Happy Birthday to me. Not.
I don’t know where my Gram got the idea at that I would want to celebrate my birthday. I guess I understand why she is doing it. I feel guilty that she suffers through my screams at night. My nightmares are back, but his time around they are of Cut—Ryan. In my dreams, he is no longer the loving guy who changed my life. He is a monster who is set on destroying me.
What did he hope to gain from this all?
I get showered and dressed to go to the falls.
Need to talk to Harlan, only I am afraid he can’t hear me now.
When I go into the kitchen to grab my keys, Gram has a cherry cheese pie waiting on the counter for me. I know she means well but the only thing going through my mind is images of me and Cut—Ryan on my Gram’s porch swing on Thanksgiving. That was the last time I had any cheese pie.
How can I miss him, knowing what he was doing to me? Lurking in the shadows making me think I was being visited by Harlan.
He haunted me.
Tormented me.
He built me up only to leave me more broken than when he found me.
What a twisted sense of romance he must have had.
I find myself waking some nights and screaming out his name. Although I know it’s wrong the moment it happens, I can’t stop it. I am so tired of crying for a love that doesn’t exist.
I am so tired of missing someone who doesn’t exist.
I thought losing Harlan was hard but losing Cutter hurts so much more. I know I will never get Harlan back, but Cutter—his face is still out there. I can’t pretend he doesn’t exist as much as I try to forget—the way he made me feel like I was really the only one he could ever care for—like the stars only shined for me…he has my heart. He stole it and in return pretended to give me his.
I pick the pie up and toss it in the trash. I probably shouldn’t have left it where my Gram would see it, but I am not in the mood to care. I know it will hurt her feelings, but at the same time, she should have known better. She should have known celebrating my birthday is the last thing I would want.
My life is anything but normal.
Normal is overrated and so is love.
Fuck love.
Fuck pain.
Fuck life.
Putting a cigarette in my mouth and lighting it even feels off, fucking Ryan has ruined everything for me. I peel out of the driveway and race towards the falls.
Parking my car in a hurry, I don’t even bother taking my keys from the ignition.
Making my way up the trail to the bridge I get a feeling that Harlan is here, and it better not be fucking Ryan screwing with me. I know they said he is on house arrest, but I don’t put anything past people these days.
I make it to my favorite spot in the center of the bridge where there is a perfect view of the falls rushing into the lake. I look up at the beautiful blue sky only to be reminded of the blue shade of Ryan’s eyes.
He’s everywhere I go.
“Harlan,” I whisper the name that has brought me so much pleasure and pain. “Please, Harlan, I need you.”
I wait for a sign, but none ever comes.
“Harlan,” I call to him once more.
“Nope guess again, Bells,” Nolan sneers coming to stand beside me.
What is he doing here?
How did he know I’d be here?
I get a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.
“About time you came out of hiding, I thought I was going to have to drag you here myself?” He laughs, and it seems off somehow.
I take a better look at him.
There are dark circles under his eyes, and he is so skinny.
He looks nothing like his brother now. He appears sickly, and gangly. His eyes look empty, black almost. Like the guy who once lived in this shell of a body is gone. Like the Nolan I have always known has disappeared. I’m not sure which version of him is better, if either. He has always been an asshole, but this guy standing before me scares me.
“I’m confused, Nolan, what are you talking about and why are you here?” I take a step away from him.
“I’m here for you, Bells. Happy birthday by the way.” He tries to kiss my cheek, but I dodge his advance. He looks hurt by my rejection—angry even. “It was all almost too easy. Fucking Ryan Monroe played right into my plans. Bella, if you would have just given yourself to me years ago, none of this would have been necessary.”
I look at him completely oblivious to what he is talking about. My eyes narrow on him as I try to work out what he is saying in my head, but none of it is making sense.
“Oh, I am sorry. Allow me dumb it all down for you, doll face.” He pulls a pistol out the waistband of his jeans, shocking me.
I take another step away from him. He is scaring the shit out of me.
Nolan takes a step forward, grabbing my mouth and squeezing it hard with his free hand. He lets go and then he smacks me right along my jawline. He doesn’t use enough force to really hurt me.
I get the impression he isn’t strong enough, given his weakened appearance.
“You see, Bella. I met you first. You probably don’t remember, but if you try real hard, inside that pretty little head of yours, it will come back to you.” He licks his lips looking at me all weird like he isn’t sure if he wants to kiss me or hurt me.
I am hoping for neither.
“You were probably in junior high at the time. I had just gotten my driver’s license. I offered you a ride home from the county pool, but you turned me down. I let the rejection go and found someone else to play with for the time being. And it is so ironic who she was. Can you guess? I’ll give you a hint. Her last name was Monroe.” He looks so pleased with himself, almost as if he is gloating.
“What in the hell are you talking about, Nolan? How do you know Ryan’s little sister?” I try to take another step away from him, but he catches me by my wrist and digs the barrel of his gun in my side.
“Ah, ah. You aren’t going anywhere, Bella Rose. We are just getting to the good stuff.” He proceeds to tell me how he wanted to have me all for himself, but Harlan got in the way when he set all of this in motion by asking me to dance. He goes on to tell me that Harlan knew about Carson Monroe—what he did to her, and even where he buried her body. I pull away from his hold enough to throw up over the rail of the bridge.
He’s sick. It has been him all this time. How did I not see it and where does Ryan fit into all of this? I know I need to keep him talking, but I am afraid of what he plans to do to me. I try to will my knees to stop trembling. I don’t want him to sense my fear. I need to play it cool. He needs to believe that I am cool, calm, and collected.
“Do you know how hard it was to see you with my brother, Bella? Watching him put his hands on what was meant to be mine. I tried to give him every chance to leave you alone, but he couldn’t let you go. No matter how many girls I dangled in front of him, it was always you he wanted.” He laughs at his own twisted thoughts.
“I was always watching the two of you—always having to bear witness to your intimate moments. Harlan liked to rub you in my face. That was a big mistake on his part. He underestimated me and the lengths I am willing to go to get what’s mine! I was there that day at the falls. I pushed him, you know?” He grabs my face again and runs the barrel of the gun over my mouth, trying to push the barrel between my lips.
I can’t stop my body’s initial reaction. Fear. Tears pool in the corners of my eyes as he confesses his evil deeds. My heartbeat is pumping so fast. I am so afraid.
“I pulled you out of the water that day. I saved you, Bella, because I thought you would finally see. I thought that with him out of the way, you would finally turn to me. I thought that just maybe you would seek comfort with me. But instead, you go and involve yourself with Monroe, of all people. I should have let you drown.” He waves the gun in the air.
Nolan killed Harlan, it wasn’t an accident. The realization hits me square in the gut. I would throw up again, if I had anything left in me. I am afraid he is going to shoot me at any minute, or even worse, he is going to drag me to the woods and rape me.
My tears are falling freely. I can’t hold them back any longer. I am never going to see my Gram or Ryan again. I picture Ryan in my head, and I wish I could go to him now and tell him I’m sorry. My judgment was so clouded and now he will never know about his sister. There are so many things I want to say to him. He needs to know how sorry I am for not believing in him. For not believing in us.
“I thought maybe if you thought you were seeing Harlan and hearing him, you would come talk to me about it. But you didn’t, so I had to take matters into my own hands. I needed to get rid of fucking Monroe—he was always in the way. It was clever of him to change his name. I wouldn’t have known it was even him if I hadn’t started checking him out.”
All I can do is listen to his rant—his confession. I can’t find my voice. Even if I did dare to scream, who would hear me out here?
“It was even easier to blame it all on him. I just had to wait for the right moment, and everything fell into place so perfectly. Placing a few items in a box and waiting for it to be discovered, that was all it took. You believed it all so easily. You claimed to love him, and to want to marry him, but you gave up on him so quickly. You see, Bella, you aren’t loyal. And well…loyalty is an important quality in a life partner. You weren’t loyal to Harlan either, I saw you in bed with Ryan, the things you let him do to you. I would have cut you. All you had to do was ask. We could have shared something beautiful, Bells—you and me. I thought we were meant for each other but now, I don’t know.”
I look to my left and see Dr. Peters watching us from the other end of the bridge. I quickly turn my attention back to Nolan. I don’t want him to see Alex.
I am disgusted, he was there, in my apartment, every single time I thought I was seeing a glimpse of Harlan, it was all Nolan, playing his games. He’s sick.
Who does that?
“So, you have me here now, what do you want from me, Nolan?” I ask, not really wanting the answer. I only need to buy some time.
“What do I want? Haven’t you been paying attention, Bella? I wanted you. But you have ruined it, by fucking my brother and Monroe. You aren’t pure anymore Bells. And now you know too much. So it is time for you to go. Everyone will think the pressure of your life got to you and you finally cracked. You see this gun; I stole it from your sweet ol’ Gram. I’m glad to see she is up and about. Really, I am. I never meant to hurt her, but she got in the way.” he points his gun in my back. “Climb up on the ledge, Bells.”
Think Bella, he is going to fucking kill you!
“Nolan, you used to want me, you could have me now. I know everything you did was all because you love me.” I place my hand over his heart hoping like hell I am convincing. “We could be together like you wanted just you and me. No one will have to ever know any of it.”
I just need to bide enough time for Alex to make his move. Normally, I wouldn’t have thought Dr. Peters could take on Nolan, but now he looks like a scared little boy. I have faith and for the first time in a long time—I pray to God to get me through this. Harlan and Carson’s deaths can’t all be for nothing. Nolan and his sick ways have to end today.
“I don’t believe you, Bells, convince me.” He pushes his chest into mine. “Kiss me, show me that you are willing to forget them both, Bella. Tell me they mean nothing to you. We can leave here today and never have to look back on this town. Ryan can go to jail. Harlan, well, he can’t get in the way from the grave.”
The way he refers to Harlan is disgusting. I have to fight what little bile is trying to rise up my throat, so I can do what I have to get out of this alive. I am about to lean in closer to this sadistic freak, when finally, Dr. Peters rushes up charging into Nolan’s back. All in one swift motion, I take a side step from Nolan, as Alex sends him over the rail and into the falls.
Alex takes me into his arms and hugs me tight, “Are you okay, did he hurt you?”
I pull back from him and look over the bridge. “Not physically. I’m just shaken up a little. How did you find me?” I don’t see any sign of Nolan in the water rushing below.
“Your Gram called and asked me to look for you after she found your pie in the trash and your car gone. If I hadn’t got here in time I—I don’t know what he was planning for you.”
“I do, he was going to kill me,” I whisper.
We hear the wailing of police sirens in the distance. Dr. Peters and I meet the police in the marina parking lot. They want me to be examined by paramedics, but I refuse.
Oh, God. It hits me.
Harlan, Carson, Ryan.
Ryan is going to hate me.
I will never be able to apologize enough to him. Even so, none of this still doesn’t excuse the fact that he lied to me about who he is.
I tell the officer everything that Nolan was saying to me. I mean some of the things he said didn’t even make sense. Like the stuff about Carson Monroe, did he really take her and kill her? Or was he just trying to screw with my head?
All the times I thought I could feel Harlan with me, was it Nolan and I was feeling his presence instead?
I am taken to the station with Dr. Peters to give our official statements and to be questioned further. While we are waiting to be questioned more, Alex starts telling me about his visit with Ryan. He tells me that Ryan was in the hospital receiving treatment while I was there. The only thing he admits to doing is leaving the daisies on my pillow at night.
My heart squeezes in my chest.
Ryan swears he didn’t follow me around, and he didn’t steal my patient file. He also claims he didn’t steal my pictures or follow me around taking the pictures of me that was found in his room… The only thing in the box that belonged to him was the paper flowers.
I feel awful, but I don’t know how to fix this or how to deal with everything that has transpired today.
Alex—Dr. Peters says he will speak to the judge on behalf of Ryan, he doesn’t think they can make any of the charges on him stick, as long as they find evidence proving the things Nolan confessed to me on the bridge. It helps that he heard the things Nolan was saying to me also.
I am asked repeatedly if I was romantically involved with Nolan, and if were we playing some sort of game.
The thought of it all makes me sick.
I understand that the police need to look at it from all angles, but seriously, a game?
This is my life.
I am just trying to piece it all together in my head. I mean, it all makes sense in theory. But why didn’t I see him push Harlan off the cliff?
I suppose my vision could have been affected and distorted by the camera lens. I might not have been able to see everything clearly. Plus, I was in shock that day.
Was it him leaning over me when I came to?
Someone pulled me from the water, I didn’t imagine it.
How could he kill his own brother and all because he said I was his? I get chills down my spine at the thought. They still haven’t located Nolan. It is unclear if he is in the water or if he survived the fall into the falls and swam to shore. There is a helicopter doing a sweep of the woods for any sign of him. They have search and rescue boats out on the water as well.
I am released to go home, an officer brought my car to the station, so I don’t have to go back to the marina. They have the road blocked anyways. No one can get in or out. The university campus is on lockdown also. They aren’t taking any chances. If Nolan is out there somewhere, he is armed and very sick.
When I pull up at my Gram’s house, her and Brianna are waiting for me in the kitchen. I try to recap everything for them the best that I can, but I am still trying to wrap my head around it all. Gram is torn all to pieces.
I think she is more upset than I am.
I ask Brianna to take her into the living room and fix her some tea. I need a shower. I want to wash the filth of Nolan’s hands touching me away.
If only I could scrub him from my mind as easily.
Afterward, I don’t go back downstairs with them. I can’t get my mind off poor Carson Monroe, and the thoughts of what he—Nolan possibly put her through, because of me.
Looking back now, on my relationship with Harlan I think he was trying to protect me from Nolan. And I think a part of him resented me for it.
A part of him had to feel like I ruined the brotherly bond that they had once shared. Why didn’t he tell the police what his brother had done?
Was Nolan holding me over Harlan’s head?
Was he scared of Nolan and what he would do to both of us?
My head hurts, I can’t think of it any longer.
Eventually, I drift to sleep.