Adaline has me trapped beneath her on the couch, and even with the sharp thorns of unrelenting desire stabbing me from within, I’d have it no other way. She lies on top of me, sound asleep with her head resting on my chest and her heart beating steadily against my abs. My arms have been wrapped around her for well over an hour since she turned on some chick flick that now drones in the background.
Being with her this past month has been perfect. School is about to be out for summer, and even though I’ll be increasing my hours at work so I can continue to stash money aside for college, I’m looking forward to spending all my free time with Adaline. It’s crazy how she’s gotten to me. I’ve never felt like I needed the affections of a girl. Wanted? Yes. Needed? No. But the more she gives, the more I crave.
We’ve been spending a lot more time together since she told me that she struggles with feeling lonely because her mother is gone so much. So, as soon as I get off work, I come over here to be with her. There’s no rules or curfews that her mom has ever set in place since she isn’t around to enforce them. Not that Adaline needs anyone watching over her shoulder. She’s a good girl through and through. Even with freedom in her hands, she isn’t one to stay out too late or get into trouble. Hell, the girl doesn’t even cuss.
As good as everything is, I’d be lying if I said being with her doesn’t intensify my panging need for release. Because it does, and I’ve been having a damn hard time controlling myself when hunger strikes. I’m falling for Adaline, which puts me in a tough position because I want more from her—I need more. But the type of more I want, she isn’t comfortable with. She isn’t like Krista, who doesn’t value what it means to open her legs to someone. Fuck, I don’t even value what it means to have a girl open her legs for me.
That isn’t Adaline, though, and I never want it to be. I would never use her the way I’ve used others, because I care about her deeply. Which is why I haven’t stopped by Krista’s place since Adaline and I started seeing each other.
She shifts on me, turning her head to the other side. I run my hand down her spine as she releases a small yawn and begins to stir awake. When she lifts her head, I can tell it takes her a moment to clear the fog of sleep.
“Hey.” Her voice is a groggy rasp.
“Hey, yourself.”
“How long have I been out?”
I push my fingers through her messy hair and away from her face. “Long enough that I no longer have any feeling in my legs.”
She smiles, and I steal it away with a kiss. I roll onto my side so that she’s nestled between me and the back of the couch. She sleeps hot, and when I slip my hand under her shirt, her back is slightly damp against my touch.
Each day that passes, she relaxes more and more with me. She used to be so uncertain, often tensing and pulling away when I would try to give her my affections. But now, she has both her hands under my shirt as well and her leg draped over my hip. I run my palm up the back of her thigh and press myself closer to her.
She giggles softly into my mouth when she feels how hard I am.
“Shit isn’t funny, babe,” I say with an air of humor. It isn’t the first time she’s felt me like this. I mean, it isn’t like there’s any controlling myself when we’re this close, so I don’t even bother making an awkward situation more awkward by trying to hide it from her.
Adaline pops up when the door from the garage opens.
“Fuck,” I utter under my breath as the both of us sit up and compose ourselves, but Adaline can’t rein in her laughter when I shove my hand down my pants to adjust myself.
“Hey, Mom.”
“Hi, dear,” she responds mindlessly, her attention focused on her phone. It takes her another second or two before she looks up and spots me. “Oh, hi, Kason,” to which I nod and smile nervously while waiting for my dick to settle down.
“What are you doing home so early?” Adaline asks.
Cheryl sets the pizza box she’s carrying on the kitchen counter and opens a cabinet to pull down a wine glass. “I had to get out of the office. I’m starting to lose my mind with this case, and my mood is all over the damn place.”
Adaline peers over the back of the couch toward the kitchen. “Is that pizza?”
“Yes. Are you hungry?”
“Starved!”
“What about you, Kason? Are you able to stay for dinner?”
I look over to Adaline, and she mouths stay.
“If that isn’t a problem,” I tell her mother as she pours herself a glass of wine.
“Don’t be silly. Plus, it’ll give us a chance to finally talk.”
Even though I’ve been seeing her daughter for a month now and am over here more days than not, I’ve only seen her mom a few times, and it’s always a fast exchange of hello and goodbye.
Standing from the couch, I head into the kitchen, offering, “What can I help you with?” hoping to make a good impression on the high-powered attorney. By looks alone, this woman is intimidating, but from the little encounters we’ve had, she seems pretty down to earth, which was unexpected.
She grabs her glass and the pizza box. “Would you mind getting the plates? They’re in the cabinet to your left.”
Adaline gets a couple of drinks from the fridge before we head out back to the table outside.
“The fresh air is so nice after being at the jail all day,” she says, kicking off her heels and grabbing a slice of pizza. “Help yourself, Kason.”
“What were you doing there?”
“I had to meet with my client. It makes for a long day when I have to go visit him. He isn’t the most cooperative man, either.” She takes a sip from her glass. “But enough about my life. How was school today, Ady?”
“Same as every other day—uneventful.”
“Thank you, dear, for that wealth of information,” her mother teases before turning to me. “Do you happen to share any classes with my daughter that you can fill me in on?”
Adaline laughs as she sits back and eats her pizza.
“We only have Anatomy together at the end of the day, but I wouldn’t call it uneventful,” I tell her. “Every time we have to work on our dissections, she insists that the teacher give her a mask to wear and then she drenches the thing in her body spray before putting it on.”
“Those cats smell so bad. It’s beyond disgusting.”
“Basically, I have a slacker for a lab partner because she just stands there complaining about the smell while I do all the work.”
“Ady,” her mother playfully scolds as she attempts to hide her smile. “Why would you even take a class like that?”
“Because when you move at the end of the year, you get whatever classes are left over. I’m seriously doing what I can to pass. You should be proud that I’m managing a high B.” She teasingly narrows her eyes at me and takes another bite of food.
I love her playfulness and feed into it when I boast, “I’m making a high A.”
“You’re a turd,” she quips before her mother interjects, saying, “I like this guy.”
When laughter subsides, Cheryl turns her focus to me. “So, Kason, what other classes do you enjoy?”
“Pretty much all of them. School has always come easily for me. I’m taking a few AP classes to help with college credits that are time-consuming, but I manage to keep my grades up.”
“Already thinking about college? I’m impressed. Maybe you can encourage Ady.”
“I already registered to take an SAT prep course, thank you very much.”
She smiles at Adaline before asking me, “Do you have any ideas about what you want to study?”
“Not really.”
“Well, it’s still early. It took me a while to figure out that law was what I wanted to do.” She looks at my now empty plate and serves me another slice.
“Thanks.”
“What about your parents?” she starts, and I grow a little restless. “What do they do?”
Uncomfortably, I stall, unsure of how to answer. Both of them assume I come from their world since I go to the same high school as Adaline. It’s the same assumption everyone around here has about me. It’s the sham I’ve let them all believe because I’m too ashamed to let anyone know the circumstances I come from. The last thing I want is for her to know the truth about what type of guy her daughter is dating, so I do the only thing I can. “My mom works in event planning.” I hate to lie. It makes me sick to my stomach, but when I see her mother’s approving smile, I know she’d never accept the truth. And if she did, she’d do so with a massive scoop of pity for me.
“That sounds exciting.”
I shift my eyes nervously over to Adaline, who’s giving me an inquisitive look as if she’s eager to know more. I don’t blame her. I do my best to keep the focus on her and off me so I won’t be put in situations like the one I’m in right now.
“And what about your father?” Cheryl adds.
“It’s only my mom.”
She looks over at Adaline. “Have you met her yet?”
Adaline shakes her head and then responds to her while looking at me. “He’s never invited me over.” Her tone is humorous, but I can’t help feeling the sharp blade of criticism, as if she’s irritated that I haven’t included her in my world as much as she has included me in hers. Or maybe I’m reading too much into everything right now.
I brush her off, trying not to make a big deal about it. “Because you’re always telling me to come over here.”
Her mother doesn’t ask anything else about my family, and I’m relieved when she turns to Adaline and says, “I keep forgetting to tell you, but I have a conference in Jacksonville that I will be at for a week in August. If you want, you can come with me. I won’t be around, but you can enjoy the hotel.”
“I’d rather not be cooped up in a hotel with nothing to do.”
She picks up her glass of wine and says, “I don’t blame you,” before taking another sip.
We finish dinner, and when we take our dishes back inside, her mom calls it a night. “I’m going to turn in early and get some much-needed sleep. Kason,” she says, “it was good seeing you again.”
“You, too, and thanks for dinner.”
She says good night and hugs Adaline before heading to her bedroom.
“I should probably get going,” I tell her, needing to get some space from the deception I just threw their way.
“Already?”
“I have homework I need to finish.”
She gives me a suspicious look, and I worry she can see my unease. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah. I’m fine.”
She slips her arms around my waist and cranes her head back so she can look at me. “Stay. At least little while longer.”
And just like that, I give in. “Come here.” I take her hand, leading her back outside and over to the large hammock.
I get on first and then help her as she crawls into my arms and nestles her head on my shoulder. Holding her, I close my eyes and try to force away the anxiety that’s eating away at the pit of my stomach. Shame is a vicious beast that’s been tormenting me for a while now when it comes to Adaline. It’s what made me want to keep her at arm’s length when I first met her, but fuck if I didn’t shoot all that to hell the night I kissed her on the beach.
Who am I kidding? It was shot to hell much sooner than that.
But it’s when she says my name with so much uncertainty that worry cripples me.
“Kason?”
Something inside catapults, and I grow wary of why she’s treading so cautiously with me.
“Why haven’t you invited me to your house?”
Instinct tells me to lie, to get the hell out of here before she learns the truth and dumps me. But I stay, because I’m frozen even though she’s so warm against me. However, there’s no way I’m going to be able to keep this from her. Adaline’s different from any other girl I’ve ever met, and with how close we’ve been getting, I’m not going to be able to keep everything a secret the way I wish I could. I know that the moment she finds out I’m nothing like the rich kid she assumes I am will be the moment she walks away. Although we’ve only been together for a short while, I’m already falling for her, and I don’t want to lose her.
She lifts her head and looks at me from under her soft lashes, and I doubt I’ll ever be lucky enough to find someone else as kind and as beautiful as she is again. Girls like her don’t exist where I’m from. Those girls are hard and jaded, and if they’re not those things, then they’re cheap and easy.
But this girl, she’s soft and good, and with insecurity in her eyes, I know I have to be honest.
“There’s something I need to tell you.” My gut knots, and I pull her back to my chest so I don’t have to see the look in her eyes when I tell her, “I don’t come from your world.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t live around here. And I don’t have money like you do.”
She tries to draw back, but I flex my arms around her to keep her in place. I’m too much of a coward to face her.
I take in a deep breath that doesn’t serve me well and reveal, “I live in a small apartment about thirty minutes north of here. And what I said about my mom isn’t true. She works two jobs, both that only pay her enough to keep a roof over our heads and our electricity on.”
And this time, it’s her arms that tighten around me, but I refuse to look at whatever pity she may have in her eyes.
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Because it’s easier to fit in when everyone assumes I’m a part of all this.”
“This?”
“Money.”
She presses her hands against my chest, using her strength to push up from me, and when I look at her, there’s pain in her eyes. “You thought I was so shallow that I’d judge you because you don’t come from money?” She’s hurt and defensive.
“I know you’re not shallow. I wouldn’t be with you if you were.”
“Then why not tell me?”
“Because I don’t think you realize exactly how far I am from your world.”
“It’s your world, too.”
“You know what I mean.” I sit up and wrap my hands around her slight shoulders so she’ll take me seriously. “I don’t work because I want to. I work because I don’t have any other choice. And I don’t take advanced classes because they’re fun. I do it because I’m going to need all the help I can get to have a shot at college.” Her expression is stone as she takes in my words. “My life isn’t easy, Adaline. It looks nothing like yours.”
“The only thing that bothers me about all of this is that you felt like I would judge you. That all I care about is if someone has money.” She takes a moment, and when I drop my hands from her, she slacks her shoulders. “What matters to me is that you’re a good person and you care about me. I don’t care where you live, and I would never look down on you because of that.”
I stare at her, dumbfounded, as she tells me this. I wasn’t expecting this reaction, and I’m taken aback.
“I didn’t know how to tell you; I’ve never had to tell anyone. No one even knows except Micah.”
“Why Micah and no one else?”
“Because it was his father that got me transferred into this school.”
Her brows pinch in puzzlement, and I go on to explain. “When I was a freshman, I lied about my age to get the job I have now. It’s one of several businesses Micah’s dad owns. He found out I lied on my application, and when he sat to question me, I told him why I needed the job so badly. He couldn’t officially hire me because I was too young, so he let me work around his house since they were doing a remodel. That’s how I met Micah,” I tell her. “After a few months of his dad getting to know me, he pulled some strings, probably made a hefty donation, and got me into the school.”
She drops her head, and when I lift her chin, she wavers before asking, “Is this why you sell Micah weed? Because you need money?”
How the fuck does she know I sell that shit?
“What are you talking about?”
“I know you’re selling it because he told me.”
“I don’t smoke that shit,” I immediately defend.
“I know you don’t. I just . . .” Her voice drifts, and she looks away for a second. “I don’t like that you sell it. I mean, what if you get caught?”
God damn, this girl. The fact that she cares about what could happen to me tugs my heart down deep in my chest. I take her in my arms, and she circles hers around me as we lie back down. I have no idea what she sees in someone like me, but my heart ignores all the self-debasing answers.
“Whoever you get it from, have Micah buy it from them.”
“Okay.” As much as I could use the money, it isn’t as if I make a lot off the deals, so it definitely isn’t worth upsetting her.
Tucking her closer to me, I press my lips on to hers in an unmoving kiss, having never felt the way she’s making me feel right now. She drops her lips along my jaw and down my neck, and when she nuzzles her head beneath my chin, she murmurs, “Can we hang out at your place tomorrow?”
“Yeah, babe,” I respond, trusting that when she says she would never judge me, she means it.
We linger in this moment for a while longer, but when she begins nodding off, I make sure to get her inside before I head out. There’s a peace that resides within me when I’m with Adaline, but it’s never enough to completely snuff out the insatiable hunger I can’t shake. When I’m with her, I’m needy for affection, but it only makes my struggle worse.
As I drive home, it takes everything in me not to pull off the side of the road and jerk off. My stomach twists, and I become restless. It doesn’t matter how much I fight myself, I can’t seem to tame whatever it is that causes me to be like this. I think back to Adaline and cringe at the thought of her knowing this about me. She may not have judged my lot in life, but she would be disgusted if she ever found out about my inner workings. That I spend most hours of the day horny as all get out, thinking of when I’ll be able to get my next fix.
My dick is excruciatingly hard by the time I pull into my parking space. I run one palm over my crotch and swipe the back of my other hand across my sweaty forehead. When I get out of my car, I look over to see Krista’s car parked a few spaces down.
My heart thumps against my chest, and my bones tingle with urgency. Like a bad habit, my feet lead me to the remedy, taking me to the next building over. The neck of my shirt dampens as I stand in front of her door. I think about all the highs that are waiting for me on the other side if only I could knock. God damn, I want to knock so bad as my hard-on strains against my shorts, but I can’t. If Adaline ever found out, she would never see it as an emotionless release. She deserves a guy who can restrain himself better than this, but maybe I’m not better. Maybe the reason I’m about to fuck Krista is because there’s something inside me that isn’t right.
I shake that thought out of my head, because I can’t handle the fear it brings.
Before I do something that I’ll regret, I turn on my heels and walk with failure in my step all the way to my apartment.
But I didn’t fail. Not entirely.
Frustration bites at my core, and I rip off my sweat-soaked shirt when I kick the door to my bedroom shut. As much as I want to pretend I don’t need this, I know the truth. I know I can’t live without it.
I want to do right by Adaline—I do. I want it so badly, but at what cost? If I’m forsaking sex, then shouldn’t that be enough?
Lying on my bed, I open a free online porn site on my phone, and without another thought, my mind drags into a fog as I watch some chick with fake tits bouncing on top of a dude as I jack off. I cum hard and fast, but euphoria fades when I lose myself inside an unrelenting dark wave of repulsion. The fact that I had to talk myself out of fucking Krista only to come home and get myself off to cheap porn makes me sick to my stomach. My truth is so unworthy of the girl my heart has started attaching itself to. When I think about how pure she is, it only reminds me how dirty I am.