24.
Eddie
I miss Lucy so much. I miss the way that she felt when I held her close to me, the way that she just seemed to fit in my arms. I miss her laughter and her smile. I miss the conversations we used to have about everything and anything. I knew she was important to me but I had no idea how integral she’d become.
I fucked up. I know I fucked up, but I can’t figure out how. I don’t know what I could have done differently given the circumstances. I should have held her longer. I shouldn’t have freaked out every time she got close. I should have slept with her in my arms as many times as possible. I didn’t even know I liked waking up next to someone until that morning that I woke up next to her.
The cushion flies through the air and hits me hard in the face. I sit up and glare at Alex who is grinning at me. “What the hell was that for?”
He ignores my question. “Get up, tosser. We’re going out.”
“You might be going out. I’m not going anywhere.“ I fall back onto my bed and pull the cushion over my face.
“Get up, Ed. Or face the consequences.”
This time I ignore him and less than five seconds later I hear him sigh.
“Just know that you brought this on yourself.”
Cold water hits me and I am bolt up right. “What. The. Fuck?”
He’s still grinning as he shrugs. “I tried to warn you, dude. Now get up. We’re going out and I’m not taking no for an answer.”
At this moment in time I really hate my housemate. I don’t understand why he’s putting me through this. I thought he understood what I was going through, but once again I was mistaken.
“I’m serious. Get up or I’ll go and fill another bucket. Maybe I’ll even add some ice this time.”
I hold up my hands in defeat and glare at him. “I’m up. I’m up.” Stumbling up and out of bed I make my way towards him. “Where are we going anyway? I thought you’d be with Elizabeth.”
He shakes his head. “Nah, she had a thing.” As soon as I’m within range he slaps a hand across my back. “Tonight, my friend, we’re going to paint the town red. Get you out of this slump you’ve been in for far too fucking long. Enough is enough. Tonight we’re going to get you laid.”
Alex doesn’t listen to my protests and in the end I stop protesting. I don’t want to get laid. I want Lucy. But I know that’s not going to happen. I thought when I left that day that there was still a chance, that I could still hope one day she’d tell me she wanted me too. Seven weeks without a word from her have pretty much drilled it in to me that it’s never going to happen. I can be stubborn but I’m not stupid.
By the time we get to the Royale I’m already trollied and well on my way to being completely smashed. I figure it’s the only way I’m going to get through this evening. Just because Alex is making me socialise doesn’t mean he can make sure I’m sober while I do it.
I prove that point as soon as we get to the bar by ordering a couple of jaeger bombs and an extra pint. As the self-appointed driving force behind this travesty of a night out, Alex accepts the jaeger bomb I pass him and downs the concoction with me on my count. It’s fucking disgusting, but I am more or less too drunk to care. The perfect amount.
The club is full and there seems to be some kind of warped neo-nineties theme going on. Teenagers wearing double denim and thirty-somethings dressed like Pokemon litter the dance floor while the DJ churns out the barrel scrapings of 90s pop. I stare mindlessly at the crowd, watching a guy dressed like Mr Burns grind awkwardly against Hello Kitty, while Will Smith insists that everyone get jiggy with it.
I’m about to take another sip of my pint when I feel a hand on my arm. “Eddie?”
I don’t need to look to know she’s stood next to me. “Luce.” Her brown eyes are calling me and I turn slowly towards them. They’re like beacons, sirens, pulling me towards them. She’s swaying slightly. Or maybe that’s me. My feet don’t feel all that steady and her expression is more concerned than tipsy. “You’re here.”
A small smile forms on the corner of her lips and I instinctively reach for it. She catches my finger before it makes contact with her face. “You’re a mess.”
I nod solemnly. “True.” Very true. “You should tell Alex.” I turn to where I left my friend to find him absent. “Bastard,” I mutter as I turn back.
“What?”
“Not you.” I blink at her, trying to focus.
She sighs and takes my hand. “Come on, trouble. We should probably talk.”
I dutifully follow behind her, watching the subtle swing of her jet black hair as she moves effortlessly through the crowd. I’m not prepared for this, but when I look for my pint it’s not there. My palms are sweating but she doesn’t let go of my hand, holding me firm until we are outside.
“Alex is a bastard.” I say, possibly too loudly from the way she spins around to look at me. But she needs to understand. He is a tosspot and a wanker and complete bastard. “Alex is an utter wankpot… a baster… a wank…” My words are failing me, and I can feel the frustration building up inside me. Lucy’s here. She’s here and she’s talking to me. And my words are fucking failing. “You’re here.”
Lucy’s hand rests on my arm, calming me. She has a small smile on her face that I just want to kiss. Instead I find myself reaching for it again and once more she catches my hand before I can touch her lips. Her hands trap mine on her lap, and I briefly wonder when we sat down on this bench. Before I can question it further she says, “Why is Alex a wankpot?”
“He…” I try to wave a hand, to expand on my Alex is a bastard theory, but she has them firmly caught and I don’t pull hard enough to escape. I don’t want to escape.
I take a deep breath. “He wants me laid, but you… you’re Lucy…” Her words have haunted me since her birthday. As though she could be anyone’s bit on the side. Now is my chance to explain. “You’re my bit.” I smile at her, but when she doesn’t return it I let it fall.
“You’re my bit,” I say again. “Lucy.” Her name feels good on my tongue and I say it again, leaning towards her, “Luce.”
She shakes her head. “You’re drunk, Eddie. You’re talking nonsense.”
“No,” I have to make her see. “You’ve always been my bit.” She frowns at the word so I try a different one. “Not bit. Not bit. You’re my whole. I just didn’t know. But I was stupid.”
“Your hole?”
I nod, but I can tell she doesn’t get it.
“I’m going to go, Eddie.” She stand to leave but I refuse to let go of her hands, standing up with her. “Are you going to be alright getting home? I can call you a taxi?”
“No.”
Her eyebrow cocks sceptically. “No?”
I shake my head. “I’ll walk you home.”
She almost laughs. “Seriously, Eddie. You can barely walk yourself home, let alone anyone else. You should be more concerned about getting home in one piece. It’s not that late. I’ll be fine.”
I keep hold of her hands. “No. Lucy, you’re my whole. I’ll walk you home.”
She looks at me for a moment, and I feel a little like I’m on trial. Eventually she drops one of my hands and starts walking. “Alright, Galahad. Let’s go home. You can crash on my sofa.” In that moment I feel like the most important man in the world, walking down the road, holding her hand. I feel like a king.
◆◆◆
Lucy
I’d never seen Eddie that drunk before. But in fairness, I’d never been the one going home with him at the end of the night before. Not that it was that late. It was barely 11pm. But he was properly wasted. He smelt rough and as he walked me home he adopted a staggering strut with his chest puffed out. He sort of reminded me of a tipsy chicken.
Damn him, but he was cute with it. Not sexy, but definitely cute. I had to pull him out of the road and various other obstacles several times. Each time he beamed at me, murmured my name and gave my hand a squeeze. And each time it made my heart skip a little bit. He made me feel special.
Admittedly it took twice as long as it normally would, and getting a taxi wasn’t an option. I’d suggested it, but as soon as he was standing it was obvious no driver would have taken him. I was genuinely surprised that he didn’t vomit, there’s no way that a taxi would have risked it. But I didn’t mind the walk.
Eddie wasn’t exactly his usually witty self. He was very stuck on ‘holes’ and ‘bits’ and despite my best efforts I couldn’t make any sense of it. He gave up eventually and went back to talking about Alex, albeit distractedly.
By the time we reached my front door he had walked off a lot of the alcohol and was considerably more with it than he had been. I was about to open the door when he tugged on my hand. “Lucy?”
I turned to look at him and the way that he was standing brought my eyes in line with his. He was smiling at me and I felt my resolve weakening. I’d told myself that we would talk it out, find a way to be friends again. But he kept doing little things, like that bloody smile, and I’d forget all of my good intentions.
And just as he had every single time I felt myself melting, Eddie reached for my face. It was as though he knew. It felt like he could see the chink in my armour. This time I didn’t stop him. The large warm pad of his finger gently touched the corner of my lips sending heat flooding through me.
“I love your smile.” His voice was soft and deep and gorgeous but his words broke the spell. I couldn’t hear him talk about love so casually. Not then, not feeling about him the way that I did and knowing that he didn’t feel the same way.
I stepped backwards and his expression clouded. “Come on,” I said, forcing a smile. “Let’s get you inside and get some water in you. You’re going to have the mother of all hangovers in the morning.”
I opened the door and grabbed his arm, trying to pull him in after me, but he resisted. When I turned back to him, he was frowning at me. “I should go.”
“Eddie-“
His hand was on my face, cutting me off. “You’re so amazing.” He was so softly spoken, his fingers brushed slowly across my cheek. I’m not even sure if he knew he was speaking out loud. “I’m such an arse. I didn’t deserve a chance… But you were so… so…” He breathed out, “bloody wonderful. Then I fucked it up anyway. And just when I thought I’d found you.”
His hand fell from my face and before I could find the words to ask him what he’d meant he was walking away. His hands pushed deep into his pockets and he looked so miserable it actually hurt. At the end of my garden path he turned back. He stared at me for a long minute and I couldn’t take my eyes off him. Finally he said, “Goodnight, love,” and left.