September
It’s been three weeks since I shared one of my deepest secrets with Cutter. He is the only person who knows what I do to myself—the first person to see my scars, both the ones I hide inside and out. He hasn’t judged me for it. He seems to understand my pain unlike anyone in this world, even more than Harlan ever could, or would. If Harlan saw me cut myself or if I would have ever dared to ask him to cut me, he would have wanted to have me committed. Then again, if Harlan were here I wouldn’t be doing it in the first place.
I have an appointment today with Dr. Peters. I am not looking forward to it at all. Classes start tomorrow, and I am nervous about being around so many people. The whispers and stares don’t bother me, now. It’s the ones who think I need their pity for what happened who irritate me the most. I deserve everything that comes my way.
I was told once before by a bitch in school that I am a weak person and I was put on this Earth to be walked on. I guess in a way she was right, Harlan trampled all over me and I let him. That boy could do whatever he wanted, and I would accept it willingly. I miss him.
He spoon-fed me bullshit on a daily basis, and I believed him. Because I wanted so badly for it to be real. I wanted Harlan to love me like have loved him.
Cutter has my thoughts all messed up. He breezes in out of nowhere and has me questioning everything I thought I ever knew. Nothing in my life has ever been real, not even sex, until Cutter. That is why I needed him to prove himself to me. To be honest, had he not hurt me so good, I may not still be here.
I may have died in my bathtub, and if not then, maybe the next day.
Cutter has gotten himself a job at a local hardware store. He doesn’t know that I see Dr. Peters and I intend to keep it that way. He is working this morning, so I don’t have to make up some lame story to him about doing something with my Gram. That is the thing about a lie; it is more work than it is worth. One lie leads to two, and that only complicates things further, and I don’t need any more complications coming in and butt-fucking my life up any more than it already is— fucked. The truth always makes itself known in the end, but I don’t want him to know about my thera-rape-me sessions.
I am meeting Cutter during his lunch break today. I go through my morning routine. I turn my TV to the local news. I like to listen to it while I get ready. It keeps me current. I go through my closet trying to find something to wear but nothing is standing out to me. I don’t understand why the perfect outfit can’t just fling itself from the hangers and say, “Here, bitch, wear me today, I would look exceptional on you.” Okay, it would really scare the shit out of me if it did, but it would still be cool.
Do I go for casual and sophisticated or do I go for sexy and chic? Mercy, I can’t believe I am putting so much thought into meeting Cutter for lunch.
I haven’t felt Harlan’s presence with me for days. It is probably because he is angry with me, for not being with him.
I miss him, but not like I have been.
I have still been visiting the falls every morning though.
Cutter doesn’t like it, but he doesn’t have to. He has been going with me when he doesn’t have to work, but I am glad he isn’t going with me today. I need to talk to Harlan, and I can’t do it while Cutter is lurking behind me and listening to every word. Harlan isn’t a fan of Cutter. I can’t feel him as strongly when he is with me.
I settle for my favorite black skinny jeans and my red V-neck tee. I style my hair in a loose ponytail and grab a cup of yogurt for breakfast. Raspberry is my favorite flavor. I slip on my black ballerina flats and head out the door to be met in the hall by Cutter. “Hey, aren’t you working today?”
“Yeah, I just wanted to give you this.” He leans in and brushes his lips over my knuckles. After our heated night, I told him I wanted to take this very slow and cautious. I don’t need him falling in love with me. And though it has been weeks, my vagina is still recovering, but that doesn’t mean I’d say no if he wanted to fuck me again. We agreed to a year together, not to be a couple or fuck buddies.
He is supposed to take me to get a tattoo this weekend. I don’t even know what I want exactly but I will pick something. I walk to the elevator with him still holding my hand. He hasn’t pressured me for anything more than I am ready to give. Right now, just being here is all I can offer him. He says that is enough and I hope that it is—because I lost myself when Harlan died. And I’m not sure if I will ever find my way back to the girl I once was, or if I even want to.
Hurley is waiting in the parking lot for him. I am trying super hard to be more social, but Hurley’s cocky attitude reminds me too much of Harlan, it is hard to be around him. He is planning what he refers to as the most epic Halloween party this town has ever seen.
Hurley already has it already decided that Cutter and I will come as the Joker and Harley Quinn, while he and Brianna will dress as Batman and Catwoman. He—Hurley works at the hardware with Cutter, his uncle owns it. That is how Cutter got the job to begin with. They offer me a ride, but I actually enjoy the bus ride to the falls.
I make it to the bus stop just in time; the driver is actually on time for once. Enjoying the ride in silence I think about what I would be doing right now if Harlan hadn’t died that day.
Would we still be together?
Would I have still met Cutter?
Would something else catastrophic have happened to make me still feel as I do now?
*—*
I start the hike to the bridge. I have traveled this path so many times, and I know every rock, every bump, and every tree. It is amazing how comforting the smallest everyday things can become. The small things we take for granted that surround us every day, and yet we never stand still long enough to notice them. I take a moment to listen to the birds as they sing. When I get to the top of the bridge, there is caution tape and a sign posted that the bridge is closed for repairs. Looks like they finally raised enough money to fix all the wear and tear from the years.
My chest tightens, and I feel like all the wind has been knocked from my sails. Don’t they understand how much I need this to be near him. I realize I forgot to take my medicine this morning. Just great, if I show up to Dr. Peters acting all fidgety he will know I skipped my pills today I am too scared to go to the cliffs—where Harlan died. I light up a cigarette and walk back down the trail to the marina.
As I make my way to the bench to wait for the bus, I see fucking Tweety Bird sitting in her car watching me. You have got to be kidding me, why is she all the way out here? Great, she knows I have seen her. Hell. I put my cigarette out as she approaches me slowly.
Her icy glare is trying to penetrate my shield, but it isn’t working.
She looks like whore Barbie. Her blonde hair is blowing behind her in the breeze and her boobs look like they are pushed up so tight under her hot pink tube top, they are about to touch her chin. Does the girl own any clothes? She looks like she is ready to go work a pole somewhere. Doesn’t she know a little mystery goes along way? If you dress cheaply, that is how men will treat you. At least that is what my Gram always taught me.
Brianna is just one of those girls who once they have pissed in your Cheerios, everything about them rubs you the wrong way. Even her shade of pink lipstick makes me want to smack her. She is also one of those annoying people who pops their gum as they chew it and smacks their lips while they eat. Just looking at her perfect face makes me want to choke her. Even her teeth are perfect. Fucking bitch.
I can’t help it. She brings out violent thoughts in me. Trust me, five minutes alone with her and you’d feel the same.
“Can we talk, Bella?” She edges closer but is unsure if she should chance sitting next to me. That’s right, doll face, keep back. “Can I give you a ride back to town or something?”
I agree only because I need to get home and take my medicine, and I really don’t want to wait for the bus. I’d really like to tell her to keep it fucking moving, but I rise to start walking to her car and she flinches. I’m not that intimidating, am I?
“Relax, I’m not going to hit you, again. You really pissed me off the other day.” I slide into the passenger seat and she follows getting into the driver’s side.
She turns the key in the ignition and turns the volume down on the radio. “Look, I am sorry, I shouldn’t have said what I did about you and it was a cunt move. I can’t imagine what the past year has been like for you. I mean, if I lost someone I cared for like you cared for Harlan I—I don’t know. But I am truly sorry.” She backs out of the parking lot.
I guess it is my turn to say something. “Brianna, I’m not sure what I ever did to you, to warrant your distaste for me, but it has always been this way between us. And you slept with Harlan and that hurt me, it cut deep.”
She cuts me off before I can say more.
“Hold up—pump them brakes for a minute. Why would you think I slept with Harlan, ever? I always messed around with Nolan. Well, let’s face it you and I both know Nolan is a class A jackass. It was never serious between us really, but I am not a brother fucker. As far as me not liking you, I always felt like you hated me, and Nolan would always tell me you talked shit about me behind my back. But I guess that I should have known coming from Nolan it was meaningless drama. Can we agree to put the past behind us and start over? I really like Hurley, I mean really like him and I know you and Cutter are well…friends.”
She looks at me like she is waiting for me to confirm or deny that Cutter and I are involved. I lean my head against the glass of the window and close my eyes to digest what she has said.
Can I trust her?
Should I trust her?
Do I want to?
Fuck it, I will give her a chance. I am poor in the friend department and I guess beggars can’t be choosers.
“We’re cool, Brianna. I guess we will be seeing a lot of each other on campus and it would be nice to have someone to eat lunch with.” There I was nice to Brianna Jenkins and the ground didn’t open up and swallow me. The universe is playing a sick joke on me. Brianna turns the volume back up on the radio and We are gonna be friends, by the White Stripes is playing.