The desire to talk to David was stronger than any pill I had taken with Harry. I had listened to his song on loop last night, falling asleep with him singing in my ear and waking up to his heartfelt lyrics. In my groggy state, I almost believed he was here.

Having never met David’s parents, I didn’t have their number. It was just one of those things I never really considered needing. They lived in London, and I was someone they would meet one day. So that really only left me with one solution. I needed to see Harry.

I’m not sure what I expected. I had never been to a rehab facility before. I imagined something out of One flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest, but it was rather… cheery. There were gardens outside where people were walking, and they all wore regular clothes. Aside from the wrist bands, it could have been the clinic on campus.

I went over to the desk and inquired about Harry. I expected to be shown to a room, but they told me to have a seat and they would get him for me. I sat down, wondering who would greet me. Would it be Harry who was mean? The one who called me a whore? The man who professed his love like a child and only asked that I love him in return? Would it be someone so drugged up he didn’t recognize me? I hoped it would be my friend.

“Kristen? What are you doing here?” I looked up and saw Harry. He was wearing a very worn Yankees cap, a grey shirt, and a pair of jeans. The surprise on his face couldn’t be masked, but I wasn’t sure if he was happy to see me or embarrassed that I had come. Regardless, he looked better than I had hoped.

“I wanted to know if you had David’s new number.”

“Oh.” His face fell, and I knew I had hurt his feelings, but considering how our last encounter had gone down, did it matter?

“They took my phone when I checked in. I don’t get my stuff until my time is up. I’m in here for ninety days.”

“Oh,” I said again, not sure how I felt about that. “When the nurse told me you checked in she said it would only be a few weeks. A month tops.”

“Yes, well my parents came that day, and my mom wanted me to only do a few weeks and come back home, but I can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’ve been through this before, Kris. I have another chance, and I don’t want to mess up. I want to live without a crutch.” My bottom lip quivered with emotion. There had been so much anger attached to Harry. My friends looked at him like a disease and I was at risk of infection. I almost believed them. But Harry was more a threat to himself than to me. He had an addiction, and I now saw the roots of his problem ran deeper than I had imagined.

“Yeah, I’m really sorry you came over here for nothing. If I knew his number by heart I’d rattle it off to you, but I never really paid it any attention. Gotta love smart phones.”

I could leave now, or I could try to make sense of the nonsense. Harry was all alone in here, but maybe he didn’t have to be. “It doesn’t have to be for nothing. I think we should talk. Can you go for a walk?”

His expression lifted. “Yeah. Yeah, I can.”

There was a garden in the back and some areas for recreational activities like a basketball court. I sat down on a bench near a rose bush. Harry sat down, careful to put some distance between us.

“The way you acted that night—” I began, no need for ceremonies.

His body became rigid, a flare of fear in his blue eyes. “Kris, I try so damn hard to replay that night in my mind. It’s just flashes. I’m scared to even ask you what happened.” He pushed up his glasses and stole a glance at me. “Did I hurt you?”

“You hurt me emotionally, not physically.”

My words didn’t soften the blow. Confirmed he had hurt me in some form he pulled down the brim of his hat. I think if he could have the ground swallow him whole he would have gladly accepted. “I can still hear you telling me to stop.” He was shaking. I swallowed recalling all too well what his kisses felt like on my neck. The crazed look in his eyes. The absence of the man I had trusted. “But I didn’t.” Harry dropped his face into his hands. “I’m so ashamed.”

His legs were jittery, bouncing up and down to try and regain composure as his imagination got the best of him. We were both there, but only I knew the truth, and I didn’t think I could reassure him to believe he was anything shy of a monster that night. He looked up at me and took a slow, deliberate breath. “I know an apology can’t take back that night. But… I am so, so sorry.”

I only nodded in response. I didn’t want to say it was okay. Because his behavior wasn’t okay. It was still a blur of emotion for me. It wasn’t a black and white situation; it had vivid shades of grey. “So you’ve gone through this before?”

“Yes. It’s my second time going through the process. Last time I did twenty-eight days, and I felt ready to leave, but when I did, it was rough out there. I was good though. I was good for years. Until recently. Again, I’m so sorry.”

Already getting tired of hearing his apology, I nodded, allowing this information to absorb. “Forgiveness starts with understanding, but I can’t understand what I don’t know. Care to let me in?” I sounded like my shrink.

Harry took a breath. “It’s a long story.”

I leaned back against the bench and crossed my legs. “I’ve got time.”

His mouth twitched, a flicker of a smile present for the first time since he saw me. “All right.” He took a deep breath, leaned back, and began. “Back when I was in New York, I was going to this really fancy culinary school. There were chefs from all over the world studying there, and I was really intimidated. I started obsessing over my dishes and studying like crazy. I knew only the top chefs would continue, and only the best in the class would be recommended to the fancy restaurants in New York. Like I said, the competition was tough, and hours were long. I started taking caffeine pills to stay awake when coffee just wouldn’t do.”

I nodded, not sure how caffeine led to rehab. I poured coffee for people all the time now, guilt free.

“Then, when I came home, my heart was racing like a goddam engine, and I couldn’t slow it down unless I took a sleeping pill,” Harry explained, and I started making connections. “I continued this cycle for a while, running myself ragged just trying to stay on track. There was pressure in school, but mostly it was pressure I was placing on myself. I had this need to be the best. A determination to prove something. See, when I told my family I wanted to be a cook, it was sort of a joke. My father and brother are so blue collar. My dad owns a bike shop, and my brother works with him.” I knew David had bought his bike from his Uncle’s shop. It wasn’t until now that I realized the shop owner was Harry’s father. “I was this delicate flower in their eyes. I couldn’t get my hands dirty. But that wasn’t it, I just wanted to create, not fix. So, I knew I had to make it big, or I’d forever be a joke. The pressure on myself was self-inflicted. The struggle to keep up, a stress I invented. I’m my own worst enemy.” His words struck a nerve. Hadn’t I put so much stress on myself to get into Juilliard, move to the city, and live happily ever after?

“So, sooner or later, the uppers and downers caught up with me, and I started getting really stressed. I saw therapists, and they pumped me up with shit, anti-depressants. I wasn’t depressed. I was stressed, and that stuff just made me more zombie like, which was the last thing I needed. I was at my wits end, searching for a cure, and then I found one.” He ran his hand over the brim of his hat, following the curve, while he exhaled slowly. “A guy at school handed me some opiates, and just like that, the stress was gone. The fear of not being good enough was gone. The inability to sleep, gone. I could take the edge off, mask the anxiety, work, sleep, and study all without breaking stride.”

The first pang of sympathy hit me. I knew how I felt when I had taken the same drug.

“But I started to enjoy how I felt too much. I started drifting, and instead of looking toward my next exam, I started chasing my last perfect high. I became obsessed, and shit fell apart. My parents wanted me out of New York. They rented a small summer house in Pennsylvania in an attempt to get me away from the fast pace of the city. I went to rehab and right about the time I got clean, David was looking to move to the US, but he couldn’t afford the city, so it made sense for the both of us to just remain in Pennsylvania.”

“Did David know about how bad it got with you?” For some reason this was important to me.

“He heard stories but never saw it firsthand. David knew I was out of rehab, but I was doing good. I had followed the steps and was making a life for myself here. Not a great one, but a life nonetheless.” He ran his teeth over his bottom lip.

“I still had a stash. It was my crutch. No one knew about it, not even David. I would often take it down, look at it and smile, reminding myself of how I had beat my addiction. But that night you came over, and you couldn’t sleep. I just wanted to help you.” His gaze locked on mine, his sapphire eyes sad. “You have to understand something, Kris. I always had a thing for you.” His voice shook as he admitted what I already knew. “I’m pretty sure that was obvious. But I would never cross a line with my cousin. I respected him and your relationship, but when he left you were hurting, and I thought I had everything in control. I thought without the pressures of school, it would be just like having a drink at the bar. I forgot the power these little pills had over me.”

My mouth twitched, not sure how to respond. He thought he could handle the pills. And in his twisted attempt to be my knight in shining armor, he only caused more damage. “But, you didn’t know how I’d react!” My words were sharp, like a whip snapping us both back into reality. The shock of how far I could have fallen suddenly very apparent. This was what Brit saw weeks ago, and I was only truly realizing it now. His head snapped up. His eyes wide and filled with dread. The shock washed over me as I took a shaky breath and spoke again. “What if I had become addicted too? You took a serious risk. One that wasn’t yours to take.” My voice was calmer now as I regained my composure, reminding myself where we were. That night I took my first pill, I had given him my power, and now it was time to take it back.

“I know, and for that I will never be able to forgive myself.” I knew Harry was drowning in guilt, but I was still confused and didn’t quite know how to process all this new information. 

I crossed my arms. “You know, I thought you left New York over heart break. I assumed it was some tragic love story.”

His eyes softened, his gaze intent upon mine. “No. For me, the tragic love story began when David introduced me to his girlfriend.”

That stung, and it was unfair to put me in this position. “You don’t love me, Harry. You love the idea of me.” I shook my head again, refusing to believe him. “The pills made you feel things… and you associate that euphoria with love.” I said sadly, recalling how I had tried to patch up my heart ache with his pills. Funny how something so tiny could cause such destruction for both of us.

“That’s not true. My feelings for you were always real, Kris. No drug created them.” He spoke with conviction, forcing me to pay attention. “I would like to think we had one pure moment together, just one that belonged to us. But everyone I can recall is tainted with darkness.”

I took a breath, trying to find the words to prove him wrong, but there weren’t any.

“Deep down in my heart I always knew you belonged with David. Even if you were broken up, you’d forever be his girl. I had to accept that. I guess I thought the pills could hide the truth. Make us forget.” He forced a laugh. “At least I know I wasn’t a total dick. When I had full capacity of my senses, I knew enough to respect certain boundaries. Plus, I knew I wasn’t the guy you loved.”

He was right. Having that one moment without the veil of narcotics would still have been a lie because he would have been someone to drown my pain in. Someone to make me forget about David. I hadn’t been ready to move on from David. I still wasn’t.

I sighed, completely worn out from this conversation. Too many truths revealed. Things I wish I had known months ago. But I had to take responsibility as well. I wasn’t exactly innocent either. “You didn’t hold a gun to my head, Harry. I made my own choices, too. Horrible choices, but choices nonetheless. I have to live with the past few months just as you do.”

“That’s so you, Kris. Taking responsibility for my mistakes, but this is all on me.” I opened my mouth to argue, but he continued. “I’m glad you wanted to call David. You deserve a man who will always protect you, not place you in danger.”

I placed a timid hand over his. “The Harry I know, the incredibly talented chef and sweet guy doesn’t need to pop a pill to be amazing, he already is.”

“I wish I could believe that, Kris.”

“I wish you could, too.” I let go of his hand and got up. “I better go.”

“Why do I feel like I may never see you again?” His voice cracked, tugging at my heart one last time.

“If I’ve learned anything it’s this, life is unexpected. You’re right. Our paths may never cross again, but I hope they do.” Drawing in a shaky breath, I forced a smile. “Good-bye, Harry.”

He caught my wrist and looked up at me. Behind his glasses, his eyes were wet with the onset of tears, turning them to a shade of cobalt. He stood up and stepped closer. “Kris, I know I was a mess that night. I said a lot of things. But there was one thing I said that I meant.” He pressed his lips together tightly, taking a breath as if it would give him courage. “I have loved you from the first moment I saw you. You were my dream. And I became your nightmare.” He paused, and my heart trembled from his confession. “I will spend the rest of my life regretting what I did to you.”

In that moment, I forgave him. But I didn’t say the words. Instead, I raised my palm to the side of his cheek, and he leaned into my touch, eyes closed in a moment of unhindered vulnerability. Before I could think it through, I surrendered, brushing my lips against his. The kiss was soft, chaste, yet comforting. It healed the pain between us, becoming the one pure moment we never had. And I knew in my heart, it was the only one we would ever have. Harry knew, too. He looked at me, eyes wide in surprise but filled with understanding. I squeezed his hand and nodded in silence before breaking free of his touch and walking away.

It was enough. It had to be. There was only so much heartache I could take.