Selma
Queensbay, Kent
10 August 1991
I got my answer a few hours later when I returned to the cave. Everyone but Anita was gathered around the table, the newspaper lying on its surface.
My stomach sank. ‘Hi,’ I said, taking a seat. ‘So you’ve seen it?’
‘How could we miss it?’ Maggie hissed. ‘I noticed it while shopping in town.’
‘I haven’t had a chance to read it yet,’ I replied, swallowing nervously. ‘What does it say?’
Maggie shoved the newspaper towards me as Idris avoided my gaze. Did he know I’d talked to the journalist? Anita wasn’t here yet so she wouldn’t have had a chance to tell anyone what had happened.
I started reading the article.
Several people have taken to living in one of the caves on Queensbay, it began, led by a mysterious figure called Idris who saved a local boy from drowning. One of these men is Julien Sinclair, former owner of one of the largest solicitor firms in Kent. A source from the cave claims Mr Sinclair, who recently fell on hard times after the firm went into administration, was on the verge of committing suicide before he was ‘saved’ by the cult. Residents have expressed concerns about the cave dwellers, especially the enigmatic Idris, with one concerned mother, Cynthia Hoffman, labelling him a threat to the peace of the town during a recent council meeting.
I shook my head. No wonder she was so proud of the article.
‘How the hell did they find all this out?’ Caden asked.
I felt my chest constrict.
‘I’ve only told a few people here about my suicide attempt,’ Julien said. ‘It can only be someone in this group,’ he added, face clouding over.
‘You were talking to two men the other night, weren’t you Selma?’ Donna asked me.
All eyes turned to me. ‘Only briefly,’ I said, trying to keep my voice steady. ‘I didn’t pay much notice, to be honest. Anita did most of the talking.’
‘Maybe Anita said something to them?’ Oceane suggested.
‘I don’t like promises being broken,’ Idris said, face very serious. ‘It’s key to me that we can all trust each other.’
I looked down at my hands, my heart thumping. Why did I open my fat mouth about Julien to complete strangers?
‘Selma, did Anita say something?’ Idris asked me. ‘You don’t need to protect her, you know. We’re all about honesty here, she knows that.’
I swallowed, peering at the article then away again. If Idris learnt I’d betrayed Julien’s trust, he’d tell me to leave, I could see it in his eyes. And what then? Where would I go? Mike wouldn’t have me back, not that I’d want to go back to him. I’d end up in a tiny soulless flat in town, back to working full-time, all my hopes of finishing my novel shot to pieces.
It was me or Anita.
‘Yes,’ I whispered.
‘Excuse me?’ Idris asked.
‘Yes, it was Anita who told them,’ I said in a louder voice.
Julien shook his head in disgust.
‘I was writing, so I wasn’t paying much attention,’ I quickly said. ‘But I did hear her mention Julien … and what happened.’
‘Where is she?’ Maggie asked.
‘She’s teaching,’ Oceane replied, brow knitted. ‘She’ll be back after dinner. Her last class finishes at eight.’
The atmosphere over dinner was awkward, everyone eating silently, the words in that article rebounding between us. More people seemed to be walking by the cave too, even wading through the high tide in wellies to get a look at us, the ‘crazy cave dwellers’ as I heard one of them shout out. And it was all my fault! If only I’d kept my mouth shut.
When Anita walked up the beach as the sun began to set, she had a huge smile on her face, making me feel even worse. She noticed everyone looking solemn at the table and her smile faltered.
‘What’s going on, guys?’ Anita asked.
Idris stood, holding the newspaper up. ‘You were talking to two men the other night, right?’
Anita frowned. ‘What two men?’
‘One of them had a big camera,’ Maggie said, voice hard.
‘Oh, those two men. I hardly remember, I was so drunk.’ Anita gave a nervous laugh. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘They were journalists,’ Julien said.
Her face dropped. ‘Shit. Did they write something?’
‘You could say that,’ Julien replied.
She took the paper off Idris and scoured it, eyes widening when she got to the bit about Julien. She went up to Julien, looking him in the eye.
‘There is no way I’d tell them that, Julien. You know I wouldn’t!’ She turned to me. ‘You were there the whole time, Selma. We didn’t say anything about Julien, did we? They must have heard it from someone else.’
I couldn’t look at her. I felt awful but what choice did I have?
‘Selma told us, Anita,’ Oceane said with a sigh. ‘Don’t lie.’
Anita looked at me in shock.
‘I’m sorry, Anita, I did hear you,’ I said, voice trembling.
‘I wouldn’t,’ Anita said, shaking her head. ‘You must have heard wrong.’
‘You were drunk,’ Oceane said softly. ‘Maybe you just don’t remember?’
‘I’d remember that. Selma,’ Anita said, walking over and crouching down in front of me as I sat at the table. ‘You were talking to them as much as I was!’
‘I was writing, you know that,’ I said, making myself look her in the eye.
Her face hardened, her hands clasping painfully onto my fists. ‘You’re lying. Why are you lying?’
‘Anita, come on …’ Idris went to help her back up but she shoved him away, still glaring at me.
‘You’re lying to cover your back.’
‘No, you’re lying to cover yours,’ I replied calmly. The lie was out now, no point trying to capture it back.
Anita looked at me in shock. She put her hand on my shoulder, looking me in the eye. The force of it caused my flimsy chair to tip backwards. Idris grabbed it before it fell, steadying me.
‘You okay?’ he asked as the chair legs slammed back onto the ground.
‘Fine,’ I replied in a shaky voice as I looked at Anita in shock.
‘We can’t accept behaviour like this here,’ Idris said to Anita, his voice firm. ‘Not just the indiscretion, but also what you just did to Selma. We do not condone violence.’
‘What?’ Anita said, eyes wide with surprise. ‘I just put my hand on her shoulder, that wasn’t violence! That chair’s been ready to break for days.’
‘You shoved her, Anita,’ Oceane said, crossing her arms and looking Anita up and down.
‘I didn’t!’
‘Pack your stuff,’ Idris said firmly. ‘And leave, right now.’
‘I can’t believe you’re all doing this to me.’ She looked at everyone imploringly but they avoided her gaze. A sense of determination crossed her face and she folded her arms, glaring at Idris. ‘You can’t tell me to go. You don’t own this cave.’
‘Actually, I do,’ Idris said.
We all looked at him in surprise.
‘Now go, get out,’ Idris said, showing a spark of anger on his handsome face.
Donna stood next to Idris, putting her hands on her hips. ‘We don’t want you here.’
‘Yeah, go away!’ Tom said, sticking his tongue out at Anita.
‘Just go, Anita,’ Caden said quietly.
‘Yes,’ Julien said with a sigh. ‘I think your time here is over.’
The others nodded in agreement, Idris’s protective hand still on my shoulder. Guilt surged through me but I reminded myself it was a matter of survival. This place was my life now.
Donna caught the look on my face and frowned.
Anita’s eyes settled on me. I could see they were resigned now, not angry.
Resigned and disappointed.
‘I can’t believe you’re doing this,’ Anita said to me. ‘I actually thought we could be friends, but clearly I got you all wrong.’
I felt a trickle of remorse but stood my ground, staring her down. Anita blinked then turned on her heel and fled down the beach, leaving her belongings behind. I looked at Idris. He’d said he owned the cave. Had he just lied to make Anita leave? I was about to ask him but then he clapped his hands to get everyone’s attention and the moment was lost.
‘I know that seemed tough,’ Idris said when she was out of earshot, ‘but someone with that kind of vibe isn’t good for us. It will only interfere with the current. Now she’s gone, I guarantee we will all be more creative than ever.’
Everyone nodded and I tried my best to shroud my guilt.
‘And while we’re all gathered together,’ Idris said, ‘I have something I’d like us all to do. Remember I asked you all to remove your watches when you came here?’ He looked at my pocket. I frowned. How did he know? ‘Can you go retrieve them for me?’
We all exchanged curious glances then went off to gather our watches. When we returned, we all stood around the fire Idris had lit, its flames reflected in our eyes.
‘I understand this might be difficult for some,’ he said. ‘But it’s a symbolic gesture, a signal we’ve all entered a deeper phase of our time here.’
‘You’re going to ask us to burn our watches, aren’t you?’ I asked him.
He nodded, holding my gaze. ‘We need this, Selma. A commitment to what we’ve achieved here. What happened with Anita, it has shaken us. But as I stand here, looking at how we’ve supported each other in the face of her lies, it proves to me more than ever how strong we are together. And I want to mark that with a symbolic gesture, a true, clear rejection of numbers, the same numbers the people owning this newspaper are obsessed with,’ he added, gesturing angrily towards the newspaper. ‘Publishing scandalous rubbish to increase their circulation figures, and in turn generate more money. So now is the time to take that step, truly turn your back on numbers by burning your watches.’
‘I can’t,’ I said, shaking my head. ‘It’s all I have of my mother’s. The only thing she left to me after she passed away.’
He tilted his head. ‘Tell me about your mother.’
I thought of my mother’s cold gaze, her beautifully painted lips and the curve of her black hair over her forehead.
‘There’s not much to say.’
‘Tell me.’ His eyes bored into mine.
‘She was … cold. Distant.’ I swallowed, feeling my cheeks turn hot. I rarely talked about this. ‘I – I spent my childhood yearning for her approval.’
‘And this watch,’ Idris said, gesturing to the delicate gold watch. ‘It reminds you of her?’
‘Yes,’ I whispered.
‘It reminds you of how cold she was? How distant?’
I frowned and suddenly felt the weight of it in my hands, the hard, cold metal. I peered up at Idris and we held each other’s gaze.
‘Then why do you keep it?’ he asked.
I nodded. He was right. I walked to the fire and threw the watch in, captivated as sparks flew and it started to melt in the flames.
‘She told me it was real gold,’ I said, laughing bitterly to myself. ‘Gold doesn’t burn like that. She lied to me.’
Idris nodded. ‘She betrayed you again. Her last lie. And now it’s gone forever.’
I watched it sizzle and burn. Then I thought of Anita’s face when she realised I’d betrayed her and felt sick to my stomach. As the watch disappeared, I promised myself I would start over, a phoenix from the flames.
No more lies. Just truth.