‘So what? You didn’t do anything wrong.’ Melissa tucked her hands deep into the pockets of her oversized Barbour, as she and Sophie sat together on the sea wall, looking out over the choppy water while a flock of seagulls squealed through the deepening sky.
‘I wouldn’t have done anything wrong if I’d left it there.’ If only. If only I had left things there.
Sophie let herself into the flat and crept towards the bedroom door, which was ajar. She peeped her head around it and strained her eyes to see if she could make out the figure of Steve asleep in the darkness.
‘If you’re looking for me, I’m in here.’
Sophie jumped. Her heart beginning to pound, she walked to the living room, where she found Steve sitting on the sofa in the dark, his back ramrod straight, staring at the wall.
‘What are you doing in here?’ She tried to keep her voice light-hearted, but she had a sudden feeling of foreboding. ‘Has something happened?’
Steve didn’t answer. Finally, he leaned over and clicked on the lamp beside him, bathing the small room in a golden glow. ‘Come and sit down, Sophie. I think we need to talk.’
The bile rose in Sophie’s throat. She had never seen Steve look so serious, his lovely dancing eyes now clouded with… something. She couldn’t work out if it was sadness, anger, jealousy or disgust. She sat down beside him, yet as far from him as possible, as if she was lowering herself onto a cushion of broken glass. How could she possibly be so nervous in the company of the man she had loved for the past eight years? ‘Steve? You’re scaring me. What’s the matter?’
Steve’s face softened as he gazed at her and she knew that whatever he was about to say, he still loved her. She could see it, sense it, smell it. He reached out and took her hand, stroking it gently. ‘I think we should split up.’
‘No! Oh my God, no!’ Her cheeks began to blaze with fear. ‘But… why?’
Steve reached out and stroked her face, catching her tears in his hand, his expression a mixture of sorrow and love. ‘I think we both know why.’
‘I don’t!’
‘But you do, sweetheart. We’ve started leading separate lives. Ever since you joined that programme you’ve been drifting away from me. I know you so well, Sophie. I can tell. I know that you think I’m boring compared to all those testosterone-fuelled blokes you work with.’
‘No! You’ve got it all wrong. I don’t think you’re boring. I love you!’ It occurred to Sophie that it was only now, as she spoke the words, that she realized how true they were.
Steve shook his head sadly, and cupped her face in his hand. His strong, smooth, beautiful hand. ‘You’ve had no idea where I’ve been every evening and I’ve had no idea where you’ve been. Why you’re always so late home these days when the programme finishes at ten thirty…’ He let the words hang in the air for a second and Sophie realized what he was telling her. He knew.
‘I…’ she began but she couldn’t continue. He was right. She had been so busy covering her tracks that she hadn’t ever stopped to find out what he’d been up to all these evenings when she was working. Now she knew. He’d been following her. He would have seen her leaving the building each night with Matt, getting on his motorbike and heading back to his flat near Tower Bridge. Was he sitting outside when she left again an hour or so later and climbed into a cab, wondering if she smelt of him? Hoping that Steve would be asleep so that he wouldn’t want to make love.
‘But I love you.’ The words sounded so empty coming from her mouth now. So deceitful. Yet they were true.
‘I know. I love you too. But we’re done, babe.’ Steve got up and looked down at her. ‘I’ve packed a bag and I’ll take it tonight. I’ll come back for my other stuff later.’
‘How can you be so calm about this?’ Sophie felt an inexplicable surge of anger.
Steve sighed deeply and shook his head. ‘Because I’ve had time to get used to it. When I first realized… I was the complete opposite of calm, I can assure you. I was a mess. But you obviously didn’t notice.’
Shame and guilt settled around Sophie like a blanket. No, she hadn’t noticed. She had stopped taking any notice of her beautiful, loyal, decent partner because she was too busy playing around with her shallow, selfish, arrogant lover.
Sophie stumbled through the next few days like a drunk oblivious to everything else except getting the next drink. The only thought in her head was Steve. After he’d gone, she lay in bed listening to the clank and rattle of the pipes that sounded as if they were groaning in protest at the loss of their owner.
She pulled his pillow into her face and let it absorb the tears, which wouldn’t stop flowing. The scent of him clung to the bedsheets, causing her insides to cramp with pain and fear. Only now did she really understand how much she loved him. How much she needed him. And that she just couldn’t function without him. Without him, it felt as if her life was over.
She rang his mobile over and over again. Each time it would click through to his voicemail and she would leave long, rambling messages, begging his forgiveness, telling him how much she loved him and pleading with him to come home. She didn’t know if he listened to them but she had to try. She had to do everything she could to convince him to give her another chance. Panic engulfed her every time she hung up, wondering how the hell she would ever cope if he didn’t.
She called in sick at work and when Matt texted her, she deleted the texts and deleted his number. Anything she felt for him had evaporated in an instant. She spent the whole time clutching her phone in the desperate hope that Steve would call her back. She wondered where he’d gone and realized with a pang of shame that she had stopped taking any interest in his life around the same time that she had started her job at the TV station. She didn’t actually know who his good friends were any more or who he might have gone to in his hour of need.
She lost count of the days but sometime during the following week, the door opened and he walked in. Sophie leapt off the bed and ran into the hallway, staring at him with her mouth open, hanging onto his gaze, terrified that she might be seeing things and he might disappear again just as quickly as he had appeared. He looked tired and dishevelled but so, so beautiful. His eyes glittered with tears and his mouth moved towards a smile, which quickly became a sob. She crossed the distance between them and threw herself onto him, kissing his face, his mouth, his body. ‘I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry. I love you so much.’
He gripped her just as tightly, responding hungrily to her kisses and then somehow they were in the bedroom, tearing at each other’s clothes, exploring each other’s bodies. Later, they lay naked and entwined, Sophie too afraid to move away from him in case he left again. ‘I love you.’ She looked into his eyes to try to convey how much she meant it. ‘I love you so much.’
He looked down at her, his expression gentle, the hurt already leaving his features. ‘I love you too.’
‘I’m sorry, Steve. I am so, so sorry. I will do anything… anything, to prove to you that I will never, ever hurt you again.’
‘I’m sorry too.’
‘Don’t. You have nothing to be sorry for.’ Sophie sat up and looked at him fiercely.
Much later, as they drank wine, sitting side by side, still in bed, something occurred to her. ‘Where did you go? Where have you been?’
Steve blinked slowly and shook his head slightly. ‘I don’t want to talk about it.’
‘OK.’ It was understandable. It had been such a painful time for both of them. ‘But I want you to know that I am there for you, Steve. I am going to put you first from now on. No more leading separate lives.’
Steve smiled slightly and leaned forward to kiss her. ‘And no more looking back either. I just want to forget the past and move on.’
Sophie’s eyes filled. She felt like the luckiest woman alive. He was going to give her another chance. And there was no way she was going to blow it this time.
The darkness had begun to encroach and the sky was losing the last pink traces of the day. The waves continued to crash around them and the strip of shingle that had risen out of the sea’s murky depths had now submitted to it once more.
Melissa looked at Sophie, frowning in confusion. ‘But that’s all good, isn’t it? I know you might not necessarily have planned to get pregnant just yet but you’re back with Steve, you’re madly in love again… What’s the problem?’
Sophie wrapped her arms around herself. She didn’t know if she could voice what the problem was, or admit it, even to herself. In the end she didn’t need to.
‘Oh.’ Melissa didn’t have to say any more. She understood.
‘So, as I said, I don’t know what to do.’
Melissa nodded and Sophie could see the fear in her eyes on her behalf. Her stomach churned like the sea stretching far out in front of them.
‘Well,’ Melissa began, hesitant at first, then more confident. ‘It’s almost certainly Steve’s, isn’t it?’
‘Yes. Almost.’ God, how she hated that word right now.
‘But… surely you used something with… the other one.’ Melissa stuttered over the words.
Sophie nodded. No need to tell Melissa about that last time when the condom came off. She hadn’t thought anything of it at the time. Why didn’t she think anything of it? How could she have been so stupid?
‘And with Steve?’
‘Not that first day, when he came home.’
‘So Steve will definitely think it’s his?’
Sophie nodded again, still hugging herself, not so much for warmth but for some kind of comfort. Yes, Steve would believe that the baby was his. But what if it wasn’t? Could she live with such a lie for her whole life?
‘Have you told Steve?’ Melissa stood up from where they were sitting on the sea wall and faced Sophie.
‘No. Not yet. I’m still trying to deal with it myself.’
‘Well, if you want my advice…’
‘I do.’
Melissa’s face softened and she reached out to hug Sophie. ‘Tell him. And tell yourself the same thing. And live your life looking forward, not back.’