#dontletgo
A YOUNG BLOND woman with a frazzled expression gives me a disapproving look the moment she spots me in the hallway of the New York Alpha Mail office.
“Ma’am, if you aren’t an employee, you can’t be in this area.” She puts a foot in my path to stop me.
Am I more aggravated that she stopped me so rudely, or that she called me ma’am? Too close to call.
I smile, keeping my cool. “I’m pretty sure I’m authorized. I’m Sienna Mills.”
“Oh.” She puts a hand over her eyes, her cheeks flushing. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay. They’re hiring people so quickly here that I haven’t met everyone yet. I’ve been away for two weeks.”
“Yeah, I just started Monday. I’m Tori.” She offers me a hand and I shake it.
My smile is tighter this time. One of my pet peeves is people who only introduce themselves with their first name. I’m tired and stressed, though, so I brush it off.
“Tori . . . ?”
“Oh.” She grins at me. “Tori Stanton. I’m one of the front desk receptionists.”
“Well, it’s great to meet you.”
Two men are coming down the hallway from the other direction, one practically running. When I look at their faces, I recognize one of them as Isaac.
“Hey,” he says quickly. “It’s good you’re here. This place is a zoo.”
“Really?” I say a quick goodbye to Tori and fall in beside him.
“The management team is trying to keep up with demand, but it’s overwhelming. No one has time for lunch and we’re all here late every night.”
I suppress a sigh. “Why is this the first I’m hearing about this? That’s not the way to keep good employees.”
Isaac shrugs. “We’re all getting overtime for it.” He stops by an office door. “I have to go. I’m actually double booked in five minutes.”
“Double booked? How does that work?”
He gives me a sheepish grin. “I talk to one client while texting another.”
I cringe. “I don’t love that, Isaac.”
“I know.” He puts his hands up. “But the phone call will be less than five minutes. I’m a pro, Sienna, you know that.”
“And so modest.” I give him a mock glare.
“Always.”
“Let’s talk more when you have time.”
He laughs. “You can catch me when I’m walking to the bathroom, maybe? Other than that, there is no time.”
“Shit.” I wave at him and head for my office.
Good thing I listened to my intuition and came here. Even though the New York office is booming financially, I need it to run smoothly. We’ll hire more people, stop taking clients—whatever it takes to get things on track.
It was so hard to leave home and come here, not knowing when I’ll be able to return. Jack has been having seizures every day or two, and Carmen is barely holding it together. I hired home nurses to work all three shifts and also brought in someone to do the cooking and cleaning. At least I know Carmen has help, but I’m worried about her not having emotional support. Coop told me he’ll stop by often to check on her, which is something.
I’m going to work hard to get things fixed here so I can get home. The New York management team better not complain about long hours while I’m here, because they got us into this mess.
When I take out my phone to check email, there’s a waiting message on my screen.
ROUGHRIDER16: Hey, did you make it okay?
Crap. I forgot to let Ryan know I landed safely. I’m rusty on relationship protocol.
SIENNAM: Yes. It’s a mess here. Miss you.
ROUGHRIDER16: Me too. Hurry home.
I bypass my own office, instead walking into the office of my New York branch manager. Her day is probably crazy already, and it’s about to get worse.
Two weeks later, I have a newfound respect for Carmen. How she gets by on so little sleep, and still manages to smile, is beyond me.
I’ve been putting in days that start at sunrise and end around midnight. My first move was to demote my branch manager and bring in someone new. That took several days of calling contacts for recommendations and interviewing candidates.
At the same time, I was running the office myself. I quickly realized the New York manager needs not just one, but two assistants, and I started the hiring process for that.
I Skype with Carmen and Jack every day while I eat lunch, which is usually only a fifteen-minute break. Seeing their faces on the screen grounds me and reminds me why I’m here. Carmen tells me the nurses are taking good care of Jack, which is good, but every time Jack tells me he misses me and reaches toward the screen, it guts me.
My kingdom to hug that kid, I sometimes think in the middle of another grueling workday.
By the time I’m done every night, I drop onto my office couch, too exhausted for more than a quick text to Ryan. We haven’t talked at all in the past two weeks, and in the moments I have to think about something other than work, I miss him so much it hurts.
I miss his smile. His voice. His messages. His smell. All of it feels so far away right now.
It’s Wednesday, and I’m helping with interviews for new alphas. I came back to my hotel for a quick shower, because I didn’t feel like my deodorant could work the miracles I was asking of it any longer.
After drying my hair and putting on fresh makeup, I take the first clothes from my dry cleaning stack and put them on. When I catch a look the time in my peripheral vision, I do the conversion and realize it’s a little after six p.m. back home. I planned this shower around the hope that I could talk to Ryan.
I call him, closing my eyes and saying a prayer he’ll answer.
“Hey,” he says, sounding out of breath. “How are you?”
“I miss you. So much.”
“Me, too, babe.”
The sound of his deep, warm voice is like a caress for my worn nerves. “Did I catch you at an okay time?”
“Of course. One sec.”
He must be covering the phone, because there’s a muffled yelling sound on the other end of the line.
He returns and says, “Sorry about that.”
“It’s okay. Are you sure you can talk?”
“Yeah, I’m just at practice.”
I close my eyes. “Of course you are. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“Hey, stop. I haven’t heard your voice in forever. Talk to me.”
A smile tugs up the corners of my lips as I lean against the desk in my room. “I’m hoping to be done here soon. Things are finally shaping up.”
“Good. I was pricing flights to come there this weekend.”
“Ryan! It costs a fortune to fly last minute.”
He laughs. “Yeah, and I could only come from Saturday to Sunday. And I know you’re working weekends. I was gonna be your coffee boy, just so I could lay eyes on you.”
“Just eyes?”
His low groan sends a shiver of longing throughout my body. “You want me to come? I will.”
“Uh . . . do I . . . what?”
“To New York, babe.”
“Oh, that.” I laugh nervously. “I’d love it, but honestly, I’m working like eighteen hours a day.”
Ryan hums his concern. “You have to be totally exhausted.”
“Oh, I am. I fell asleep peeing the other day.”
“Sienna . . .”
“I know. But this is me, Ryan. I work hard.”
“Yeah, but you need time for yourself, and for the people who love you.”
Something in his tone hits a nerve, and I fire back. “I’m here for the people who love me, Ryan. I know I’m not an ideal girlfriend right now, but I told you—”
Ryan cuts in. “Whoa. This isn’t what I meant, okay?”
“Well, the guilt was already there, I guess. I’m not with Carmen and Jack, and he’s getting worse every day. I’m not with you, and we just started dating like five minutes ago. The only thing I’m doing well right now is work.”
“Sienna. Take a deep breath. It’s okay.”
I plow ahead, not taking a breath. “The money I’m making will pay for the care he’s going to need. I never used to talk to Carmen about this stuff, because she enjoys every day she has with Jack and doesn’t think about the future. And I get that, I do, but . . . I’ve researched, and eventually, he’s going to need a feeding tube. He’ll just keep declining and . . .” The lump in my throat burns.
“It’s all right, babe,” Ryan soothes me in a deep, gentle tone. “Just cry. You can always cry with me.”
I breathe out, my shoulders sinking as tears slide down my cheeks. It’s not just a few—within seconds I’m sobbing, letting go of the control I had a tenuous grip on all day at work.
“I’m so torn,” I finally say, still crying. “I want to be there with them. She needs me. But I have to be here, making sure this new location is doing well. The money matters, and I don’t want Carmen to have to worry about it.”
“You’re doing everything you can. Carmen and Jack know you love them, Sienna. Don’t let guilt take you down right now.”
“It’s so hard.” My voice shakes, tears threatening to spill over again.
“It’s one of the hardest fucking things anyone will ever go through,” Ryan agrees. “And I love you for your strength, but you don’t have to be strong around me.”
“Ryan.” I sit down on the edge of the bed, grabbing a tissue to mop the smeared mascara from my cheeks. “I’ve been thinking all afternoon about this conversation. Telling myself I could hold it together until I heard your voice.”
He sighs softly into the phone. “I wish I were there, babe. More than you know.”
“I feel like we’re on the edge of something. Something amazing. But my life got turned upside down and there’s not even enough of me for Carmen, Jack and my work. I don’t have the emotional space to give you what you deserve right now.”
I’m sobbing again, the unfairness of it all crushing me, making it hard to even take a breath.
“Sienna,” Ryan says softly. “Do you want me in your life?”
“Yes. So much. It’s like I’m drowning and you’re the only thing I have to hold on to and maybe have a shot at surviving.” My voice breaks with emotion, high and strained.
“Then hold on to me. And I’ll hold on to you, too. I’ll . . .” His voice breaks the same way mine did, because he’s crying, too. He clears his throat and continues. “I’ll never let go. I know this isn’t like the start of other relationships, but the way you’re there for Jack and Sienna is one of the reasons I’m so in love with you. I’m all in, babe. Whatever you need from me, it’s yours.”
I sigh softly and close my eyes. “I love you, Ryan. I wanted to tell you in person, but—”
“Say it again.”
“I love you.”
“God damn, that feels good.”
I sniffle, weak with relaxation now that my tension is finally released. “Thank you for . . . being you. And for loving me and not giving up on me. I never thought I’d have this.”
“Me either. For you to let go like this, with me . . . you’re letting me be what I always wanted to be for you.”
“I can’t wait to see you again.”
“Me, either.”
“So,” I try to sound nonchalant, but fail. “How much longer on the whole goodnight kiss only thing?”
Ryan laughs. “You’re wanting more, huh?”
“For fuck’s sake, yes. If we love each other, don’t you think we should . . . you know?”
“No, what?”
“Don’t play coy with me, RoughRider.”
“Say it.” His tone is husky with desire. “Ask and ye shall receive, my love.”
“Fuck. Screw. Make love. Several times. In many positions.”
He inhales sharply. “Hell yes.”
“Thank God. When?”
“When did you say you’re getting back?”
I try to calculate quickly. “I just need a few more days. Three, I think.”
“So instead of going out the night you get home, how about if we stay in?”
“Yes. I want that more than anything.”
“Me, too.”
I sigh heavily. “I have to get back to the office.”
“See you soon, babe. Love you.”
“I love you, too.”
I hear the slightest groan from him. “Say it one more time.”
“RoughRider, I’m completely in love with you.”