November
It has been more than a week since Halloween, since I made a carving board of my arms. Thank goodness, it is cold weather, so I have a reason to wear long-sleeved shirts to hide what I did to myself. Cutter is keeping his distance, he saw my arms and he is more than upset with me. I don’t even know why he bothers, in a year I will no longer be here or sooner. I told him he’d be better off if he would forget about me. He gave me some line about how he made a promise to me that he would put me back together again and that he is still waiting for me to see that he is good for me. I told him you can’t fix what wants to be left broken. Duct tape couldn’t fix me, and duct tape fixes everything.
The darkness has claimed me, and all will be right soon enough. I just need time to plan things out more effectively this time I haven’t spoken to another soul about what I witnessed that night in my apartment. It wasn’t like a ghost either. It was like a walking corpse. I don’t believe in zombies, but if they are real that’s what I saw that night—the walking dead.
I especially won’t tell my doctor, he would commit me, and I can’t go back there. If I do, I may never leave. I won’t die in that horrible place.
I never again want to hear the screams of terror in the night of the institution. You could smell the hurt and the fear with every breath. There is a sinister feel to that hospital. I am beginning to wonder if all this time if it hasn’t been death stalking me—waiting to stake his claim on me. Maybe it hasn’t been Harlan at all. Maybe he has truly passed on to the other side without me. What if it is the devil coming for me, to make me pay for my sins? For the first time in my life, I am scared of what is next.
I wish I could find a medium. There was an older lady who used to come to see my Gram a lot when I was younger. They have said she could connect with the spirits. I would be paying her a visit if she were still living. I don’t know of anyone else who has the gift.
So much for that idea.
I need to get through my appointment with Dr. Peters and figure out how in the hell I am going to make this brochure.
I am strictly taking the bus from now on. The weather is getting too chilly to walk or ride my bike. And I am no longer accepting rides from Brianna. When you let people in too close, they burn you in the end. It never fails.
What I need is a car. I have enough in my account that I could get a cheap used one. I may have to look into that after my appointment with Dr. Peters this morning.
I check the clock. I have time to hit the diner for some coffee before my appointment. I tie my granny sweater at the waist and hurry to the bus stop. I try to avoid bumping into Cutter at all cost, but I wouldn’t mind some of his pumpkin vanilla brew this morning. See, I am addicted. Those evil lust pheromones are doing their job.
The bus is surprisingly empty, the past few mornings it has been so crowded. I fiddle with my camera. I keep popping the memory stick in and out, until I reach my stop. I walk into the diner and see that they have taken down Harlan’s picture and message board. I take a seat at the counter and order my coffee. Hurley slides onto the stool next to me.
“They took it down. Mrs. Rivers came by and removed it a few weeks ago.” He turns my stool so that I am sitting knee to knee with him and forced to face him. “What’s up with you? Did you and Cutter breakup? Brianna says you have refused to ride with her. If this is all about Halloween, I think that Nolan guy was doing that shit. That guy is weird. And I don’t like the way he looks at Brianna or you. You should stay away from him,” he warns.
I think Hurley is biased in his opinion, because of Brianna and her past with Nolan. Nolan is odd and a jerk, but I don’t think he has a malicious intent, he’s just an asshole.
“He is weird. I guess he could have been behind it. I think he just misses his brother and has a weird way of expressing himself. As far as Brianna, he is a jerk though. I think you should stay away from him. He has a history with her. I don’t think I need to be worried about him though.” Hurley looks slightly wounded by my brushing his concern off.
“Just be careful around that guy, there is something funny about him. I don’t get a good vibe from him.”
The waitress hands me my coffee, and I lay two dollars on the counter. “Yeah, he has always been a dick. If you care about Brianna, you will keep him away from her too. Everything the River’s family touches turns to shit.” I turn on my heels and head for the door.
Before I can walk out Hurley stops me. “Take it easy on, Cutter, he is miserable without you. He is like a lovesick puppy, and to be honest I think you’re good for him, he needs you too. I know you miss him. Don’t be a stranger.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.” I take a drink of my shitty coffee. Now nothing compares to Cutter’s special brew.
I’m fucking addicted.
*—*
“Alright, Doc. I am ready for you to fix my camera problem. What are we going to do to get me past this?” I lie back on the chaise and prepare to count the lines running through the cracks in the ceiling as always.
“Don’t get too comfortable, we are taking a trip to the falls.” Dr. Peters leads me out the backdoor in his office and to his SUV. I take my seat in the passenger side and light up a cigarette.
“I really wish you wouldn’t smoke, Bella.”
I take an extra long drag and blow a puff of smoke out the crack at the top of the window. “Yeah, well…I wish a lot of things. Do you know of any genies going around granting wishes?”
He just shakes his head and I just cracked a smile from him. I don’t think I have ever really seen the man smile before.
We pull into the marina and Dr. Peters tells me we are going to the scene of Harlan’s accident. I don’t think I can. I haven’t been to Dead Man’s Rock since the day Harlan died.
Taking a deep breath, I have no choice but to follow him.
The hike that leads to the cliffs is a bit longer than the trail that leads to the bridge that overlooks the falls. If I had known we were coming here today, I would have worn better shoes. A little warning would have been nice. You would think he could have had the courtesy to call or send a text, so I could dress appropriately, but then again had I known this is where we would be going I might have bailed on my appointment.
I take in the scene around us and make the best of the situation. Most of the trees have lost all their leaves by now. I have a seat on an old stump. A few more deep breaths, it isn’t so bad. I don’t feel Harlan here today either. “Okay, Doc, hit me. What do you need me to do?”
He wants me to recap the day that Harlan died. Okay, this is not what I was expecting, but now that we are here in this spot, it should have been obvious to me.
I rub my hands together and blow on them trying to warm up. It is a lot colder out. They say we are in for a harsh winter. You can feel it coming in the air. There was already a thick frost on the ground this morning.
My chest is tight, if I had never experienced anxiety before, I would swear I was having a heart attack. The sweat begins to bead across my forehead and I can feel my chest turning red. Next, the welts will show on my chest if I don’t calm down.
“Slow, deep breaths, Bella. Inhale, now exhale and again,” Dr. Peters talks to me in a soothing tone. “Take your time, you can do this, I know you can.”
My pulse begins to slow. A wave of calm spreads through my veins. The breathing technique is helping.
“Walk me through that day, Bella.”
“If I do the nightmares will come,” I confess. My chest tightens thinking about the return of the dreams. I don’t know how much more suffering I can take on. The poison is trying to kill me and with this exercise, it just might succeed.
“You need to do this to make them stop, Bella. Do you want the dreams to go away?”
“Yes, more than anything.” And I do, as much as I feel guilty for wanting to get past this, I am tired of this burden.
I close my eyes and begin to tell my story, our story. The tragedy that was Harlan and Bella. I tell Alex about the dare I gave Harlan to jump off the cliff.
“Open your eyes, Bella. You need to relive the memory. If you don’t you will never be able to move on. Aren’t you tired of being stuck?”
I nod my head, because I am so tired. I am tired of this life. I am tired of feeling like I am crazy and everyone treating me like I am fragile. They act as if I may break, when I am already broken. The only person that seems to realize the fact is Cutter.
“Harlan” — my voice cracks as his name leaves my trembling lips. “He was at the top of the cliff. I blew him a kiss. I felt bad for not giving him one before he climbed up there. I—I wanted a picture of him looking so carefree. You see, it was rare for it to be just the two of us, and happy. With no one butting in and drawing invisible lines between us.” I walk to the edge of the water and skip a few stones across the water before I continue.
“Harlan reached out to catch my kiss, and he stumbled. His foot got caught on a tree root. He lost his balance. I heard every crack, of his skull hitting the side of the cliff as he fell. I couldn’t do anything but watch. I was frozen in place.” The tears take over I can’t say the rest. It hurts. The poison is bubbling, coursing through my body. It is always ready to take over when the hurt becomes more than I can bear. Sobs burst from my mouth, and I am shaking uncontrollably.
I collapse to my knees at the edge of the water, unable to breathe. It hurts so fucking much. If I had made different choices that day, he’d still be here. He’d be with me.
“Alright. That is enough for today. We will meet back here tomorrow morning, and tomorrow I want you to finish the story. But tomorrow you will tell me while looking through the lens of your camera.”
Is he crazy, didn’t he just see how hard this was for me, and I didn’t even get out half of the story?
I can’t go to class after my thera-rape-me session today. I am drained mentally and physically. Dr. Peters writes me a new prescription. He has increased my dosage. While I am, standing outside of the pharmacy waiting for my prescription to be filled, I cup my hands trying to light up my cigarette.
I spy Cutter across the street loading feed into the back of a farmer’s truck. Part of me wants to drag him behind the dumpsters in the alley and kiss him senseless, but then the darkness warns me that it is pointless. I don’t owe him anything, but I did agree to give him a year. I squint trying to get a better look at him. He looks so un-rested; underneath his eyes are tinted lavender. I put my cigarette out and stick a piece of gum in my mouth.
I get my medicine and decide I know nothing about cars. I will regret this later, but I walk across the street to the hardware and ask Cutter to go car shopping with me. He looks genuinely happy to see me. A huge grin spreads across his face the moment I walk up to the service desk.
Now I feel like an asshole. He has been nothing but nice to me while I am dealing with my shit, and how do I repay his kindness—I cut him off completely, and all because of what—a stupid board game.
“I…I owe you an apology, Cutter. I am a shitty friend. Can we just go back to before Halloween and pretend the past few weeks that we have been too busy to hang out?” I know I need him, and he needs me.
He takes each end of my scarf and pulls me in for a kiss. “There does that answer your question?”
“Yeah,” I touch my fingers to my lips, still feeling the heat of his breath against them. “What time do you get off?” He tells me he has fifteen minutes left. We are both starved, and I head down the street to order us some burgers, so our food will be ready when he clocks out.
I slide into a booth after I place our order. Not even five minutes pass before Brianna and Hurley join me. “Is it alright if we join you?” Brianna asks looking unsure if they are welcome.
“It’s fine.” I roll my eyes and tap my fingers against the napkin holder. “Cutter will be here in a few minutes, and I owe you all an apology. I kind of freaked out over Halloween. I mean I know it was just a game and you guys might have thought it was funny. Well it wasn’t, but I sort of overreacted. So—moving on. How are things with you guys?”
Brianna immediately bursts into talking about how Nolan made a complete ass of himself right after I left the party. Hurley had to practically kick him out the door and into his truck. I mean, there is no surprise there. Brianna says she hasn’t seen or heard anymore from him since. I think we all hope he has left town.
Hurley seems annoyed that Brianna is talking about Nolan, and I can’t really blame him. I don’t think she even realizes how much it bothers him.
I am interrupted from the conversation with a call from my Gram. She insists upon my inviting Cutter, Hurley, and Brianna to Thanksgiving at her house. Cutter slides into the booth beside me as I end my call with her and our food is brought out.
I dip my French fries in a cup of mayo and gross everyone out. “Damn, girl, you are a sick eater.” Hurley makes gagging sounds to show his distaste.
This only makes me take extra dips and make seductive moans with each bite.
“You make those sounds in the bedroom?” Hurley cocks his brow smirking. “Because Brianna makes this squeaking noise.” Before he can say more Brianna shoves a fry covered in mayo in his mouth.
We all burst out laughing at his pale green color. He gets the hint and goes into talking about a double date.
I agree to go to the movies with them this weekend and we part ways, so Cutter can help me look for a car.
It was a very smart idea to bring Cutter with me. He negotiated the salesman down and saved me six grand. After signing a few papers, I am driving Cutter and me home in my gently used Ford Focus.
Cutter invites me inside his apartment for the first time ever. It strikes me as odd that I have known him for a few months—and with us living next door to one another, you would think he would have had me over before now.
But after stepping inside I figure maybe he was ashamed, he doesn’t have much furniture. His apartment is sparse. I take my scarf off and lay it across the back of his small sofa. Well I suppose it is more of a loveseat really.
Taking a seat, I notice something laying on the TV stand, it is an origami rose. Thinking back to the paper daisies I used to receive in the hospital, I try to compare them within my mind without being obvious.
The flower on his stand is clearly much nicer than the ones I received. Now I am just letting the paranoia seep back in. “Cutter is a good guy, Bella, stop making things more than what they are,” I scold myself. I know I am looking for any reason to bolt and become a hermit again. I seem to have developed a bad habit of making everything about me. I really should stop doing it. But after years of doing so it is hard.
I mean, I know the world doesn’t revolve around me. I just have a way of turning things that might have absolutely nothing to do with me and making them all about me. I am such a self-absorbed brat sometimes. I don’t know why Cutter puts up with me.