16.
Eddie
I’m lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling when my phone rings. I have definitely spent more time in the last 5 days staring at this ceiling than I have in the previous five years of living here. And still it holds no bloody answers.
Stephen is clearly into Lucy and she was flirting back so it’s only fair to presume she’s into him too. And however much the idea of that makes me want to scream and shout there isn’t anything I can do about it. We both agreed that what we had was a one-night thing. And even if I wanted more than that with her and she felt the same way, I still wouldn’t be in the position to give her what she deserves.
My phone rings again and I answer without looking at it. “Hello?”
“Hey, Eddie.”
“Luce?” My heart is suddenly in my mouth. “What’s up?”
“I need to ask you something.”
There’s something in her voice that makes me sit up and pay attention. “Sure. Shoot.”
“Can you forgive me?”
What? “For what?”
“For being such an arse today.”
A surprised laugh escapes me as I ask, “What the hell are you talking about, Frost?”
“You know what I’m talking about. Listen, are you free right now? Or are you actually being a pensioner and getting an early night?”
“I’m free.” I’m smiling because I can’t help it. What is she up to?
“Right, I’m kidnapping you.” There’s a determination in her voice that is sexy as hell. “Come on.”
“Come on?” I say dumbly.
“Yeah, I’m outside. Come on.”
She’s outside?
She’s outside.
What is going on? I’m sat on the end of my bed trying to process what’s happening right now. It’s barely 9pm but it’s still later than I’d normally meet up with her. What could she possibly-
“Come the fuck on, Eddie!”
Right. “I’ll be right out.”
When I open the front door, she’s there, leaning against my garden wall. She stands up when she sees me, and smiles. It feels so good to see her smiling at me. I can’t help but grin. I reach the end of the path and she throws her arms around me. Her body is warm and soft and she smells so good.
“I’m so sorry. I was such a dick earlier.” She’s talking quickly, her breath hot on my neck as I hold her to me. “You were such a good friend to me last week, so kind and thoughtful, and I’m just a massive shit.”
I laugh, lifting her up slightly before dropping her back onto her feet. “Why do you think you’re a shit?”
She holds me tighter. “I’m sorry about this evening. I was trying not to make it awkward and instead I made it worse. I missed you tonight.” Relief. I feel an overwhelming sense of relief.
“Hey,” I say, pulling her back so that I can see her face. “You’re not a shit.” My hands are on her neck, thumbs stroking her jaw, loving the soft skin I find there. “You’re amazing, Luce. And I’m just glad you’re not mad at me. I missed you too.” I don’t tell her that I’ve been missing her all week. She doesn’t need to know.
Her smile lights up her entire face and it makes me feel warm inside. I let her go, because if I don’t then I will kiss her and I can’t guarantee that I’ll ever stop. Just the thought of her lips on mine is sending all my blood rushing to my cock.
But she doesn’t let me get away that easily. Her palm slips into my hand, her fingers entwine with mine and she leads me down the road. A week ago we would never have walked like this and I am surprised at how relaxed I feel in spite of that.
Lucy’s here with me, just the two of us. No Stephen to get in the way and no awkwardness. She’s not asking me for anything, she’s just being. And she’s letting me touch her. How could I not be relaxed? How could I not be happy?
The night is nice and it’s still reasonably light, but being a Thursday there’s not really anyone around. The world seems still. It’s as though everything is at peace. It’s one of those perfect moments. Everything is just the way it’s meant to be.
Which is, of course, ridiculous. We’re not ‘meant to be’. There’s no such fucking thing as ‘meant to be’. I don’t believe in fate and destiny and all that bull shit. It’s about the here and now. I don’t do forever, I don’t do always and I certainly don’t do everlasting. There’s nothing ‘meant to be’ about Lucy and I holding hands. Nothing at all.
In fact, what the hell am I thinking? Or should that be what am I thinking with? Clearly not with my brain. I need to stop this before I get carried away. My train of thought is already disturbing. I need to shut this fucker down before I am lost for good! I need t-
“Eddie,” Lucy squeezes my hand and I am back with her, breath re-filling my lungs once more. “I don’t think I really said it before so I wanted to say it now.”
She stops and I realise we are walking through the park. I hadn’t been paying attention to where we were going but we must be taking the shortcut through the park back to her house. I know this path like the back of my hand; I should have noticed it sooner.
Lucy pulls me off the path, and we sit on one of the wooden benches, still holding hands. The sun is setting behind us and it casts a beautiful glow over her pale skin. She seems almost otherworldly. Her hands pull mine into her lap and she traces my knuckles with her finger. I try to smother the levels of concern that are rising inside me. She doesn’t want to look at me, that doesn’t mean she has anything bad to say. Not necessarily. Not at all.
“I just…” She sighs and looks up at me, her fingers still drawing patterns on the backs of my hands. “I just wanted to thank you.”
I blink, confused. “For what?”
“For Saturday night.”
I smile softly. “Are you really thanking me for having sex with you?” That beautiful blush of hers rises on her cheeks, the same blush that covered her when I had my tongue on her clit.
“Hell, Lucy. I should be thanking you. Honestly, it was one of the most memorable nights of my life.” I shake my head. “But that’s not the point. As long as we both had a good time, I don’t think either of us should be thanking the other for it. It’s like giving someone a present and thanking them for opening it, you know?”
“But, Eddie, I-“
“Did you have a good time?”
“Of course. But-“
“Good. So did I. No need to thank anyone, alright?”
She nods slowly, “Alright,” and I smile as she goes back to looking at our hands in her lap.
A thought occurs to me that hasn’t before. I’ve felt it gestating in the back of my mind, but something about the way she is tonight, so innocent and beautiful, make me think of it and suddenly I have to know. I know it’s a bad idea to ask as the words are leaving my mouth, but I have to know.
“Why now?”
She looks up at me. “What?”
“I understand you wanting to lose your virginity, and honestly, I’m still surprised you…” better not to finish that sentence. “Well, anyway, I get all of that. And I understand you wanting to have sex. Everyone wants to have sex, that’s the way we’re programmed. Well, most people.” I sigh, trying to think of a nice way of phrasing what I’m trying to say. “I guess, what I mean is. I understand you wanting to lose your virginity, but you’d gone 25 years without losing it, and yet seemed suddenly very determined to lose it as quickly as possible. So, my question is why now? What changed?”
She is looking at me, a small crease appears between her eyebrows as she shakes her head. “You don’t want to know.”
I run my thumb across the back of her hand, not letting her gaze leave mine. “Lucy, you are my friend. Of course I want to know.”
Her teeth bite down into her lower lip and I can see the cogs turning. I don’t move, barely breath, scared I’m going to spook her. Eventually she says, “It’s my birthday on Sunday. I’m going to be 26.”
I nod at the statement that seems so out of the blue. “I know.” I’ve bought her a birthday present over a month ago. It’s sitting in the bottom of my wardrobe. “But I don’t-“
She cuts me off. “My mum died when she was 26.”
And suddenly everything I know about Lucy changes. I guess I’m one of those people who believes that everyone’s upbringing has been pretty much the same as their own, two parents who claim to love each other, a mum who ignores her husband’s multiple affairs by throwing herself into her work, a dad who is away a lot of the time. To me that is normal, and I’d somehow always presumed that it was the same for Lucy. Now, I don’t know how I could have been so wrong. I’m still processing this new information when she starts talking again, taking my silence as an invitation, which I am grateful for.
“I guess it’s silly really. I didn’t even know her, so to call her mum seems…” She pauses and shakes her head. I squeeze her hands in mine and she looks up at me. Suddenly she moves closer, pushing her body up against mine, her face finding its way into the crook of my neck. Instinctively my arm goes around her and I just hold her. She’s not crying, but she’s not speaking either and I don’t push her to.
Eventually she starts again. “I wasn’t even one when she died. A heart attack, apparently. That’s all I’ve ever been told. A heart attack at 26, can you imagine? She was already a single parent so after she died I was passed around her family for a couple of years before ending up in the care system. It wasn’t easy, but you learn to cope. You learn to keep yourself out of trouble, to watch out for yourself and how to get people to like you. It’s all about who you know.
“When I turned 18 I tried to find out more about my mum. I even managed to track down one of my uncles, but he didn’t offer me much in the way of information. My father was a ‘scoundrel’ – his words – and my mother was a ‘saint’. He was the one who told me about the heart attack. They don’t know what caused it really, in someone of her age it’s an anomaly and is most likely to be congenital.”
“Congenital?”
“Hereditary. And if she inherited it from her parents, then she could have passed it on to me.”
Silence falls between us as I take in everything that she’s said. I cannot believe she grew up in the care system. It’s so… Tracey Beaker. And her mum’s heart condition…
I try to keep my voice calm as I ask, “Have you spoken to someone about this? A doctor or a heart specialist or something?”
She nods into my neck before she twists away, leaning her head on my shoulder, staring out into the receding light of the sun. “A couple. And they said I have nothing to worry about…” She trails off and I hold her slightly closer.
“But it’s not going to stop you from worrying.” I finish for her. “Oh, Luce.”
I kiss her forehead before resting my head on hers, looking at the sun as it finally dips below the horizon. We sit quietly together, watching the fading light until the oranges and reds disappear and we are left in the cold pale shimmer of moonlight.
“Come on,” I pull Lucy to her feet, my arm still wrapped firmly around her as I walk her back through the park to her house. She lets us in and it seems strange to think that barely two hours ago I was sat in this same house picking at delicious prawn curry, trying not to hate Stephen. The man almost seems irrelevant now. So much has happened since then.
Lucy turns to me, a watery tight-lipped smile on her face as she says, “I’m so sorry, Eddie. I didn’t mean to dump all that on you. You must-“
I cut her off with a shake of my head, catching her face between my hands. “No. Don’t apologise. You have nothing to apologise for.” And before I can really stop myself I pull her lips to mine. The kiss is soft, tender, and doesn’t last more than a moment. It’s my way of showing how amazing I think she is, how strong and brave and how I wish more than anything that there was something I could do to help her.