Anger.
That was what I felt when I got out of bed this morning. After Molly told me about Kason and that girl, I couldn’t clear my head and calm my thoughts long enough to fall asleep. Tossing and turning is how I found myself for most the night. I hardly got any rest at all. How could I with the images playing in my head. My mind tormented me all night as I pictured him with her, over and over in various scenarios: in his car, in her bed, in a random room at a party. With each scene, I imagined him on top and then her on top. Clothes all the way off. Clothes halfway off. Slow. Fast. Sweet. Rough. And when it was over, did he hold her in his arms or get up and walk away? And then my heart cracked a little when I started wondering if he talked to her lovingly the way he does with me. What did he say? What were his words? How did he touch her? I drove myself to the brink of craziness last night with tears that refused to stop.
I’m still going crazy.
Crushed.
That’s what I am under the anger that’s working as a mask for the sadness beneath. It’s too tender of an emotion for me to touch right now, so I bury it under feelings that are strong enough to keep me from falling apart. At least on the outside. My outward appearance is intact. But on the inside, I feel like Kason took an ax to my heart.
“We don’t have to go,” Molly says while I drive.
“I’m fine.” Lie. “Like I said, Kason and I had already talked about that stuff.” Another lie—kind of.
She shoots me an I-know-better look, but I sluff it off and muster the best smile I can. Honestly, I’d rather be at home sulking and throwing darts into photos of Kason’s face—his perfectly perfect face—but this is Molly’s last day here. The last thing I want is to subject her to my misery. Besides, there will be plenty of time for me to sulk when she leaves tomorrow.
I can’t even begin to explain how it feels when I walk into Micah’s house, knowing Kason is here. It’s a mixture of so many things that settle low in the bottom of my gut. I don’t want to spoil this day for anyone here, but my temper is already flaring.
The three of them are out back on the dock, and I trail slowly behind Molly as she rushes outside. I drop my sunglasses over my tired eyes while I watch Trent take Molly’s hand and help her step onto the impressive sports boat.
My first glance over to Kason is all it takes for another agonizing image to appear in my head, and I want to run back home. But I don’t. Instead, I walk inside in hopes to pull myself together with a moment alone.
As I’m rummaging through the fridge for a can of coke, I hear the back door open and close.
“What are you doing?”
I snap open the tab and take a quick sip. “Just thirsty.”
He walks over and pulls me into his arms. I want to push him away, knowing these are the same arms that held Katy. My embrace is weak at best, and he senses it.
“Everything okay?”
“I’m tired, that’s all.”
He pushes my sunglasses back, and when he sees the dark circles under my eyes, I duck my head and walk away, going back outside before I break down in front of him. I make my way straight to Micah, knowing he’ll be able to distract me enough from my brewing emotions.
“Can you hold this line for me?” he says when I hit the dock, and I’m happy to be put to work.
Micah shows me what to do, and a few minutes later, he shouts out to Kason, who is still inside.
“Let’s go!”
Kason comes down to the dock and takes the line from me. Trent then helps me step onto the boat. I don’t look back when I grab Molly’s hand and lead her up to sit with me in the two-seater bow cockpit.
Micah starts the boat, and Kason jumps on before kicking us off the dock. Once Trent is in the water on the jet ski, we start to move.
“You didn’t know, did you?” Molly asks as she leans in close to me.
I look back and see Kason and Micah talking as Micah steers us through the channel that leads out to the bay before turning back to her.
“It’s obvious you’re upset.”
Again, shielded by my sunglasses, I can hide the sadness in my eyes, but I know she sees it all over my face. I quietly admit, “I’m so mad at him.”
“Did you say anything yet?”
“No. I didn’t want to make today any more awkward than it already is.”
“But you are going to say something, right?” she questions, and when I don’t answer her, she presses, “Ady, come on. You have to say something.”
“I will. It’s just . . . I really love him.”
“Which is why you need to say something. If it’s bothering you this much, he should know and at least have a chance to talk to you about it.”
“I feel stupid, though,” I admit. “It isn’t as if he cheated on me or anything. He didn’t do anything wrong.”
“No one is saying he did. But you’re still upset, and he should know.”
I shake my head and let the wind whip through my hair when we hit the open bay and Micah speeds up. “Not today.” I take a deep breath and fill my lungs before tilting my face to the bright sun. “It’s your last day here. I don’t want to ruin it with stupid boy drama.”
She gives my cheek a peck, and when I finally crack a smile, she tosses her arms up, and hollers back to Micah, “Faster!”
He cranks it a gear up, and Trent lets out an excited, “Yeah, man,” as he speeds alongside the boat.
We fly across the smooth water of the bay, and I’m so thankful to have Molly here with me today. I take her hand and try not to think about how sad I’m going to be when she leaves tomorrow. Instead, I do what I can to focus on the here and now as we toss our cover-ups aside, lie back, and soak in the blazing rays from above.
Molly takes my mind off the guy who’s at the back of the boat when she begins reminiscing, bringing up funny memories from our past. I can’t even count how many times we bust out laughing as we go on and on with, “Remember when,” stories. We stay on the bow because there are only two seats up here, preventing Kason from joining us. But when the heat becomes too much, and we’re sweaty and dehydrated, Molly heads to the stern to grab us some drinks from the ice chest.
“Molly, hop on,” Trent calls from the water, and I see the excitement in her eyes, I take the bottle of water from her, saying, “Go.”
“You sure?”
“We came to have fun. So, go have fun. I’ll be fine.”
Her laughter fills the space around us as Trent throttles hard across the water with her arms wrapped around his waist. I guzzle the water before Kason’s shadow casts over me.
He takes the seat next to me, vanquishing the levity Molly was able to throw my way. I attempt a smile, but it doesn’t fool him.
“What’s going on?”
“What do you mean?”
He leans forward with his elbows braced on his knees. “You won’t even look at me, Adaline.”
“I’m just hanging out with Molly.” I sound like a total brat, and I hate that, but I don’t know how to talk to him right now. I’m still so irritated. The mental images that won’t leave me alone are stomach churning.
He huffs in defeat before standing and going back to the cockpit with Micah without saying another word. Guilt needles on my nerves, and I silently chastise myself for acting this way. But how am I supposed to act?
Frustration brims, and I grab Molly’s phone and earbuds out of the small beach bag we brought and tune out everything around me when I open her music folder and spike the volume.
Deep into one of her playlists, I startle when a hand lands on my arm.
I yank out my earphones and look at Kason as he clips, “Come on.”
“What are you doing?”
“Just come with me.”
Even though I don’t want to, I let him pull me up, and I see Trent and Molly are back from their ride. Looking over at Micah, he nods his head toward the jet ski, encouraging me to go with Kason.
Clearly, Kason mentioned my pissy mood to Micah.
“We’ll be back later,” Kason tells him as he holds my hand and leads me to the stern of the boat.
Kason gets on the jet ski first, and Molly whispers, “Be honest with him,” before he reaches out his hand and helps me onto the back.
The minute my arms are secured around him, he cranks the throttle, and I hang on as we fly across the glassy water. My heart grows heavy having him so close to me. It’s a conflict of emotions battling inside, and I wish knowing this about him didn’t affect me as much as what it is, because I love him. I press my cheek to his smooth back, and he takes one of his hands to hold on to mine that are clenched to his chest.
We ride for a long time before he kills the motor, hops off, and drags the jet ski onto the sandy shore of a tiny island.
“Where are we?”
He ignores my question as he steps back from the water and sits in the sand. Squinting against the hard sun, he looks at me and says, “Don’t lie to me and tell me everything’s okay when I ask you what’s wrong.”
I go sit next to him.
“Have I done something to upset you? Because you were fine last night.”
I pull my knees to my chest and look down as I sink my toes into the sand.
“Adaline, just talk to me.”
I’m struggling in my head with what to say. I grasp on to a word, but it fails me before I can even utter it. So when I turn to him, I take Molly’s advice and speak honestly, saying, “Molly overheard a couple girls talking really bad about me and you last night.”
“What did they say?”
I shake my head, not wanting to say the words aloud.
“Who was talking about us?”
“A girl named Katy,” I tell him and then watch his eyes to see his reaction. When they drop away from me, it feels like a boulder landing on my chest. “She said the two of you slept together. Is that true?” I hate how weak my voice sounds.
He hangs his head for a moment before admitting, “Yeah.”
His arm wraps around my shoulders, and I tense against his touch.
“Adaline . . .”
“When?”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Just tell me when.”
He takes a pause, and it’s evident that he doesn’t want to talk about this, but I do, so I push again and he reveals, “Sophomore year.”
My eyes widen. “Sophomore year? When you were sixteen?”
He doesn’t say anything.
“Was she your first?”
He still doesn’t speak, and my stomach knots. I shrug his arm off my shoulders and ask again, “Was she your first?”
Finally, he gives me a cowardly headshake, and I can’t even look at him. Dropping my head to my knees, I take in a long deep breath to keep myself from crying, but God this hurts.
“Adaline, please. I don’t want this to upset you.”
“How many girls have you had sex with?”
“I don’t want this to be something you’re thinking about.”
“How many?”
“What does it matter? It isn’t something that can be changed.”
“Because it matters.” My voice pitches and cracks. “Because you say you love me, and I thought that meant something, and now I just feel stupid.”
“God, babe, don’t feel that way. You’re the only one who has those words from me, and that’s the honest truth.”
“So, you didn’t love them, but you slept with them?”
“Please, I don’t want you worrying about this.”
And then it happens, a tear slips and falls down my cheek. “What are you even doing with me? Because if that’s what you want, you’re with the wrong girl. I’m not like that.”
“You are exactly what I want,” he insists. “I swear to you, you are all that matters to me, and when I tell you that I love you, I mean it. You are the only one I’ve felt this way about.” He takes my hand and holds it firmly in his. “I never had any interest in having a relationship with anyone until you came along. And if that makes me an asshole, then fine. I was an ass to use them. But none of them matter to me, only you. You’re the only one I care about, and I don’t want to hurt you with the things I did before I met you.”
“They’re calling me a slut for being with you.”
His jaw clenches when I tell him this. “They’re jealous. That’s all that it is.”
“It doesn’t feel good. Aside from you, Micah, and Trent, I have no friends here. None of the girls will give me a chance, and now I find out that this is what they’re saying about me behind my back. That I must be easy if you’re giving me attention.”
His hand comes to my cheek, and he catches another tear. “Fuck what they think about you. Katy and her friends are desperate for attention, and everyone knows that. They line the shore every time we hit the water. They’re bunnies, Adaline. That’s all they are and no one takes them seriously.”
With my hips in his hands, he pulls me over the top of his lap so my legs are straddling him. Banding his arms around my waist, I hold on to his shoulders as he looks at me. “You’re the only person I’ve ever felt safe enough with to open up to. You’re the only one who’s seen where I live and who’s met my mom.” His lips press to mine, and I melt against him. “I don’t ever want you to feel insecure with me, because you are exactly what I want. Because when you touch me, it means so much more than what anyone else could ever give me. I love that you’re untouched and that you value yourself.”
His words make me blush, but he doesn’t let me shy away when he cups his hands along my face, forcing me to look at him.
“I love you, Adaline. I swear to God, I do.”
His eyes are more sincere than what I’ve ever seen them before. “I’m sorry,” I tell him, dropping my head against his.
“Don’t ever be sorry with me, babe. If something’s bothering you, I want you to come to me.”
“I don’t want you to think that I ever truly doubted your love for me,” I tell him. “It’s just hard to know that there are girls that have more of you than what I have.”
“They don’t.” He then takes my hand and presses it against the bare skin of his chest. His heart beats into my palm. “You have so much more.”