Selma
Kent, UK
8 September 1991
I quickened my step, taking the rickety path that led up towards the hotel from the beach. The steps were cracked and clogged with weeds, the metal handrail rusted.
When I got to the top, Idris had disappeared. I walked up to the hotel. It looked even more neglected up close with its peeling paint, overgrown grass and cracked windowpanes. I peered in through the cobwebbed windows, noticing a figure slumped over the reception desk inside. It was Idris.
I tried the handle on the front door. To my surprise, it slipped open. I stepped into the reception area, the sound of my feet echoing around the walls. It was dark and smelt of damp.
Idris looked up, his cheeks shining with tears.
‘What are you doing up here?’ I asked him. ‘You need to be down there with the others.’
‘I – I can’t. It’s too much. It’s all my fault. What have I done?’ Idris let out an anguished cry and put his head in his hands. I looked at him in shock. It was so surreal to see him cry, this man who seemed to be made of stone, a god, indestructible. I felt sorry for him, seeing him like this. But I quickly stifled my pity. He’d brought this on himself.
‘Stop this,’ I commanded.
He looked up. ‘Stop what?’
‘This self-pity!’ I walked towards the counter, putting my hands on the dusty surface as I glared at him. ‘This is no time for weakness, for Christ’s sake. Be the man they think you are. They need you now more than ever! We have to show everyone we can get through this.’
‘What’s the point?’ he said. ‘It’s over. There’s no way we’ll be allowed to stay in the cave now anyway. It’ll be deemed unsafe.’
‘Then we fight them! Surely there’s something we can do? A bloody hotel wouldn’t have been built on a cave that was about to crumble, would it?’ I looked towards a closed door behind Idris. ‘Is that the office in there? Maybe there are documents, structural engineering stuff.’
I went to walk behind the desk but Idris grabbed my hand. ‘Aren’t you going to ask me about Oceane?’
‘Do I need to?’ I countered, my voice showing the first sign of a tremble.
‘It happened before I even saved the boy. Not after … not when you arrived.’
‘Then why the argument in the cave?’
‘Just Caden and Oceane having one of their usual dramas. I went in to check on them and Tom must have been drawn in by his sister shouting.’
I shook my head. ‘I’m not sure I believe you.’
‘It’s the truth.’
‘Really? Why not tell me that when I confronted you with the rumours a few weeks ago?’
‘You asked if something was going on between us. It wasn’t then – it had stopped.’
‘Oh, stop with that crap!’ I shouted, my voice echoing around the walls. ‘I’ve had enough of it. I need the truth now. If we’re to survive, if the Children of the Current is, I need the truth, every bit of it. Like why are you here, in the hotel? How the hell did you get in?’
Idris sighed. ‘I used to live here.’
‘In the hotel?’
He nodded. ‘My parents owned this place, the cave too. I used to play hide and seek under here,’ he said, pointing to the space beneath the reception desk. ‘And I’d help my dad pour pints in there,’ he added, gesturing to the bar. ‘Even helped my mum sort the gardens.’
‘Is that why you’ve been able to stay in the cave? You own it?’
He nodded.
I looked around me, imagining a child running through the hotel’s halls, breathing new life into this place, not as a hotel but as a family home for me and Becky … and for my new baby too. The Children of the Current could still continue, but I’d have a secure home to bring my children up in … and to keep social services at bay if we could move in before the court date in a month or so.
I grabbed a chair and sat on it, rolling it over to Idris so I was sitting in front of him, knee to knee. I took his hands and looked him right in the eye. ‘So you actually own this hotel?’ I asked him, heart thumping hard against my chest. ‘Your family anyway?’
‘Not any more, just the cave.’
My heart sank. I let go of his hands.
‘After my mother died, my father struggled to run the place.’
‘You’re a Peterson?’ I whispered. He nodded. ‘Your mother, she …’ I said softly.
Idris closed his eyes. ‘Yes. She took her own life.’
‘I’m sorry. That must have been difficult. Must still be so difficult.’
He nodded, not saying anything.
‘So what happened to the hotel?’ I asked, looking around me, still so disappointed he no longer owned it.
‘Dad met someone – a woman. She moved in to help him then they got married.’ His jaw clenched. ‘She was awful. The things she made me do while she lazed around. Sweeping floors, cleaning toilets. Even serving bloody food. I was her male Cinderella. I was just thirteen for Christ’s sake.’ He curled his hands into angry fists. It was good to see the spark back in him, even if he was angry. I’d been worried, seeing him so defeated. I needed him strong now, more than ever. For Becky, for our new child … for the Children of the Current so we could prove everyone wrong.
‘Dad turned to drink,’ he continued. ‘It was easy for his new wife to get him to sign the lease over. Funny thing is, the plan was for her to sell it and go off with the money.’ He laughed. ‘Hasn’t been able to sell it though, has she? She refused to budge on the asking price so it’s been on the market for nearly twenty years.’
‘Then how were you able to stay in the cave?’
‘That’s one thing that did stay in the Peterson family. My mother used to love writing in there, and Dad couldn’t bring himself to let it go.’
‘And where’s your dad now?’ I asked softly.
‘Drinking his life away in a flat a couple of miles away from here. That’s why I came back a couple of months ago, to see him after his friend called to say he was in a bad way. I couldn’t face staying in his flat with him and couldn’t afford to pay for a hotel. So I broke into this place,’ he said, looking around him. ‘My old home. What should still be my home if it weren’t for my stepmother. That’s when I saw Oceane. She’d come here some nights with friends to drink, smoke pot.’
‘And you slept together?’
He sighed. ‘She lied about her age. It was stupid, reckless. I was high. I was mourning, too.’
‘Mourning?’
‘My dad passed away just before I saved the boy.’
I took in a deep breath. ‘I’m so sorry.’ I squeezed his hand. He’d experienced such tragedy. ‘Where were you before you came back to see your dad?’ I asked.
‘London. I moved there when I was sixteen; I had to get away. Those street artists you see doing caricatures?’ I nodded. ‘That was me until a few months ago.’
I thought of all the rumours about him: New Zealand, Australia, the States, even Russia. A rock star. A drug dealer. A millionaire. When all along he’d been selling his art on the streets of London.
‘Is that how you managed to live when you first got there?’ I asked. ‘Selling art?’
He avoided my gaze. ‘I had money – money my stepmum thought belonged to her.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Dad agreed to make his bank account a joint account with her. She drew a few thousand out once to buy a car, left it on the side as she took a phone call. I grabbed it and ran off with it, heard her shouting out at me as I jumped in the taxi I’d called.’ He swallows, peering out into the darkness. ‘Ever since then, I’ve been looking over my shoulder. She told me once her family were known criminals and that if I crossed her, I’d never be safe. It made me dislike her even more. Maybe she was a criminal herself and was just with my father for the money?’
I thought of the graffiti scrawled on the cave yesterday.
‘You think they’ve caught up with you?’ I asked.
He shuddered. ‘Maybe.’ He peered up at me. ‘Not so appealing now, am I? A thief, a street artist, always looking over my shoulder?’ He paused a moment then frowned. ‘The money wasn’t the only thing I stole.’
I sighed. ‘What else?’
‘All this stuff about the current, numbers, feasts? I got it all from a weekend retreat I went on in Battersea a few years ago.’
‘I thought you lived with a healer.’
‘I did … for two days. At the retreat. It was all his teachings, the current, no watches.’
‘Jesus,’ I whispered.
‘It’s over, isn’t it?’ Idris said. ‘All of it is over. The Children of the Current … you and me?’ He flinched as he said that. ‘The dream’s over.’
I looked into his eyes. Did I think any differently about him? Of course. But the feelings were still there, somewhere, beneath the disappointment. And what about the Children of the Current? I thought of Greg’s mocking eyes as he’d said the same as Idris. The dream’s over, Selma. And then Julie: You’ve torn your family apart for nothing.
No. Absolutely not. I would not let it be for nothing. Idris just needed an incentive to get him back to his old self. And I knew just what that was.
I took his hand and brought it to my belly. ‘It’s not over, Idris. It’s only just the beginning.’
He frowned. ‘What do you mean?’
‘I’m pregnant.’
His mouth dropped open. ‘You’re …’
I smiled. ‘Yes.’
He sunk to his knees and pressed his lips against my belly.
‘Now do you understand why you need to stay strong?’ I said, stroking his hair as I looked down at him.
He gazed up at me. ‘I’m worried I’m too weak, that they’ll all see through me now.’
‘Not with me by your side. For the sake of our child, we mustn’t give up. If we can just hold our dream together, prove to people how safe, how wonderful living this way is, the possibilities are endless.’
His green eyes sparkled with new hope. ‘You really think that?’
‘I do. But not a word to anyone else about what you’ve just told me, okay?’ I said, face serious. ‘It will only work if they still look up to you … to us.’
He kneeled, peering up at me like I was a god. ‘What about my stepmother though? What if it is her or her family who vandalised the cave?’
‘She’s not done anything else, has she?’ I said.
He nodded but the frown remained on his face.
When we got back down to the cave, those who remained were gathered around the table, talking. They went quiet when we walked in, hand in hand. Julien went to speak but Idris put his hand up.
‘Everything will be okay,’ Idris said. ‘As long as we remain together and strong, it will be okay. Now, shall we enter the current?’
Everyone looked at each other hesitantly.
‘It’s out of our hands now,’ I said. ‘All we can do is what we know. Channel our thoughts onto healing those who have been hurt.’
It felt weird saying that, but the rest of them believed in it so much. If it meant me spouting all of that too for the group to survive, then so be it.
Idris went to sit down at the head of the table and peered up at me. Under the harsh artificial light of the battery-operated lamp we’d placed in the kitchen, I could see the dark circles under his eyes, how pale his usually tanned skin was.
Despite his new resolve, I could see he was crumbling. I needed to take charge.
‘Let’s start,’ I said, pulling a chair up to sit at the head of the table with him.
I woke late the next morning to the sound of heavy rain. The cave was darker than I’d ever seen it during the day, and it smelt different. Damp. Mossy. Rain like a drum of thunder echoing around the cave.
I rose and padded through the cave, past Julien painting his chair and Maggie at her urn. Oceane was in the hospital with her mum and brother, Caden too being treated for his arm injuries.
It was going to take a lot of work to rebuild things but I’d woken with a renewed energy. I was up for the challenge – I had to be. I now had a baby growing inside me and a looming court date to determine the fate of my other child. It made me feel even more determined. I had to create a sense of stability for my children. Sure, I could return to a normal life, rent a cheap flat in town. But the money would run out quickly, and I doubted my old boss would take me back considering the way I’d just walked out on my job. And then what? I didn’t want to be like my mother, scrabbling around for every penny, relying on men to support her.
Living in the cave gave me freedom from relying like that on money. It gave me the freedom to write. For that to continue, I needed people to believe we were strong here, that children could be happy here too.
But what of Idris? Was he up for the challenge? It had concerned me to see him so weak the night before, so easily overwhelmed. He needed to pick himself up, and soon, if we were to prove to everyone the Children of the Current could weather any storm that came our way.
I got ready and found him at the front of the cave, making coffee. His skin took on a different quality in this gloomy morning light, more real. His blond hair looked darker too. I imagined how he would look in winter, wrapped up in fur as he gazed out to a turbulent sea like the character I was writing about.
He saw me approach and walked over, giving me a lingering kiss. Then he pulled a chair out for me. ‘Put your feet up,’ he said. ‘You need to rest.’
I sat down, smiling up at him. He did seem back to his old self. Maybe the fact he was to be a father had sunk in and revitalised him?
‘Tea?’ he asked me. ‘That’s better for you than coffee, right?’
‘You missed the sunrise,’ he said. ‘It was beautiful.’
‘Not so beautiful now,’ I replied, peering out at the clouds.
‘Yeah, the clouds started gathering when I walked back down.’
‘Down? Where did you go?’
‘Up to the hotel.’ He smiled. ‘I found a recent unopened letter from the council proving this cave’s structurally sound. They can’t kick us out for health and safety reasons.’
I matched his smile. ‘Brilliant!’
‘I also got this in town,’ he said, pulling out a small grey teddy from his pocket. ‘For the baby.’
I took it, pressing it against my cheek. ‘It’s gorgeous.’
‘I got some paint too. That’s why I woke when the sun was rising, I wanted to get the exact same colour as the sunrise and found the perfect pigment for it.’
I smiled to myself. He really was back to his old self.
‘What are you going to paint?’
‘Our child.’
My smile deepened.
‘It’s going to be a girl,’ he continued, voice filled with certainty. ‘And her hair will be the colour of the sun rising on a September morning.’
He crouched down to put his hand on my belly and I put my hand over his. His child was growing inside me. This man, this otherworldly person.
‘You two look chirpy this morning.’ We both looked up to see Donna standing at the entrance. She looked exhausted, her short, dark hair a mess, face creased.
Idris jumped up. ‘Donna! How’s Tom?’
‘I’m surprised you care,’ Donna said, her voice shaking. ‘All full of smiles and lightness, the both of you. Almost like my son wasn’t nearly crushed to death despite me begging you to ask everyone to avoid the cave.’
‘Donna, be calm,’ Idris said, putting his hand on her arm. ‘You will only make yourself feel worse.’
She pulled her arm away from him. ‘Don’t tell me to be calm, Idris! My son’s lying in hospital right now with a crushed leg thanks to your selfish naivety and ignorance.’
I stood up. ‘We’re so sorry, Donna. Idris wasn’t to know the cave would collapse from just a few rocks falling.’
‘I know Tom will be fine,’ Idris said. ‘I can sense it.’
I nodded. ‘We were all in the current last night. You should have seen it, hours and hours we sat around this very table,’ I said, desperate not to lose her from the group, especially as she was a midwife. I couldn’t risk social services knowing I was pregnant so to have a midwife here would be invaluable. Plus the more people we had, the stronger we were. It seemed so empty in the cave now, just Idris, me, Julien and Maggie.
Donna shook her head in disbelief. ‘Jesus Christ, Selma, listen to yourself! You sound just like Idris. Who’s the bloody cult leader now? You two need to stop lying to yourselves. The dream’s over and it’s about time you both did everyone else a favour and accepted it.’ She looked me up and down, shaking her head. ‘Especially you, Selma. The court date will be coming up soon. Go get a flat, for Christ’s sake, give yourself half a chance of getting custody of your daughter, won’t you?’
I frowned.
‘Donna,’ Idris said, stepping towards her and putting his hand on her arm. But she shrugged him away and marched to her bed, ignoring anyone else who tried to talk to her, gathering her stuff up then storming back out.
Idris watched her, blinking in shock. Donna had been so consistent in her support of him.
‘Why was she so angry?’ Julien asked, walking over.
‘Grief does that to people,’ I quickly explained. ‘She needs someone to blame. She’ll understand in a few days, when Tom is better. Right, Idris?’
Idris nodded slowly, still in shock.
‘Will Tom and Caden be better?’ Maggie asked. ‘Idris, you were there? Were the injuries bad?’
Idris opened his mouth then closed it.
‘Of course they will,’ I said. ‘We just need to keep getting into the current, focusing our thoughts on them.’
Maggie and Julien exchanged doubtful looks, and I felt a sense of panic. We were losing them.
‘In fact, we have some news,’ I said. ‘News that will prove just how much getting into the current works.’
Maggie’s eyes lit up. ‘You’re pregnant?’
I smiled, and Maggie pulled me into a hug as Julien smiled hesitantly.
‘What I didn’t tell you is, since Becky, I haven’t been able to have children,’ I lied. ‘In fact, I was told by a doctor it was impossible for me to get pregnant again.’
Idris looked at me in surprise.
‘But this miracle,’ I said, putting my hand to my belly, ‘is a sign. You see, I haven’t just been focusing on my writing when I’ve been in the current. I’ve been focusing on healing my body too. And it worked! There’s no other explanation.’
Maggie’s smile deepened as Julien patted Idris on the back.
Idris was still frowning. He could see it was a lie. But the important thing was, I needed Maggie and Julien to keep the faith. I needed this new ‘miracle’ to be like Idris appearing to walk on water that day. Did the fact it was a lie really matter, just as Idris walking on water was an illusion?
‘I know it’s been a disruptive twenty-four hours,’ I said softly. ‘But this is proof what we do here works. I suggest we dedicate two hours each evening to getting into a collective current to heal Tom and Caden. What do you think, Idris?’
He continued staring at me.
‘Idris?’ I repeated.
He snapped out of it, nodding. ‘Yes, good idea.’
‘It’s also worth us taking some walks during the day when you can,’ I added. ‘Talk to people, spread the word. The cave collapse will have concerned some, putting them off coming here. I think if we can show how welcoming we are, it will be a great help. The more people we can get into the current to focus on healing, the more effective it will be.’ I ran my hand over my belly. ‘Just as it was for me,’ I added. I clasped Maggie’s hand and smiled at Julien. ‘It will all be fine. Life throws us challenges but we can rise to them, right?’
Maggie and Julien nodded, exchanging smiles, and I almost felt sorry for them. But better they were deluded than knew the sad truth. Idris was a fake and I … I was a woman desperate to appear strong for the sake of keeping her children. That was all that mattered now. Becky and the child growing inside me.
Over the next few weeks, we settled into our old ways again, despite what had happened in the small cave … and despite the fact there were only five of the original group left. Surprisingly, Caden had returned, walking into the cave with his arm in a sling. He was received with joy but I couldn’t help but watch the dynamic between him and Idris. Did Caden know what had happened in the hotel above between Idris and Oceane?
I was happy though, feeling optimistic about the baby and my chances of winning custody of Becky. I’d had the court date through finally, delayed until the end of November due to the social workers’ workloads. It felt like fate was giving me more time.
Becky was still sulky when we spent our days together, but we fell into a routine of sorts, long walks on the beach, lunch at the café. Thanks to it being cooler now, I was able to hide my growing belly from her under jumpers and cardigans. And, more importantly, from Mike when he dropped Becky off for visits.
The novel was going well too. I was on to the last few chapters, more motivated than ever. I needed to make money, to prove to everyone I could support my children financially. I was determined to finish it before the baby was born in May. Maggie had offered to type it up using the skills she’d gained in her life before the cave. I would then edit it and it would be retyped, ready to be sent to my agent in the spring.
Imagine that: a new baby and a new book deal all at the same time.
I didn’t think about how the baby would be delivered though. I hadn’t even been to the doctors as I was too scared they’d report me to social services. There wasn’t one person who didn’t know about the ‘cult’ as we were called by outsiders, and that included the local GPs. I needed Donna back; she’d been a midwife after all. I told myself I’d think about that after the court date.
As the days drew in though, conditions in the cave worsened. Rain water spilled into the entrance, and the cave walls iced up when it was cold. We’d installed heaters, powered by the generators Julien had sourced, but it was still freezing. I grew increasingly paranoid about the people that would slink by the cave in the night, even wading through the high tide to get there. Sometimes I’d wake, sure I could see eyes blinking in at me. I thought of Idris’s angry stepmother and her family. What if they tried to hurt us?
One day, I tried to broach the idea of putting a gate up of some kind at the front of the cave, but everyone seemed horrified by the idea.
‘The whole point is we’re open to the elements here,’ Maggie said. ‘I like it that way.’
‘I agree with Maggie,’ Idris said. ‘Gates would defeat the object of this place.’
I thought about arguing back but I could see they were convinced.
The next day, just as I was about to tackle the last chapter of my novel after breakfast, I returned to my bed to discover pages from my notepad torn and scattered on the floor. I grabbed them and ran to Idris, showing him the scattered pages.
‘I just found my notepad like this,’ I said. ‘Someone must have destroyed it while we were sleeping.’
His face registered surprise. ‘The same thing has happened to me.’