#gutted
Ryan
THE DISAPPOINTMENT IN Sienna’s eyes is like a boulder falling on my chest, the weight nearly unbearable. This is what I couldn’t bring myself to face—her discovering her secret admirer is me and wishing it were someone else.
“Rough rider?” Coop narrows his gaze on me. “What the hell does that mean?”
“Let’s not talk about it here,” I say.
“I think we should.” His tone is challenging.
My tone is definitive enough to cut him off, though. “I think you should shut up and focus on your sister.”
He’s sulking as Sienna returns to be questioned by the police. I move to lean my back against a wall in the lobby, alone, so I can process the jumble of thoughts and emotions inside me.
“What the fuck is going on?” Coop hisses in a loud whisper.
Of course, he followed me. Fucker won’t rest until he knows the entire story.
“We’re not talking about it here.”
“Then let’s leave.”
I glare at him. “I’m not leaving until I know Sienna’s okay.”
“She’s surrounded by cops. I think she’ll survive.”
“I don’t just mean physically okay, douchebag.”
Coop leans in, his face inches from mine. “You know who’s in danger of not being physically okay? You, when I hear my little sister associating you with the word ‘ride.’”
I exhale hard, folding my arms over my chest. “We’re not having this conversation here.”
“I’ll kill you, Ryan. Your guilt is written all over your smug-ass face right now, and I’m gonna strangle the life out of you with my bare hands, you miserable, no-good son of a bitch.”
There are two reasons I didn’t want Sienna to find out I’m RoughRider—I didn’t want to face her disappointment, and I didn’t want to face Coop’s wrath. He told me a long time ago that she’s hands-off. I always respected it—still am, actually, because I haven’t laid a hand on his sister. Both of those issues kept me up at night when I considered telling Sienna who I really am, and now here I am, dealing with them at the same time.
“Let’s focus on Sienna for now,” I say in a level tone.
“Sounds like you’ve been overly focused on her.” He scowls at me, his hands clenched into fists.
I take a deep breath, forcing myself to stay silent. Sienna doesn’t need any more stress right now, and if Coop and I get into it near cops who don’t know how we are around each other, one or both of us may end up in jail.
Coop’s next to me, his back also against the wall, and he’s muttering without looking at me.
“If you touched my sister, you gutless bastard, I will neuter you while you sleep. I’ll crush your fucking nut sac with a hammer. You’ll be gutless and nutless, you dirty—”
I cut him off. “Shut it, Coop. You sound ridiculous.”
“You won’t be laughing when I break your fucking nose, asshole.”
“Yeah, ’cause I’ll just take that, right? I’m stronger and faster than you, and I’ve been lifting heavy with my team every day, fucker, while you sit around the fire station eating doughnuts.”
“Okay, cocksucker, outside. Now.”
I turn on him, the first to speak in a tone above an angry, hissed whisper. “Yeah? Because a perceived insult to your sister’s honor is one thing, but a comment about the number of doughnuts you eat is worth fighting over?”
Coop’s face is red with anger as he pulls up his T-shirt. “Abs.” He points at his stomach. “I didn’t get those by eating doughnuts all day, asshole.”
“Put your shirt down, dumbass.” I shake my head, embarrassed by his display.
One of the cops is giving us a side eye, and I’m not getting kicked out of here without knowing Sienna is okay. The last thirty minutes have probably taken years off my life. I handed my last history class of the day off to an assistant principal and drove to Sienna’s office as fast as my truck would go, pounding on the steering wheel with frustration at every red light.
When I couldn’t find parking near her office, I took a spot a half mile away and ran the rest of the way. I was beside myself, a caged lion, on the elevator ride up to her office suite. Thoughts raced through my head faster than I could process them. There was one that kept repeating itself:
She has to be okay. I haven’t even told her I’m in love with her.
I’ve loved Sienna in secret for so long that it’s become part of me. She’s the reason I don’t date anymore. I tried for a long time—years, but no other woman affects me the way she does. Her laugh takes my breath away. Her smile makes my heart race. And seeing her in a skirt . . . well, it really does work me up like nothing else, just as I told her.
Damn, was it good to tell her that. Even though she didn’t know it was me, I finally got to be honest with her about my feelings as RoughRider. She’s more under my skin than ever now, but it’s a high I can’t get my fill of.
She was never supposed to know, though. Our messages were a way for me to know her in a way I wanted like nothing else, but never thought I could have. When I read the article about Alpha Mail in the Sun, I realized I could contact her without her knowing it was me. The temptation was just too much.
And once I got a look at the side of her I’ve always wanted to see—the side that’s all woman—I couldn’t look away.
Coop and I wait in silence until the police finish questioning Sienna, and then he approaches her and offers to take her home.
“No, I’m . . .” She looks around until her eyes lock on mine, and damn if my pulse doesn’t pound harder with every passing second. “ . . . fine, Coop.”
“What’s going on between you and Ryan?” he demands, trying his glare on her now.
“It’s . . . I don’t know.” A slight pink flush spreads across her cheeks.
Coop looks back and forth between us, then crosses his arms. “I’m not leaving here till one of you tells me what’s going on.”
The elevator doors open, and a blond man practically runs to Sienna, looking her over from head to toe.
“I just heard. What the hell did she do now?”
Sienna holds out a hand in an effort to calm him. “I’m fine, Isaac. No one was hurt.”
“She pulled a gun on you?” He runs a hand through his hair, eyes wide with shock.
“Yes, but I’m okay.”
“Shit. If I’d been here, she wouldn’t have come after you.”
“You don’t know that. This isn’t your fault. She’s mentally unstable.” Sienna consoles him, ever the level-headed woman I’ve grown to adore.
Isaac takes a deep breath in and out. “If they don’t keep her in jail this time . . .” He shakes his head and looks away.
“Don’t get ahead of yourself,” Sienna says. “The police officers who interviewed me said they need to talk to you too. So can you go to the station and do that? Then take the rest of the week off, okay? You’ll still get paid, and we’ll cover your work. Just try to get your mind off all this.”
He nods, his expression still somber. I take it this is the guy the woman who got arrested was really after.
As soon as he’s out of earshot, Coop looks between Sienna and me again. “Who’s gonna tell me? Or should I just assume the worst and kick Ryan’s ass as soon as we get outside?”
“Coop.” Sienna gives him an admonishing look.
“You’re not kicking anybody’s ass.” I gesture toward the elevator. “I need to talk to Sienna alone, so hit the road.”
Coop’s eyes bulge with surprise. “Hit the road? The only thing I’m gonna hit is—”
“Enough, Coop,” Sienna says firmly. “I’m twenty-eight years old, I can take care of myself. I appreciate you coming here to check on me, but I’m fine.”
Coop scowls at me, a vein in his neck standing out. “I’ll be waiting for you when you get home.”
“You’ll be waiting a while, because I have practice till eight. The offensive coaching staff doesn’t take it as easy as the defensive.”
He doesn’t take the bait. “Just call me when you’re done.”
“I’ll get right on that,” I say in a wry tone.
“We’re not done.”
“We are for now.”
We have a stare-off for a few seconds, and then he hugs Sienna and leaves. When it’s just the two of us, neither of us seems to know what to say.
“Do you, uh . . . want to talk in my office?” she offers, an awkward expression on her face.
“If you’re up for it. Are you still feeling shaken up?”
She shakes her head and tucks a section of dark red hair behind her ear. “No, I’m okay. We can . . . let’s go talk.”
I follow her down the hallway, not focusing much on my surroundings even though it’s the first time I’ve been to her office. My gaze is narrowed on the way her legs look in her skirt and the way it hugs her ass just the right way. Lucky fucking skirt.
“This is me,” she says, standing aside as she opens the glass door of a large, bright office.
“After you.”
She steps inside and I follow, the door closing behind us on its own.
Her office is painted a pale turquoise shade, the walls adorned with black and white photos of ornate old buildings. A bookshelf behind her large wood desk is filled with paperbacks, knickknacks and framed photos.
She leans back on the front of her desk and locks eyes with me. “Why did you do it?”
“Why?”
Doesn’t she know why? Her expression is confused and crestfallen. I knew she’d be disappointed, but she looks completely devastated right now.
“Was it a joke?” she asks softly.
Blood rushes to my head as I process her words. I’m so taken aback I can’t even speak for a few seconds. “A joke? You think the whole thing was a joke to me?”
“I don’t know, Ryan. That’s what I’m asking.”
Her hurt expression guts me. Never did I expect this. I have to set her straight.
“No, it wasn’t a joke, Sienna. I’ve been in love with you for a long time. Years. I knew I could never tell you, but I saw a chance to get to know you in a way I never thought I’d be able to, and I . . . I took it. I never meant for you to find out.”
“That’s not possible.” She shakes her head slightly, her brow furrowed.
“What’s not possible?”
“That you’re in love with me. You don’t even think of me that way. I’ve always been like a little sister to you, same as Coop.”
My breath catches in my throat as I try to figure out how to tell her the truth. “It was that way when we were kids. But things changed for me, Pup. I remember the exact moment it happened, and—”
“When?”
I sigh heavily. “When Coop and I were seniors in college, and he asked me to come over and help him move an entertainment center for your parents on a weekend. You came down the stairs dressed for prom, and . . .” I can still see her that day, radiant in a dark green sleeveless dress, and the memory renders me speechless for a second. “ . . . that was it. I was so goddamn jealous of your date when he touched you, and it wasn’t a brotherly kind of thing anymore. It was because I wanted you for myself.”
“Ryan,” she says in a breathless tone. “That was ten years ago.”
I nod and fold my arms over my chest. “Yeah.”
“But you . . .” She shakes her head. “You’ve been with women since then. There was that time I saw you downtown with that blonde a few years ago.”
“I knew it would never happen between us, Sienna. I knew you didn’t see me that way, and I knew Coop wouldn’t let me even try if you did. So I tried to shake the feeling by dating other women, but it never worked. I started to feel bad about it, like I was using them, so a few years ago, I stopped.”
“Stopped dating? Altogether?”
“Yeah.”
“But you’re so . . . I mean, you’re in your prime.”
I shrug. “So are you.”
We just look at each other for a few seconds in silence. The look on her face is killing me. There’s shock and disbelief, but not a hint of happiness or hope. It’s just as I expected, but it still hurts like a bitch.
“I’m sorry, Sienna,” I manage. “I’d never intentionally mislead or disappoint you.”
She nods, looking dazed. “I wish I could . . . I don’t even know what to say.”
“I get it. You don’t think of me that way.”
She looks down at the ground, seemingly ashamed. “No, I don’t. I’m so sorry.”
I knew the truth, but I never wanted to hear her say it. At least I had an ounce of hope before, and our limited interactions when we saw each other through Coop. Now, things will always be awkward between us, and my friendship with Coop is probably shot too.
Fuck. Why did I ever send that first email?
“I’m gonna go,” I say, needing air, space . . . anything but that crushed expression on her face.
I turn and leave the office, knowing it’s no one’s fault but my own that things will never be the same.