Chapter 7: Gray

I followed her to her motel room and she let me in. It was small but cozy, with gentle floral wallpaper and a soft bed. I watched her sit down on it and she shyly beckoned me to join her. I sat down across from her, cross-legged, leaving a comfortable amount of room between us as not to scare her or make her think I wanted anything other than to talk. For though there was an ache in my body to kiss and touch her, I wanted more than anything to make her comfortable around me again.

There was a slightly awkward silence between us as we just stared at each other, unsure of how to proceed. I drank in each of her features, my eyes settling on her lips for a moment, unable to look away. She’d tasted exactly how I remembered her tasting, kissed just as passionately as she always had with me. I knew, though, that it was her body responding to mine more than anything that made her lips part for my tongue and made her allow me to touch her the way I had. I could tell she wasn’t quite ready for more, and so I pried my eyes from her mouth and met hers.

“Why did you leave me?” she asked. “I thought you loved me. I thought…”

“I did love you, Kat. I do. It’s just that I thought I was protecting you.”

“How?”

I looked down at my hands. “You know what I do, the man I’ve become. I didn’t think it was safe for you to be around me. I didn’t want to drag you into the lifestyle that my father forced me into. It wouldn’t have been fair.”

“So you just left me? In the middle of the night?” she said, her eyes narrowing. I could tell how much hurt I had put her through and it made me ache all over.

“I thought telling you would hurt you worse. I didn’t want you to see me as a monster.”

“I do see you as a monster,” she spat, folding her arms over her chest. “But not because of what you do. You broke my heart. I never loved again, never moved on.”

She sighed. “I’ve been trapped.”

I did reach forward to stroke her cheek with my thumb. I was surprised that she let me.

“So have I, my love. It was the worst mistake I ever made.”

She gazed into my eyes and her face softened into a look of curiosity rather than anger. Relief washed through me.

“Why did you come back, then?” she asked.

“To be with you. I wanted the chance to reconcile. I wanted to make things good between us. We were so good together. I’ve never been as happy as I was then. I never thought I would be again.”

I paused. I wanted to lean forward to kiss her but I would bide my time and take it slow as she needed me to.

“When my father said that I was to marry you, I felt myself come alive again. I know it’s an unconventional situation, but I couldn’t say no anyway. It made sense. It gave me hope.”

She stared at me for a while, chewing on her lip. She took my hand and pressed it to her cheek, closing her eyes for a long moment, as if reveling in the feeling of my skin on hers.

“Do you forgive me, Kat?” I asked softly. “Will you ever be able to forgive me?”

She opened her eyes and studied my face.

“I don’t know, Gray. I really don’t.”

“How can I help?” I asked. “Tell me what I can do. I’ll do anything.”

She thought about it for a moment.

“Just talk to me. Let me know you again.”

I smiled. “I can do that. What would you like to know?”

“Tell me about what you do,” she said.

“I don’t think I sh—“

“Tell me,” she said again, more gently this time. “Please.”

I sighed and took her hand, holding it between us. She didn’t pull away.

“I got my first contract when I was seventeen years old. My father had raised me with the knowledge that I’d be as deep in the business as he was, only I didn’t know that it would involve killing.”

She took a deep breath and squeezed my hand.

“I couldn’t say no. He threatened me, threatened my mother… I had to protect her. So I took contract after contract and stayed as far away from him as I could, only going back to our home to visit my mother every once in a while.”

“Who did you kill?” she asked, and I winced. It seemed counterproductive to be telling her about my life this way and yet she wanted to know. There was no judgment in her voice, no sense of fear.

“Members of rival gangs, mostly,” I told her. “People who’d insulted my father. Never women or children. I need you to believe that. I know the rumors but I don’t know how they started. I promise they’re not true.”

“I believe you,” she said softly. “I do, Gray.”

I let out a sigh of relief. “Thank you.”

“Does it hurt you to talk about this?”

I met her eye. “Yes. But I’ll tell you everything you want to know.”

“Would you quit for me?” she asked.

“I would do anything for you,” I told her honestly. “You can make me perform tricks, if you’d like. I’m a hell of a juggler.”

She laughed, and it sounded like music. It was the first time I’d heard her laugh in years.

“I might take you up on that.”

I brought her hand to my lips and kissed her knuckles. “In all seriousness, Kat, I’m all in. You are my world. If you want to stay in this motel in this tiny town and be a waitress, I’ll stay. If you want to go home, I’ll go with you. Anything you want is yours.”

“Just give me a week,” she said. “Stay with me for a week. I want to trust you again.”

I nodded. It would have been the perfect moment to kiss her and I could tell she wanted it, her eyes half-lidded, lips parted in a question. I stayed where I was, though, and turned her palm over to trace the lines with the tip of my finger. Just playing with her hands sent an electric thrill through my body. If someone had told me a year ago that this is where I’d be at this very moment, I would have scoffed.

“So what have you been up to?” I asked her.

“School, mostly,” she said. “I got my degree in literature. Father said it was a waste but I enjoyed it.”

“It’s not a waste,” I told her. “It’s perfect for you.”

She had always loved to read. Sometimes she’d read to me from whatever book she’d been lost in while I drove on our road trips. Other times she’d read silently while we were lying in bed together and run her hands absentmindedly through my hair. I’d never known anybody to enjoy books as much as she did, and it made me more than happy to know she had followed her passion.

“Thank you,” she said earnestly. “He tried to teach me the business but it didn’t stick. I want nothing to do with it.”

“Nor did I,” I told her.

She looked at me sympathetically. I was so pleased to know that she wasn’t afraid, wasn’t judgmental of what I had been doing all these years. It warmed me to know that she was genuinely giving me a shot despite what I’d done to her.

We talked the rest of the night, the conversation growing more and more relaxed with each passing hour. I told her of my flopped contracts and she told me about school. Eventually, we were lying next to each other in bed, holding hands and looking at the ceiling as we laughed together about anything and everything. It felt so natural to be with her, so right, and I thought to myself that if for some reason she didn’t accept me at the end of this week that I could still run happily on this memory for years to come. Making her laugh was just as good—better, even—than making her moan for me. The sound of it was like spring, flowers blooming, the sun warm and bright. It was late by the time I got up and went to go to the motel room that I’d rented right next door to hers. She looked at me with wide, sweet eyes, and let me kiss her softly on the lips before I took leave of her for the night. I hadn’t wanted to leave, but it was too soon to stay. I wanted to put her completely at ease with me before I made love to her so that it would be languid and gentle and perfect.

I said goodnight and glanced at her smiling face one last time before I closed the door behind me.