December
The snow is coming down hard in heavy thick flakes. I haven’t seen it snow like this probably since I was in the eighth grade. The local news station is reporting up to a foot is estimated to fall over the next three days. Thankfully, they have called off classes. I wasn’t looking forward to trying to drive to campus, even if it is a short distance. I am glad for the snow day. I really need to work on my brochure for my photography class.
For the first page I have a beautiful panoramic photo of the campus in the center. The natural light was downcast just enough to give an inviting feeling. I list general information, the name of the school, the address, websites, phone numbers etc. On the second page, I have a collage of my pictures from the library shoot with Hurley and Brianna.
They are thrilled at the idea that this brochure could be picked to be handed out to potential future students during spring when high school students come from all around for tours of the University.
On the third page, Brianna let me take a snapshot of her dorm room. I also feature a picture of the campus café, while highlighting the picnic area outdoors. On the fourth page, I list various activities, and clubs the students may be interested in participating in. Then on the fifth and final page, I display things about the town that may appeal to students to make them want to live here. I have a beautiful picture of the falls and mention briefly that many students enjoy taking in the local wildlife and walking the trails.
I think I spend a total of six hours working non-stop on the damn project, except for the occasional bathroom break and cigarette. Photoshop is my friend. I really need to improve on my technique and utilizing natural light and shadows. I am about to fall asleep on my laptop when Cutter abruptly comes banging on my door.
“Hurry up and get dressed—warmly. Hurley and Brianna are downstairs waiting in his truck. We’re going sledding.”
“You do realize that it is 25 degrees outside and dark, right?” I roll my neck around popping and cracking my shoulder muscles to relieve some of the stress from sitting and staring at my computer screen all day.
“Yeah, and your point is? Come on, woman, we have inner tubes to race.”
I rise from the couch and do a little stretching and yawning. “Okay I am getting my ass in gear.” I rush to my room and put on a pair of pantyhose. Next, I add a tank top, two pairs of socks, a thermal, jeans, and an oversized hooded sweatshirt. I slip into my boots and grab some gloves and a toboggan from my hall closet.
Brianna is pressed up against Hurley inside of the cab of the truck.
I peek in the bed of the truck and sure enough, they have sleds and inner tubes strapped down. I have to admit that part of me is really excited to go play in the snow. Cutter gets in the truck next to Brianna and I have to sit in his lap. Good thing the roads are bad enough not even the cops are out. We would get slapped with a huge fine for sure. Hurley has chains on the tires of his pick up even though it is four-wheel drive.
“So where are we headed?” I ask with curiosity, because there aren’t many great places to go that aren’t on private land.
Brianna tells me that we are going to Firestone Construction. It is an abandoned property that was bought to be strip-mined but the company tanked before they ever touched the land. I have to agree that it is the perfect spot. There are enough rolling hills and open spaces we can have a great time.
There is a huge clearing in the center of the property, so like all boys with big trucks Hurley wants to do donuts. “Better hold on tight, girls, don’t want either of you flying through the windshield.” Hurley laughs as he revs his engine. Then he really gives it the gas before fishtailing us.
He stops for a minute to pop open a can of beer, but not before reaching us all one. I don’t condone drinking and driving, but we are young, dumb and free. What the hell, you only live once, right?
We all agree on a hill to sled down. The guys decide to turn it into a competition to see who can make it to the bottom the quickest. Imagine that. Brianna and I watch from the sidelines nursing our beers.
This is exactly what I should be doing, out enjoying the world with great friends. It is days like these that I don’t feel the poison taking over my life. I feel like maybe there can be life after Harlan. That maybe everything doesn’t have to be all in vain. I still love Harlan, I miss him every day. However, a big part of me thinks that just maybe it is okay to open my heart up and allow Cutter to have a place in it as well.
It doesn’t necessarily mean that I love Harlan any less.
I am broken from my epiphany by Cutter tackling me into a pile of snow. “Babe, your nose is cold, how about another beer to warm you up.”
Cutter goes down to the truck to get me another drink and comes back with fireworks instead.
“Woo, hell yeah,” Hurley calls out ending in a belch.
Eww, glad I am not Brianna having to kiss that mouth.
“Real attractive.” Brianna smacks at him playfully as he grabs her by the waist and twirls her around.
The guys are such little boys when it comes to the firecrackers. Their eyes light up like Christmas as they shoot off the roman candles.
I walk down to the truck to get a cigarette and another beer. I check the time on my cell phone it is nearly one a.m. I am feeling tipsy but exhausted at the same time. I look up the hill at my friends running around in the snow having a snowball fight under the glow of the moon. Life couldn’t be any better in this moment. I finally feel freed, somewhat.
Maybe it is the beer talking, but maybe I want more than a year.
Drunken Cutter has very loose lips. He has told me in my ear he loves me twice now on the ride home. I am going to blame it on the alcohol. How can he possibly think he loves me? I have always heard that people tell the truth when they are drunk, but whoever came up with the saying has got to be sadly mistaken.
Drunken Cutter is also very touchy feely, which I like, a lot. He is trying so hard to break through the layers of clothes I am wearing, and it is so cute that he is pissed about it and pouting.
Cutter gave the keys to his apartment to Brianna and Hurley for the night. The roads are getting pretty slick and with how much we have all been drinking, they don’t need to be on the roads anymore tonight. I take my sloppy, loose lipped, kind of boyfriend home with me.
He passes out on my couch before I even get his boots off his feet.
Ugh, he is like dead weight. It takes me nearly a half hour to undress him from his wet clothes. I run down to his apartment, before Hurley and Brianna pass out or start doing other things, so I can grab Cutter some dry clothes.
I grab a t-shirt and ball shorts that are lying on his bed. I open up his dresser to find some socks, but all I am finding in this drawer are his boxer briefs. I open the second drawer and jackpot, socks. But socks aren’t the only thing I find in his drawer. There are papers about his sister’s disappearance, newspaper clippings, have you seen this child posters. There is a manila file, but I don’t want to intrude on his privacy any more than I have already, so I snap the drawer shut and say goodnight to Brianna and Hurley.
Waking up the next morning in Cutter’s arms is such a good feeling, I feel safe. I have been weeks now without any contact or vibes from Harlan. Am I moving on and letting part of him go, or is it the increase in my medication doing its job? Was I imagining everything that was happening with Harlan? Did I create it all within my mind because I yearned so deeply for him?
“Morning, beautiful,” Cutter grumbles in my ear, hugging me closer.
“How are you feeling? My head is pounding. I need caffeine.” I roll out from under his hold on me. “I like to have never gotten you in the bed with me last night and you were snoring something vicious.”
“At least I don’t sleep with eyes half open like I am dead,” he says, then yawns before throwing a pillow at me. “How did I get into these clothes?”
I tell him all about his passing out on the couch on me, how I was thoughtful enough to go to his place to get him clean, dry clothes.
Instead of saying thank you, he seems irritated that I was in his apartment.
“Why were you in my drawers, Bella? What did you see?” I can’t tell if it is anger or hurt that is flashing in his eyes, but the look he just gave me is pissing me off.
“Damn, Cutter. I didn’t touch anything. A simple thank you would suffice. I’m not some nosy ass snoop. I didn’t touch your things. Just your underwear and socks.” I cross my arms over my chest. Asshole. I don’t wait for a response. Instead, I stomp my way into the kitchen and start my coffee maker. Fuck that, I didn’t do anything wrong.
“I didn’t mean to give you a death glare, honest. I have a surprise for you for Christmas, I was just afraid you may have seen it when you were in my drawers is all.” He crosses the room and hugs my waist from behind, resting his head on my shoulder. “I don’t want to fight with you, okay?”
“You mentioned a surprise. That may soften me up some.” I bat my lashes at him trying to be seductive while begging with my eyes.
“Oh no you don’t, it doesn’t work like that.”
“But you did say that you love me last night. And if you love me you want me to be happy, right?” I pout my bottom lip out at him.
“I said that last night?” he looks confused, like he is concentrating so hard on remembering. I could use this fact to my advantage and screw with him. I should quit while I am ahead, but I don’t. “It was really cute. It’s okay, Cutter, you love me. No need to be embarrassed. I mean, I am pretty loveable.” I give him a naughty wink and go back to making my coffee.
Cutter starts to add more to the conversation, but there is a knock at my door before he is able to get the words out.
“Please tell me you have coffee.” Brianna comes into the kitchen massaging her temples. “Have you looked outside this morning, it really is a winter wonderland.”
I hand her the cup I had just poured for myself and go look out the window in the hall outside of my door that overlooks the parking lot. Dang, I can barely make out the shape of my car. Looks like Hurley and Brianna might be stuck with us for at least another day, until the salt trucks have run and cleared the main roads.
I am supposed to have a session with Dr. Peters this morning, but there is no way I can make it to his office. I receive a text from him that he wants me to call him. Cutter is going to his place for a bit to shower and change. Hurley goes with Cutter to his apartment. I think he needs a little space from Brianna; she sticks to his side like glue.
Brianna is making use of my bathroom, so I tell her I am going to my room for a bit that I have some final changes to put on my brochure project before I email the finished product to my professor.
Locking my bedroom door, I turn my flat screen on that hangs on the wall across from my bed. I don’t want Brianna to hear me on the phone with my shrink. The walls in these apartments are paper-thin. I open my closet, sit in the floor and call Alex. I tell him about the epiphany I had last night about my medication and my feelings towards my situation with Harlan.
We talk about my being able to accept that Harlan is gone and whether or not I live a happy and full life, or a sad and miserable existence can never change the fact that he is gone and never coming back. Our call ends on a good note with him telling me how proud he is of the progress I have made these past few months. He says we will discuss my taking my relationship with Cutter to the official boyfriend level during my next session.
I wish we could have phone sessions more often. It was so much easier talking to him over the phone than it is face to face.