Gram took to Cutter better than I thought. I figured that as soon as she saw the motorcycle she would disapprove. She must be in awe of his good looks too. I bet he casts a spell on every woman he meets. Before we leave, I take him to the backyard and show him the flower garden. He joins me on the bench, and just when I think he might kiss me Gram interrupts us.
Great way to be a cock block, Gram.
I sigh scooting over to allow room for her to sit with us.
“You two aren’t leaving without a bite of my apple pie. I even put a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top.” She hands us both a desert dish, and forks.
Before we leave, Gram pulls me to the side and tells me to bring him back sometime. Yeah, she is under the influence of his pheromones too. There is no other explanation for it. My Gram never likes any guys I bring around. Okay, I take that back. I only ever dated Harlan and she already had a bad taste in her mouth, because of his last name.
I have Cutter drop me off at my apartment; he is going to meet up with Hurley. After the impression I made on Cutter’s friends today I figure it is best I sit this get together out.
I kick my shoes off and flop onto the sofa. It is amazing the difference a few days can make. Your life can change in a moment’s notice. Do I miss Harlan? Absolutely, I still miss him. Will I join him in the water? Only time can tell. Cutter has made me take a step back and reevaluate my choices. There is still so much that I haven’t experienced in this life, yet.
Surely, Harlan won’t begrudge me a little fun. I turn on my laptop and light up a cigarette. My screen saver is one of my favorite pictures of Harlan and me. He showed up on my birthday after he had refused to attend. We spent the night kissing in the garden. It was one of those rare moments, when nothing else mattered. I snapped a photo of him kissing my cheek on the stone bench in the garden. We had such a good time that night.
I open up my documents and begin writing my list.
My bucket list by Bella Rose
~Sky dive
~Drive Cutter’s motorcycle
~Hot air balloon ride
~Visit time Square
~Get a tattoo
~Get a piercing
~Be truly free from my pain
~Forgive myself
~Backpack across Europe
~Get Married
These sound like fun things for an eighteen year old to do. I don’t know what compelled me to add marriage to my list, but there the words are staring back at me. I can’t bring myself to delete them. All little girls have fantasized about being rescued and marrying their white knight, why should I be any different—except, my white knight is dead.
I run my bathwater and add some lavender oil to help me sleep. The scent is already relaxing me. I undress and slip into the warm water. Laying my head back on my tub pillow, I close my eyes and let my thoughts drift to all the things on my list.
One minute I am thinking about what kind of tattoo I want to get and in the next I am back at the falls with Harlan…
His laughter echoes through the surrounding mountains. He flips his chestnut hair from his eyes. Picking me up with ease, he throws me in the cool lake water. I pretend to be pissed, but really, I’m not mad in the slightest. I just want him to feel bad and try to make me stop pouting.
He joins me in the water and kisses the edge of my mouth. I turn my face away from him, still pretending to pout. “What can I do to get that scowl from your face?” He flashes his handsome smile at me.
“There.” I point to the highest rock at the falls. “I want to get a picture of you jumping off Dead Man’s Rock.”
I dry off with my pink towel and take my camera from my bag. I snap some pictures as he emerges from the water and joins me in the shade of the pines.
“Give me a kiss for good luck.” He presses his lips to mine, but I don’t return his kiss.
“No, you will get your reward after you complete the jump.” I shove his lips from mine with my hand, like kissing him is the last thing I want to do. I knew he would be fine. He had jumped from that rock many times before. It was like a rite of passage for the boys who live in this town. It makes them a man to make the jump. He brushes the rejection off and laughs as he begins the hike up to the cliff.
If I had known it was our last moment together, I would have given him that kiss.
I ready my camera. A few minutes later, he emerges up top. “Any last words for me,” he calls down to me.
“Good luck.” I blow him a kiss.
He reaches out to catch my kiss.
Suddenly I am slipping under the water. It’s invading my nose and mouth, “Not yet,” I cry out silently in my head. But the force of the water is too strong.
All I can see is Harlan smiling at me before I fade to black.
*—*
The next thing I know, I am being pulled from the water. Harlan, I smile to myself, but only when I come to it isn’t Harlan watching over me, it’s Cutter.
“Hey, are you with me?” he asks as he lays me on my bed. “Fuck, you are freezing.” He wraps my blanket around me. “Your lips are purple. I can’t leave you alone for a few hours. We made a deal. You can’t back out on a deal, Bella.” He’s angry with me, Cutter gently lifts my naked body and pulls me into a tight embrace.
A small amount of water trickles from the corners of my mouth. “Fell asleep,” the words barely escape my chattering teeth. My throat is burning and tight.
“You have to stop scaring the shit out of me. Don’t ever do that again, Bella. I came by to see if you wanted to watch a movie with me. I knocked a few times and when you didn’t answer, I panicked. I twisted your knob and your door was unlocked. I found you in the tub. I thought you were dead.” He holds me tighter as the color returns to my lips and my body temperature rises. “Am I going to have to handcuff us together in order for me to keep you alive?”
“I do like the sound of cuffs, kinky.” I try to laugh but my throat is still sore.
“Don’t tempt me, I will buy a pair.”
We stay entwined together on my bed in silence for what seems like hours doing nothing at all. Cutter just simply holds me.
“You need to put some clothes on. If you get sick, your Gram will blame it on my motorcycle. Then I won’t be able to let you convince me to let you drive it.” He reaches me a flannel from my closet and gives me few minutes to get dressed. I don’t feel like getting fully dressed so I put on a bra, the flannel and a pair of boy briefs.
Cutter returns minutes later and rejoins me on my bed. He strokes my hair trying to soothe me, but I can’t feel his touch.
I can’t feel anything but the poison.
I have no emotions.
I am completely numb.
I need to feel the razor’s edge.
I notice him staring at the wounds on my thigh. He runs his fingers over them gently. “You are too beautiful to be doing this to yourself. I understand the why, I just wish you wouldn’t.” He trails his fingers back up my sides almost brushing one of his hands over my breasts.
“Please, Cutter, I don’t want to feel the pain of my nightmares again, make this real. I need us to be real.” I roll over onto my side and I hand him a razor blade from my nightstand. He doesn’t seem turned off by what I have asked of him. He looks more intrigued than anything else. I figure it will freak him out and he will leave.
He takes a deep breath and hesitates. “Are you sure you want me to?”
I nod as a tear escapes the reservoir that is holding them in. Is he really going to do this for me?
I did state earlier that I thought if I asked him to do bad things with me, he would.
I guess I was right.
He drags the razor over the inside of my thigh. “Can you feel it, Bella—is the pain there.”
“It hurts so fucking much, Cutter. Bleed it out of me, take my nightmares away,” I demand.
He presses the blade deeper.
The blood trickles down my thigh.
He puts his thumb over my wound. “I know you feel the cut now, Bella, don’t make me do this,” he pleads but we’ve come too far for him to stop now.
Tears are falling down his cheeks, but I need this from him. I need to know what is happening between us is real.
He barely breaks my skin.
“I can’t feel you, Cutter, make me feel you, go deeper. I need you to make the pain stop,” I beg.
Picking the blade up from the slightly blood-stained sheet, he rubs his fingers over the cold metal and takes a deep breath.
Exhale.
He draws in another deep breath.
Whoosh.
Exhale.
Cutter comes close once more, gripping the cold metal blade, and this time, he doesn’t hesitate to make a deeper cut on the opposite leg.
This time cutting the tender flesh between my thigh and center, the razor digs in deep. He slowly slices across my skin. He fights the tears threatening to escape again. And then it happens.
It hurts.
The pain I have been waiting for rips through my sensitive skin.
The pain in his eyes breaks me. Hurting Cutter makes me feel. The darkness inside me is being bled out. I can feel it draining from my body.
A tear breaks through my reserve once more. “Mother fucking son of a bitch that fucking hurt.” I grab a hold of his face and push my tongue through his lips. I suddenly feel so free. I can feel him again. The pain is lifted from my chest.
“You are beautiful, Cutter Dawson, so fucking beautiful.” I look into his eyes, and I can’t hold back my desire any longer.
I can’t fight it anymore.
I want him to try like hell to be mine—to make me his.
I feel so alive.
I feel as if I could run through a brick wall right now and nothing could hurt me. How can someone I just met understand what I so desperately crave? I need him tonight, and I want to feel every inch of his skin on me.
He pushes me back on the bed and returns my kiss. His tongue stretches deep into my mouth. I suck his tongue daring him to go further. I want him right now. I don’t know what it says about me that I am so fucking hot for him right now. That it turns me on that he can flip on my switch with the swipe of a blade.
I don’t want to waste this beautiful moment.
The blood is still dripping from my wounds and onto the sheets and it hurts so good.
My skin is burning but there is another flame between my thighs that is begging to be put out. He grabs the center of my button down flannel and pops it open. Trailing his tongue from my mouth to my collarbone, he’s licking my trail of tears.
Nipping at my neck he continues to my breasts. He rips the white lacy material covering my taught nipples and throws it to the floor. Damn, I really loved that peek a boo lace, but I love his mouth sucking on my nipples more.
Rolling my nipple between his thumb and finger with one hand, he grabs a hold of my face with the other. Huskily, he says, “I am going to show you what it means to really feel me, Bella.”
“I don’t want to be sad anymore, Cutter.” My pussy is clinching so tight. I need him to drive his cock into me hard and fast. I want him in me balls deep. “That’s right, Cutter make me feel all of you, every delectable, beautiful inch.”
There is nothing romantic about it when he tears my panties off with his teeth. He grips the top of my thighs and pulls me close to him. I wrap my legs around him in tight grip and pull him down on top of me.
He kisses me like tomorrow may never come. And right now, in this moment, I don’t want it to. Because when tomorrow comes, I won’t be able to feel anything again, other than my nightmares. I have been down this road with myself before, and once I come down from this cloud, Cutter will hate me for making him come down with me.
“Fuck, you are so beautiful.” He runs his hands over my body, exploring all of me. I think he kisses every inch of my skin.
“That’s real sweet, Cutter, but right now I want you to take your clothes off and fuck me until I forget my own name.”
As he quickly undresses, I have to suppress a giggle when he trips over his own feet while taking off his pants.
He takes a moment to get a condom from his wallet.
Harlan crosses my mind for a brief moment, but I push the thoughts away and continue to take all that Cutter is willing to give. He drives into me, hard. I am going to pay for this tomorrow; the guy is hung like a horse. I’m not talking the average six or seven inch man; he has to be a good ten inches. I’m not even sure how he is able to fit his massive cock all the way in my tight pussy. Harlan was a good six inches on a good day.
“Oh gawd,” I cry out. I think he just ripped or tore something—like I just lost my virginity all over again. I mean, I guess it could be possible, but he feels too good for me to care. The wounds on my thighs tear back open and begin to bleed once more. His sweat gets inside them. It hurts, but in a good way. I am just happy to feel it at all. He draws his cock out of me and comes back at me even harder. He wasn’t kidding when he said sex with him would hurt, but like I told him—the pain turns me on.
He grips my thighs, and my blood stains his hands as he pumps into me wildly.
My head is beating against the headboard.
Faster and faster, he slides in and out of my slick center. I grab hold of his firm ass and dig my nails in.
“Bella, you are so beautiful, feels so damn good. You are perfect in every way my beautifully broken rose. I’m going to put you back together,” Cutter says against my mouth, taking my bottom lip between his teeth and biting it before sucking on it.
I bite his bottom lip in return breaking the skin. His blood tastes like salt and rust against my tongue. He runs his fingers down my jaw smearing my blood across my face, pounding me softer and slower. He takes my nipple into his mouth and sucks it, swirling his tongue over my tender bud. He knows exactly what to do to get me off. I feel the fire in the pit of my belly crackling and popping, burning my flame higher and brighter as I reach my climax and extinguish the flame.
Cutter’s body jerks and shudders as he relieves himself, tattooing his essence across my chest. I take my finger and smear him across my breasts and lick the essence of him from my fingers.
He collapses beside me and drapes his legs over me pinning me in place. “That was intense.”
“That was just what I needed.” I let out a tired breath. I would almost go a second round with him, but I am spent, and by the sounds of his labored breathing, he is too. My vagina is going to hurt for a week.
I wiggle out from under him and take a shower to clean myself up. In the shower, watching my blood swirl down the drain brings me down.
The high has vanished.
I sit in the bottom of the shower and think about what I just asked of Cutter.
What he gave to me so willingly.
The soap stings my cuts, but I can hardly feel it, the numb is taking back over again. The darkness surrounds me all too quickly.
*—*
I awake the next morning with Cutter holding me close. I am wrapped in a towel, my cuts are bandaged, and the sheets have been stripped from the bed. Fuck, my legs hurt, and my vagina feels like it could use an ice pack.
I want to run from him and never look back. I am sick at my stomach as the memories of last night dance through my head. I see something in the corner of the room. I raise my head to look and I could swear Harlan was just here. I can feel him nearby. I jerk up out of the bed and make it to the commode before I empty out my guilt, my shame.
I am going to ruin Cutter and break him just like Harlan did me. But this time I won’t be here for the aftermath. I am in too deep, and he cares too much. It was never supposed to go this far. I thought he would have run far and fast when I asked him to cut me, to make me feel.
There is a knock on the bathroom door.
“Are you okay, can I get anything for you?”
“I am good, thanks,” I say in a snappy tone.
Now the paranoia is setting in.
How well do I even know this guy?
I barely know the guy and he just rocked my fucking world with his massive cock. He fucks like a champ. Cutter knows all my darkest and deepest secrets and yet I really know nothing of him.
A part of me is starting to think he is already fucked up. Maybe I won’t break him after all. He was easily swayed to do what I wanted, and he didn’t even flinch when I told him how I like to cut myself. I can’t help it when the uncontrollable laughter bubbles and escapes my throat. His name is fucking Cutter. I cut myself to control the pain to keep the numbing darkness in check, to keep the poison from swallowing me whole, and I get involved with a guy named Cutter. How fucking ironic is that?