I often see myself in colors. It’s a conscious choice I make. Looking at myself in this simplistic way makes it easier to get through the days. Cuts down on the questions. Narrows the dimensions. I don’t have to dissect what I feel or the reasons why. I don’t have to delve into my past to pinpoint an instance that has ingrained triggers inside me. For the most part, I’m merely blue or gray or purple—a stained bruise in its various stage of life.
I’m simply a color, no longer an equation for which there is no answer.
It wasn’t until a year ago when I met Adaline that I started to identify with different shades. I still see the markings of dankness, but they’re now intermingled with rays of brightness.
And today . . .
Today, I see hope in the color of amber.
Adaline and I never made it to dinner last night. We never made it out of this room—this bed.
There’s a slit between the drapes where a blade of morning sunlight slices through the room, highlighting a sliver of her soft face as she sleeps in my arms. I think about the only other time we shared a bed and the misery of having to lock myself away from her in the bathroom for hours. But last night was different. Finally, after us having to deal with all my bullshit, I was able to give her what she’s been patiently waiting for.
It’s hope . . .
Because she’s hope.
She understands me when I don’t even understand myself. She’s forgiving when I refuse to forgive the things I’ve done. And she gives me hope in the eye of hopelessness.
Being able to give myself to her and have her give herself to me is more than what I could imagine. Never in my life have I felt the way she made me feel last night. It was soul-consuming to be inside her as tears slipped down her face while she clung to me. Seeing her need me as much as I need her gives me even more certainty in us.
And I need that certainty, because there’s been so much unease inside me since we got back together, knowing how badly I broke her trust. On top of that, opening up to her about all the shit in my life, I often feel like our relationship is walking the thin line of a tightrope and any minute we’re going to slip. I wouldn’t blame her for faltering with all the baggage I come with when all I strive to be is the strong man she deserves. But it’s hard to feel strong when I’ve exposed so many of my weaknesses to her.
She’s taken everything with love and acceptance, and while I would never give her up, a part of me still feels undeserving.
As I push my fingers through her mussed up hair, her body stirs and she tangles her legs with mine. I shift in the bed when I feel the initial constricting of my dick as it begins to harden.
Bless the effects of alcohol, because I had absolutely no issues keeping myself hard last night. I was finally able to relax, and once we finished and I had more confidence on my side, we were able to go for a second time in the middle of the night. And now, I’m ready again even though there’s a morsel of hesitation when I think about how she’s going to react with my need for more.
She knows how much I get myself off every day, but now that we’ve crossed over into new territory with sex, it’s all I could do last night not to wake her up more than just that one time. And even after that, I hated that I had to sneak out of bed after she had fallen asleep to rub one out in the bathroom.
With her arm draped across my stomach, she runs her foot along my leg and giggles lightly under her breath when her knee grazes my hard-on.
“I thought you were sleeping.”
With the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen, she nuzzles into me.
“What’s so funny?”
She lowers her arm and runs her hand over my dick with a playful, “This.”
I grab her wrist with one hand and her hip with another as I pull her on top of me. “You shouldn’t laugh at that,” I tease, feigning seriousness.
Her smile fades into captivation, and when I reach up to hold her face in my hands, she asks so sweetly, “Can we lock ourselves away in here all day?”
Her request hits me like a drug blazing through my veins. Still naked, I lift off my back and gently suck her nipple into my mouth, feeling it harden against my tongue. Her arms circle tightly around my neck as she holds me against her chest.
Needy to be with her, I reach down to guide myself inside her at the same time I feel her body shift, wanting me to be on top. I wrap my free arm around her waist to keep her in place, saying, “I want you like this.”
She blushes innocently with uncertainty in her eyes before dipping her head down.
“What is it?”
With reluctance, she admits shyly, “I don’t know what I’m doing.”
I kiss her, which is a feeble attempt to soothe her insecurities, considering my body is straining for hers. “I’ll show you.” I breathe the words against her lips.
She parts her mouth from mine and stares into my eyes, speaking to me with words unsaid but felt within a mutual understanding of her self-consciousness. She has nothing to be unsure about because there’s nothing this girl could do that wouldn’t be perfection.
Scooting up, I lean my back against the headboard. When she timidly lifts on her knees, I slip myself between her lips, find her opening, and slowly lower her onto me. Breathless, her head falls into the crook of my neck, and she hugs me close. I have to take a second to keep myself from getting too worked up with how insanely good she feels, but when I can’t take her stillness for another second, I slide my hands around her hips and begin to guide her up and down. She’s tight around me, tugging me as I move her, and I force myself to make this slow so I don’t come too soon.
Her breathing picks up, heating my neck, and eventually turning into tiny ragged whimpers of pleasure. As times fades between us, she loosens her grip around me when she becomes more comfortable. She starts to move on her own, and it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen as I sit back and watch her. Everything about Adaline . . . each little piece from the inside out, has taken me wholly. I’ve never felt as much peace in my life as I do when I’m with her.
It’s a quietude that never leaves us as our week in paradise goes on. Our connection grows deeper and more powerful with each passing day as we savor this time together. But too soon, we’re forced to step onto the plane that will take us back to Tampa.
Amid the chaos of the seniors who are on our flight, we’re able to tune everyone out. With her tucked under my arm, she sneaks kisses whenever she can, giggling and cuddling against me. Everything feels different when we get off the plane, this week forever changing our trajectory as a couple, bonding us in a way I never could’ve predicted.
When we walk out of the airport, Cheryl is already there, waiting for us with a big smile. When Adaline exchanges my arms for her mother’s, I load our luggage into the back of the car.
We kept up on our promise to call her twice every day to remind her we were still alive and well. Adaline even called my mom a couple of times to tell her about all the fun things we were doing, which I thought was incredibly sweet.
Cheryl catches me a little off guard when I walk around the side of the car and she pulls me into the same motherly hug she gave Adaline. I hug her back, grateful that I have someone like her in my life that accepts me as unconditionally as her daughter does, to help fill in the gaps that are left behind by my own mother. My mom is a caring woman, but there’s always been distance between us.
“Did you have a good time?”
“The best,” I tell her before we all climb into the SUV. “I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you giving me that trip.”
She smiles as she pulls away from the curb. “I’m glad you had fun, but I have one more thing I think you’ll be excited about.”
I glance over in curiosity.
“I found out a few days ago, but I wanted to tell you in person.”
“You’re killing me here.”
She laughs and then tells me, “I got you an assistant job at the firm I work for.”
“Are you serious?”
“You’ll be assisting my senior legal analyst full-time this summer, and then I’ll drop you to part-time when fall semester begins. It doesn’t pay much, but I’m sure it’s more than you earn cleaning pools. At least this will give you a good idea if law is something you want to move forward with.”
I sit, speechless that she would arrange this job for me. Adaline leans forward and gives my arm an excited squeeze as I stare at her mother. “I don’t even know what to say.”
“If you’re good with me being your boss, all you have to say is yes, and the job is yours.”
“Yes,” I practically exclaim, blown away by the opportunity she’s giving me, which isn’t something I would’ve had if it weren’t for Cheryl. I always thought, even though I’ve worked my ass off to get into college, that most of my aspirations would wind up being nothing more than pipe dreams. But with everything lining up the way it has been, I’m starting to see even more glimmers of hope in the familiar color of amber that only Adaline can make me see when I turn my head and kiss her.