Selma
Kent, UK
30 July 1991
I stood outside my house, feeling sunburnt and windswept. It was like I’d been on a gap year, touring every corner of the earth. And yet I’d been gone just two days. In my bag, my notepad pulsed, all the pages filled to bursting after another day of writing. I couldn’t believe how prolific the cave had made me! But that wasn’t what was important that day. Becky was.
And so was Mike and what I was preparing to say to him.
I put the key in the lock and let myself in. The TV was on, familiar clattering sounds from the kitchen ringing out.
‘Hello?’ I called out.
‘Mummy!’ Becky ran down the hallway and bulldozed into my stomach as Mike looked on from the kitchen, brow knitted. ‘Mummy, mummy, mummy!’ Becky repeated.
‘Oh darling.’ A rush of emotions ran through me, right at the top of them guilt. When I wrote, hours turned into seconds so it had seemed as though I’d spent barely any time apart from Becky, but I could see as I looked down into her pretty little face it had felt much longer to her.
‘I missed you, Mummy,’ Becky said. ‘Where have you been?’
‘Just a little holiday,’ I said, stroking her blonde hair back from her face.
She grabbed my hand and pulled me towards her dollhouse. ‘Play with me, Mummy, play with me! Daddy got me new bedroom furniture for it.’
‘Let me go chat to Daddy for a second.’
Becky’s face fell and, for a moment, I thought about just returning, going back to my normal life, just so I didn’t have to see her so disappointed. But then I remembered how happy I’d been the past two days. A happy mum means a happy child. It might take time, but eventually Becky would reap the rewards.
‘Can we talk?’ I asked Mike with a renewed determination.
He nodded, face expressionless, and I followed him to the kitchen.
He picked up a knife and started to angrily chop up a cucumber. ‘You look tanned.’
‘It’s been hot.’
‘I haven’t noticed, been too busy being a single dad.’
‘Oh Mike, it’s been two days.’
He stopped chopping and turned to look at me, blue eyes flashing with anger. ‘Two days when I didn’t have a clue if you’d be coming back or not! It’s your two weeks to look after Becky, for Christ’s sake. I had to book time off at the last minute, you know how my boss is about that kind of thing, especially with the way things are at work at the moment with all the threat of redundancies!’
I looked down at the floor, not sure what to say.
He took a deep breath. ‘Look, I’m sorry, I promised I wouldn’t do this.’ He walked towards me suddenly and took my hand in his. I could see the sense of panic on his face, as if he knew what was about to happen. It made me feel even worse.
‘I’m pleased you’re back,’ he said. ‘You got it out of your system, didn’t you? Now we can get on with things. In fact, how about we get Greg and Julie to look after Becky tonight and go out, just the two of us?’
I shook my head, sadness filling me. ‘No, Mike.’
‘Fine. If you want to stay in, we can do that. I’ll cook us pasta.’
‘I mean, I’m not coming back.’
Mike stepped away from me, shocked. ‘Are you fucking kidding me?’
‘You said a hundred per cent or nothing. I can’t give this marriage a hundred per cent, I just can’t! I haven’t been able to for a while. Neither have you,’ I added gently.
He took deep shuddery breaths. ‘So you’re going back there?’
‘Yes.’
‘But I thought—’ He put his hands to his face then pulled them away again. ‘So this is it? You’re moving out?’
‘I think so.’
‘You think so? Make up your fucking mind, Selma!’ He paced up and down the kitchen. ‘Jesus, what have I done wrong? Is it the writing? I’ve been good to you, let you reduce your hours to write, taken Becky out on Sundays when your deadline approached. And all for a paltry few hundred pounds.’ He stopped pacing, looking me in the eye. ‘Or is it him, that man? Are you fucking him? Is that what I need to do to stop you from flinching whenever I touch you, dye my hair and grow it?’
I felt my cheeks burn with humiliation. ‘No, of course I’m not sleeping with him! Don’t be ridiculous. I just can’t live this life any more,’ I said, feeling strangely tranquil despite the momentous nature of the occasion.
‘You mean you can’t be a mum and a wife?’
‘How can you say that? I’ll never stop being a mum.’
Mike held my gaze then crossed his arms. ‘Life doesn’t work like this, Selma. Especially family life. You can’t just go live in a cave when it takes your fancy. What about work? Please tell me you’ll be going to work.’
I hadn’t really thought about that. ‘I suppose I’ll have to.’
‘She supposes she has to,’ Mike mimicked me with a bitter laugh. ‘Listen to yourself! We have a mortgage to pay. We’d all love to escape the rat race. And Jesus Christ, you’ve achieved that better than most, doing your little hobby two days a week. But oh no, that’s not enough for you. We’re not enough for you.’
Little hobby. He’d never understood, not like the others in the cave had.
Not like Idris did.
I thought of what Idris had said to me the evening before. You should take yourself more seriously. Have more confidence in your actions.
‘It’s clear whatever I say won’t make you understand,’ I said calmly. I took a deep breath. ‘The fact remains, our marriage is over.’
There, better said like that. Quick, painless, like pulling off a plaster. Why draw it out? I was being kind to Mike doing it this way. He might not see that now but, eventually, he’d be grateful.
Mike’s face flickered with pain.
‘This can’t come as too much of a surprise,’ I quickly said. ‘You must have been able to tell how much I’ve been struggling, Mike?’
‘Yes, and I told you to go to the bloody doctor to get some more anti-depressants but you never did, did you? I thought things had got better after the problems you had after having Becky. But it’s all just come back again.’
‘It’s not like that! Those were baby blues. I – it’s just writer’s block, it’s been getting me down.’
‘Maybe we’re making excuses when none are needed. Maybe it’s just the way you are, Selma.’ He paused, his gaze hardening. ‘Maybe you’re just like your mother.’
I looked at him in shock. He knew that was the worst possible thing to say to me.
‘I’m nothing like her,’ I hissed, trying to remain calm. I would not let him wind me up.
‘Really? Ignoring your child, leaving your husband. Selfish, cruel. Becky will probably end up bitter and messed up just like you because of her mother.’
‘How fucking dare you?’ I screamed.
Becky came running into the room. ‘Mummy? What’s wrong?’
‘I’m just telling your mum she’s selfish like your grandmother,’ Mike spat.
I took some deep breaths to calm myself. I was not like my mother and I was going to prove that by calming down.
‘Mummy?’ Becky said in a trembly voice.
I turned to her. ‘I’m fine, darling, I just stubbed my foot. Clumsy like your grandmother, that’s all Daddy meant. Let Daddy and me talk for a few moments then I’ll come play.’
Becky hesitated, looking between us both.
‘Go on,’ I gently urged her.
She frowned then walked out.
‘Nice lie,’ Mike said when she was gone. ‘But then you’ve always been good at that.’
‘I need to see Becky properly,’ I said, ignoring him. I hadn’t expected him to turn bitter like that. I just had to rise above it, put Becky first. ‘I’d like to take her to the cave. Just for a few days, make it like a little holiday for her. Isn’t that what the school holidays are for? Then we can figure out how we divide her time between us.’
‘No way,’ Mike said, shaking his head. ‘No way is she staying in that cave with those people.’
‘Those people? Mike, they’re good, decent people.’
He laughed. ‘You’ve clearly been brainwashed. They’re all nutters. You should hear what people are saying about them at work. And now they’ll all be talking about you too.’
I sighed. ‘That’s ridiculous, nobody’s making me do anything. This is all on me and you know it.’
We held each other’s gaze then he shook his head again. ‘Absolutely not. Becky is not sleeping in a cave.’
‘It’s safe, it’s warm, there’s food and another child for her to play with.’
‘I said no,’ he shouted.
Becky looked up from her dollhouse in the other room.
‘It’s okay, darling,’ I called out. ‘I’ll be out in a moment.’ I turned back to Mike, heart thumping. ‘You need to stop losing your temper in front of her.’
‘I’m not the only one.’
‘Okay, we both need to. Look,’ I said quietly, ‘she’s my daughter too. You have no right to keep her from me. We’ve got to put her first, Mike, not your hurt feelings.’
Mike took a deep breath then he closed his eyes. ‘Fine, just one day and not at that bloody cave. There are plenty of things you can do around here without taking her there.’
I thought about protesting again but realised there was no use. So I just nodded. How would Mike know if I took Becky to the cave anyway?
‘I want her back by six tonight,’ he said.
‘Eight,’ I replied. I’d love Becky to experience feasting at the cave. We’d even got a little bell to announce when dinner was ready.
‘No, absolutely not,’ Mike replied. ‘Six. You can put her to bed here then we can sit down and talk when she’s asleep.’
‘Talk?’
‘You can’t just walk out and not make arrangements, Selma. There’s bills to pay, schedules to discuss. Jesus,’ he said, pacing up and down as he slid his hand over his head. ‘I can’t believe it’s come to this.’
‘This is hard for me too, Mike.’
‘No, it’s not Selma. As long as you’re writing, you’ll be fine.’ Then he walked away.
Five minutes later, I was walking out of the house with Becky. I turned once to see Mike watching from the window, face drawn, and got a flashback to my own father, his face the same as he walked down the path with his suitcase when I was the same age as Becky.
I shook my head, making the memory disappear. I wasn’t like my mother, throwing her husband out in the night so a new man could move in a few weeks later, the first of many. This was different, so different.
I looked down at Becky. ‘We are going to have so much fun!’
It wasn’t long before we approached the cave. Idris was by the sea, helping Donna’s son Tom fish in the shallow waters. He looked up when I was near, and I couldn’t help it, my tummy trembled. He strolled over, giving me a joyous look.
‘This must be Becky,’ he said, waving at her. She stared at him, her mouth open. She’d probably heard about the man with the long white hair at school. I felt a strange shimmer of pride. It felt like I was walking her into a fantasy book. ‘I’m showing Tom how to fish,’ Idris said, crouching down in front of Becky so he was at her level. ‘Will you join us with your mummy?’
Becky peered up at me with big eyes then nodded. ‘Okay.’
We walked towards Tom. The water was calm and the palest of blues, rippling beneath the relentless sun. I settled down on the sand and watched through squinting eyes as Idris showed Becky how to fish with a tiny red fishing net. Every now and again, Becky peered around at me, smiling. I felt the warmth of contentment. This was a good move. If only Mike could understand. Maybe if he came here, he could see it through my eyes. I looked towards the cave, watching people going about their usual business, ceramic plates being moulded, poetry being written, the tinkling of a new tune and the smell of a delicious new sauce being concocted by Donna. Despite how difficult it was to tell Mike the truth, mainly it felt wonderful to be so free.
I peered back at Becky who was yelping with joy as a fish flip-flopped around in her net. Now I just needed Becky to be here with me permanently, not just for a few hours.
‘Look, Mummy, I caught a big one!’ Becky said, looking at me proudly.
‘Clever girl!’ I exclaimed. ‘What are you going to do with it?’
‘Eat it for dinner?’ Becky said, shrugging.
I crawled towards Becky on the sand and grabbed her, euphoria filling me.
‘Then I’m going to have you for pudding.’ I pretended to gobble her up as Tom and Idris laughed, Becky giggling in delight. As we did that, the fish escaped, wiggling out into the ocean and swimming away.
Over the rest of the day, Becky played on the beach with Tom as I sat against my favoured rock, its warmth seeping into my back as I scribbled on my notepad. I’d never been able to write for more than five minutes with Becky around. It was as if my notepad was a magnet for Becky’s attention. But here, with the beach as her playground, a new friend to run riot with, Becky was content.
‘Wine?’ I peered up to see Julien standing over me with a bottle and an empty glass. ‘I know it’s not gin but it’s crisp and it’s cold.’
I smiled at him. ‘Wine would be grand, thank you.’
‘Mind if I join you? That rock looks inviting.’
‘Of course! I was just about to finish anyway.’ I shuffled up as he sat next to me, pouring me some wine and handing it over. It was a surprise to have him join me. Of all the people here, Julien had kept himself most distant from me, quietly watching from afar. I’d been starting to take it personally.
‘Your daughter looks like she’s enjoying herself,’ he commented, looking over at Becky who was now building an intricate network of sand tunnels.
‘What child doesn’t on a day like this?’
He smiled. ‘True. Wait until the tide goes out and she gets to feast her eyes on all the starfish and shells.’ He looked down at my notepad. ‘How’s the writing going?’
‘Flowing,’ I said with a contented sigh. ‘I’ve never been so fired up about something.’
‘That’s what this place does to you.’
‘I saw you whittling some wood earlier. How’s that going?’
‘Same. Pretty amazing.’ He squinted up at the setting sun with his brown eyes. ‘God, I wished I’d discovered this place months ago. I’d have come and buried my head here. But then I guess Idris wouldn’t have been here.’
We both peered towards Idris, who was out in the sea up to his waist, still and staring into the distance. The sun was making his wet back shimmer.
‘He looks like a god,’ I murmured. Julien raised an eyebrow at me. ‘Well, he does, doesn’t he?’ I said, laughing.
‘I suppose he does have a touch of the Jesus about him.’
I examined Julien’s face. ‘Why did you come here?’
He sighed. ‘My business went into administration.’
‘I’m so sorry. What sort of business was it?’
‘Solicitor’s firm. Small but thriving … until the recession hit anyway. The final nail in the coffin? Seeing my ex-wife swanning around and flashing a huge engagement ring. Oh yeah, I forgot to add she left me as soon as the money stopped coming in.’ He looked down at the sand, grabbing large fistfuls of it. ‘It got so bad, I nearly took my life.’
‘Jesus,’ I whispered.
He looked up at me sharply. ‘Please don’t say anything. I’ve only told a handful of people that.’
‘Of course I won’t.’
Julien’s face lightened. ‘But then I saw a man save a boy and I thought, “If he can save that boy, he can save me too.”’
‘Has he?’
‘Yes,’ Julien said simply.
‘And yet it’s been less than two weeks.’
‘Time, it’s just a number.’ He smiled, eyes dancing.
I smiled back. ‘Down with the numbers.’
We laughed, clinking our glasses together. Julien leaned back, taking a sip of his wine. ‘So what about you? Has Idris saved you?’
I looked down at the grains of sand on my tanned bare feet, the chipped pink of my toenails. ‘In a way, I suppose. I guess I’ve found myself again. Found my writing. This place,’ I said, looking around me, ‘the impact it has on my creativity. I’ve never known anything like it.’
‘I get it. So what about your daughter?’ he said, looking towards Becky. ‘Will she stay?’
‘I want her to. But my husband has other ideas.’
‘Donna managed it.’
‘Her husband is a bully.’
‘And yours isn’t? Bullies come in all shapes and sizes, you know.’
I thought of how angry Mike had been. Maybe Julien was right?
In the distance, Julien’s little Jack Russell was limping towards us, tail wagging in between her legs as she held up her paw.
‘What have you done to yourself, girl?’ Julien soothed, stroking her furry little head.
‘Aw!’ Becky said, running over and stroking the dog. ‘What’s her name?’
‘Mojo,’ Julien replied. He leaned down to look at the dog’s paw. It yelped loudly as he touched it. ‘Looks like she’s torn her claw, probably getting caught up in the bushes again.’
‘Oh no, poor puppy,’ Becky said, pouting.
Idris strolled over. ‘Mojo okay?’ he asked Julien.
Idris looked towards Donna. ‘Donna, will you get the first aid kit?’
She jumped up and ran into the cave. I noticed how she was like a little soldier around Idris, following his every command. Donna returned a moment later with a green case in her hands and laid it on the beach, kneeling down as others came over.
‘You’ll have to restrain Mojo,’ Idris said to Julien. ‘We have to get it off so a new one can grow back. It’ll bleed.’
Julien nodded and gently grabbed hold of his dog. Idris got a nail clipper out and started trying to clip the nail off but the dog squirmed.
‘It’s okay,’ Becky said in her sweet soft voice, leaning close to the dog’s furry ear. It looked up at her and she started singing a lullaby, making it calm.
Idris and I looked at each other in surprise.
‘My daughter, the dog whisperer,’ I said. ‘Who knew?’
‘Well then Becky, it looks like you have the special touch,’ Idris said. ‘Here, take this,’ he added, handing her a gauze from the first aid kit.
‘I don’t know what to do with it,’ Becky said, looking worried.
Idris looked her in the eye. ‘I trust you. When I clip the nail off, it will bleed, a lot. I hope you don’t mind a bit of blood?’ Becky shook her head. ‘I want you to quickly cover the area with the gauze and press hard to stem the blood.’
‘Okay,’ Becky said.
‘What if the dog bites her?’ I asked, suddenly worried.
‘She won’t,’ Idris said. ‘There are certain people that have a way with animals. Your daughter is one of them. Ready?’ Idris said to Becky.
Becky nodded. Idris quickly cut the nail off, the dog yelping, and Becky pressed the gauze to the dog’s nail as blood seeped up, starting to sing again to calm her. After a while, the bleeding stopped. Idris nodded at Julien and Julien let Mojo go. The sweet little dog slumped onto Becky, licking her hand.
‘She likes me,’ Becky said.
Idris nodded. ‘You’re a natural, Becky. I believe you’ve just found your calling in life.’
‘What’s a calling?’ Becky asked.
‘The thing you’re meant to do. You’ll work with animals, I can sense it.’
‘You mean a vet?’ Becky asked.
Idris nodded. Becky peered up at her mum. ‘Mummy, I want to be a vet!’
I looked at her in surprise. Becky had never expressed a desire to be a vet before, just a princess or pirate.
‘You’d make a wonderful vet, darling,’ I said.
Becky leaned against me as the dog fell asleep on her lap. The rest of the group dispersed and it was just mother and daughter, sitting on the beach in the late afternoon light, watching gulls swoop for fish in the sea.
‘I want to be here forever,’ Becky said wistfully.
‘Me too,’ I replied. My heart soared but then I felt the watch ticking in my pocket, reminding me we had precious little time left before I had to march Becky home to an angry Mike.
When dinner was served, indicating it was six thirty and past the time I was due to drop Becky off, I ignored the warning voice in my head. Mike couldn’t dictate when and where I could see my own child!
But then I saw a familiar figure striding down the beach.
‘Look, it’s Daddy!’ Becky said.
I looked at his face. Mike was fuming.