Chapter Fourteen

She woke up and laid there in bed realizing that she was going to be getting married the next morning. My God, it had come quick, sneaking up on her when she least expected it. One minute she had been single, and the next she was there a day away from getting married; she couldn’t believe how time had flown. Though they didn’t have a long engagement at all. In fact, it had been only a few months; it was just what they had wanted. She had wondered though if maybe a longer engagement would have been better so she had a clearer picture of her future. What happened between Joshua and her at the AIDS benefit had conflicted her more than ever. She had stayed up all that night tossing and turning, unable to figure out what had happened between them or why she was so connected to Joshua. She didn’t have that feeling with Mike, and that was what kept her up at night. She worried that maybe there was something wrong with their relationship. She knew that she loved Mike, but did she love someone else more? They just didn’t have the same kind of intense physical and mental connection as she did with Joshua. Was that a bad thing? Or was it just something that lots of people learned to live without? She wasn’t sure. It had bothered her for days until she got back into the groove of her daily routine and just chose not to think about it any longer.

She crawled out of bed and started to get ready, dressing quickly, knowing that she had to get going as she had a lot to accomplish that day to get herself ready to be married the following day. She had all kinds of nervous butterflies in her stomach, and it made her a little uneasy. Since the AIDS benefit, she had not heard from Joshua again. It continued to baffle her more and more how he was able to just come and go. She had no idea what he wanted from her. If it wasn’t love, then what continued to pull him to her all the time? In Paris, he just wanted things to be casual, which was something he could have with anyone, so why did he keep coming back to her? It wasn’t fair because she felt lost with him, and the fact that he continued to leave without answer left her confused. Technically, she was the one that had walked out on him the last time in the bathroom, but she had fully expected him to come and find her and explain himself. Just like after Paris, however, she had never heard back from him. So what did it all mean? Had he been coming back for her once again or was he still hoping for a casual arrangement with her? It was something that plagued her mind. She would have loved to have had some closure from him before she married Mike, but sometimes you just never got what you wanted in life. She would be marrying the man she loved tomorrow, whether she got closure or not. She just wished she had some idea about what was going through his mind, and why he sought her out frequently. He had told her she was with the wrong guy, which implied that he wanted her to be with him. But did he really or was she just some prize that he was trying to win? Joshua could be very territorial at times, and knowing that she was marrying another man could be all it took for him to start sniffing around her again.

She had no evidence that Joshua felt anything but lust for her, and that was why she chose to go ahead with her wedding despite what happened at the AIDS benefit. She would need to tell Joshua at some point that he could not come around any longer because he was just causing trouble at that point, and she didn’t want anything to get in the way of her future marriage or happiness with Mike. Whether she liked it or not, she would need to remove Joshua from her life forever.

After a long day of rushing around like a chicken with its head cut off, Caroline was back at her apartment trying to wind down from all the excitement. All the last minute details were organized, and now all she wanted to do was relax. She was thoroughly exhausted and thought she probably should have had the bridesmaids handle the last minute arrangements, but she was a bit of a perfectionist when it came to these things, so she handled it all on her own. All she wanted now was a peaceful night at home with a bottle of wine. Tomorrow, she would be marrying the man she loved, and they would be starting their future together.

She had to say no to her bridal party’s idea of taking her out for the night. She wasn’t into all of the bachelorette party hooplas. She didn’t want to be out all night nor did she want to wake up on her wedding day tired and hungover; it just wasn’t worth it to her. They had offered to just take her out for dinner, but she wasn’t in the mood for it. She just wanted to spend some time with herself and reflect on the future. Having a couple of glasses of wine would be the perfect relaxation to get her ready for her big day.

She wouldn’t have much more time in the apartment anyways; in a few weeks, she would be moving in with Mike. She would miss her place after having been there for many years. But once the honeymoon was over, she would be living with her husband. So she just wanted to enjoy some time alone in her apartment before she had to say goodbye to all the memories she had accumulated there.

Caroline opened the bottle and poured some wine into a glass. Taking a sip from it, she wondered if they had rushed into getting married. Mike had wanted to do it right away, even suggesting to her that they elope immediately. She wasn’t into the idea, it being her first wedding, and all she wanted was to have all her friends and family in attendance for it. Caroline knew her father would have been quite upset had she gone off and eloped. The only thing she could suggest to Mike was that they plan a wedding that could happen right away. They were only engaged for a few months before she started to plan a wedding that would happen in another month’s time. Now that she was thinking about it, she wondered why Mike had been so anxious to tie the knot. Had he been afraid of losing her even back then? She couldn’t imagine it. He hadn’t even known about Joshua at that point.

So in the end, she had agreed to a quickie wedding and hired a wedding planner to get the job done swiftly. They sent out the wedding announcements immediately, and they started coming back just as quickly. Her parents had accepted Mike immediately because they saw the things in him that she had seen when she met him. They believed in his character and thought that Caroline had made a wonderful choice in a partner. At the time, it hadn’t seemed rushed, but now she wasn’t so sure that it had been the best course of action. It wasn’t that she didn’t love Mike because she did wholeheartedly, but she didn’t know why she had such a reaction to Joshua. That was what worried her the most. She didn’t like the fact that another man could make her react in such a way that she was powerless in his arms. That should be the kind of reaction she got from her husband, shouldn’t it?

She sat on her couch sipping wine and thinking about the wonderful future that she and Mike could have. She just needed to focus on that, and everything would work out just the way it was supposed to. The wedding would be flawless, and she had very little she needed to worry about the day of the wedding because it was all in the hands of the wedding planner. After the wedding, they would be flying off to Spain for their honeymoon. She had never been to Spain before, and she couldn’t be more excited about their little adventure there; it was so exciting that she could barely stand to wait. It would be a great start for them, creating their own memories for their future. She was making the right decision and just knew it.

Caroline looked up in surprise as there was a knock on the door. She had no idea who would show up on the night before her wedding unannounced. She had made it clear to Mike that he was not to come and see her before the wedding, so she knew it wasn’t him. Puzzled, she got up from the couch and headed for the door. She swung the door open and wished that she had ignored it all together. Her mouth hit the floor, and she just couldn’t believe her luck.

“You have to be kidding me. What the hell are you doing here?”

Joshua stood at the door looking rather sheepish for a change. Not that it mattered, just the sight of him angered her in more ways than one. She debated slamming the door in his face but decided against it. What was he thinking coming there? What if Mike would have been there? She wondered if he knew it was the night before her wedding because his timing was truly epic this time.

“Can we talk?”

“Ugh! Why the hell. It’s not right Joshua? You must be kidding me here. I can’t believe the absolute nerve of you.” Caroline stomped back into her apartment leaving him standing at the door. She plopped down on the couch and drank half of the glass of wine she poured. He stepped inside, and she realized she was shaking all over. Caroline couldn’t remember a time when she was angrier. The fact that he had shown up at her place like that just drove her insane. The thing that made her the angriest, however, was the fact that she realized, as soon as she saw him on the other side of the door, she was in love with him. He continued to stand there not saying a thing, and it was starting to nag at her.

“I suggest you start talking before I kick you out.”

He sighed deeply, looking sadder than ever. She had never seen him in such a state; usually, he was overly confident around her.

“I love you, Caroline. I always have; I’ve just been so stupid.”

For a moment there, Caroline thought she might throw up. She couldn’t believe what was happening right before her eyes on the eve of her wedding day. It was preposterous.

“Don’t you dare say that to me now. How could you?”

“I’m sorry baby. I really am. I’m a mess, and this is all my fault. But it’s true; I think I’ve loved you since the moment I met you.”

“Oh, my God. Do you realize this is the night before my wedding day? How could you be so selfish? Why are you doing this to me?”

“I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m just trying not to lose the best thing that ever happened to me. I’ve been fighting my feelings for so long as I tried to navigate my life and the company. I’m an idiot, and I know that. I almost lost my mind when I saw your wedding announcement. You can’t marry this guy, Caroline.”

Tears sprang up in her eyes. “Stop this.”

“I know I’m a complete shit for doing this, but don’t go through with something that’s a mistake. You don’t have to. Be with me; I will take care of you. I tried to let you go, but I can’t do it any longer. I need you, Caroline.”

Her heart was beating out of her chest, and she was so angry she thought she would tear the room apart. How could he do this to her? She had tried to be with him so many times, and he had failed her over and over again. How could he ask this of her now?

She screamed at him, her face turning a deep red, “Why couldn’t you have come back months ago? Why didn’t you come to me after the AIDS benefit? Honestly, Joshua, what the hell is wrong with you?”

He shrugged his shoulders, at a loss for words himself. “Don’t marry him,” he whispered.

“Why not? He loves me, and I love him too. He wanted to take care of me when you were too busy being “casual” with me. You didn’t want the whole package with me; you just wanted fun. Now that I’m about to be married, you want to come back? Why? So that you can leave again when you grow bored?”

“I could never grow bored of you. We have an insane connection, Caroline, you know that.”

“And yet it wasn’t strong enough for you to stay with me.”

“You can’t marry him. It wouldn’t be fair to him. You can’t deny that you love me too, maybe more than him. How could you marry another man when you have such strong feelings for me?”

“You don’t know the first thing about being fair, Joshua.” She shook her head, completely disgusted with him. They stood there in front of one another just staring each other down. Joshua stood there calmly while her heart was thrashing around in her ribcage. She tried to control her emotions, but it wasn’t easy. He was right; she did love him, but he was not a stable partner at all. She would always worry that he would leave her, and she didn’t need that kind of a person in her life.

Tears streamed down her face. “How could you do this, Joshua?”

He shook his head slowly. “I have no explanation, no good one anyways. I’m sorry; I fucked up. There’s nothing else I can say. But it will never happen again, I promise you. I should never have let you walk out of my life in Paris; it was the worst mistake of my life. I just thought I had the time to figure things out, ya know? I never would have thought you would be engaged a few months after Paris. Has it not occurred to you that you may have rushed into it? Maybe that’s my fault as well.”

Caroline felt angry all over again. She was furious that he was questioning her decision even though she had wondered about it herself. She just didn’t want him to have the satisfaction of knowing that.

“I don’t think we are rushing things at all. Mike is a great guy, Joshua. He knows how to treat a woman properly.”

“No, he rushed this to trap you. There’s no other reason why he would get married within a few months of meeting you. He just doesn’t want you to change your mind, and you will. I guarantee it. You guys don’t have what we do.”

“How do you know?”

“I know. I know because of how you kiss me.”

“Stop it. He’s not trapping me.”

“You guys barely know each other.”

“That doesn’t matter. We fell in love, and that won’t change.”

He narrowed his gaze at her, and she knew she hurt him. He wanted to say more but worried he might go too far and push her away. She knew that the thought of her being in love with someone else probably made him crazy. She wasn’t sure how she would feel if she found out that Joshua was marrying someone else but doubted that she would feel warm and fuzzy about it.

“Tell me that you love me,” he said.

“I need you to leave. This is too much for me. It doesn’t matter how I feel about you. I told another man that I would marry him, and I won’t go back on that promise. Not for someone who has left me so many times.”

“Choose me instead; marry me instead, Caroline. I love you, and I need you to change your mind.”

Caroline swallowed hard as she stared at him. Her mind was doing flip flops and her heart was trying to rip itself out of her chest and reach for him. She wanted him; she knew that much, but she couldn’t trust him, and that was a pretty big deal to her. There was a large part of her that wanted to run off with him, but she couldn’t allow herself to be that foolish. She didn’t want to give up everything only to have him change his mind on her again. She would not survive being left again, and she needed to protect her heart.

“Joshua, I chose you already, a few times, actually. I was going to tell Mike things were over between us after Paris and look what you pulled. Then again at the AIDS benefit—I never heard from you again after that. You said you weren’t ready for me, and I don’t know that you ever will be. Mike wants me now.”

“So you’re going to marry another man when you are in love with me?” he yelled, causing her to flinch.

“I love him.”

“So how are you going to love him with all your heart when part of it is with me?”

Tears filled her eyes again. “That will go away, eventually.”

“I doubt that very much. I can feel the chemistry right now between us; you can’t deny it, Caroline.”

“I don’t care. It’s too late. You waited too long.”

“Please Caroline; don’t do this.”

“We could have been something great, Joshua, and I did try with you. But I won’t hurt Mike when I can’t trust you to stay.”

“You belong with me.”

Her mind began to fog up again, and her heart was in so much pain over him. She was torn, but she knew she couldn’t allow her heart to run her decisions any longer. She had tried that already, and it didn’t work. She needed to get him out of her apartment; she couldn’t have that conversation any longer. If Mike decided to come and surprise her anyways, everything would go up in a cloud of smoke once he saw Joshua, there. She couldn’t risk it. Maybe that’s what Joshua was hoping for all along.

“I need you to go now, Joshua. I can’t do this anymore.”

“Caroline, please.” He was begging now, and it broke her heart.

She took a deep breath, willing herself to stay strong. “I’m marrying Mike tomorrow, Joshua. I’ve made my decision, and you need to respect that. It’s time for you to go.”

Joshua turned from her without another word and walked out the door. He didn’t slam it, but instead, he closed it silently. She went to the door and locked it behind him. She pressed her forehead against the cool wood and prayed that she was making the right decision.

“Goodbye Joshua,” she whispered.