The relief of finally saying it out loud was so overwhelming that Emily began to struggle for breath. She leaned forward, clutching her stomach as she tried to get some air.
Amy, who had been frozen in shock, suddenly sprang into action. She snatched a paper bag from the bin. ‘Here, Em, blow,’ she ordered, holding the neck of the bag over Emily’s mouth. ‘That’s it,’ she soothed, as Emily began to breathe more steadily. ‘Just keep breathing in and out.’
After several more minutes, Emily took the bag away with a shaking hand. She looked up at Amy, whose face was still rigid. ‘Say something, Amy.’
Amy stood up from the bed and walked to the window, where she looked out for a few minutes before speaking. ‘What I don’t understand…’ she began, ‘is why you told us it was Anton?’ She looked back at Emily with a bewildered expression. ‘Why you lied to us?’
‘I didn’t.’ Emily climbed out of bed, her legs wobbling slightly as they took her weight. Her bones felt weary. It had felt like the longest night of her life. She joined Amy at the window. Outside, the sun was up and the sky was the deep shade of blue that meant it was going to be a beautiful, hot day. But Emily couldn’t enjoy the spectacular view of the white cliffs and sparkling azure sea stretching out towards Scotland. Her vision was blurred. ‘I never lied to you, Amy. To any of you. You all assumed Anton was the father but I never, ever told you that he was.’
Amy frowned, as if she was trying to remember. ‘Well, then, you certainly lied by omission,’ she said after a while. She looked hurt.
Emily sighed. ‘Yes, I probably did. I’m sorry. I had no choice.’
‘Why? Why did you have no choice? I don’t understand.’ Amy threw her hands up in a half-hearted gesture of exasperation.
Emily looked away, her mind racing. ‘Because I couldn’t tell anyone the truth.’
Amy nodded slowly. ‘Right. And are you going to tell the truth now?’
Emily sat down heavily on the sofa and curled her legs underneath her. ‘I want to.’ She paused, before continuing. ‘No, that’s not true. I don’t want to tell anyone. I’ve managed to keep it to myself all these years. But with Jack’s situation being so desperate… I’m going to have to.’
Amy exhaled. She looked as if she might throw up. ‘I’m going to make us some tea. I think we both need it,’ she said, walking over to the kettle and flicking the switch. ‘Then, we can talk.’
Emily watched her as she busily put teabags into mugs and prepared their drinks. She was grateful for the delay. It gave her time to gather her courage.
‘Right, here you go.’ Amy brought over the two steaming mugs and placed them carefully on the glass coffee table. She sat down facing Emily, mirroring her position on the sofa. ‘Do you want to begin at the beginning?’
The signs were there, long before the bold blue line appeared in the window of the little white stick. She was sick most mornings – she put it down to drinking so much that fateful night. She was tired all the time – she put it down to working flat out for her finals, which were fast approaching. She was emotional over the slightest little thing – she put it down to guilt over what had happened.
As the days and weeks passed, Emily stayed in denial, ignoring the jeans that were slightly too tight around the waist; the bras that were bursting at the seams; the endless, relentless nausea that followed her day and night.
The results were published. She’d got a first. Her mum and dad stood up and applauded wildly as she graduated. ‘We are so, so proud of you, darling,’ said her mum for the tenth time, as they headed into the college grounds, where all the students were gathering for a celebratory drink.
Emily sensed him before she saw him. ‘Hello, Emily,’ said an unmistakable, slightly gravelly voice.
She turned, her hand automatically moving to her stomach, grateful for the loose, flowing gown she was wearing. ‘Hello, Anton. How lovely to see you.’
He smiled, his sparkling blue eyes shining. ‘You got your first, then.’ He sounded like a proud father. ‘I always knew you would.’
Her heart hammered in her chest as she gazed up at him. Immediately, all the feelings she had buried came rushing back in a torrent. ‘It was down to you. You inspired me.’
Anton raised his eyebrows. ‘Wow. That might just be the loveliest thing anyone has ever said to me. Although, of course, the only person who should take any credit, is you.’
Emily smiled. ‘OK. If you insist.’
‘I do.’ Anton reached out to touch her arm.
Emily jumped as if she had had an electric shock and they locked eyes again. ‘Anton, I’ve missed you so much,’ she said truthfully.
‘I’ve missed you too.’ The words seemed to take him by surprise as they fell from his lips. ‘Sorry. I really shouldn’t have said that.’
Emily looked around the thronging marquee, before turning back to meet his gaze again. ‘Well, I won’t tell if you don’t.’ There was an unmistakably flirtatious tone to her voice that was so unlike her. She had never made the first move with a man before. But she didn’t care. He was no longer her tutor so there were no rules to say it was wrong. She deliberately pushed any thoughts of his wife and children out of her mind. ‘How long are you staying in London?’
Anton’s expression became serious. She could see him fighting with himself. ‘One night.’
Emily nodded. ‘In a hotel?’
‘Yes.’ Anton cleared his throat, before adding, ‘All alone.’
There was a long pause, as Emily balanced on the precipice, deciding.
‘Would you like some company?’ she said finally, her body beginning to tingle with anticipation.
Anton swallowed hard, still holding her gaze. ‘Yes,’ he said, in a thick voice. ‘I would like that very much.’
Afterwards, she lay on his chest, listening to the thud of his heart and drinking in the taste and smell of him, as he dosed quietly.
Anton’s eyes flickered open suddenly and he smiled as he saw her watching him. ‘What?’
Emily bit her lip. ‘Nothing.’
Anton gave her a searching look. ‘Tell me what you’re thinking.’
‘I’m thinking I wish we could stay here for ever. Like this.’
‘So do I.’ She could see in Anton’s eyes that he was telling the truth.
‘Does this have to be the end, Anton?’ A thought was starting to form in Emily’s mind. The thought that maybe they could be together. With the baby. Was it such a wild idea? She wasn’t too far gone. It might be possible to make everyone think it was his. Including him.
Anton stroked her hair. ‘I think it does, yes,’ he said, immediately silencing the thoughts that were racing through her mind. ‘I… I do have feelings for you, Emily.’ He paused. ‘And things with my wife… well, they’re not great. But I have two children. They come first.’
‘You could have more children…’ she said, her voice wistful. ‘With me.’
Anton shook his head ruefully. ‘That would be something of a miracle, I’m afraid. My days of fathering children are well and truly over.’
So that was that. Emily’s dreams of a life with Anton evaporated in front of her eyes. Like a giant bubble silently bursting.
‘But it’s not the end for you, Emily,’ Anton was saying. ‘It’s just the beginning. You will go on to do such great things in your life. I know you will.’
Emily ran her hand over her stomach, which was just starting to bulge with the little life growing inside her. He was right about one thing: this was just the beginning.
‘So it could never have been Anton’s baby…?’ Amy took a sip of her tea and fixed Emily with a hard stare.
‘No.’ Emily allowed a gulf of silence to build up between them. She knew the next question that was going to come out of Amy’s mouth. But she didn’t want to hear it.
Amy too, seemed to be holding her breath, as if she didn’t want to ask it.
‘So…’ she said at last, her tone almost resigned. ‘If Anton isn’t Jack’s father… then who is?’
Emily’s mind spooled back to the moment the midwife first handed Jack to her after a long, painful labour. Beside her, her mother’s face was already suffused with love, instead of the disappointed expression she had worn ever since Emily first broke the news of her pregnancy to her dumbstruck parents.
If she could travel back in time, would she really delete that moment, so that Jack had never existed? She knew, despite the desperate fear of what her revelation was going to do to the people she loved most in the world, that she wouldn’t change a thing. She took a deep, shuddery breath and reached out to take Amy’s hand in hers, willing her not to hate her for what she was about to say.
‘Steve is Jack’s father.’
She managed to avoid him without arousing suspicion. Everyone was working hard for their final exams and there was very little socializing. Emily hid out at her halls of residence, speaking only to Sophie, Amy and Melissa on the phone.
In the exam hall, she kept her head down and avoided eye contact with everyone, scuttling back to her room as soon as she possibly could the moment it was over. No one questioned it. Emily had always been driven. Had always been the most academic of the group. Destined for a first, as Anton had told her many times.
She was good at blanking things out. At pretending it wasn’t happening. So she ignored the symptoms and buried herself in her books.
By the time her finals were over, she had convinced herself that she had imagined the whole thing. So when she finally came face to face with him at a party to celebrate the end of their studies, she was ready.
‘Hi, Emily.’ His eyes shifted nervously as he leaned forward to give her a chaste kiss on the cheek.
‘Hello, Steve,’ she replied, smiling confidently. ‘So, how were the exams for you?’ She helped herself to a drink from the groaning table and looked up at him, hoping to convey an impression of calm insouciance.
A flicker of confusion crossed his face. ‘Uh, OK. They were OK. Yeah. You?’
Emily nodded. ‘Good, I think. I hope.’ She crossed her fingers and held them up.
He gave a small smile. ‘You’ll do well, I’m sure… You’ve always worked really hard.’
‘Yes, I have.’ Emily’s face was beginning to ache with the effort of maintaining her rictus smile.
‘Look, Em, about that night…’ He glanced over his shoulder, checking whether he might be in any danger of being overheard. ‘I’m so sorry. Obviously, it should never have happened.’
Emily’s eyes scanned the room cautiously before she replied. ‘What night? I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
A visible wave of relief passed over his features and he reached out to hug her. She allowed herself to be pulled into his arms for a few seconds, his smell instantly transporting her back to her single bed, his naked body covering hers. But with an almighty effort, she willed the images away. It hadn’t happened. He was never there.
‘There you are!’ said a voice, as Sophie danced up to them and gave Emily a playful nudge. ‘I thought you were dead!’
‘No.’ Emily shook her head. ‘I was just in hiding, that’s all.’
There was a long, shocked silence before Amy shook her head emphatically. ‘No. He’s not. Steve is not Jack’s father.’
Emily opened her mouth to speak but Amy put her hand up to silence her, her face set like stone. ‘Don’t ever, ever say that again.’ She swallowed, then nodded, her face softening very slightly. ‘I know you’ve been under an enormous strain recently, but to say something like that… it’s unforgivable.’
Emily was almost relieved by Amy’s reaction. She hesitated. Should she pretend she had made it all up and blame the stress she was under? It would be so much easier. But ultimately, the truth would have to come out, in order to give Jack any hope of finding a sibling match. She had opened the Pandora’s box and there was no closing it again. ‘Amy… I’m going to say it again. Because it’s the truth. I wish it wasn’t, but it is. Steve is Jack’s biological father.’
A wave of fury passed over Amy’s features. ‘Jesus! How could you?’ She stood up and marched to the window, turning her back on Emily and folding her arms across herself.
Emily swallowed, her mouth suddenly dry. ‘It was a drunken one-night stand, Amy. Nothing more. We were both horrified by what we’d done. We agreed to forget it ever happened.’
Amy didn’t reply for several seconds. ‘I can’t believe that Steve ignored his own son for all these years—’
‘He didn’t,’ Emily interrupted quickly. She stood up on her shaking legs and joined Amy at the window. She tried to meet her eye but Amy steadfastly refused to look at her. ‘He’s never known.’
Amy threw Emily a contemptuous look. ‘You lied to him too?’
Emily’s stomach swirled with shame. ‘Yes.’
‘Oh my God.’ Amy shook her head repeatedly. ‘What a bloody mess.’
‘I’m sorry.’ Emily’s legs would no longer support her and she sank back down onto one of the chairs, her whole body shaking.
‘It’s not me you need to apologize to!’ Amy snapped.
‘I know.’
There was a long, heavy silence, before Amy spoke again. ‘So when were you thinking of telling them? Not today, I hope?’
‘No, of course not! I… well, I thought maybe when they get back from their honeymoon.’
Amy closed her eyes. ‘Poor Sophie. After all she’s done for you.’
‘Don’t. Please, Amy, however much you hate me right now, I can promise you it’s not a fraction of how much I hate myself. I would have happily taken this to my grave, but my son will die if I don’t find a match and Steve’s kids represent his best chance. What choice do I have?’
Amy finally turned to look at Emily, her eyes brimming with tears. ‘Just make sure you don’t ruin today for them. You owe them that, at least.’