chapter Twenty-Six
Die without You
Kamara
Thankfully TJ seems to have gotten better. I was so worried I’d have to take him to a hospital, while in a strange city. I didn’t want to take Toby away from the wedding.
When he did return home, his mood was so dark. Once he stripped out of his suit, he held TJ to his chest for the rest of the night. I could see they were healing each other.
Yet, now, I know Toby will have so much more to heal from. When he received the call earlier, he rushed to his brother’s side. I ached to follow, to be there for Nellie and the rest of the family, but I remained here, standing in prayer for them all.
I have never seen Toby so heartbroken. I think I have fallen in love with him even more today. To watch him have so much compassion for his brother and friend.
I watched Toby hurt, as if it were his direct loss, as he got ready to go to his brother. He’s been gone most of the day, supporting Wyatt and Nellie.
I have just put the twins down, when the door to the suite opens. Toby stumbles in, looking wrecked. His eyes find mine and the intensity in his golden eyes, threatens to blow me over.
Toby doesn’t say a word. He just moves to me. When he stops before me, I can see the emotions that are swirling in his orbs. I see hurt, loss, helplessness, and so much more.
I reach to cup his face, with one hand, placing the other on his chest. No words are exchanged right away. We both understand that sometimes words are not enough. Sometimes, you can understand someone just fine without them.
Toby cups both sides of my face, running his thumb over my lips. I watch, as need replaces all the other emotions swirling in his eyes. I bite my lip, and his finger takes another pass.
My mind is telling me this is a bad idea. I have not been cleared for intimacy, since having the twins. Toby must read the concern in my eyes.
“I know we can’t, but I need you,” he says, sounding almost pained.
“Then, I am yours, my king,” I reply.
~B~
Toby
I will never take my wife, my family, my own life for granted again. Watching both Nellie and Wyatt fall apart, tore something inside me. Wyatt is one of the strongest people I know.
Since I was little, I’ve wanted to be like my brother. Watching him allow himself to be vulnerable, to be everything for Nellie in her moment of need, spoke to something deep down in my soul. It made me wonder if I show my wife how much she means to me; how much I love her.
I’ve needed to be right here with her, hours ago. I’ve needed to get lost in her, in worshiping her the way she deserves. Today, I saw love. Not just between Wyatt and Nellie, but from my entire family.
The power of the love I witnessed really showed me the value of what I have. Kamara may be my secret, but she’s my world. If I had to watch her go through loss, if I lost her, I don’t know what I would do.
Then there’s the fact that I know she was scared yesterday, when our son was sick. Yet, she was brave and handled the situation so that I could be there for my brother. I’ve been in my feelings concerning how I feel about all of this and the burdens I hold.
However, I’m not in this alone. Kamara has got as much on her, if not more. It is her life, her crown at stake, and here she is. Looking at me like I’m her world, offering me comfort.
“I don’t want to take, I want to give,” I say gently. “I need to give.”
Her brows wrinkle, but she nods. I reach for her hand, leading her back into the bedroom. The twins are fast asleep in their carriers, beside the bed.
I pull Kamara to the bed, kicking off my shoes and climbing onto the mattress. Leaning over, I reach for her brush and comb from the nightstand. I straighten, reaching for her, pulling her to sit before me. As has become a habit, I start to braid her hair back.
I take my time, massaging her scalp in between braids. I comb my fingers through her mass of curls, careful to detangle with the comb when needed. When I finish, I rub her shoulders and dip my head to leave a trail of kisses on her neck.
She releases a sexy moan, causing my groin to tighten. I ignore my need and focus on giving Kamara what she needs. I wrap my arms around her, pressing my lips to her ear.
“I’m going to draw you a bath,” I say in her.
“That sounds nice,” she whispers.
I go to collect the twins, moving their carriers closer to the bathroom door, where we can see them from inside. I then usher Kamara into the bathroom. I move to the tub and start to run the water.
I move in front of Kamara, going for the hem of her t-shirt. She lifts her arms over her head and I tug it off. I push her sweatpants from her waist, down her legs.
Squatting in front of her, I kiss her tummy. I flick my tongue out against her soft skin, looking up through my lashes to watch her. I love the shy smile on her lips.
I look back at her skin. The stretch marks that are evidence of our children are such a turn on to me. I knew Kamara’s body inch by inch, before our children grew inside her.
Her skin was once flawless, not a blemish. Now, her skin says, I have been here. My children were inside her. Our lovemaking created life, within this beautiful skin. There is perfection in the fact that her skin is no longer completely perfect.
I stare at her so long, Kamara tries to cover her middle with her arms. I shake my head and block her arms, grasping her waist. I kiss my way across the patterns my son and daughter created on their mother’s flesh.
Hooking my fingers in her panties, I peel them slowly over her plump ass and thick thighs. I let them fall to the floor, landing with her sweats. I can smell her arousal.
I lick my lips, but hold onto my restraint. My hands glide over her backside, then back up her back, around to her front, making another trip back to her ass. I palm her cheeks, dipping my hands between them and squeeze.
“You’re so beautiful,” I murmur. “I have to be the luckiest man alive.”
Her cheeks glow and she ducks her head. The fact that I can still pull this reaction from her baffles me. She has to know she’s gorgeous.
I stand, dragging my hands over her body, as I lift to my full height. Her head lifts with me, her lips parting, and her brown eyes glowing back at me. I can’t resist moving in for a kiss.
It’s a slow kiss, a kiss that tells her everything I don’t have the words to say. I show her how much I love her, how much she means to me, that I can’t live without her. I pour everything I am into the kiss.
Nipping at her lips, exploring every corner of her mouth. Our tongues meet and it’s like we’ve created a new language. She tastes like life. My hands go to her ass, once again, pulling her into me.
I break the kiss, looking into her eye. “I’d die without you,” I rasp.
The words just float out. It’s my truth. I’ve loved this girl from the first time I saw her. I didn’t understand it then, but now I know. I know I’ve loved Kamara with everything I am and I will never regret it.
“I don’t think I could leave you. Even in death,” Kamara whispers back.
I reach for her hand, turning so that I can turn off the water. Bending, I stick my hand in the water to check the temperature. It’s perfect, just the way she likes it.
I turn, wrapping my fingers around her waist, lifting her to place her into the filled tub. I can’t help myself. I let my hands glide over her skin again, before taking her hands to lower her into the warm water.
Kamara looks up into my eyes, as she sits slowly. My eyes hood, as I stare back at her. My gaze drops to her full breasts. Her nipples are tight and pointed at me.
I smile and shake my head. The dirty thoughts that run through my mind that fast, nearly derail me. I wink at Kamara and turn for the bedroom. I have so much I want to tell her, but I’m not stupid.
The twins will pick up on our voices and wake, if I’m not careful. I go for my earbuds and head back for the bathroom. I pull my phone from my pocket, setting it and the earbuds by the bathtub. I then begin to strip from my own clothes.
Kamara sits forward to make room for me to climb in behind her. I lower into the water, wrapping an arm around her shoulders to bring her body back against my chest. The feel of her soft skin against mine is like coming home.
“I love you,” I whisper into her ear.
She cranes her neck to smile at me and mouths the same words. I reach out over the side of the tub, retrieving my phone and the earbuds. Plugging in the buds, I hand one to her and take the other for myself.
I tap in the title of the first song I want to play for her. The song comes on and I tighten my hold. Nate Ruess begins to sing, Nothing Without Love. I place my forehead to the back of her head, closing my lids and inhaling.
I truly am nothing without her love. I made it through today with thoughts of her alone. Knowing that if I ever needed someone the way Nellie does now, I would have Kamara. She would be my rock.
I think back to college, even before we started dating. I had so much going on at one point, with working for my father, classes, and playing for the basketball team. I sprained my ankle pretty bad and couldn’t do anything I was supposed to.
I was so bummed. I felt like I’d let everyone down. Kwäzē had a lot on his plate, but Kamara offered to help me out. I remember that time so clearly now.
“Hello, Toby, it is me,” she called into the apartment, as she entered.
I sat on the couch sulking, as I watched her walk in. Her bright smile had pulled me halfway out of my funk, without even trying. Everyone else had been too busy, but there she was.
“I thought I would come check on you. I brought you something to eat too,” she said brightly, that shy smile on her face.
“Thank you,” was all I could grumble.
She tilted her head to the side and gave me a saucy smile. “You are not going to be a sour ass the whole time I am here, are you?”
My mouth popped open and my eyes widened. My sour mood evaporated instantly. I couldn’t help the laugh that boomed from my chest.
It was the first time, Kamara showed me that side of herself, she never shows to others. I smile at the memory. I’ve seen Kamara tease with Kwäzē, but that sassy mouth is usually reserved for me. Now that I know she is royalty, I get it.
I cherish her even more for it. I know that we have a special bond. I get the parts of her she can’t reveal to the world.
The song ends and I find another. It’s older, I don’t think she’s heard it before. I play PM Dawn’s Die Without You. I know the song from Wyatt and Noah playing it.
Her body sags back into mine further. Her hands come up to grasp my arm around her. I can feel the energy shift between us. I’m sure if I reached down into the water, I would find her ready for me.
Thinking better of it, I don’t. Instead, I start to sway us to the song. Inhaling her scent repeatedly. She’s my air.
I kiss her shoulder, moving one hand to caress her breast. As soon as, I flick one of her nipples, both TJ and Lulu decide to wake up and let their presence be known. I chuckle against the back of Kamara’s head.
“Don’t move,” I sigh, pulling my earbud from my ear. “I have them. Take this time for you.”
I kiss the back of her head, her neck, and then her shoulder. I lift to step out of the tub, grabbing a towel to wrap around my waist. So much for my plans. I guess it’s for the best. Something tells me we both would have let it go too far.
~B~
Kamara
I’m left sitting in the tub stunned. It’s not Toby’s first romantic gesture ever, but this one will stick with me for life. I know Toby loves me, but tonight, he made me feel it.
I mourn his absence from the bathtub the moment he steps out. I turn my head to watch him, his tight ass coming into view, as he moves to wrap a towel around him. I smile and take in an eye full of him, as he moves to our children.
I watch until he and the carriers are out of view. I lean back and close my eyes. I allow a tear to fall, now that Toby has left the room. It is a tear of mixed emotions.
I feel loved, but I also feel a bit lonely. I miss my family. I sort of feel as I did when they fled, leaving me behind. With Lulu and TJ being so small and needing so much, I feel their absence all the more.
Nevertheless, that loneliness pales in this moment, knowing I have Toby by my side. I am in awe of him. I know he is in his own pain, but he has made me feel so special with his simple actions.
Another tear slips free and I know it is for my old friend, Nellie. She may not even remember me, but I remember her. In the short time that I knew her, she was a friend, when I didn’t have many.
I can’t even imagine the pain she must be in. Soon, I’m unable to hold back my tears at all. I’m just overwhelmed with life itself. I’m frustrated that I can’t do more.
I am sick of going through life feeling helpless. I cry silently, until I have exhausted myself. When I climb out of the water, I’m spent.
I towel off and walk into the bedroom. I pause as the dim room comes into focus. My heart swells and I feel the life reenter my body.
Toby has his back to the headboard. His long, sweatpants covered legs sprawled out. He has a baby wrapped in each of his muscled arms, resting against his chest.
All three of them are snoring. A smile covers my face. This has to get better. Moments like this, prove it won’t always be this way.
I allow Toby’s display of love, from less than an hour ago, fortify me. Our world may seem to be crumbling around us, but precious moments like this say otherwise. I get dressed and climb into bed with my little piece of a perfect world.