I’m filled with jitters as I get into my car and head to school. After Kason and I left the beach on Saturday, we went back to his place so he could check on his mom. She was already asleep, so we spent the rest of the evening in his bed, unwilling to leave the comfort of being back in each other’s arms.
When he drove me home, I had to swallow back my sadness. A neediness I’m not used to occupied my entire being, and I just wanted to stay with him. We spent the entire night on the phone with each other, the same way we used to when we first started dating nearly a year ago.
As soon as the sun peeked out from the horizon the following morning, Kason was knocking on my door. Dead tired from having no sleep, we went from the couch, to the pool, to the hammock, kissing and napping and cuddling all throughout the day.
If only I could put into words how it feels to be loved by Kason. I’ve tried, but I have failed every time. I swear the boy breathes and galaxies appear. We soar past gravity’s heavy blanket, up so high to places unexplored, and it’s there that we become untouchable, unapproachable, and in a way, unnatural. It’s there that we have our love, which isn’t anyone else’s to try to dissect or understand.
But they will.
At least they’ll try to.
I felt a sense of obligation to at least call Micah and tell him that Kason and I are back together, but I chickened out. He’s been there for me ever since my world came crashing down, offering his shoulder for me to cry on too many times to count. Their friendship took a hard blow in the wake of devastation. Micah hasn’t been too kind with his words when it comes to Kason, and now that we’ve found our way back together, I regret ever telling Micah what Kason did.
I pull into the school’s parking lot and find Kason leaning against his car waiting for me. Even something as simple as parking back in my old spot weighs on my conscience.
But worry dissolves when he slips his fingers between mine and holds my hand. He kisses me for all to see before walking into the building. It’s a relief to have all my missing pieces back together and no longer having to wander aimlessly through the depths of despair. But relief is short lived when I hear his voice calling from down the hall.
“Adaline!”
In a split second, it becomes harder to breathe as Micah weaves through the students enough to see my hand holding Kason’s. His face drops, and my heartbeat slows.
“What’s going on?” he questions accusingly. “You’re not back with him, are you?”
I nervously bite the inside of my cheek, and his brows furrow in the judgment I expected would come when he found out.
“You’re kidding me, Ady. After what this asshole did . . . you couldn’t possibly be that stupid to give him another chance.”
“What the fuck, man?” Kason snaps, not liking the fact that Micah is raising his voice at me.
“Do you even have a clue how fucked up she was?”
“Micah, stop,” I warn.
“I get that you’re pissed at me,” Kason tells him. “And you have every right to be. So does Adaline. But you don’t need to come down on her like that.”
I turn to Kason. “Give me one second, okay?”
He nods, and Micah follows me when I step over against the lockers out of Kason’s earshot.
“What the hell did he say to you?” Micah bites under his breath.
“He just explained things. He feels terrible about what he did.”
“So, it was that easy? You just forgave him?”
“No, it wasn’t just that easy. But people make mistakes, Micah.”
He glares over to Kason before turning back to me. “That guy’s a dick.”
“What he did was horrendous. We all know that, even him. But I made the choice to forgive him. I’m not saying you need to do the same thing, but you guys used to be good friends. You should at least try to put this behind you. For me?”
He shakes his head and sighs in frustration.
“I mean, if I can forgive him—”
“Yeah, okay,” he clips. “But only for your sake.”
I try to ease the tension when I shoot him a smile, but he doesn’t seem amused.
“I’ll catch you in third period,” he balks before walking away, but he at least acknowledges Kason’s presence with a nod when he passes by.
By the time third period comes and goes, I realize that things may never go back to what used to be between our little group. Micah puts forth the effort to appease me as the both of us return to our old seats next to Kason, but the two of them don’t speak. When sixth period hits, I’m over being the center of the senior class’s headline news of the day. And now I have to deal with Katy’s snide remarks. Aside from Micah, nobody—not even Trent—knows what happened between me and Kason, which is a blessing because the last thing Katy needs is that ammo of information to rub in my face. All anyone knows is that we were a couple, then we weren’t, and now we are again.
The bell couldn’t come fast enough, but by the time I make it to my car, Kason has already left. My stomach sinks a little now that I know the reason why he’s always running out of school so fast at the end of the day. We haven’t spoken about any of that stuff since the night I showed him that website, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about it. That fact that he’s speeding off because of his compulsive need to get off bothers me. In a weird way, it feels like a rejection of sorts. The fact that he chose to run off instead of coming to me, knowing my mom is at work and we’d have the house to ourselves.
I try not to let it get to me as I head home. I busy myself with homework while Kason’s at work, but surprise lifts the burden of waiting when my mom comes home early.
“Well, that’s over with,” she exhausts when she sets her briefcase on the kitchen counter.
“What are you talking about?”
“Today was sentencing for the Mckenna case. Of course, he’s exercising his right to an appeal, so technically is not officially over, but no judge in his right mind is going to reconsider this case.”
“So, what’s the going rate for a convicted killer? How many years did he get?”
“Life without the possibility of parole.” She pulls out her pearl earrings and kicks off her heels, still frustrated that she lost the case. “What do you say we go out to dinner tonight?”
“Kason’s coming over.”
“Then we’ll drag him along with us.” She smiles and leans against the center island. “So . . .” she starts, dragging out the word, and I’m already rolling my eyes at her incessant need to dig for information. “You two seemed happy this weekend.”
“Your point?”
“I take it you guys worked things out . . . whatever those things were that you refuse to tell your one and only mother.”
I hop off the barstool and open the fridge. “You don’t need to know everything, Mom.” I pull out a soda and pop the tab.
“Is this how it’s going to be? You’re getting older and no longer need me?”
“Pity party much,” I tease. “And I never said I didn’t need you, but I’m almost eighteen. I’m not a little kid anymore.”
“I hate that, you know? I swear it feels like yesterday that I was still packing your lunch and putting your hair in pigtails.”
The doorbell sounds, and I glance at the clock and smile. I’m saved by Kason.
“Thank god you’re here,” I exaggerate when I open the door. “My mother’s not coping well with my excessive aging.”
“Forgive me for wanting to keep you mine for a little bit longer.” Her voice billows from the kitchen, which causes Kason to chuckle under his breath.
“What did I miss?” he questions as he looks to her from over my shoulder.
“My baby is about to turn eighteen.”
“Don’t get her started,” I tell him before kissing his beautiful smile.
With her heels back on, she grabs her purse and walks over to us. “You hungry, Kason?”
“Starved.”
The three of us head out to the garage, and Kason and my mom slip right back into the comfortable bond they’ve always shared, as if no time has passed at all. I hop into the back seat of the SUV so that Kason can sit in the front with her.
“What are you in the mood for?”
“Well, this goes against your usual fancy choices, but I could go for a burger after working in the sun all afternoon.”
“You’re speaking my language today, Kason. After the day I had, that sounds perfect.”
We head over to BurgerFi where we sit outside and eat burgers and a big basket of cry fries. The sun begins to set, taking the temperature down with it, and I sit back to enjoy the heat’s remission.
“Kason, I never heard if you’ve made your decision of which college you’re going to,” my mother says.
The day I found out that Kason was choosing USF was the same night we started to fall apart, so I never got around to mentioning it. And I’ve been giving her the runaround every time she asks if I’ve made my choice yet. There was never any question that I would follow Kason, but when we broke up, everything went right back into undecided territory.
“USF,” he tells her. “But I wanted to talk to you about that.”
She sets her iced tea on the table and gives him her full attention.
“I’ve been going over different degree paths and find myself gravitating toward pre-law and wanted your opinion.”
“Well, if you’re interested in going to law school, I wouldn’t suggest a pre-law path. When it comes time to apply to law schools, as surprising as it sounds, they tend to look down on pre-law majors because it isn’t a rigorous undergrad degree,” she tells him before explaining, “What they’re looking for are students with a serious degree that requires a lot of discipline, coupled with a high GPA to prove you have what it takes to apply yourself in law school. So, certainly, stay away from anything arts and humanities.”
I sip my iced tea as they continue to talk about different degree options and the areas of law he’s interested in. It impresses me that Kason already has ideas and goals for what he wants out of life, especially since I’m clueless as to what I want to do. It’s clear my mother is impressed as well when she offers, “If you want, I can make a few calls and see what I can do about getting you into a position that will allow you some firsthand experience with the legal system and how it all works behind the scenes.”
“You mean a job?”
“Wouldn’t pay much in the beginning, but it might help you decide if this is a career path you want to go down.”
His brows lift in gratitude. “You’d do that for me?”
“Under one condition.”
“Anything.”
“You convince my daughter that college is more than sororities and football games.”
“Mom!”
Kason reaches over, squeezes my knee, and gives me an endearing smile. “I’ll work on her.”
After we’re home from dinner, my mom calls it an early night while Kason and I crawl into the hammock underneath the stars. I tangle my legs with his and use his shoulder as a pillow. Comfort never felt as good as what it does with him.
“I’ve missed this,” I murmur as I drape my arm across his middle, relaxing fully against him.
His fingers comb through my hair, and my eyes fall shut. As we sway back and forth under the glow of the full moon, my mind drifts back to earlier today. It’s hard knowing that the reason behind Kason cheating on me is something that will forever stay between the two of us. What’s even harder is that Micah won’t ever understand the reasons behind why his friend behaved so badly. It’s the invisible wedge that will always be lodged between us and them.
But a part of that wedge separates Kason and I, too.
One thing I need to help rebuild my trust in him is to have complete transparency. It wouldn’t be honest to say that it didn’t bother me when he rushed out of school today. The situation is delicate, and I know I run the risk of upsetting him or embarrassing him, but I need us to be different from what we were before so we don’t wind up in the same situation.
With a deep breath in, willing courage to speak, I open my eyes and scoot up to rest my head next to his. His breath sweeps across my face so sweetly as we lie face to face, and when he tucks a lock of my hair behind my ear, I force myself to open up to him so that hopefully he will open up to me.
“There’s something I want to talk to you about.”
He slowly runs his fingers along the tender skin behind my ear and down my neck. “What is it?”
“I wouldn’t bring it up, but . . . I want us to be honest with each other.”
His lips brush against mine before he plants a soft kiss on them. “You can tell me anything, babe.”
I take a moment before I speak. “Today when you left school in a hurry . . . you told me why, but . . .” I pause in the awkwardness, not used to talking about something as sensitive as this.
“But what?”
Tucking my chin down slightly to avoid eye contact, I admit, “It made me feel like you didn’t want me.”
He releases a pained breath at the same time he pulls me into his arms.
“I don’t want to make a big deal about it. I just don’t understand why you couldn’t come to me.”
He leans back with burdened eyes when he confesses, “Because I never want to use you like that.”
“You’re not using me, Kason. I love you. And if it’s something you need, I want to be the one you come to.”
I run my hand along his jaw to find it’s clenched down, and when it eventually relaxes under my touch, his voice breaks. “It’s not that easy for me. I’ve always been alone in this.”
I press my lips to his in a gentle kiss. “But you’re not alone anymore.”
His expression bears an unspoken need for security, and I give it to him willingly, asserting, “I love you. Every piece of you. Even the ones you hate.” I kiss him again. “I don’t ever want you to feel alone. But I don’t want to feel alone, either. I want you to want me.”
“God, babe, I do. And I’m sorry I didn’t come to you when I should have today, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t want you.” He takes in an uneven breath. “It’s hard not to want to hide this from you because it’s embarrassing. It makes me feel really weak.”
“If you’re worried about that, don’t be. That isn’t how I see you at all.”
Taking my face in his hands, emotion ridden and fervent, he kisses me. It’s open and deep as he spills his love into my mouth, allowing me to taste his vulnerability. We continue to move, hands exploring intimately as we silently plead for closeness. But it’s far beyond my skin that I need him to touch. It’s what lies beneath. It’s the part of me that only he can reach. And when our hands find their way down each other’s pants, my breath catches, and I swear it’s my soul he’s touching.