April
Three weeks have passed since my birthday, and the horrible events that took place that day. After investigating Nolan further and searching his room at his parent’s home, the police found literally hundreds of videos clips on the hard drive of his computer that he had taken of Harlan, Ryan, Brianna, Hurley, poor Carson, and me.
Dr. Peters says it was like he was making a documentary of it all. The videos on his computer go back to when I was in middle school. He filmed me swimming at the county pool. He even had videos of me just sitting in my Gram’s flower garden. He was narrating too, but Alex says it is best he doesn’t tell me the things Nolan was saying, or the thoughts he had about me.
The sickest part of it all is they found evidence linking him to the disappearance of Carson Monroe, Ryan’s little sister.
Mason, the town that the Monroe family lives in is only a half hour drive from here if you take the freeway.
Nolan had dated a girl who lived near the family around the time the little girl—Carson went missing and they found her shirt stashed in a box under his bed. He was keeping it like some sort of trophy. The police also found a video diary detailing what he did to her after he took her and where he buried her body.
After getting a search warrant for the rental property owned by the River’s family, where Hurley has been living, the police found the remains of Carson Monroe in the backyard.
Dr. Peters doesn’t go into detail about what Nolan did to Carson.
I don’t think I can bear to hear the details either.
She was only eight years old for Christ sake.
Brianna has been questioned extensively as well, but she wasn’t much help for the police. She was only able to tell the police of the things he put her through, like forcing her to watch him have sex with other girls. They say she is lucky she didn’t become one of his victims.
The police also uncovered that Nolan had a history of abusing animals when he was a child, and his parents actually thought that it was only a phase he was going through, at the time.
They are devastated to find out that Nolan allegedly pushed Harlan from the cliff. They haven’t found any evidence to support, they don’t want to believe it. They did find his prints at my Gram’s house. They think he broke in looking for me because I was out of town.
He must have thought Gram seen him and pushed her down the basement stairs in hopes of her keeping quiet. That must be when he stole her pistol as well.
After questioning Gram, she said she always slept with the pistol under her mattress and when she went downstairs to investigate the sounds she heard, she had taken it with her. She had laid it on the dining table to close the basement door. She had actually forgotten about the gun until the police questioned her.
The police also checked all of Nolan’s bank statements and found a receipt for the wig that Brianna found. They think he stole my patient file when he had an appointment at the hospital with my Dr. at the time. He made the appointment under the guise of having trouble coping with his brother’s death, when in reality he was there for information on me.
As for Ryan Monroe AKA Cutter Dawson, I haven’t spoken to him. The restraining order is still in effect. I have to wait until the hearing to drop it. He has been taken off house arrest. All charges against him have been dropped. The case has gotten national attention in the media, but he has declined to make any statements or give any interviews.
Gram leaves her house line unhooked most days, the phone rings nonstop if she doesn’t. Reporters and just curious friends and neighbors trying to find out anything they can, are always creeping around the house.
The Monroe family is finally able to lay their daughter to rest.
They are holding a memorial for her this weekend. Gram and Brianna both offered to attend it with me, but I don’t feel right about going. And there is the restraining order. Not that I think Ryan would ask the police to enforce it and have me removed, but I want to respect the family's privacy and give them time to grieve.
Nolan died at the falls that day. The official autopsy says that he drowned, just like Harlan. They actually recovered his body three days later in almost the exact spot where they found Harlan’s body.
I think some would call that karma.
I feel so bad for Mrs. Rivers. She has lost both of her boys.
I bumped into her at the bank and she smacked the piss out of me.
I decided to let it go, she needs someone to blame.
In some ways, I feel responsible. Would all of this have still transpired had I gotten into the car with Nolan the day he asked me to? Dr. Peters says I can’t think of it that way. He says that Nolan was a very troubled and sick young man. He would have hurt people regardless. He thinks that Nolan’s fixation on me prevented him from harming more girls. Girls like Brianna.
Brianna and Hurley have made up. I am truly happy for them. They have come over a few times and tried to drag me out of the house, but right now, I just need to lay low until the media frenzy subsides. There is always one reporter lurking in the bushes. I watched an interview online given by a kid from my photography class acting as if he hung out with my friends and me. People will say just about anything to get their fifteen minutes of fame.
I asked Hurley if he has spoken to Ryan any, but he just shook his head at me. Brianna however is full of information. She says that Hurley is upset that he lied to him about his name, but they are still friends. She says Hurley is pretty tight lipped on the subject and she knows that Ryan has asked about me because she has heard Hurley talking about me on the phone with him.
I want to see him and talk to him.
I need answers—answers that only he can provide.
Why did he put those daisies on my pillow?
Why did he lie about his name? And why couldn’t he have just told me he knew me from the hospital?
In time, I suppose I may get the nerve to go and ask him these questions face to face. I have to wait for the restraining order to be dropped. I had planned on seeing him after court, but my attorney has advised me that if I don’t go to the hearing the order will be dropped. He has spoken with Ryan’s lawyer and they have worked out the details of it all. Ryan will show up for court to detest the order and since I won’t be there to ask that it be reinstated, the judge will drop it.
A huge part of me still loves him. I mean, I was planning to marry the guy, but are Cutter Dawson and Ryan Monroe the same. Was Cutter just an alter ego? I don’t know if any of what we shared was real. I don’t know what his angle in all of this was. Did we cross paths by chance or was he too infatuated with me and following me?
A huge chunk of my heart tells me that it was real, his feelings for me—everything we experienced—him making love to me, the proposal. I want it to have been real. I want to believe that he loved—maybe he loves me still. Though I suppose I could understand if he doesn’t. I failed him.
I failed us by not believing in him and seeing through Nolan’s tricks.
I turn on the news and the media is covering Carson Monroe’s memorial. The family has released a statement that they are happy to finally have Carson home and be able to lay her to rest. The family is glad to know that no one else will have to suffer at the hands of Nolan Rivers.
The camera pans to the family as they enter the church. I see a glimpse of Ryan, and my heart skips a beat. How can someone you barely know have such an effect on you?
Because you still love him you idiot!
I turn the TV off and fling the remote in frustration.
“Go to him, Bella,” Gram tells me from the doorway of my room.
I bury my face in my pillow and scream, “I can’t, Gram.”
She crosses the room and takes a seat beside me on my bed, the dip and shift she creates as she sits gives her away. “Give me one good reason, Bella. You love him. I don’t have all of the answers, but you have been through too much to throw in the towel now.” She kisses my forehead and lays my car keys on my comforter.
Fuck.
When my Gram is right, she’s right.
I sigh and start getting dressed.
I plan to call Ryan after the services for Carson are over and ask him to meet me. We need to talk, and I can’t wait for the court order to be lifted.
I need answers and he is going to give them to me—today.
I put on my red plaid button down shirt with small ribbing on the waist with a black tank underneath. I pair it with my black skinny jeans and chucks and put my hair into a messy side swept braid. I don’t take the time to put on makeup. Only opting for some lip-gloss and mascara.
The whole drive to Mason feels like it is taking hours rather than minutes. I am antsy, I would really like a cigarette right now, but I quit.
I hear they are bad for you.
I pull up a block from the church. It’s as close as I can get to it, there are so many cars and news vans lining the street.
I hope Ryan hasn’t changed his cell number.
I watch for them to exit the church.
After about twenty minutes of listening to the radio people begin to emerge from the front doors.
Now or never Bella, hit send.
Me: Ryan, its Bella, do you think we could meet up today. I need to talk to you.
I wait for a few minutes. He isn’t going to reply. I keep glancing between my phone and the church doors. I am about to give up and pull away when finally, I see him emerge and checking his phone.
Ryan: Are you close by?
Me: I am down the street from the church.
Ryan: Give me a few minutes and pull up to the front of the church.
I sit and watch as he helps load his sister’s casket into the back of the hearse, adorned in roses of all colors, they are beautiful.
Ryan walks over to his grieving mother and embraces her, I see him whisper something in her ear and give her a kiss. I now look like a raccoon, watching the intimate moment between him and his mom has me crying like a baby. I grab some tissue from my console and dab my eyes.
I wait for the family to get in their cars and start following the hearse in the opposite direction of where I am parked. I pull up behind the last cars as they are pulling away from the church.
Ryan slides into the passenger side. “Follow those cars.” he points to the cars in front of me.
I do as he asks and figure he must be having me drive him to the cemetery.
“So, hi,” he whispers. I can feel his heated stare and my cheeks blush.
“Hi,” I whisper back. “Why are we whispering?” I ask, and I take his hand, squeezing his sweaty palm, trying to offer him some comfort. This day must be undoubtedly hard for him. I can’t even begin to imagine what this has all been like for him. As much as everything has hurt me, he has been touched by it all as well.
He squeezes my hand back. “I know you have questions, and I will answer them. But I have a favor to ask of you. I want you to come to the burial. My mom wants to thank you.”
“To thank me,” I state more as a question confused as to why she would want to thank me, I didn’t do anything.
“For brining Carson home. If you hadn’t told the police what Nolan said, we may have never known. If I could get my hands on that guy!” The fact that his grip tightens on my hand and his teeth grit as he says his name doesn’t escape my attention.
“But I’m not dressed properly,” I mumble.
“No one cares what you are wearing, Bella. Just that you came. I am so happy you are here.” He brings my hand to his mouth, kissing my knuckles tenderly.
Hope swells in my chest.
I pull in behind the cars and park. I am still debating getting out of the car when Ryan opens my door. “Come on, I have to get out there, I am a pallbearer. You can sit with my mom.” He takes my hand and pulls me from the car.
“I will just stand in the back and watch from afar. I don’t want to intrude.” I pull back from him trying to stand my ground, but he isn’t taking no for an answer.
He leads me under a green tent on the lawn of the cemetery. “Mom, this is Bella Rose.”
His mother looks like an older version of his little sister. She takes me into a hug and cries on my shoulder. Ryan moves on to help his father and cousins with the casket.
His mother pulls back from me, wipes her eyes, and blows her nose. “I’m sorry, dear, but I have wanted to thank you for bringing my girl home. I’m so happy you are here. Ryan loves you, you know, he has told me so much about you.” She pulls me into another hug and I can only stand here like a mute, offering her my comforting silence.
What do I say to that?
A calm feeling comes over me as Ryan and Mr. Monroe join the two of us.
We take our seats and Ryan squeezes my hand the whole time.
I thought I would feel odd being here, but I feel the complete opposite, like I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
After the graveside service concludes, his mother insists that I come to their house. I can’t decline her invitation. I can see the eagerness in her eyes. I simply nod, and Ryan gets back in my car with me. Only I let him drive, because I have no idea where he lives.
“Are you sure you want me here, today? I know it must be hard for you—for your family.” I don’t want him to think I am taking advantage of him during his time of grieving. I web my fingers together anxiously.
“Bella, I have had years to come to terms with the loss of my sister, today is more about closure for my family. We finally have the answers we have been looking for, we can finally lay my sister’s disappearance to rest.”
“Okay.”
He gives me a weak smile, but it still makes my belly swarm with butterflies.
I love him, whoever he is.