#anewhope
Ryan
I RARELY DRINK, which is probably why the beer I just finished has me feeling extra mellow. When I set my empty bottle down on the bar, the bartender approaches with a smile.
“Another one, sweetie?”
I put up a hand and shake my head. “No, I’m good, thanks.”
“That one’s on the house.” She winks and turns to walk to the other end of the bar, adding an extra sway to her step.
If a random hookup would help, I’d take her home with me tonight. But I discovered a long time ago that sex with other women leaves me feeling hollow. I compare them to Sienna and end up feeling guilty as fuck for using them just to get her off my mind.
I’ve got bigger things to think about anyway. Coop’s due here any minute so I can tell him about the RoughRider debacle. I owe him that. Owed it to him sooner than this, actually, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to tell him until now.
He walks into the bar right on time, not smiling as I’m used to, but sliding onto the stool and arching his brows.
“Beer? You never drink.”
I shrug. “Sometimes I have a beer. I needed to mellow out before you got here.”
He rests his elbows on the bar and looks down at the scratched wood surface. “I’ve waited weeks for you to finally get the balls to tell me what’s up with you and Sienna, so don’t drag it out. Fucking spit it out, man.”
I wish I had asked for another beer as I exhale heavily and nod. There’s no getting around it—I have to come clean.
So I do. I start with that day ten years ago when Sienna walked downstairs in that green prom dress, and I saw her—truly saw her—for the first time. I tell him about the jealousy that burns inside me every time he talks about her dating someone. And finally, I share the details of becoming RoughRider, but I leave out the specifics of our conversations. Those aren’t between anyone but Sienna and me.
Coop only looks at me a few times as I spill my guts, his jaw set in a tense line. When the bartender comes by for his order, he asks for a beer and a shot. I know him well enough to be sure that means he’s pissed.
“But none of it really matters anyway, because she doesn’t feel the same way.” My shoulders sink as I finally reach the end of my confession.
“You’re sure?”
I narrow my eyes at him, feeling a rare rise of anger. “Yeah, I’m sure. She told me.”
He shakes his head as he takes it all in for a few seconds.
“This whole time? Ten years?”
“Yeah.”
“But . . .” He furrows his brow. “What about that one chick? Alisa? You were really into her.”
I shrug. “Into her, yeah. But not in love with her. I knew Sienna didn’t see me the same way I see her and I didn’t want to give up sex forever, so I dated other women.”
Coop’s shot arrives, and he downs it. “But you haven’t dated anyone for a while now. You’re like a priest or something.”
“It didn’t feel right, using other women because I couldn’t have her.”
He gives me an incredulous look. “I’m just . . . I don’t know, man. My instinct was to say you only want her because you know you can’t have her, but . . . I don’t know.”
My single note of laughter is unamused. “It’s fucking miserable, Coop. For real. I wish I didn’t feel this way about your little sister, but I do. I just wait for the day she marries some other guy, and I can finally . . . maybe . . . let go.”
“You guys aren’t talking anymore, then?”
“I went over there a few nights ago to install deadbolts on her doors. I can’t sleep at night because I’m so worried about that psycho bitch coming to her house.”
“She’s still in jail. I’ve got a buddy at CPD who will call me the minute she makes bail . . . if she ever does.”
I nod, slightly relieved. “That’s good.”
“Was it awkward between you guys when you were over there?”
“Yeah. She was . . . I don’t know, I guess, emotional?”
Coop laughs, his eyes bright. “Noooo. Sienna? Never.”
“I know it, but damned if I don’t like her fire. I really do.”
“What’d you guys say to each other?”
“I told her I’m moving on and that I don’t want a mercy date with her.”
Coop furrows his brow again. “She offered that?”
“No, but she’s . . . confused. I felt like I needed to end the suffering for both of us, so I told her I’d only want her if she was all in. I don’t think Sienna’s capable of being all in with any man.”
“Not right now, no. She’s been shit on, man. Had guys tell her they wanted a relationship and then ditch out after she slept with them.”
A hot tingle of jealousy creeps down my spine. “I don’t want to hear about any guys she slept with.”
“It’s been a while. She pretty much gave up and threw herself into Alpha Mail. It’s kinda ironic that her successful business is based on failed relationships. That’s a big part of who she is and what she believes.”
“She chooses assholes.” I scrub a hand down my face, feeling caged up on this barstool.
Coop turns to me. “She knows that. Why do you think she stopped dating altogether? It’s not just that she doesn’t trust men—she doesn’t trust herself either.”
“That’s a damn shame. She’s one of the smartest people I know.”
“You want my advice?”
I laugh and rest my elbows on the bar. “I figured your advice would be to take a long walk off a short pier.”
“I’m not as much of an asshole as you think.” Coop gives me a pointed look. “If you ever used or hurt my sister, I’d kick your ass, and our friendship would be over. Don’t fucking tell me I couldn’t do it or talk shit about your muscles and your fitness. If I was pissed enough, I’d definitely be able to beat your ass.”
“I’ll concede that. But trust me, I’m hurting more on the inside right now than you could ever make me hurt on the outside.”
He wrinkles his face with disgust. “Christ. This thing you have for my sister turned you into a pussy.”
I shoot him a glare. “Fuck you. It hurts like a bitch, okay? It’s not a passing thing. I’ve been in love with her for a decade.”
“I get it. Now back to my advice . . . Is this the one woman you want more than anyone else in the world?”
“Yes.”
“You’d walk through fire for her?”
“I would.”
“Then why is it asking too much to be patient with her? You told her all or nothing? If you love her, you’ll wait. Loving her means taking her as she is, commitment-phobic, overly emotional, and overwhelmed that you kept this from her for ten years.”
I stare down at my empty beer bottle, processing his words. “I said it to let her off the hook.”
“Why do you assume she wants off the hook?”
“Because that day in her office, she said she doesn’t feel that way about me.”
Coop scoffs. “You were expecting her to say she loves you back, ten seconds after she found out you went behind her back like that?”
“I don’t know.” I rub my forehead, the beer swirling around in my stomach now. “I’ve never considered that she could ever feel the same way I do. I’m not like the assfucks she dates. They’re all pretentious suits with small dicks and big mouths.”
“Yeah, and none of ’em are with her, are they?”
I turn my face to look at him. “You think I have a shot with her?”
“I don’t know. But I know you, and I know her, and if you really love her, you won’t puss out and lie to her. Be a man.”
He stands up and reaches for his wallet. “I have to go. I’m helping a guy from work pour some concrete.”
“I’ve got it.” I take out my own wallet and set a few bills on the bar.
I stand up to walk out with him, his words still ringing in my ears. This isn’t what I was expecting. I thought Coop would rip me a new one and tell me to stay the fuck away from Sienna.
It’s in my nature to think things through, and I need time to consider what he said. Am I being unfair to Sienna? Just the thought gives me heartburn.
What would I do if she had a shred of romantic interest in me? Not that she does, but if she did . . . What if she had a gallon of love for me, when I have an ocean for her?
I’d work my ass off to grow that shred. I’d do everything I said to her in those emails—show her with my actions that I love her with everything I am. A shred isn’t much compared to my feelings for her, but it’s something.
If I at least had that, it could be a start.