2.
Eddie
Lucy speaks the words softly, yet my reaction is anything but. My whole body jerks away from her and I find myself standing a foot away from the table.
What the hell? What the fucking hell is she saying? She’s supposed to be my friend and now she’s asking me to fuck her? What in the name of all that is holy is going on?
Lucy’s cheeks are burning red, but her eyes haven’t left mine and look so sad. I’m having trouble finding my breath. When her head finally drops and her gaze returns to the plate in front of her, I breathe again. The rest of the café is quiet and I realise the barista is looking over at us. I feel myself flushing. I don’t do well with this kind of public display and I am never the one to instigate it.
Holding my hand up to the barista by way of an apology, I pick up the chair that I knocked over and sit back down. My mouth is dry, and it’s not until I get my cup halfway to my mouth that I remember it’s empty. I swear under my breath and put it back down.
Lucy hasn’t looked at me since she asked her damn question. Her head is bowed so low that all I can see is the top of her head, black tendrils that have escaped from her hair band waving at me as she shakes. She’s shaking. Her whole body is shaking. One hand is clutching her glasses in her lap while the other arm is resting on the table, her hand blocking my view of her face. A tear drips on to the plate in front of her and I suddenly feel like the biggest shit in the entire world.
I lean forward and speak softly, trying to temper my emotions to placate her. “Luce? Hey, Lucy?”
She shakes her head and sniffs, but doesn’t look up. I can feel the eyes of the entire coffee shop on me as I move my chair around the table so that it is next to her. I go to place a hand on her arm but stop myself. I’m not good at this. This is why I don’t break up with women face to face. I can’t deal with tears. I don’t know what to do.
“I’m sorry I was such a jerk. You took me by surprise.”
She sniffs again and mumbles, “You’re not a jerk.” She wipes her eyes on the back of her hand and starts cleaning her glasses with the bottom of her top. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cry in front of you. And I shouldn’t have asked you. I shouldn’t have said anything. I knew it was a long shot. Just forget it, alright?” She puts her glasses back on and looks up at me with the least genuine smile I’ve ever seen. It’s the smile of someone barely holding it together and it doesn’t look right on Lucy’s face. “We’ll just forget I ever mentioned it and move on. How are things going at work?”
She seems determined not to mention it and I am more than happy to drop the conversation. She’s smiling, albeit falsely, and I don’t know what I’d do if she started crying again. I’d do anything to avoid that. Yet more proof of my cowardice, if you’re keeping track.
But telling me to forget it? How am I supposed to forget it? One of my closest friends asked me to have sex with her. That doesn’t happen every day. That doesn’t happen ever. What the hell was she thinking?
By the time she’s finished her coffee I’ve managed to put a genuine smile on her face twice and made her laugh once. I am calling that a victory considering the state she was in.
We part ways with the same light-hearted banter that she arrived with and, although her smile doesn’t light up her eyes as it usually does, I feel as though she’s going to be alright.
Me, on the other hand, I’m less certain about. I don’t know how cool I managed to play it but my mind is still as much of a mess as it was when she first sprang the question on me. I was so taken aback.
I want you to have sex with me.
That’s what she said. Everything about that is odd. Even the language is weird. She wants me to have sex with her. As though she was the subject rather than an active participant. She didn’t say “I want to have sex with you” which would have been a much more normal way to phrase it.
Why am I focusing on her bloody grammar?
Lucy wants to fuck me!
But we’ve never been like that. We’ve never… she’s never… I like to think I know when a woman is interested in me, and Lucy has not once given me any indication she thought about me that way. Not once. Not ever.
And she’s always just been Lucy, you know? I’ve never thought about her like that. Not once. Not really.
I don’t understand why she’d ask me. It makes no fucking sense. She was so nervous before and I guess I can see why. She wasn’t even drunk. She just came right out and said it. But why would she ask me? And those tears?
Something else is clearly going on with her, but I am too much of a coward to try to find out what.
I met Lucy when we were at uni. She was in the same English Lit lectures as me in first year and in second year we had a couple of seminars together. She was always the last one to turn up and has this sort of organised chaos thing where everything about her seemed to be complete bedlam, but somehow she always knew where everything was. She is smart as well. Not always one to show it, but when one of the professors asked her for an opinion she always had an astute response. I envied her that.
We ended up working the same part-time job at Gilbert’s, an independent bookshop in town. I started over the summer at the end of second year, but Lucy had been there since she was a fresher.
She’s one of those people who is just completely likable. I’ve never known anyone who disliked her, and I honestly can’t imagine how anyone could. She’s fun and funny and great to talk to. Crap happens to her all the time and it never seems to affect her. She never lets it get her down.
Which is another reason why today was such a cluster fuck.
When I get home I go looking for Alex, but he’s not in his room. Alex’s a good guy. We were in halls together as freshers, became mates and have rented places together ever since. He’s known Lucy longer than I have but they kind of drifted apart when he started seeing Elizabeth. I can understand why.
I don’t really like Elizabeth and she makes no effort to make any of Alex’s friend’s feel welcome. After a long fought battle, it was clear that Alex would pick his boring girlfriend over his mates every single time, and a lot gave up. Lucy still tries occasionally and right now I’m hoping he knows more about what’s going on with her than I do.
A quick recce of the house turns up no sign of Alex, which means he’s probably spending the weekend with Elizabeth. I wouldn’t normally try to contact him when he’s with her. It’s like they have this little bubble that she’s insulated with an ironclad friend-proof barrier. There’s normally no point in trying to get through to him. But as my coffee with Lucy has proved, nothing about this weekend is fucking normal.
“Ya right, dickhead?” Alex’s laddish response means he’s not with Elizabeth. Which is definitely good. But I don’t know how long it will last. I need to jump upon this opportunity while I can.
“Dunno. You spoken to Luce recently?”
“No. Why?”
“I… “ If it was anyone else I wouldn’t tell them. It’s clearly not something Lucy’s particularly proud of and I don’t want to embarrass her further. But this isn’t anyone else. This is Alex. I trust Alex. “This stays between you and me, right? Not even Elizabeth can know about it.”
“What’s going on?”
“Promise you won’t tell.”
“Why?”
“Just fucking promise, dickwad. Alright?”
“Jesus. Alright. I promise. What the fuck is going on?”
I take a deep breath as I muster up the courage to repeat it. “She asked me to fuck her.” Somehow saying it out loud makes it even more real and I start to feel dizzy. I collapse onto the sofa.
Silence reigns at the other end of the phone.
“Alex? Did you hear m-“
“Yeah, I heard. I can’t believe it. Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why does she want to fuck you?”
I can’t be insulted by the question because I am as baffled as he is. “I dunno.”
“Did you ask?”
“Hell no.”
“What? Why not?”
“She started crying and then changed the subject. End of. She was balling her eyes out. And I was so relieved when she stopped I didn’t think about asking questions.”
“Pussy.”
“I know, but you have no idea, man. She was so upset. I’ve never seen her cry before.”
“I have.”
“You have?”
“Yeah, only once. In first year. When she broke up with that prick of a boyfriend. What was he called? Carl or Miles or something.”
“How do I not know about this?”
“Dunno. They had a massive fight. He was cheating or something and there was the whole thing with her working at Gilbert’s and not making time for him or some bollocks. Anyway, she was broken. Floods of tears. It was horrible. Honestly, I tried to steer clear and let Mills handle it.”
I’m feeling even more dazed and confused now than I was when I called him. I also feel really angry. I am furious at a guy I’ve never met for cheating on a girl I wasn’t even friends with at the time. But still. What a sack of shit.
Alex is still talking as I seethe. “I can’t believe you made her cry.”
“I didn’t make her cry.” I bite back, even though I totally did. I feel guilty enough about it as it is, without him rubbing it in.
“Woah! Easy. What are you going to do now?”
I run a hand through my hair and lean back into the sofa. “I do not know.”
“Are you going to do it?”
“Do what?”
“Fuck her?”
“…What?”
“Lucy. Are you going to have sex with Lucy?”
I’m silent. Until he asked that question I hadn’t even thought about it. I’d been too shocked, too worried. I hadn’t even thought about actually sleeping with her. I mean, could I have sex with her? I guess. What would that even be like?
I try to imagine what Lucy would be like to fuck. I try to imagine her naked and writhing up against me, calling out my name as I drive into her, but it’s no good. I can’t even imagine her naked. I can’t even imagine kissing her. She’s Lucy for fucks sake.
“You’re thinking about it, aren’t you?” Alex’s voice is jarring and his smug tone only makes me angry.
“I’m hanging up now.” I end the call.