“Babe.” I shook Addie gently.
She was still next to me, snoring daintily, and I took it as a sign that I pleasured her body to the point of exhaustion. Instead of attempting to wake her again, I lay there with my head in my hand and burned every inch of my beautiful girl to memory.
The moon cast an angelic glow over her hair, which was fanned in a haphazard mess all over my pillow. Her eyelashes fluttered, and her lips moved as if she were whispering something. My heart ached and squeezed. In that moment, I wanted to drop to my hands and knees and beg her not to leave me. I would promise her that I would find a way to be the man she deserved. The man who would provide for her, take care of her, and cherish her, but then reality slapped me upside the back of the head.
“Unload this.”
“Go here, RJ.”
“What the fuck were you thinking?”
“Are you stupid? Don’t you check shit first?”
Words I heard every single day at work. Words that proved I would never be good enough for her.
Truth was, she’d probably be better off with the likes of a doctor or lawyer or some ego‑driven maniac who could lavish her and give her a life I would never be able to.
“You’re going to be something great. Well, greater than you already are,” I whispered, and a tear fell on my forearm. “Please don’t hate me. Remember we made a promise.” Barely touching her, I ran the pad of my thumb down her cheek. “I love you, and I promise it’s forever.”
I gathered her clothes and put my boxers on before forcing myself to walk back to her. “Babe,” I whispered, kissed one eyelid, then the next, and whispered again, “Wake up.”
“Hmmm,” she grumbled and finally stirred. I gave her a minute for her eyes to adjust to the minimal light in the room. She scratched the side of her head and blinked a few times. “What time is it?” she asked, her voice thick with sleep.
“It’s late,” I said again.
“Okay.”
Holding a finger to her lips, I spoke close to her ear. “Shh, babe. My parents are home, remember?”
It took her a second to think, but then she nodded and mouthed “sorry”.
“Don’t worry about it.”
At close to two‑thirty in the morning, I snuck Addie Mae out of my bedroom window. Standing there, her outside and me on the inside, I held onto the back of her neck, desperately kissing her.
After a soft moan, she pulled away.
“RJ.” She waited until our eyes met. “After you left earlier this evening, a lot of things became clear.”
“Don’t. Please don’t . . .”
She looked to the ground. “We have to . . .”
“No. Don’t. We made a promise.” I panicked. I knew I needed to let her go. I needed her to be happy more than I needed my next breath. But now that I was facing it—I couldn’t. Desperate, I locked her pinky finger with mine. “Please, Addie, I’m begging you.” I pulled her into my chest and held her tight. “We can make it work . . .” A rush of adrenaline ripped through me. I was freaking the fuck out. My standing on the other side of heartbreak was not where I thought I would be at the end of the night. How? Why? Why was she doing this?
Addie stepped back, and her sad eyes met mine. “I love you. I’ll always love you, but—”
I shook my head again, this time in disbelief. The adrenaline rush I had just seconds ago turned into a tornado spiraling out of control, internally ripping me to shreds. A straight shot of pain seared my heart. My hands shot to my head, and I was on the verge of pulling every last strand of hair out as I turned away and paced to the other side of my room and back.
“Why are you doing this? Does this have anything to do with Piper?” I dropped my hands and glared at her. “The conversation you had earlier?”
“No! RJ, stop. You know that’s not true.” A tear slid down the side of her cheek. “After our disagreement this afternoon . . . RJ, what did you mean by ‘even the military wouldn’t take you’?”
“Nothing. I told you already that was nothing—just drop it.” I took a few steps away from her. I was starting to feel the imaginary walls closing in, pushing all the air out of my lungs. When I turned back, she had climbed back into my bedroom.
“Why can’t you just be honest with me? I’ve never kept anything from you, and I know you’re keeping something from me. I just wish—”
“I failed! I flunked! I’m an idiot!” I hissed through clenched teeth. I wanted to scream at her, but I bit back the urge. My failure wasn’t her fault, and my parents were sleeping. Taking a couple of steps closer to her, I got down to her eye level. “Is that what you want to hear? That your boyfriend is a screw up? That he’s a worthless piece of shit that can’t even score high enough for the military to even consider giving him a shot at a dream he’s envisioned since he was a kid.” I kicked my foot against the floor. My admission left me hollow inside. “What a pathetic loser I am.”
“Stop!” Addie scolded, gently curling both her hands around my arms. “You are not pathetic.” Her soft hand moved to caress my cheek. “You are strong and smart and loving.” She wrapped her arms around my waist and laid her cheek to my chest. “You are the most loving person I’ve ever met, but I feel like you’re doing everything for me. What about what you want to do?” How did the tables turn so quickly? My words and thoughts couldn’t come to an agreement. Instead, I held her. I let my arms encircle her and soak up every last feeling Addie made me feel. Whole and free. . . loved. I felt loved and was so desperate to hang onto that. “We don’t need to rush into a decision. How about you head home and get some rest, and I’ll pick you up in a few hours.” I kissed her forehead, letting my lips linger a few seconds longer. “Then we can hit the road.”
“Okay.” The conflict in her eyes sent me a warning.
I followed her out the window and walked Addie to her car. “I love you, RJ. I love you more than you’ll ever know.” She wrapped her dainty pinky around mine. “I promise,” she whispered, kissed my cheek, and took off.
The weight in my gut drew a red flag. Everything within me was screaming that this was good‑bye.
“Ughh, why is it so damn hot?” I rolled over and squinted my eyes against the sun streaming in my window. Then I rolled over, and my irritation turned to sheer panic. It was ten in the morning. I was late. I scrambled out of bed and rushed to the bathroom for a quick shower.
Six minutes later, I rushed back into my bedroom, towel wrapped around my waist as my mother set two stacks of freshly washed clothes onto my bed.
“Good morning, dear.” Her voice was mildly chipper, but her lack of eye contact added to my edginess. “I’ll see you when you get back.” She sidestepped around me and closed my door on the way out of my room.
I threw my clothes on and assured myself that Addie and I could make it. I knew we could. I hope we could. I sat on my bed and yanked on my socks, and then I looked at the picture of me and Addie that sat on my dresser. “We can do this. We’ll be okay. It’ll take some time, but you’re worth the wait.” I spoke the words in a rush of breath as I pulled on and tied my shoes. I love that girl, and we made a promise to one another. I was going to do everything in my power to keep it.
A dose of much‑needed reassurance gave me some confidence back, chalking last night to a case of nerves and separation anxiety. We had no idea what the outcome was going to be over the next four years, and that alone put us both on edge.
With my phone, wallet, and keys in hand, I was ready to rush out, but the look on my mother’s face stopped me in my tracks. Something was up. A sad smile graced her beautiful face. “I love you, sweetheart.”
“I love you, too, Mom.” I kissed her cheek. “But I gotta hurry. I’m already late picking Addie up.”
“Son.” I heard my mom call, but I didn’t stop. I didn’t have any more time to waste. I needed to get to my girl. I hopped in my truck, and just as I turned the key in the ignition, a piece of paper flapping under the windshield wiper drew my eyes forward. I rolled down the window and reached to the front. It was a single sheet of notebook paper with two letters scrolled across the front in a very familiar handwriting. My hands trembled, and I closed my eyes, trying to save myself from the anguish written on that sheet of paper. I opened my eyes and forced myself to read the words.
I love you.
I promise.
I’m already gone.
Live your life for you.
I’m sorry.
Xo, Addie Mae
“What the ever loving fuck!” I sat there unmoving, reading her words over and over again as a heated force ripped through me. “She left without even saying good‑bye? She left me a fucking note!” I yelled out into the cab of my truck and smashed my palm against the steering wheel. “How could she?” I choked.
Wasn’t this exactly what I was planning to do to her?
The realization of what had happened left me completely deflated.
I had absolutely nothing left.
Defeated, I trudged my way back into the house, ignoring my mother and the way her eyebrows pinched in concern.
In my room, I sat on my bed and tossed around a couple of ideas. I couldn’t sit around and wait, too much of Addie Mae surrounded me. Just being in this room would drive me insane.
Mentally calculating how much money I had in my wallet and bank account, I got up and wrote my mother a brief note. It wasn’t much, but it was all the explanation I could give her.
I found the oversized duffel bag under my bed and emptied my drawers into it before moving to my closet and grabbing more shirts off hangers. The last thing that went in was the picture of Addie and me at the carnival. I didn’t know why. I just knew that I couldn’t leave it behind. There was no way I was walking through my house, so I slid the window open and followed my duffel out. As I closed my bedroom window, I hung my head and hoped that anyone I hurt today would be able to forgive me tomorrow.
Ten minutes later, I pulled into a gas station, went through the motions of fueling my truck, and then sat in silence. I didn’t even care all that much that I was blocking the pump for other drivers. I didn’t know where to go.
I thought about typing in Langley Air Force Base, Virginia, into the GPS, but that wouldn’t do me any good. There was no way I would be able to hang with Ty. My numbness spiked to anger again. I couldn’t stay home. I couldn’t go to see Ty. I couldn’t do anything.
I was so mad at her. So fucking pissed that she just gave up on me like that. She was the one who got to leave and start over. I was here to live around her memory. I didn’t know when I had grabbed my phone, but when I looked down at my hand, it was there. “Fuck the promise. I already did,” was typed out, waiting for me to send it to her.
I couldn’t press the button. I wanted to hate her with everything I had, the rage and everything in between. I wanted her to feel the pain that crept into every part of me—into my heart. But I didn’t have it in me. Anger and hurt I could do, but hate, never happen. I could never hate the only girl who will ever own my heart.
I deleted the hateful words and started a new text.
Me: Have a good life. You’re off the hook.
And hit send.