#sugarmama
Sienna
EVERYONE’S ATTENTION IS focused on the blinking cursor on the large projector screen in front of the room.
“What’s a good response here?” I ask the team of three dozen men. “Just throw something out there. There are no wrong answers.”
“Just . . . thinking about you?” a guy in the front row volunteers.
“Good thought, but you don’t want to lay it on so thick.” I look back up at the question on the screen he’s trying to answer, “Hey, what are you doing?”’
Gretchen and I are in New York running an exercise to train the New York team. It’s been a whirlwind week since the launch of this branch was announced. Client sign-ups exceeded all expectations, and my hiring team is working overtime to bring quality alphas on board.
Every man in this first batch of alphas already has a full client roster. The response is exciting, but also overwhelming. The investors have stressed how much they want Alpha Mail to be out front early, before imitation businesses can swallow up our prospective market.
“So you don’t want to lie,” I say, looking out at them. “Or I guess you don’t want to give an answer that’s not possible. If you’re sitting in your office here, you don’t want to tell the client you’re at the gym working out. It’s all about a fantasy, but you don’t want to deceive.”
I reach for the keyboard to type out an answer to Gretchen’s latest question. She’s handling the client end of the conversation from her laptop on the other side of the room, and I’m working on the alpha side from my end.
“Just got in a workout and got some coffee,” I say aloud as I type. “How are you this morning, beautiful?”
I look out over the group of new employees, paying attention to who seems to be listening and who looks disinterested. The New York HR team is supposed to be doing the same from their row of chairs along one side of the room, but I want to make sure they’re paying close attention.
“So,” I continue, “you usually want to shift the focus back on to the client. Our most satisfied clients like conversations that focus on them, whether it’s their day-to-day lives, their frustrations, or their sexual desires. If they ask about you, answer, but remember—no overly personal details, as you read in your orientation guide. We have suggestions listed there for how to deflect those questions.”
Gretchen waves to get my attention and taps her watch, signaling that it’s lunchtime.
“Okay, so we’re going to break for lunch, which is being catered in the other conference room,” I tell the group. “And after lunch, Kell from the Chicago office will do a client chat live in here for us.”
The room empties quickly, and soon it’s just Gretchen and me.
“It’s going well,” she says, sitting down next to me.
“They seem like a good bunch. Kell will be a better teacher than I am.”
Gretchen reaches for the paper cup of coffee she brought over with her, glances at it, then sets it down again.
“I’m gonna go catch a nap on that couch in your office,” she says with a sheepish smile. “Sleep sounds better than food right now.”
“Take as long as you need. We only got like four hours of sleep last night. I promise we’ll quit earlier tonight.”
She gives me a skeptical look.
“Promise.” I laugh and reach for my own cup of lukewarm coffee.
“I don’t mind working late. It’s exciting to see this place taking off. It’s even bigger than the Chicago office.”
“I talked to Sheryl in accounting this morning, and you’ll have a very nice bonus coming with your next paycheck.”
Gretchen’s face lights up. “Thank you. I’m not here because I expected that. I like traveling to new places and helping you.”
“I know. But you’re great at what you do, and I plan to keep you for a very long time. The way to do that is to show you how much I appreciate you, rather than just telling you.”
I prefer actions to words. I remember reading that, not knowing it was actually Ryan, and thinking he might actually be something special. And it’s stayed with me. I’m working on showing my executive team how much I value them rather than just patting them on the back.
Gretchen gets up, grabs her bag, and heads for my office, dumping her nearly empty coffee cup in the trash on the way out. I know she’s exhausted—I am too—but hopefully, that bonus will help when she sees it in her bank account Friday morning.
I should go in and have lunch with the New York team. I’m all business with some of them, and I need to get to know more about their personal lives. But I’m worn out, and with my defenses down, I can’t deny how much I miss my conversations with Ryan.
For weeks, I told myself it was over, once I knew RoughRider’s identity. The magic was in the mystery. I couldn’t confide my deepest feelings and desires in my brother’s best friend, the man I’d known since he was a boy with scrawny arms and a crooked grin.
But I miss him. I don’t just miss the anonymous RoughRider; I miss the man he truly is, which means I miss Ryan. I told myself I was supposed to deny it, but why? Ryan started seeing me differently ten years ago, and I unknowingly started seeing him differently as we exchanged messages.
There are men I could reach out to for a date, sex, or just conversation to get my mind off Ryan. I don’t want to, though. There’s only one man I want to talk to, and wondering if he misses me too is about to drive me over the edge.
Even though I know he hasn’t messaged me, I open my Foxy app often, just to make sure. I open it for the second time today, sighing when I confirm he hasn’t written.
I’m so focused on getting the New York office open that during the day, I don’t have much time to think about where Ryan and I left things. But at night, even though I’m completely exhausted, I slip slowly into sleep, distracted by thoughts of him.
Does he check the Foxy app for no reason too? Is he trying to move on by dating someone? Does he really regret reaching out to me as RoughRider?
I guess he probably does. Like he said, he wants all or nothing, and our current relationship is more nothing than it’s ever been. But now that I’ve had time to think about things, I’m glad he did it. Ryan has had feelings for me for ten years, and I had no idea. What if he’d never told me?
It’s ridiculous for me to be sitting alone in this conference room, the unanswered questions still nagging at me. This is Ryan. I know him. I’m going to just ask him.
Before I can talk myself out of it, I message him.
SIENNAM: I know you’re teaching right now, but . . . hi.
I’m surprised when he writes back quickly.
ROUGHRIDER16: Hey. I’m teaching Driver’s Ed this morning, and I’m in between students.
SIENNAM: Yikes, like the actual driving part?
ROUGHRIDER16: Yep. The kids are more scared about it than I am . . . usually.
SIENNAM: What’s the 16 for in your screen name?
ROUGHRIDER16: My jersey number when I played football at Ohio State.
SIENNAM: Ah.
ROUGHRIDER16: Coop told me you’re in NY. How’s it going?
SIENNAM: Busy, but good.
SIENNAM: Do you miss our convos?
ROUGHRIDER16: Yes. Do you?
SIENNAM: Yes.
ROUGHRIDER16: Would they hold the same appeal now that you know it’s me?
SIENNAM: Would I be bringing it up if not?
ROUGHRIDER16: idk, would you?
SIENNAM: I’m totally swamped with work, and I try to fill in the gaps for Carmen with Jack as much as I can since Jack’s dad is a deadbeat loser, so I don’t have much of a social life.
ROUGHRIDER16: Same here. I’m crazy busy with football season.
SIENNAM: Does that mean you don’t have time for dating?
ROUGHRIDER16: Depends who’s asking . . .
SIENNAM: I’ve been wondering if you’re trying to move on by dating other women.
ROUGHRIDER16: No, not right now. You think I should?
SIENNAM: No.
SIENNAM: You hurt my feelings that night at my place.
ROUGHRIDER16: I’ve hurt over you for YEARS, babe. Call it even?
SIENNAM: Maybe . . .
ROUGHRIDER16: What do you want, Sienna? Don’t play games with me.
SIENNAM: I honestly don’t know. I guess what I’m saying is, if I had a different life . . . I’d want to date you. I’ve had time to get over the shock and see you in a different light. You’re amazing.
ROUGHRIDER16: Coming from you, that’s enough to sustain me for the next 20 years or so . . .
SIENNAM: Ryan Lennox, you have me on a pedestal. You’d be disappointed in the real deal. I’m a workaholic. I don’t know how to cook. I haven’t had a bikini wax in ages, and I kinda don’t even care.
ROUGHRIDER16: You can be my sugar mama, I’ll cook, and TRUST ME, I don’t give a fuck about it.
SIENNAM: I’m going to be here for the next week, then I’ll be in LA for a few days, then I need to be with Carmen and Jack. I truly don’t have time for even one date right now, but if I did . . . I’d want it to be with you.
ROUGHRIDER16: Why the change of heart?
SIENNAM: It wasn’t a change, really. I just needed time. And I still wouldn’t be all in, like you want, but . . . I just wanted to tell you . . . I think about you, and I miss you.
ROUGHRIDER16: That means a lot to me. I miss you too. More than I can put into words.
SIENNAM: I wish I could say let’s take a shot when things change for me, but with the NY and LA offices in the works, and Jack . . .
ROUGHRIDER16: What’s his prognosis?
SIENNAM: He has a type of Batten’s that makes it statistically impossible he’ll see adulthood.
ROUGHRIDER16: Fucking hell. I didn’t realize it was a certainty.
SIENNAM: It is.
ROUGHRIDER16: I’m sorry, but my student just got here. Talk later?
SIENNAM: Yes, this evening?
ROUGHRIDER16: Have practice and then reviewing film with my coaches. Would 9:30 work?
SIENNAM: Maybe? That’s 10:30 here, and I’m running on empty. If I don’t message tonight, I will tomorrow.
ROUGHRIDER16: Get some sleep, Pup. I’m not going anywhere. And I’m not just talking about tonight.
The words “RoughRider16 has left the conversation” are blurred by welling tears when they appear on my screen.
I’ve been let down too many times to hope, and I have to stay sharply focused on the Alpha Mail expansion, but like I do with Jack, I let myself savor the moment of joy.
This moment feels good. Better than I’ve felt in a while, actually. I smile, dab at the corners of my eyes, and head into the conference room for lunch.