My mother’s eyes overflow with somberness when she walks into my bedroom and hands Kason a few more folded down boxes. I watch her from over my shoulder as I grab an armful of clothes from inside my closet. She takes a slow scan of the room, which is already halfway packed, and turns her head to me. A tear wells up and spills down her face.
“Mom . . .”
“This is too hard to watch,” she murmurs before walking out of the room.
I take my clothes and lay them on the bed next to where Kason is unfolding the boxes and taping the bottoms shut.
“She’s acting like I’m moving to the other side of the world.”
“I think this is a lot of change for her all at once,” he says, and when I eye him suspiciously, he reveals, “It might have come up during lunch the other day.”
“I don’t know how I feel about you two working together.” I snicker as I drop a stack of clothes into one of the boxes. “What else is she saying about me?”
“It isn’t like we sit around and talk about you. It was lunch. She was asking questions about the semester starting and happened to mention how she felt.”
“Did you tell her to relax a bit? That I’m only going to be a thirty-minute drive away?”
“She’s my boss.” He chuckles while putting together another box. “I’m not about to tell her shit like that.”
I go back into my closet to grab more clothes, amazed by how quickly time has passed. After our senior trip, graduation came and went all too fast. Before I knew it, we were getting our diplomas and heading into our last summer before college starts. With Kason now working full-time for my mother, I wound up spending most of the days with Micah and Trent.
In between, I made sure to stop by and visit with Sharon. The doctors say that her liver is failing her, but she seems to be doing better. I admire Kason for taking care of her and making sure she’s getting to all of her doctor appointments. I know it takes a toll on him.
Molly never came out this summer, but that didn’t come as a surprise. We’ve sort of grown apart. Maybe that’s what distance does to a relationship, or maybe it’s the fact that I’ve changed. I’m not the same girl I was when I was living back in Texas. It always used to be the two of us and boys were in the background. That isn’t the case anymore. I’m happily lost in love with Kason while Molly is doing her thing, having fun with all of her girlfriends. Last I heard, she got accepted to Baylor University.
And now here I am, packing my room and getting ready to move into the dorms that my mother insisted I stay in. She wanted me to get the “full college experience,” which she even said using obnoxious air quotes. I would think that since moving out was all her idea, she wouldn’t be quite so upset about my no longer living here, but that clearly isn’t the case. Truthfully, it makes me sad, too. I don’t like the thought of her coming home to an empty house every night. A big chunk of my heart worries that she’s going to get lonely.
I asked her a couple months ago if she was ever going to start dating, but she laughed it off.
“I don’t have time to date,” she told me.
I hate that she’s been alone for the last five years when my father has already moved on, remarried, and had a new baby. She deserves happiness and someone to love her. She deserves it more than my father.
I stop what I’m doing when I come across a stack of pictures that are tucked in the back of one of my dresser drawers. I stare at the photos that I never reframed after they were shattered in the burglary last year.
At the top of the stack is me with that purple bow in my hair, sitting on my dad’s knee, and it makes my heart twinge to look at it. It’s been almost a year and a half since we last spoke. He never bothered to call or send a card when I graduated. He’s made no attempt to reach out at all. I think he’s officially given up on me and has moved on with his life with his new family.
Kason’s warm hands cover my shoulders when he steps behind me and looks at the picture I hold. My heart hangs heavily in my chest, the way it always does when I think about my dad, which is why I hid these photos in the first place.
Abandonment is a hurt that doesn’t go away easily.
“Do you think he still loves me?”
I set the pictures aside and turn to face Kason as I lean back against the dresser.
“It’s hard for me to believe that a person could find you unlovable.”
“It’s weird, you know? That so much time has passed. That I have a sister who I don’t even know.” I grip my hands on the edge of the dresser and hang my head.
“I know it’s not easy.” He runs his hands up the length of my arms to the sides of my neck where he cradles me. “One thing I’ve learned the hard way is that we only have so much say over our lives, and the rest is out of our control.”
“It’s hard to deal with. The fact that my whole world is changing so fast and he has no idea. He doesn’t know that I’m moving out, where I’m going to college, that I fell in love.”
“What if you reached out to him?”
I press my head to his chest, and he gathers me in his arms, my place of safety and comfort. “I can’t handle being rejected again.”
He plants a kiss to the top of my head and continues to hold me, and after a moment passes, I ask, “What about you? Have you ever thought about finding your dad?”
“No.”
“Does it bother you that you don’t know who he is?”
“In a way, yeah. I sometimes wonder how my life would’ve been different if he had been in the picture, but I try not to let my mind go there. It stirs up too much shit for me.”
I lift up on my toes and give him a kiss, and with all the changes taking place in our lives, I hang on to the anchor he provides me. He’s the constant I can depend on, and I don’t know what I would do without him.
“I don’t ever want to lose you.” The words spill out before I even think about speaking them aloud. “I’m sorry. That sounded really needy.”
“It’s okay to be needy. I need you, too,” he says, taking my face in his hands. “I don’t want to imagine a life without you.”
After a few more hours, most of my room is packed in boxes and loaded in the back of my mother’s SUV. She sheds tears, and Kason gives us the evening to ourselves. She calls in dinner, and we sit out by the pool. We eat and talk about school, Kason, life. When the moon meets its peak and I’m alone in bed in my half empty room, it finally hits me.
Nothing will ever be the same when I move out tomorrow.
I pick up my cell phone and call Kason.
“I’m not good with change.”
“You’re a pro at it,” he tells me.
“I still don’t like it.”
“You have nothing to worry about, babe. I’ll be right there with you.”
I spend the last night in my bed the way I’ve spent nearly every night—talking with my love until I fall asleep.
When morning comes, my mom follows me in her car as I drive over to the university. There’s an energy in the air when I step out of the car. Students scurry about after picking up their room assignments and keys. Once I’ve checked in at the resident advisor’s table, my mom and I begin unloading boxes.
“You girls need help?” a guy wearing a fraternity shirt asks when he approaches the SUV with a large dolly.
“Saved by the frat boy,” my mother says with a tinge of salaciousness.
There’s no controlling my eyes when they roll back. “Forgive her. Please.”
The guy laughs and holds out his hand. “I’m Liam.”
“Ady,” I introduce.
“Freshman?”
“Was my parental chaperone too much of a giveaway?”
“Pretty much,” he says lightly before reaching into the back of the SUV and grabbing a box. “Well, let’s get you moved in, Ady.”
He loads more boxes onto the dolly, and when I tell him my dorm number, he leads the way, asking, “You from around here?”
“Hyde Park.”
“South Tampa girl,” he exclaims. “Where did you graduate from?”
“South Shore High.”
“I was a Tampa Prep brat, myself. Don’t hold it against me,” he jokes before we round the corner. “Here we are. Home sweet home.”
I unlock the door to find that half the room has already been moved in to.
My mother drops her purse onto the empty twin bed, and a part of me already misses home.
Liam unloads the boxes and stacks them along the wall near the window as I take in the small room.
“Why the long face, dear?”
I give my mother a shrug. “You know . . . change.”
“That about does it,” Liam announces as he stacks the last box.
“Thank you. You saved us a lot of time and sweat,” my mom says.
“Not a problem.” He then turns to me. “So, Ady. You plan on rushing?”
“Rushing?”
“Greek life.”
“Oh,” I stammer with a shake of my head. “I wasn’t planning on it.”
“You’re missing out. It’s legacy night tonight for all the chapters. You should stop by.”
“I’m not a legacy.”
He shoots a wink with a sly, “Lucky for you, I’m good at keeping secrets.”
He grabs the dolly and heads out. “I’m a Kappa Sig, by the way,” he adds, and when I shut the door behind him, I turn to my mom with my jaw nearly on the floor. “Oh my god! Was he flirting with me?”
“What I wouldn’t give to go back in time to my freshman year.”
“Seriously, Mom?”
“I’m just saying.” She walks over and opens the first box. “These years are going to be some of the best years of your life.”
We start unpacking and putting my side of the room together. Once the bed is made, pictures of Kason and I are hung above the built-in desk, and my clothes are put away in the closet, the door opens.
“Aaaah!” a perky redhead squeals as she bounces on her feet with her arms outstretched. “I was wondering when my roomie would get here.” She gives me an equally bouncy hug, making me laugh out at her enthusiasm. When she pulls away, she says with a big smile, “I’m Lana.”
“Ady. And this my mom, Cheryl.”
“Nice to meet you, Lana.”
From over Lana’s shoulder, I see Kason step into the doorway. “You’re here!” I run and leap into his arms.
“Took me forever to find a parking spot. This place is crazy.”
“Well, now that I’m outnumbered, I’ll take that as my cue to leave.”
“Mom, you don’t have to go.”
She picks up her purse and, with a forced smile I see right through, she walks over to me and gives me a hug. “It’s okay. I’ll get out of your hair and let you settle in.”
Her eyes begin to water, and she quickly slips her sunglasses on.
“Mom.”
“Remember, you’re my favorite,” she says tenderly before feigning a shred of sass when she adds, “Don’t you dare forget about me.”
“You’re insane, you know that?”
She gives my forehead a peck and, with fake composure, turns to Kason, saying, “I’ll see you in the office tomorrow.”
“Yes, boss,” he says teasingly, which cracks a tiny smile on her lips before she ducks her head and walks out.
“So,” Lana says, dragging out the word. “Who’s this?”
“Oh, sorry. This is my boyfriend, Kason. Kason, this is Lana, my roommate.”
The two of them shake hands. “Have you moved in yet?”
“I live off campus,” he tells her.
“Nice!” she says as she walks over to her bed, which is covered in bright, colorful pillows that are about as vibrant as she is. “Are you coming out with us tonight?”
Kason raises his brows at me, and I shrug.
“It’s legacy night, and I so happen to be a Chi-O legacy! Since you’re my roommate, it’s practically a requirement that we go to our first party together.”
“I’m out on this one,” Kason tells her before turning to me. “You heard your mom. I have to be in the office early in the morning to sit in on a strategy meeting.”
“Maybe next time,” I tell Lana.
“Uh-uh. No way. You’re totally going.”
“She’s right. You should go out and have fun.”
“See! Even your boyfriend agrees.”
“Are you sure?” I ask Kason, and he nods.
“Perfect!” Lana announces. “Now that we’ve settled that, what do you say we grab some lunch? I’m starved.”
The three of us head over to the Student Center and grab a few sandwiches. As we eat, Lana tells us all about Sarasota, which is where she was born and raised, and that she’s the oldest of four sisters. She talks about her family, and the more I get to know her, the more I like her. It’s been too long since I’ve had another girl to hang out with that didn’t have some sort of jealousy and dislike for me. But we’re not in high school anymore. Right now, it’s just Kason, Lana, and me—no labels.
I turn to Kason and give his leg a squeeze from under the table. He’s being his usual quiet self whenever he’s around someone new. The same way he used to be with me in the beginning. Not quick to open himself up to anyone, he sits back and lets Lana and I talk and get to know each other.
After lunch, we walk through campus back toward the dorms, and I can tell by the death grip Kason has around my hand that he’s in need of some alone time. With no more privacy with my new living situation, I tell Lana that I’ll catch up with her later.
“Eight o’clock,” she says. “You’ll have to help me pick out the perfect outfit.”
“Eight o’clock,” I confirm before Kason and I head to his car to go back to his apartment, knowing his mom will be at work for the next few hours.
For the most part, sex with Kason has come effortlessly, although there are still times when he is so stuck in his own head that he can’t get an erection. I don’t take it personally anymore, understanding now that it has nothing to do with me. On the flip side, I know it still really affects him, and for that, I do my best to be supportive.
I try to always make myself available to him, but there have been times when it’s become too painful for me to have sex because of how often we’re intimate. After we came back from the Bahamas, I was riding the high of finally being able to be that close with him that we’d find ourselves having sex multiple times a day, but it started to become too much. Knowing he craves it that often, I was scared to turn him away, so I stayed silent. That is, until we made love one time and he found streaks of blood on the sheets afterward.
I finally had to tell him about the amount of pain I was experiencing during sex and how sore I had become. He felt so much guilt and really beat himself up about it. I did everything I could to ease his worries.
From that moment on, he made me promise to communicate with him about how I’m feeling both physically and emotionally. So, when he slides the condom on and asks, “Do I need to use lube?” I tell him, “Yes.”
We make love, and he takes it slow to make it last as long as possible, but I know it isn’t enough, and I wind up giving him a blow job later before he drives me back to the dorms.
“Call me if you need me, okay?”
“I will,” I assure.
“I’m serious. If you’re ready to leave and she doesn’t want to, call me and I’ll drive you back to the dorms. I don’t want you walking around by yourself.”
With one last kiss, I tell him, “I promise,” before hopping out of his car.