It’s the middle of winter and I’m in my bikini, drinking the warmth of the sun. It’s New Year’s Eve as I lie face down on my beach towel in the sand. Salt clings to my skin, and a bead of sweat trickles down my neck as I listen to the waves bend and fold against the shore. My love’s laughter can be heard in the distance, making my heart flutter.
Our final semester of high school is about to begin. The days seem to slip by faster and faster, but I cling to them, needing time to slow, because it’s days like this that I wish would last forever.
I turn my head toward the water and squint my eyes open in time to see Kason release his board, jump on, and glide effortlessly across the water before kicking it into a spin beneath his feet. Micah and Brogan shout their enthusiasm while a few more of their friends are out in the water. I peer up and see Trent down a ways, talking to some girl, but I’m distracted when a bead of cold water lands on my back.
Kason stands over me for a second before dropping to his knees, winded. “Did you doze off?”
“For a little bit.”
He reaches over to my bag, grabs the sunblock spray, and reapplies it all over my shoulders and back. “You’re pink.”
I sit up and smile at his beautiful face, pushing my fingers through his wet hair. It’s unreal how, by simply being near him, butterflies take flight within my stomach. He hands the bottle to me so I can spray him as well, but a second later, I catch the girl Trent was talking to slapping him across his face.
“Dude,” Kason chuckles as Trent jogs back our way.
“What was that all about?”
“I didn’t know we had already met, but according to her, we hooked up last year,” he says as he flops down on my towel next to me.
“You were hitting on her as if you’d never met?”
“How am I supposed to remember every single person who crosses my path?”
Kason laughs at him, and I scold, “She didn’t just cross your path, Trent. You hooked up with her.”
“Your point?”
Micah joins us. “Why are you all sitting up here like buoys?”
“Taking a breather,” Kason tells him.
“Throw me a water, Guppy.”
I do, and he sits with us, downing the water in a couple gulps before twisting on the lid and tossing it into my open bag. “I can’t wait to be in Miami next year. I’m sick of these weak-ass waves.”
“You got in?”
“Not yet,” he tells me. “But I don’t see why I wouldn’t.”
College applications have all been sent, and now we’re waiting to see where each of us are going to be next year. So far, Kason has been accepted into three colleges here in Florida, all with scholarship offers, but he’s yet to tell me which one he’s going to accept.
“What about you, Trent?” I ask.
“Honestly, I can’t even think about college.”
“Have you even applied anywhere?” Kason questions.
“Nah, man. What about you? Where are you going?”
Kason’s arms wrap around me as I lean back against his chest. “Looking at all my options, I’m thinking staying here in Tampa and going to USF is probably my best bet.”
I tilt my head back against him. “So, you’re going to stay?”
“Compared to the other schools, it’s the cheapest tuition, and they’re offering me the most money, so yeah. I mean, I’d love to go to Miami, but . . .”
“What about you, Guppy? You coming to Miami with me?”
“I was kind of thinking USF, too.”
Micah slicks his fingers through his long blond hair. “You guys are dopes, man.”
“I don’t want to be too far from my mom,” I lie, and they all know it.
“It’s a five-hour drive,” he defends before Kason drops his head to the side of my face, muttering into my ear, “You never told me you were considering USF.”
“There’s nothing to even consider if it’s where you’re going to be.”
He doesn’t say anything in response while Micah does his best to convince Trent to get off his ass and apply to the University of Miami. I expected Kason to be happy to know that I have no plans to go away to college, but his silence has me a little uneasy.
The sky has begun to darken by the time I grab my towel and bag and head over to the beach showers with Kason. I should have left him out by the water, because the boy can’t keep his hands off me as we wash away the salt and sand. He tugs on one of the strings to my bikini, and I laugh, swatting him away. His playfulness eases my worry about the whole college talk from earlier.
Once we’re rinsed off, we head to my car to put everything in the trunk. As he holds a towel up to cover me while I change out of my bathing suit and into some dry clothes, he wears a lustful smile.
“Stop,” I warn with a facetious smile as I shimmy out of my bottoms and kick them aside.
“Let’s ditch everyone and go to my place.”
I slip my panties on and step into my shorts. “I want to watch the fireworks.”
“We can watch them next year.”
When my top is on, and I’m fully clothed, I snatch the towel out of his hand and toss it into my trunk. Kason turns me in his arms and pins me against the car. He runs his nose along the length of my neck. “I love the way you smell.” I shiver, and he chuckles before kissing me behind my ear.
After everyone finally gets out of the water, we head over to Frenchy’s, which sits right on the beach, for dinner. I can tell Kason is over being with the group, so I don’t protest when we finish our food and he pulls me away. With my hand in his, we walk in the dark down to the shore and sit.
The water is black ink, rippled in silver from the moon above as it ebbs and flows. A small group of people to our left light a firework, which soars right above us. It pops into a thousand shimmers of blue, mirroring off the water below.
I smile and lie back with Kason, excited to be spending New Year’s Eve with him.
“Do they do this all night long?”
“Yeah. More people will come out the later it gets.”
Nestling my head on his shoulder, I watch as the sky illuminates in purple fractals. A few people clap in the distance.
“Fireworks are illegal back home,” I tell him. “I’ve never been this close to them before.”
Kason stares into the sky, and I watch his face light up in different colors with each explosion above. I could stare at him forever and never tire of the fluttering in my chest.
“I need to ask you something,” he says. “Earlier when you mentioned going to USF, I need to know that you’re not just going there for me.”
“Why?”
He exhales a slow breath before turning toward me. “Because I don’t want to be the reason you hold yourself back.”
“You don’t know, do you?”
“Know what?”
“How much I love you,” I tell him, slipping my hand around the back of his neck.
“It couldn’t possibly be as much as the love I have for you, which is why I need you to make this decision for yourself and not me.”
“Because you’re worried that if I stay here with you, I’ll regret it?”
He nods and another spray of shimmering light bursts from up above, staining us in brilliancy.
“The only thing I’d regret more would be walking away from you.”
“Why does it feel like I have nothing to offer you?”
I shake my head and deny his words with whispered fervency, assuring, “You give me everything,” and then pull his lips to mine in an open kiss, hoping my truth spills into his mouth so that he won’t have to second guess anything when it comes to the two of us.
He kisses me in a hundred ways, stealing the breath from my lungs. Each passing minute does nothing but solidify that he’s what I want in my future, because when I close my eyes, it’s him I see.
How could I possibly love anyone more?
No one else exists in this moment as my heart surges, and all I can think about is how badly I want to show him just how special he is to me.
Breathless, I beg, “Take me to my place.”
He grabs my hand when he helps me to my feet and doesn’t let go until we’re back at my house and he has me in my bed. His lips cover me entirely, leaving no spot unkissed until he has me naked. He holds me in his arms, and when I reach down and pop the button on his pants, he grabs my wrist.
I look into his eyes, knowing he’s all I will ever want. “I don’t want to stop tonight.”
“Are you sure?”
“There’s nothing I could give that would ever be wasted on you.”
I reach to tug his pants, and he’s quick to pull them off. For the first time since I fell in love with him eight months ago, there isn’t a single part of me that wants to tell him to stop.
Kason rolls on top of me and takes his time as he drags his mouth from my lips to my breasts. I close my eyes as he suckles and kisses, his tongue melting against my soft skin. As we move in this new way, working toward something we’ve both wanted for so long, I feel my heart beginning to falter in rhythm.
There’s no doubt inside me, because tonight, I’m right where I want to be, safe and covered in his touch. A touch that loves and heals, and I know it’s him that will be the one to forever hold my heart.
“God, baby, I love you so much,” he breathes between my legs, and my vision blurs as I reach down and hold on to his head. Time spins into negative space, and when sweat beads from behind my knees and my flesh becomes too tender, I pull him back up to me.
His mouth falls to mine, and I bow into him when I taste myself on his tongue. It’s beyond intimate to be this close, but I crave more.
I slip my hand between our bodies, and I’m surprised to find that he isn’t hard yet. He shoves my hand away, and begins stroking himself while continuing to kiss me. The feel of his hand as it brushes back and forth against me is electrifying. I’m so lost in the moment, I grow eager. My hands press against his back, but he breaks away from my mouth in frustration.
“What’s wrong?”
His eyes clench shut, and his sweaty forehead presses against mine as he jerks himself off more aggressively. His other hand slips between my legs, but as good as it feels, I don’t give in as I watch him in utter dismay.
His body goes rigid on top of mine.
“Kason, stop.” I push against his hand, and when he stops touching me, he sits back on his heels and lets go of himself, still soft.
“Fuck,” he strangles harshly under his breath, dropping his head into his palms in a storm of aggravation before getting off the bed.
I watch, mortified that I couldn’t even turn him on enough to have sex with me, and fight not to cry. Covering my body with the sheets, I want to die of humiliation as he throws on his clothes.
My god, he won’t even look at me.
“I can’t do this,” is all that’s left of this night as he rushes out of my room without a single look my way.
The second I hear the front door slam, hot tears stream down my cheeks, and I curl into myself. Confused and hurt, I can’t believe I misjudged him so much. Never did I think he could treat me so badly when I was about to give him everything. I swear it feels like he ripped a canyon in my heart as I fall against my pillow, naked with tremendous insecurity coming at me from all angles.
If he says I’m the only one he’s ever loved, then what is it about me that just sent him running?
I feel so stupid.
What just happened?
How could he leave me like that? So cold and mean?
How did this night turn from something so beautiful into this? Whatever feelings I have for him are suffocated under the unbounding embarrassment of being naïve enough to actually believe he wanted this when it is so clear he doesn’t.
He just gashed the heart I trusted him to take care of, and the pain only becomes worse as hours pass, one by one, slipping me into the new year without a single text or call. And for the first time in a long time, I feel completely unwanted.