Amy propped herself on her elbow and looked across at Emily, who was staring fixedly up at the ceiling from her bed, her eyes almost crazed with tiredness. ‘Are you OK, Em?’
She wondered if Emily had slept at all. Every time Amy had woken in the night, Emily had been lying in the same, strange, fixed position, with her arms crossed over her chest. It was disturbing yet fascinating.
‘I’m fine.’ Emily’s voice was as robotic as her stare.
The two of them were sharing a room. Megan and George were flying in with their male nanny, Dean, that morning, as Megan had had a school concert and had insisted she couldn’t miss the previous night.
Dean had started working for Amy just after she moved into her new house and she now couldn’t imagine life without him. He was a thirty-year-old Kiwi, who had planned to travel the world, but had fallen in love with London and had trained as a nanny to support himself.
Amy had booked a triple room for herself, Emily and Melissa, but Melissa had declared that she would prefer to have a room of her own, so that she could ‘get a good night’s sleep before the wedding’.
Only Amy knew the truth. Which was that she would barely be getting any sleep, as she would be spending the night with Mark. He had also flown in for the wedding the previous night. Amy was becoming increasingly worried about Melissa. Despite her many protestations and promises that she wouldn’t, she could see that she had fallen for Mark completely.
Amy understood why. Mark was utterly beguiling and charming – in some ways very similar to how Nick had been when she first met him, but without the psychotic tendencies. He was generous, kind and unswervingly loyal to his friends. But he was also a ruthless businessman and a confirmed commitment-phobe. She was fairly certain he wouldn’t be asking Melissa to marry him any time soon, no matter how much she willed it to happen.
‘The trouble is,’ she had told Melissa, ‘he regularly sees other people, while you only see him. Maybe you should find another man? Be a bit less available? See if it makes him jealous and spurs him into action.’
Melissa had sighed. ‘But it’s not that easy, Amy. I don’t really meet that many men who aren’t gay or already married. And if I’m honest, I’m not interested in sleeping with anyone else…’
‘Well, you’ve certainly changed your tune,’ Amy had replied, giving Melissa a sly look. ‘And don’t forget you promised me not to fall in love with him.’
‘I’m not in love with him!’ Melissa spat back unconvincingly. ‘I’m just… enjoying him, that’s all.’
But Amy knew it was a lot more than that. She loved Melissa like a sister. She wanted her to find lasting happiness and she wanted her to have kids before it was too late. But she didn’t think she’d be doing either of those things with Mark.
‘Shall we go down to breakfast?’ she asked Emily, climbing out of bed and walking over to the window. Outside, in one direction, manicured lawns gave way to a magnificent, lush golf course, where several golfers were already out enjoying the uncharacteristically sunny Irish weather. In the other direction, sheer white cliffs plunged into a wild, deep, blue sea.
‘I’m not hungry.’
Amy turned to look at Emily with a frown and padded barefoot over to her bed. She sank down onto the mattress beside her and took her rigid hand in hers. ‘Tell me what’s wrong, Emily.’
Emily’s eyes briefly found Amy’s before sliding away again. ‘I can’t.’
‘You can.’ Amy was emphatic. ‘You have always been there for me, Em. When I was lower than I could ever imagine being. Let me be there for you now. Let me help.’
Tears pooled in Emily’s dark eyes. ‘I can’t,’ she repeated, her voice heavy with misery. ‘I can’t tell anyone. It’s too… awful.’
Amy shook her head. ‘There is nothing you could possibly say that would shock me, Em. We have been through so much together and we’re still here. Still best friends.’ She gave Emily’s hand a squeeze. ‘Nothing will ever change that.’
Emily looked at her again, as a tear spilled over her lashes and ran down the side of her face, where it dissolved into the snow-white pillowcase. ‘I wish that we could turn back time. Undo the things we’ve done.’ Her voice quavered as she spoke.
‘We all wish that.’ Amy gave a bitter laugh. ‘My God, the number of times I’ve wished I could go back to the day I first met Nick and walk in the other direction, so that our paths never crossed.’ She paused for a second before continuing. ‘I know you probably feel the same way about Anton…’
Emily didn’t reply.
‘But what happens to us shapes who we are, Em. In a weird way I’m sort of glad about what I went through with Nick. I think I’m a better, stronger person because of it.’
Emily blinked back the tears that were about to fall and sat up, pulling her knees to her chest and looking up at Amy. ‘I don’t think you’re a better person, Amy. You’ve always been the best person I know…’
Amy smiled, glad that she seemed to have got through to her at last. ‘Thank you. Although that’s rubbish, obviously.’
‘But,’ Emily continued, ‘you’re right. You are much stronger. I feel like I’ve gone the opposite way. The worse things get, the weaker I become. I used to be so tough… Do you remember what I was like?’
Amy nodded. ‘I do. You were unbelievably tough. Scary, sometimes, if the truth be known.’
‘I don’t know what’s happened to me.’ Emily bent forward again, as if a heavy weight was pressing on her shoulders.
‘I know what’s happened to you.’ Amy rubbed Emily’s back gently. ‘You have a son who’s been very, very ill. That’s what’s happened to you. It must be the hardest thing imaginable to have to watch him suffer…’ Amy broke off, contemplating the horror of what Emily had been through. ‘Everyone would struggle with it. Regardless of how tough you are. But the good news is that he’s had the treatment and he will get better. You have to hold on to the positives, Emily. He’s going to be OK.’
‘No,’ Emily said, without looking up. ‘He’s not.’
Amy’s insides lurched. There was something about Emily’s tone that frightened her. ‘But… I thought… I thought he was in remission?’
Emily shook her head. ‘I thought so too. But the chemo hasn’t worked. It’s not enough. He needs a bone-marrow transplant.’
Amy sat back in shock, unable to speak for several seconds, as a million thoughts ran through her head. ‘But he’ll get one, right? Everyone can be tested… you, your mum and dad… someone’s bound to be a match.’
Slowly, wearily, as if the effort was almost too much for her, Emily lifted her head. ‘He needs a sibling.’
‘Oh.’ Amy nodded slowly, as understanding dawned. She could see why Emily was reluctant. It would involve getting back in touch with Anton and persuading him to get his two daughters tested. ‘Well,’ she said finally, trying to sound upbeat, ‘at least he’s got two siblings. It would be so much worse if he didn’t.’
Emily closed her eyes and rested her head against the headboard. She looked defeated.
‘Look,’ Amy began, feeling a tiny prickle of frustration. ‘If you need to get in touch with Anton, that’s what you’ll have to do, Em. If it’s what Jack needs, then you’ll have to bury your own feelings about him. He could be the key to saving Jack’s life.’
‘It’s not that simple, Amy.’
‘No. I can see that but it might be the only option.’ Amy tried to think furiously if there was any other way around it. But there didn’t seem to be one. Anton’s daughters would have to be tested. ‘Does Anton have to tell them what it’s for? Maybe he could just say it’s for an old friend’s son and he wants to help?’
Emily shook her head despondently. Then she opened her eyes and fixed Amy with a look of utter despair. ‘You don’t understand.’
Amy frowned, feeling wounded. ‘I do understand, Em. I understand that you don’t want anything to do with Anton after what happened, but he’s Jack’s father. I’m sure he’d want to do whatever he could to help.’
Emily closed her eyes again. ‘You don’t understand, Amy.’ There was a long pause as Emily took a deep breath before continuing. ‘Anton isn’t Jack’s father.’