20.
Eddie
I take a minute outside the restaurant to catch my breath. I’m almost 20 minutes late for the dinner, which makes me feel a little nauseous. I hate being late. It sounds stupid, but I can’t help it. I stand for a moment just breathing. My brain knows I’m not actually going to vomit. All I need to do is make sure the rest of my body knows that as well. Just as I am calm enough to go in, a laugh behind me makes me pause. I know that laugh.
Turning, I see Lucy walking towards me. Man, does she look good. Her hair is pulled back from her face but is loose across her bare shoulders. It must be held there by pins or something but in this light I would swear it was magic. Her eyes are big and bright behind her glasses. Honestly, it looks like she’s glowing as she laughs. The dress she’s wearing is stunning. It’s a sleek black sequined number with tiny shoulder straps and a plunging neckline that fits tightly around her top and flares out over her hips. The skirt sways as she walks and the whole dress shimmers as it catches the light. Beneath it her legs are bare and all I can think about are running my hands over her shapely calves and the soft skin of her inner thighs.
All the blood in my body rushes to my cock. I pulse with a need for her. I want her more than anything.
What am I doing? I’ve been an idiot.
I want Lucy.
Not just physically.
Of course I want her sexually, but it’s more than that. I want to open up to her, to share with her the way that she shared with me. I want to see every laugh and every sigh. I want her. I want a relationship with her. For the first time in my life I want to be there for someone else as more than a casual friend who’s good for a laugh. I want to be a better man for her. I know I don’t deserve her but I’m selfish and I am willing to work every day to make myself worthy of her.
She laughs again, throwing her head back, and for the first time I notice who she’s with, who’s making her laugh, who’s holding her hand. I was wrong. It’s not Mills. The sight of Stephen’s smiling face is like ice water. I am feeling so many emotions I don’t know which one to process first, so I choose none of them. Pushing the door open, I walk briskly into the restaurant.
The table isn’t difficult to spot and Alex grins when he sees me. “There you are! Not like you to be late.” His tone is teasing but I can’t do this right now. I just can’t.
I slap him on the back. “I’m going for a slash.” I need a minute to myself. I can’t be here. Escaping to the toilet may be a coward’s move, but I already know I’m a coward.
Standing in the restaurant bathroom I desperately try to pull myself together. But so much has happened in the last five minutes that I don’t know where to start. I feel sad and angry and frustrated and jealous and lonely and, for want of a better word, heartbroken all at once. Stephen’s smug fucking face sits in the front of my mind, taunting me. I’ve never hated anyone before, but I think I hate him. Something tightens in my chest as I think about his hand wrapped around Lucy’s. I may not deserve her, but he definitely fucking doesn’t. He’s an arse.
Somewhere in the back of my brain logic pipes up that until Thursday he was a good friend, but logic doesn’t apply right now. I’m feeling more than I’ve ever felt before and I absolutely hate it.
By the time I make my way back over to the table Lucy and Stephen are sat down and everyone is chatting away. They’re sat next to each other and he has his arm over the back of her chair. It takes everything in me to keep my face calm.
Lucy’s eyes meet mine, and she smiles. “Eddie! There you are.”
I try to smile back. “Happy birthday, Luce.”
I know I’m not convincing because something flits across her expression followed by a small frown. I sit down next to Alex at the far end of the table from her. I hate that I put that frown on her face, but I’m only so strong. I am determined to be there for her. I want to help her celebrate her birthday and make sure that she’s alright, but I can’t watch her flirt with another bloke. I just can’t. I’m not that strong.
Alex’s giving me a weird look, like he can’t figure me out, so I stick my head in the menu and ignore him. I can’t deal with his inquisition right now. I can’t answer my own questions, let alone someone else’s insatiable curiosity.
There’s about twelve of us here in total, which seems like a lot. I shouldn’t be surprised. I don’t know how anyone could not like Lucy; she’s just that kind of person. Although I know most of the people here I would call maybe five of them friends. Actually, make that four as Stephen has been thoroughly scratched off that list. And I doubt anyone but Alex and Lucy would come to a dinner like this for me. Maybe not even Lucy. Now that she has Stephen.
After we’ve ordered I risk a glance down the table. Mills is telling a joke that Luce seems to be completely wrapped up in. But Stephen is still there, sitting next to her and grinning away, his arm still around the back of her chair like he owns it. That fucking arm. I can’t seem to look away. Lucy catches me looking and smiles at me. Although I smile back, that tiny frown appears in her forehead as she mouths “You OK?” at me.
I nod, but her frown deepens. Whatever my face is doing it’s clearly not convincing her. “Are you sure?” She mouths the words but I hear them as loudly as if she were sitting right next to me.
I am saved from the need to respond by the waiter bringing our drinks over. I turn back to Alex who is also frowning at me. He opens his mouth to speak but I shake my head at him, pulling my phone obviously from my pocket. I can’t say it out loud, not here, and he’s not going to leave it alone until I tell him what’s wrong.
As soon as I hit send I look at him and he gets my meaning, quickly checking his messages under the table. It’s amazing how it only takes four words to communicate what is causing me so much bloody suffering. Four little words.
She came with Stephen
The rest of the meal I keep to myself. Alex doesn’t bother me too much. I smile and nod along as he chats to one of Lucy’s work colleagues. The food is good. Not amazing, but not bad. I briefly wonder who chose the restaurant. Probably Mills.
Not Lucy, that’s for sure. It’s got a TexMex feel, all cheese and bacon stuffed potato skins and pulled pork nachos, all ribs and buffalo wings. It’s fine, but it’s the wrong kind of spicy for Lucy. It should be Indian or Thai, or that new Nepalese place that just opened down the road from Gilbert’s. That would have been perfect. It would feel more… personal, less corporate America than this place.
Occasionally I hear a laugh from the other end of the table and try to ignore it. At the end of the mains the staff bring out a big bowl of ice cream and brownies with sparklers in it and we all sing Luce “Happy Birthday”, with Stephen the prick shouting out “and many more” at the end, like a jackass. She smiles and laughs along, but doesn’t even take a bite, which surprises me until I spot the bananas that are layered into the desert. Idiots. Who organised this thing? Had they even met Lucy? She hates bananas.
As we’re finishing up, Stephen and Travis have an argument about tipping. I know that they both earn more than me, but the fact they are arguing about the bill on Lucy’s birthday is ridiculous. I suggest that the waiter starts at our end of the table and cover Lucy’s share. I don’t make a big deal about it or anything like the pillocks at the other end of the table. I simply pay for what she had and let the waiter know.
Alex and I decide to wait outside for the others and as we’re leaving he nudges me and nods towards a pretty blonde woman at the table next to us. “She’s been eying you all night. Why don’t you-?”
I walk away before he can finish his sentence and when he joins me outside he looks more confused. “Hey man, no need to be pissy. I just thought you could use a distraction, that’s all.”
“I don’t need a fucking distraction.” It comes out gruffer than I mean it to and he takes a step back.
“Chill your beans. Alright.”
At that moment Lucy’s colleagues join us outside and the conversation turns to the best place to go for a good night. There’s some chatter about Club Zero, but it’s all a bit sticky floors and mirrored walls for my tastes. Far too chavvy for me and I’m surprised that Lucy seems to be nodding along with the suggestion. But that’s who she is. She’s a people pleaser, and if she thinks everyone wants to go there, she will. Even on her own bloody birthday. Which, come to think of it, probably explains how we ended up at a TexMex restaurant.
“What about The Royale?” I suggest. It’s a decent club, not too far away and on a Saturday they play old sixties music. Not exactly my thing, but definitely better than Club Zero and certainly more Lucy’s cup of tea. It used to be an old cinema or theatre or something but they converted it into a club and sometimes there’s comedy there as well. It’s got a good vibe and doesn’t leave you feeling dirty and depressed, which is definitely a plus.
“I’m up for that,” Lucy pipes up, grinning at me almost gratefully. The light in her eyes and the brightness of her smile are contagious and for a brief moment I’m grinning back at her.
That is until Stephen throws his arm around her shoulders, which is a little awkward because of their heights, declares, “The Royale it is!” and starts dragging her away. I follow glumly at the back of the pack, trying to decide whether or not to continue with this nightmare of an evening.
By the time we reach the club, Stephen’s hand is on Lucy’s arse and I know for certain I can’t take it anymore. Watching him grind up against her is going to lead to a world of pain. Probably mine. So I do what I do best, I run away and hide.
Waiting at the back of the group, I watch as the last of Lucy’s friends laugh into the club and then walk away. I can’t do it. I know I’m the worst kind of coward, but it hurts so fucking much. So much.
I send Alex a quick message to let him know where I am before slowly skulking home.