12.
Eddie
Lucy is so fucking tight I think I might pass out from the strain. All I want to do is pummel into her. But I hold back, terrified of hurting her, and do with my tongue the things I can’t do with my cock, fucking her mouth frantically as she sucks and moans.
Once I am all the way in I stop again, giving her time to adjust. She is my top priority, my main concern. I can’t hurt her; I can’t lose her. I want her to love this. So much fucking pressure.
“Holy shit, Eddie,” she whispers. “Why does everything with you have to be so big?” I don’t miss the smile on her lips, but I have to check anyway.
“Are you alright? I’m not hurting you, am I?”
With a shake of her head, she smiles. “But if you don’t start moving I might hurt you. Please, Eddie. Please.”
Who am I to refuse a request like that? She gasps as I start to move in and out of her, keeping the pace slow. The way her pussy hugs me feels amazing, like a glove or a glass slipper or something; absolutely perfect. I try different angles, adjusting slightly each time, until I hit the spot that causes her head to fall backwards and that’s the one I stick with.
Panted words of encouragement fall from her lips as I keep thrusting. I can’t take my eyes off her as she undulates with me, her fingers digging in to my back. I’m desperately wracking my brain for any mental block that will stop me from spilling my load too quickly, but honestly, the way I feel right now it’s amazing I’ve lasted this long. Every muscle in my body is tight and throbbing. I can feel the sweat coating my skin from head to toe. I feel so fucking hot. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this good in my entire life.
I want to make this good for Lucy. I need to hold out. I need to last that little bit longer to bring her to the edge. If only I could close my eyes I think I could do it, but I am too selfish. The idea of taking my eyes off this astonishing woman feels like sacrilege. How the fuck did I not see it before?
Despite my best efforts I am thrusting harder and faster now. I am still moving slower than my body wants me to, but my self-control is waning, this needs to happen now. I reach between us and find her clit with my fingers. It only takes the slightest touch and she is screaming, crying out to God, the Devil and everyone between as her orgasm hits. The tightening of her vaginal walls around my cock is too much to bear. I come hard, straining and jerking inside her, even as she twitches and wriggles beneath me. I’ve never felt anything like it. It is ecstasy. It is bliss. It is heaven.
I collapse on top of her, certain that I am dying because my heart has never pounded so hard. I am shaking as I roll off her, but cannot stand to lose the contact of her body against mine. Her skin is so hot and sweaty and she smells like her and sex and me. So I hold her as close as I can to my chest, kissing and licking any small patch of skin on her face that is within my reach. My hands run up and down her back, her body still trembling under my touch.
Once her breathing has returned to normal she sighs. “So that’s what all the fuss is about.”
I shake my head and chuckle. She has no idea how beyond extraordinary that was. “Lucy, if it was like that every time no one would get anything done. Trust me, that wasn’t just sex. That was mind-blowing sex.”
One of her legs hooks around mine and I savor the intimacy. She looks up at me, her eyes still slightly glazed even as she tries to focus on my features. “So I was OK?”
My chuckle grows into a laugh and I pull her even closer to me. “You were beyond OK. You were phenomenal, Luce.”
She blushes and hides her head in the crook of my neck. When she places a small kiss there my heart feels like it is growing. I don’t think I’ve ever been more relaxed or contented.
I find her forehead with my lips and ask, “But how are you? I’m sorry; I got a little carried away there at the end. I didn’t hurt you, did I?” I draw her up so I can see her face.
She kisses me softly. “I’m fine, Eddie. No, scratch that. I’m better than fine. I’m amazing. Perhaps a little sore,” a grin creeps across her face and her eyes sparkle, “but that just means you’re going to have to kiss it better.”
“Really?” Her smile is infectious.
“If you think about it, it’s the least you could do.”
I laugh, “Alright,” and start to move down her body when a tug on my shoulders stops me.
She sighs, “Not now.” Her hands guide my head to her chest and start to massage my scalp. “Now I want to stay like this.” I don’t have to see the smile on her lips when she says, “But you totally owe me,” to know that it’s there.
I don’t know how long we lie like that, her fingers running through my hair. The movement of her chest and the steady rhythm of her heart beneath me are so soothing it’s a wonder I don’t fall asleep.
I stretch out next to her, before taking her hand and leading her across the corridor to the bathroom, throwing away the condom and then cleaning her gently. I would never usually do this. I have never done this, but I want her to feel comfortable and I can’t stop myself from touching her. Lucy seems to feel the same way and I am not complaining. We are joking and she is giggling and looking so sexy.
She squeaks when I lift her and carry her back to bed. I’m amazed by how well she fits into my arms and it doesn’t take long for her to fall asleep next to me.
It’s when she is wrapped around me, her hair soft against my skin, breathing deeply, that I start to panic. I feel suffocated. I can’t sleep like this. She shouldn’t be here. This is meant to be for one night only. Why is she still here?
Because while she was awake I couldn’t let her go. Because she felt so soft and welcoming in my arms and made me laugh and was so much fun. Because I all but asked her to stay.
I know this. I know all of this. But my heart feels like it’s being strangled and I can’t seem to breathe. I’m sweating and it’s not the good kind of sweat. I need to get out of here. There’s not enough distance, there’s not enough space between us. I can’t. I just can’t. If I’m next to her when she wakes up then she might think this is something it isn’t. This isn’t going anywhere. This isn’t going to last. But the longer I lie here, the more I am lying to her.
Even as I roll her away from me, I feel like a coward. I can’t kick her out. I’d have to be a serious douche to kick Lucy out, especially after her first time.
I can’t believe it was her first time. She was incredible and it simply doesn’t seem possible that I’m the first man lucky enough to have sex with her. I can’t just throw her out.
I know what I’m doing is cowardly. I’m running away. It’s what I always fucking do. And yet knowing that doesn’t stop me.
I slip out of bed, pull on a clean pair of boxers and head for the sitting room. I’m not going anywhere. This is my house. But I can’t sleep in this bed. I can’t sleep with her. More importantly, I can’t let her wake up with me.
The sofa’s not ideal, but I’m tired enough that it doesn’t matter. I stretch out across the lumpy dark grey cushions that we inherited from the previous renters, pulling a thin blanket over me. It feels cold and unwelcoming, the polar opposite of the woman who is currently sleeping in my bed.
I’m such a coward.
With a deep breath I close my eyes, resolved to talk to her in the morning. I’ll make her breakfast and explain to her that even though it was amazing, it probably shouldn’t happen again. She means too much to me, she is too good a friend to me to lose. It’ll be fine. Lucy’s smart. She’ll understand.
◆◆◆
The slam of the front door wakes me and it takes me a moment to remember why I’m sleeping on the sofa.
Lucy.
I sit bolt upright, terrified that I have missed my chance to explain, that she has left already, when Alex comes barreling into the front room. Relief fills me; of course it was Alex slamming the door. Lucy’s probably still asleep. Or at least she was before Alex came home.
“Why the fuck are you sleeping on the sofa?” Alex’s voice is like a fog horn and I try to shush him.
“Shut up, dude. She’s asleep.”
He looks confused but is no quieter when he asks, “Who’s asleep?”
“Lucy,” I hiss, glancing towards the hall and my bedroom door. “So shut the fuck up.”
“Lucy?” he whispers, his eyes wide as he plonks himself on the arm of the sofa. “Oh my god! Did you screw Lucy?”
For a moment I’m not sure how to respond.
Nothing about last night felt like screwing, or fucking for that matter. At least, not the way I’ve experienced it before. But that’s irrelevant. The question is do I really want to tell Alex about something that was so intimate to me and probably even more so for Lucy. It was her first time. She’s not going to want me talking to everyone about it. We shared something special, and I’m not going to spoil that by being a gossip.
“She stayed over. I slept on the sofa and she is probably still asleep in my bed, or would be if you hadn’t been so bloody noisy.”
He snorts and stands up. “Unlikely.”
“What?” I’m instantly insulted. Whether or not I had sex with Lucy, the fact that my best friend doesn’t believe me hurts. “You don’t think I could be a gentleman?”
“No, dude.” He shakes his head. “Unlikely that she’s still asleep in your bed as I saw her about half an hour ago in town.”
“You… I’m sorry? What?” I can’t believe my ears. Standing, I rush through the house, ignoring Alex’s wolf whistle at my half-naked appearance. I come to a stop outside my bedroom, trying to remember whether I left the door ajar or not. I don’t think I did, but it’s certainly partially open now. Hesitantly I push the door. Sunshine streams through the window onto a neatly made, empty bed.
She… she left. She didn’t say goodbye or anything. She just… left.
It hurts. I don’t know why, but the pain is sharp and intense. It must just be that feeling of missed opportunity; I didn’t have a chance to explain. I didn’t get to make her breakfast. That’s what this is, this hurt. It’s just regret at something I didn’t get to do properly. That’s all.
I should be relieved anyway. I’m a coward. I always have been. I should be relieved that I don’t have to have that conversation. It would have been awkward anyway. I would have told her that I didn’t think we should have sex again and she would have been upset. Maybe she would have pretended not to be, maybe she would have cried. Either way it would have been horrible. This way, I get to avoid it. I don’t have to see the hurt in her eyes when I tell her that I just wasn’t built for long term relationships, that it’s not her it’s me. I don’t like the idea of causing her pain, and seeing it would have been one hundred times worse.
But Lucy knows me too well. She saved me from having to have that conversation. She left before I was even awake so as to save me from myself. She knows I don’t do long term relationships. She understands what this is. She probably doesn’t want a relationship like that with me anyway. She only wanted to lose her virginity. She told me as much. This was never about me; it was about sex. And she’s done that now. And I’m lucky because she chose me to do it with.
Right?
So why do I feel so shitty?
The pain in my chest increases, but I don’t move. I keep staring at my bed. It’s like a disaster movie that I just can’t look away from. I’m still standing in my doorway, staring at my bed when I feel Alex’s hand on my shoulder.
“You fucked her, didn’t you?”
I don’t answer. I know I don’t need to. He already knows.
“I shouldn’t have slept with her,” I mutter as I fall backwards onto my bed. Her scent immediately floods me and I groan, throwing my arm over my face as if it would block it out. But, of course, it doesn’t. Nor does it stop the pain in my chest. Or the idea that she only wanted me for sex, that she used me. That’s it, I feel used. But this is what we agreed to. What the hell is wrong with me? “Fucking pathetic.”
I feel the bed shift as Alex sits down. “Firstly, you very clearly didn’t sleep with her if she was in here and yet somehow you ended up on the sofa. And secondly, I seriously doubt the sex was that bad. She must have at least tired you out, you’ve slept until almost 1pm.”
Bad? 1pm? What the hell? I sit up slowly, leaning back on my hands and glaring at Alex’s grinning face. “What do you want?” I know what he wants. He wants me to dish. And normally I wouldn’t mind too much. I wouldn’t go into details, but what’s wrong with sharing a couple of highlights. Normally, that would be fine. But not this time. I’m not sharing anything about last night. I’m not sharing Lucy.
The thought hits me faster than a speeding bullet and catches me completely by surprise. I’m not sharing Lucy. Of course it’s ridiculous. She’s not a thing and she’s not mine to share. But that doesn’t mollify this sudden possessiveness that has gripped me.
“She was that bad, huh?”
He’s pushing my buttons and I know it, but that doesn’t stop me wanting to punch him. I fist the duvet beneath my hands to stop myself from doing something I’ll regret and fail to stifle a growl.
Alex is clearly not expecting that kind of reaction because he is suddenly stepping away from the bed and staring at me. “Dude, seriously. Calm down. I was kidding.”
“Don’t.”
His hands are in front of him in a part submissive, part defensive stance. “Yeah, OK. I’m getting that.” Alex’s eyes narrow as he examines me. “This is something different, isn’t it?”
His question catches me by surprise. “What?”
“I thought you were just tired. Or hung-over maybe. Or perhaps just being a grumpy arsehole. But I’ve seen you be all three at once and even that’s not what this is, is it?” He’s talking slowly, gauging my reactions. I can almost see the cogs turning. “So what’s different?”
“I’ve no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Yeah, yeah you do.” He’s pointing at me now, his defensiveness dropping away. “What is it?”
I collapse backwards onto the bed again, staring up at the ceiling as if it holds the answer. The problem is, I know what’s different. I’ve been saying it over and over and over to myself all night. I want it to be something else, anything else. But the ceiling doesn’t hold the answer. And I know that Alex isn’t going to let this go.
“It’s Lucy,” I say softly.
“Holy shit.”
I nod, not needing to see the shock on his face.
“Lucy?”
“Yeah.”
“Shit.”
“Yup.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know.”
“Are you going to tell her?”
“Tell her?” I sit up. “Tell her what?”
“Tell her that you’re in love with her, numbnuts!” Alex frowns at me as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
“I’m not in love with her, fuckface. I just…” There’s no way to finish that sentence.
“Fine. Then are you going to tell her ‘how you feel’ about her?”
“How am I supposed to do that when I have no fucking clue how I feel about her?”
He sighs in sympathy. “Shit.”
“Yeah.”
Shit doesn’t even cover it. Shit doesn’t begin to come close. I mean, it’s Lucy for fuck’s sake. Something Alex said finally hits home and I look over at him. “What do you mean you saw her in town half an hour ago?”
He shrugs. “She was having lunch with Mills.”