I think I’m going to head home. The day is finally catching up with me.” She yawned again.
I stood from the couch and held my hand out for her. “You want me to drive you home? You can pick up your car tomorrow.”
She shook her head. “No, I’ll be fine. Thank you, though.” She kissed my cheek.
“Addilyn, if you’re exhausted, you’re more than welcome to sleep in the guest room.” My mother offered, and I looked at her like she just grew three heads.
“What?” My mother’s face remained serious, but I saw the tenderness in her eyes. “Well, it is late, and it’s not like we don’t have a guest bedroom.”
My jaw slacked, and I heard Addie giggle.
“Thank you, Mrs. Watson, but I’ll be okay.”
“Very well then, goodnight, dear,” my mother said before kissing Addie on the cheek.
I walked her out, and as soon as we made it to her car, Addie leaned against the door. “I can’t believe your mom asked if I wanted to sleep over.”
“Me either. You sure you don’t want to stay?” I grabbed her hand and laced our fingers together. “I could sneak into your bed after they fall asleep.”
“You’re crazy,” she said with a light laugh.
Addie pulled me closer by the front of my shirt. Our lips hovered until she wrapped her arm around my waist and threw me off balance. I slapped my palms on the window to keep from smashing her between me and the cold metal. Our mouths fused together, and she smiled into our kiss.
“I think you should stay the night,” I murmured against her lips as I rolled my hips against hers. She shook her head and delved her tongue deeper into my mouth.
Finally, we came up for air and Addie clutched her hands in my shirt and rested her forehead on my chest. “I love you, RJ. I love you so much. What are we going to do?”
The front porch light flickered off and then on again. I hated that my mother was signaling me to call it a night. Or, worse, she wanted to talk.
I pressed a goodnight kiss to Addie’s lips. “Don’t worry about it. We’ll figure it out, and I love you, too.” I took a step back and opened her door for her. “Come on, it’s late. You should head home.”
Standing there with the weight of the world on my shoulders, I waited until Addie drove out of sight. But then I remained standing a little longer, the worry in her voice replaying in my mind. This was the last thing I needed her to be worried about right before starting a new chapter in her life. I didn’t need her being worried about me and what I was going to do while she was away. She needed to concentrate, enjoy her college years, and make the best of it. My head kept telling my heart that she deserved someone better than me and that I had nothing to offer. I was being a selfish ass for not letting her have it all, but I didn’t know how to let her go.
I cracked my neck, rolled my shoulders, and prepared myself for what was waiting on the other side of our front door.
Sure enough, my mother was standing there waiting for me. She was also holding the crumpled rejection letter in her hand.
“Where’d you get that?”
“I’ve had it for a while.”
A combination of disappointment and sadness shone in her eyes, and my posture tensed. I didn’t dare look her straight in the eyes, I hated that I was a disappointment. I settled for a deep breath and concentrated on the family photo hanging on the wall behind her.
“RJ, why didn’t you ever say anything?” Her tone was one only a mom could have. It was supportive, understanding, and free of all judgment all at the same time. It wasn’t at all what I was expecting.
“I don’t know. There wasn’t anything to tell really. I never actually thought I would get in.”
“If you wanted to go away to school, I would have helped. Gotten tutors, helped with applications. You know I would have.”
“I know, Mom.”
“Did you tell Addilyn?”
I gave my head a very small shake. She let the silence hang between us, and it was so thick I could have sworn I could hear the pieces of the puzzle clicking together for her. I knew I wouldn’t get in. I didn’t do it for myself. I did it for . . .
“You have to let her lead her own life, you know?” she said gently. “I know you love her. I see it in your eyes. You’re a good man, RJ, but you’re both so young. You have the rest of your lives to settle down.”
“Mom,” I warned, but there wasn’t any bite to my words. I knew she was right, although, I didn’t want to hear it. Just like I didn’t want to hear what Ty’s dad was telling either.
Holding her hand up, she continued. “Honey, I’m worried, that’s all. What’s going to happen when she leaves?” She stepped forward and gently pressed her palm to my cheek. “I love you, and I’m worried that because you’re spending so much time supporting Addie and her dreams that you aren’t going to find your own.” She raised one eyebrow, and I pinched my lips together. She didn’t know that I already failed at my own dream. She must have taken my silence as agreement, because she continued, “Remember that saying ‘If you love someone set them free, if they come back to you it was meant to be’?”
“What if I don’t want to set her free?” I asked, my hands balled into fists.
Her face and hand dropped. “Then you just might get left behind.” My mother kissed my cheek and left me standing there with my heart in my throat. She was right, but how would I find the courage to let her go?