Amy sipped her sparkling mineral water and tried to ignore her phone, which she could feel vibrating incessantly in her bag on the floor. The other two were chatting away, oblivious. She didn’t need to answer it to know it would be Nick, checking up on her. There had been the most almighty row about her coming this weekend but she had put her foot down. She wasn’t going to miss Sophie’s thirtieth birthday weekend, whatever he said.
‘Amy!’ Nick bellowed from downstairs. Upstairs in their bedroom, Amy tensed. Megan was asleep and his shouting reverberated all over the house. She quickly finished applying her lipstick and scampered out of the bedroom and down the stairs. Nick was standing in the wide hallway, a heavy scowl crumpling his smooth, chiselled, handsome face.
As she appeared at the top of the stairs, he looked up. ‘There you are!’ The scowl deepened as she reached him. He looked her up and down with narrowed eyes.
‘What?’ She tried to laugh but it died in her throat. When had she become so tense around him? It was ridiculous.
‘Is that a new lipstick?’
‘Yes.’ She touched her lips in an involuntary movement.
‘When did you get it?’ His mouth had set in a hard line.
Amy frowned, wondering why he had become so critical. There was a time, not so long ago, when he used smother her with compliments, telling her endlessly how beautiful she was. The compliments were becoming rarer and rarer. ‘This morning, when I took Megan for a walk.’
Nick nodded curtly. ‘I don’t like it. It doesn’t suit you.’
Amy’s stomach dropped. ‘Right. I guess I won’t be wearing it again then.’ She sighed heavily and shook her head, before walking past him into the kitchen. She hated any kind of confrontation and lately Nick seemed determined to start a row about absolutely anything.
‘Amy! Don’t be so sulky.’ Nick followed her into the kitchen and grabbed her arm roughly, spinning her round to face him.
‘I’m not sulking.’ Amy rubbed her arm surreptitiously and rearranged her features into a smile. ‘Anyway, dinner’s nearly ready. Why don’t you go and freshen up and I’ll pour you a drink?’
Nick pursed his lips, as if deciding whether to pursue an argument or to let it go. Eventually, he seemed to make a decision. ‘OK. I’ll be back in five minutes. Maybe you could wash off that horrible lipstick in the meantime?’
Amy looked at Sophie across the table, envying her the glow of happiness that seemed to envelop her. Her large blue eyes shone and her skin was clear and dewy. Despite what she said, Sophie had lost the extra weight she had put on during her first pregnancy and her face had taken on a new definition, with high cheekbones and a toned jawline. Her long chestnut hair was thick and glossy and she was holding her head high again, embracing her height instead of trying to hide it.
Amy had had that glow too, with Megan. But not this time. This time the glow had been replaced by a knot of dread in her stomach. When had everything changed so drastically? She tried to pinpoint a moment, a day even, but it was so gradual, so seeping, that by the time it had happened, it was too late to reverse it. She didn’t recognize herself any more. Back then, at the beginning, she had been so full of… she grappled for the right word… joy. Yes, she had been joyful.
A tiny scintilla of light made her smile fleetingly at the memory of what she had been like, before the walls of her brain closed in, smothering it. ‘Smug,’ he had told her. ‘You were unbearably smug.’
And he was right. That was the worst part. Who did she think she was, being so full of herself? Being so infuriatingly happy all the time? She actually made herself sick, let alone anyone else.
But Nick loved her, despite all her faults. She swallowed hard, trying not to think of what would be waiting for her when she got home. He was so angry that she was leaving him and Megan for the weekend. He couldn’t understand how she could do it. How she could care so little about their child that she would prefer to go off gallivanting with her friends, no doubt trying to pick up men along the way.
The mere thought of Amy trying to pick up men was laughable. She couldn’t remember the last time she had even smiled at another man. Actually, that wasn’t true. She used to smile at the postman and enjoyed a chat with him most mornings. Until Nick told her that she was embarrassing herself by flirting. After that, she had taken in her parcels with nothing more than a cursory ‘Thank you,’ prompting an initial small, puzzled frown from the middle-aged, round-faced, eternally jolly postman.
She did feel guilty leaving Megan to come away this weekend, but she really needed some space. The pregnancy had only added to her increasing sense of being trapped. She sometimes felt as though she was holding her breath for days on end, waiting for his next outburst. It wasn’t as if he had ever physically hurt her – except for a couple of times when he had shoved her a bit roughly – but he could be vicious with his words.
And yet, he was incredibly generous too. He was forever buying her clothes, shoes, bags, jewellery and just about anything she could possibly want. In fact, now that she thought about it, he had bought everything she owned. He decided what she should wear and had very clear ideas about how she should look. There was no point in her buying anything for herself as he’d make her take it back, telling her it made her look fat and frumpy. Whenever he was home, she could feel him watching her, assessing her faults. It was exhausting.
Watching Sophie and Emily now, as they discussed the struggle to pay the mortgage, she felt a sharp stab of guilt. She was so lucky. She lived in a beautiful house and had more money than she could ever spend. She had plenty of help around the house and a nanny on tap for Megan, while both Sophie and Emily were constantly juggling the demands of being working mothers. She had absolutely nothing to complain about. And yet…
For a moment she thought about telling them what she was feeling. She could almost taste the relief at finally unburdening herself to someone. But she already knew that the words wouldn’t make sense. She would be accusing him of loving her too much. It would sound ungrateful and insane. Which is what she was, as Nick told her regularly. This is what she had wanted. She had wanted Nick to love her and look after her. Why couldn’t she just enjoy it?
‘Have you heard from her?’ Sophie looked expectantly across the table at Amy.
Amy frowned, trying to catch up with the conversation. ‘Who?’
‘Melissa. I wondered if you had heard from her after…’ Sophie’s words dropped into thin air as she tailed off, looking uncomfortable.
‘I did, yes. She called to apologize.’
Sophie tilted her head slightly. ‘That’s good, isn’t it? It means she realizes what she did was wrong. What did you say?’
‘I thanked her for the call and hung up.’
Amy felt Sophie flinch. ‘Oh. Right.’ There was a pause. ‘Did you tell Nick she’d called?’
Amy shrugged, a gesture completely at odds with how she felt. She’d told Nick about Melissa’s call that night and it had resulted in the biggest fight they’d ever had.
‘What are you suggesting?’ he had snarled, his handsome good looks temporarily rendered ugly with temper. ‘I hope you’re not insinuating that I’ve done anything wrong?’ The cadence of his voice dropped and became menacingly quiet. ‘Don’t ever question me, Amy, OK?’
Amy had swallowed hard as a punch of fear hit her in the stomach. ‘I wasn’t.’
‘Good. Because you need to start appreciating what you’ve got, Amy. Don’t you think I could have had my pick of women? But I chose you. And what do I get in return? Non-stopping fucking nagging!’
Amy mustered her courage. ‘I know. I’m sorry. But you do know that I saw you that night… kissing Melissa?’
‘I said, don’t fucking question me!’ Nick yelled, a sudden blush spreading from his neck to his face. He looked guilty as hell. Maybe it wasn’t just a kiss after all.
‘Nick, don’t be like this,’ Amy pleaded, searching his face for signs of the loving charmer who had wooed and beguiled her not so very long ago. But there was a coldness in his eyes that seemed set like concrete. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said again.
Nick shook his head and pursed his lips with disappointment but at the same time he reached out and encircled her with his arms. ‘Look, whatever you saw, it was nothing. Melissa did throw herself at me but that’s what she’s like, isn’t she? She’s just a slag. Probably best you don’t see her again anyway.’
‘I hope she’s OK,’ said Sophie, breaking into Amy’s thoughts. She looked away for a second. ‘And, I know you won’t want to hear this, Amy, but I miss her.’
Amy glanced at Emily and gave a small nod.
Emily took a long sip of her wine. ‘Well, the truth is, we both miss her too.’
Sophie looked from Emily to Amy, a little spark of hope igniting in her eyes.
Emily smiled slightly, before continuing. ‘So that’s why we’ve invited her this weekend. It’s your thirtieth birthday weekend, Soph. It doesn’t feel right to celebrate it without Melissa.’
Sophie’s eyes filled with tears and her face broke into a wide, incredulous smile as she looked at Amy, shaking her head. ‘I can’t believe you did that for me, especially you, Amy. How do you feel about it?’
Amy took a deep, shuddery breath, unsure how she was supposed to feel. On the one hand she still felt betrayed by Melissa. But on the other, she knew what had happened really did mean nothing. It was just a drunken – and perhaps something else – kiss. In truth, she didn’t really care that much. She had been too exhausted and preoccupied at the time with the baby. ‘I’m fine about it, Soph. Really.’
‘When is she coming?’ Sophie couldn’t hide the excitement in her eyes.
‘Tonight. She’s picking up a hire car at the airport.’
‘Are you sure that’s a good idea? Look what happened last time she was driving – she smashed up her Mini and ended up being arrested.’ Sophie chewed her lip nervously.
Emily shrugged. ‘Honestly? I don’t know for sure but I think she’s really trying to sort herself out. Last year in Camber Sands gave her a real shock. We’re like a family to her – closer than her own family for sure – so throwing her out was the wake-up call she needed. I think it might be time to give her another chance.’
‘Thank you.’ Sophie reached out and took Amy’s hand. ‘Thank you so much. I know how hard that must have been for you.’
Before she could stop herself, Amy had burst into tears. ‘Sorry,’ she said, wiping her eyes and blowing her nose on a napkin. ‘It must be the hormones.’
Sophie picked up her hand again. ‘Are you OK, Amy? You don’t seem yourself at the moment.’
‘I don’t know what “myself” means any more,’ Amy muttered, before giving Sophie’s hand a reassuring squeeze. ‘I’m fine. Really!’ she added, seeing the sceptical frown on Sophie’s face. ‘I’m glad Melissa’s coming. I’ve missed her too.’
Across the table, Emily and Sophie exchanged a glance and Amy retracted her hand. ‘I’m just nipping to the loo – back in a minute.’