Chapter two
School Crush
Kamara
I have been here for six months. I wish I could say that it has gotten better and I have made a ton of friends. Yet, it has not.
Kwäzē fits in much better than I do. He is one of the cool kids. I’m just lost here. They make fun of the way I speak, my looks, my hair, my clothes, everything. I’ve cried so many tears, I sometimes wonder if what I’m running from in my country is so bad, but that’s only on the truly bad days.
I know I’m better off here. I just wish it wasn’t so hard. I would love to shout at them all. Where I’m from, they would have to show me respect. They would have no choice but to be my friends, but this is not my home. This is America, where no one knows who I am and no one cares.
“Hey, Kamara,” I hear from behind me, in the girls’ locker room.
I should rephrase that last thought. I have made a few friends. Nellie and Rebecca are always nice to me. I get that they are shy too. I think that’s why they have been so kind to me, I also think it is why we haven’t made more of an effort for us to hang out together.
I just don’t know what to say to other kids. Every time Kwäzē takes me around his friends, I clam up. It may have something to do with the fact that, whenever we go around Kwäzē’s friends that also includes Toby.
If I thought I had what they call a crush from just a photo, I am head over heels in love now. Toby is the coolest boy in our school. At least, he is to me.
I admire the girls that have the guts to talk to him. I also want to punch them all. Especially, when they try to embarrass me in front of Toby.
We already know I sound funny to everyone. Why must they point this out in front of Toby, every single day? I loathe the mean girls here.
I turn from my locker to look over my shoulder, holding my t-shirt to my chest to cover my bra. It hasn’t helped that I’ve started to grow larger breasts, since I’ve moved here to America. I have yet to become comfortable with the changes. Everything has changed so much in the last six months.
“Hello, Nellie,” I say with a smile.
“I was wondering,” Nellie says softly, pushing up her glasses. “I’ll be moving soon. Bean and I were going to go for pizza, after school, to sort of make some memories before I go. Would you like to come?”
My eyes grow wide. I can’t begin to say how happy I am to receive this offer. I don’t get invited to much, outside of my brother dragging me along to his events.
“Yes, please, I would like that,” I reply.
“Cool, some of the guys may tag along. I hope that’s okay. I know Kwäzē is at a meet or something. I wasn’t sure if you would still want to hang,” Nellie shrugs her small shoulders.
“That will be fine. I was going to walk home and read or something. I would like this much better,” I say, maybe too enthusiastically.
A few of the other girls nearby start to snicker. I drop my eyes and pull into myself. Nellie moves a little closer and whispers to me.
“You know what, Kamara. You have to stop letting them get to you. Fuck them, these bitches all wish they could be as gorgeous and confident as you,” she says.
My mouth falls open, I search her face for signs that she is teasing me. I don’t see any. I slowly pull my shirt over my head and turn fully towards Nellie.
“You think I’m confident,” I say with curiosity.
“Yeah, you have this…,” she takes a pause and taps her chin. She shakes her head and laughs. “I don’t know, when I look at you I always feel like I’m watching royalty. You have this aura about you, like you can’t help being confident. I don’t know.”
Nellie gives a small giggle and I try to laugh it off with her. If only she knew. She is so on target. I wrap my arms around my middle.
“Thank you for the invitation. It would be my pleasure,” I say, with a big smile.
I even hold my head a little higher. Nellie is right. I have to learn not to take things so seriously. Kwäzē has figured this out. Everyone accepts him. I will figure it out as well.
I wish Kwäzē and I had classes together so that I could learn how my brother does it, but I will figure it out on my own. It is hard, Kwäzē being skipped a grade ahead of me, but I can do this.
“Good,” Nellie chirps. “And it’s my treat.”
“Oh, no, let me treat you,” I insist.
“We’ll figure it out when we get there. Let’s get to the gym, before Mrs. Kohler has a fit,” she shrugs.
I nod and rush to put the rest of my things away and lock my locker. While Nellie has always been nice to me, this is one of the first times I feel like I’m being involved in something because of me, not Kwäzē.
I’ve longed to be included. I feel a little disappointed in the back of my mind. Knowing Nellie will be leaving makes this bitter sweet, but I plan to bask in this new friendship while I can.
“Hey, Kamara,” Rebecca or Bean, as everyone else calls her, says as she walks up to follow us out of the locker room. “Can you come out with us?”
“Oh yes, I will be there,” I say, unable to hide my excitement. I feel my cheeks warm.
These girls don’t understand how they have made my day. I was prepared to ask my parents for home schooling soon. I don’t know if I’ll make it through three more years like this.
Some of these kids can be ruthless. Sadly, my father says it is all beneath me and I should ignore it. That is easy for him to say. He is not the one going through this.
“Hey, Kamara. What’s up, Bean, Nellie.”
And that voice is the reason I have toughed it out. When Toby speaks to me, I feel like I can handle anything. I turn to see him leaning against the bleachers.
I have to tell myself to breathe. A pretty blonde is standing beside him. Kerry Porter looks like the type of girl Toby should be dating, by American standards. Long, silky hair, bright blue eyes, tanned, and thin.
I don’t hate Kerry for her looks. I hate her because she is one of the girls that have made it so difficult for me to acclimate to being here. She makes fun of my accent, she has tugged at my hair, and she has started rumors about me in class.
Thank God, for my brother and Toby. They are not around for the taunting and teasing. No, the others wouldn’t dare do those things in front of them. Still, when the rumors got out, the two of them put a stop to them right away.
Kwäzē would never let anyone disgrace my name. If he knew about the teasing, I’m sure he would put a stop to it too. I have only discussed the matter with my father and mother. I don’t want to be more trouble to my brother than I already am.
Kerry scowls at me, but I ignore her. Nellie’s words in the locker room come back to me. I lift my head and push my shoulders back. I may not be able to tell anyone who I am, but I can sure show them.
I will not be a victim in this. I’ve been feeling like I’m being nurtured to be a victim. It is not in my nature to be so, my mother and my father are warriors. They have just taken a protective stance with me and it has made me feel weak at times. I’m coming to resent it.
My eyes shift to Toby’s and the look I find there gives me another boost. I paste a smile on my lips and forge forward. I, Kamara Ogeima Naidoo, will not be made to feel less than.
“Hello, Toby, how are you today,” I ask, locking eyes with him.
A slow smile creeps onto his lips. It snatches my breath away, when it is in full bloom. Toby, Toby, Toby, you fry my brain, whenever I’m near you. Whatever, shall I do with these feelings.
~B~
Toby
Every time she’s around I have to try to think of anything but her. I don’t even think she knows how gorgeous she is. I see the sadness in her eyes, when she thinks no one is paying attention. Or should I say, when she thinks Kwäzē isn’t paying attention.
He is, he’s just trying to give her time to do this on her own. Kwäzē doesn’t want to force friends on her and he doesn’t want to dictate what she does. I think it’s cool, the way he looks out for her. My brothers and I have the same type of understanding. We all want to be our own men.
Well, most of us are trying to be Wyatt or Noah. They’re fucking awesome, so you can’t blame us. We just want to be our own versions of them. At least, that’s how it is for me.
Even now, I’m trying to think of the best way to handle this. What would Wyatt do? I want to talk to Kamara. Shit, I would love to ask her out on a date. Not that I think her father would let her date me.
I still can’t get that day from six months ago out of my head. Outside the school office that first day Kamara started school, Mr. Naidoo said a whole lot to me, without saying much. I took his words as a warning to stay away, but I can’t help feeling like he was trying to tell me something more.
“You have been a friend of my son’s from the time you were young boys. I could not have picked a better companion for him. You have fought for Kwäzē, when he has needed someone in his corner.
“It is my hope that you will see my daughter as the same type of friend and offer her the same type of friendship and protection,” he said, while looking me in the eyes.
“Of course, Sir. I’ll treat her like my own sister,” I promised.
“This is good. Thank you, Toby. This is very good,” he nodded, speaking more to himself.
That day, I could read the same reluctance to say more that I’d read in Kwäzē, earlier that morning. It’s like they were asking me for something without asking me. I shook it off as me being a private eyes’ kid. Always looking for something not there.
Dad’s been training us for the business. After school and on weekends, we hang out around the office. It’s pretty much a given that we’ll all help out someday, in one way or another.
We already study up on old cases. Not to mention, the fact that we have mandatory weapons and combat training. Dad’s been taking on more bounties. He wants us all to be able to handle ourselves if ever we get into an altercation, during a bounty collection.
Maybe it’s all that time with Dad at the office that has me trying to see what I’m missing with this girl. There is something I see in her that I don’t see in other girls. It’s more than the fact that she’s gorgeous.
Kamara has secrets. It’s as if she’s living a secret. It’s ingrained in her to be guarded. Others may not notice it, but I see the way she watches her own words. I see the split-second delay in her responses, which indicates that she’s thinking of her answers. Even when it’s something that shouldn’t require a thought.
I see it and it makes me want to protect whatever she’s trying to keep from everyone else. I just can’t help that I want to be on the other end of those secrets. The side that requires her trust.
Only, I know damn well I have no business wanting that. All I can offer Kamara is my friendship. Girls like Kerry are more my speed. With the crook of a finger, Kerry will be whatever I need her to be. Lately, she’s been my distraction from trying to go after my best friend’s sister.
Yet, in this moment, there’s just something about the look in Kamara’s eyes that I can’t resist. I just need to look in those eyes and hear her voice for little while. I’ve seen how hard moving here has been for her. Although, at the moment, I see a new light in her eyes that has my curiosity peeked.
I want to know what put that smile on her face, and that…confidence. Yeah, that’s what’s drawing me in. It’s a confidence I haven’t seen in her before. Sure, Kamara has this thing about her. This natural security in her own skin.
Honestly, most the pretty girls at our school have this false confidence. You can tell they’re acting. All the makeup, clothes, and latest styles, help them pretend to be something they’re not. Not Kamara, she’s awesome in who she is and doesn’t even have a clue. She’s not trying, she just is.
Hearing my name on her lips is almost enough to make my day. What does actually make my day, is when I can’t stop my feet from moving forward. I stop right in front of Kamara and tug at the front of her t-shirt.
I give her a crooked smile, watching her eyes grow wide. I’m taking this too far, but I can’t stop myself. It’s like all the times I’ve wanted to reach out to her, over the last six months, boil over into this very moment.
“I’m doing just great. I love this t-shirt,” I say easily. “Smurfs?”
“Oh, thank you. I think they are adorable. I watch them in the mornings,” I’m thrilled that she’s speaking so freely, I almost want to tug the rest of the words from her mouth, when she clamps it shut.
“Who watches the Smurfs anymore?” Kerry’s voice comes from beside me.
“I used to watch them all the time. I didn’t know they still come on. You’ll have to let me know what channel you’re watching. I’m missing out,” I reply, not looking away from Kamara.
“You guys still going for pizza?” I force myself to look away from Kamara to ask Nellie.
“Yeah, I just asked Kamara to come along with us,” Nellie chirps.
I feel a ping in my chest, knowing Nellie will be moving soon. She’s always been one of my good friends. Nellie can get me to smile when no one else can. She tells it like it is and can be just like one of the guys.
I also hate that Kamara is losing what has the potential to be a good friend. Nellie, Bean, and Kamara can be on the shy side. I think if the three of them weren’t so introverted, they’d all already be friends. Just one more thing I’ve observed.
“Cool,” I murmur. To keep from touching Kamara again, I move to wrap an arm around Nellie’s shoulders. “I’m going to miss you, Kid.”
“Yeah,” Nellie blinks back tears. “You guys don’t even know how much this sucks. I’m going to miss you too.”
“Wait, Toby, I thought you were coming to my place after school,” Kerry pouts.
Fuck, I almost forgot she was standing here. I had planned to drop by her place, before meeting everyone at the pizza parlor. I was planning to let her put that big mouth to work. Fuck.
I hate myself when I see the light vanish from Kamara’s eyes. I promise you, I feel like I’m cheating, as I watch her eyes dim and turn from me. I know it’s stupid to feel that way, but I do.
“Maybe some other time,” I tell Kerry, but it’s too late to correct the damage she’s already caused.
Kerry tugs on my arm to get my attention. I haven’t taken my eyes off of Kamara once. I’ve been well aware of her every reaction this whole time.
I turn towards Kerry slowly, reluctant to take my eyes from Kamara. Kerry has fire in her eyes, but it’s not directed at me. She’s scowling at Kamara. I don’t like it, not one bit.
“You said you were coming over, what changed now?” She snaps at me.
I tug my arm from her grasp. I look at her like she’s crazy. “Dude, did you not just hear me make plans? That’s what changed. I’m going to hang with my friends,” I reply.
Kerry schools her features, painting on a smile and placing a hand on my chest. “I thought I could show you something new later,” she purrs.
“Doubt it,” I snort and brush her arm off my chest. Coach blows the whistle, signaling it’s time for class to start. “I’ll see you guys later. Don’t forget I need that channel, Kamara.”
~B~
Kamara
Today has been a rough day. I went from feeling like I was flying on a cloud, to wanting to go home and climb in my bed for the rest of the school year. I believe Kerry is trying to make my life miserable.
I have a few other classes with her that I do not share with Toby. I enjoy academics immensely. I’ve not shied away from participating in class, until today.
Every time I would answer a question, Kerry would complain she didn’t understand my answer. ‘I can’t understand her,’ she repeated until the other kids in class started to snicker. At that point, I just kept to myself.
I almost didn’t come along to hang out with Nellie and Rebecca. It isn’t easy being the new girl. It has proven ten times harder to be the new girl from Africa, or should I say from New York. I’ve almost slipped several times in my frustration.
I know I have to keep my wits. I have greater responsibilities than silly high school bullies. My father’s voice rings in my ear repeatedly. ‘One day you will understand your purpose.’
I only decided to join the girls because I didn’t want to disappoint Nellie. It was nice of her to ask me here in the first place. I look around the pizza parlor. It is pretty busy.
I reach up, smoothing a hand over my afro puff. I look down at my orange, brown, and green top. My mother made it for me. It is traditional African garb, the fabric is from Nigeria.
It is nothing like the clothes the other kids are wearing. I swallow nervously and look over to the corner where Toby, Felix, Johnathan, and their two younger brothers are standing. I don’t remember the two younger brothers’ names. I’ve only met them a time or two.
All of the Black brothers that I’ve met are gorgeous, but there is something special about Toby, something unique. I don’t know if I can explain it. He brings life to wherever he is.
Even now, all of the girls are trying to get his attention. I look away. They’re all girls not dressed like me. None of them talk like me.
“You like Toby, don’t you,” Heather whispers beside me.
I look over to the older girl, sitting next to me. She is Rebecca’s cousin. From what they have told me, she is a Freshman in college. This is my first time meeting her, but she has been so nice to me.
I’m startled by her observation. I look around to see if anyone else has overheard her words. I bite my lip and look back into Heather’s eyes. She’s waiting for my reply, but I don’t know what to say.
I don’t know if I should trust this girl, but I’m sort of tired of hiding my feelings. I want someone I can share with. I take a breath and decide to try to make a friend. Hopefully, since she isn’t in high school, she may not be a mean girl. I’m hoping her maturity will show. Something about this girl tells me I can share with her.
“Yes, I think he is very handsome,” I whisper and feel my cheeks heat.
“Yeah, they all are. Just be careful. The Blacks have reputations for breaking hearts and leaving trails behind them,” she warns.
“I have heard this,” I nod and look back over to the counter.
“Although, I have to say. Toby is a pretty good guy. If you were going to crush on anyone, he’s a good choice.”
“Who’s a good choice for what,” Nellie asks, pushing up her glasses, after she places a tray of pizza in the center of the table.
My head snaps to Heather, my eyes pleading with her to keep my secret. She gives me a small smile and nod. I breathe a sigh of relief when she answers.
“We were talking about the yearly science fair. Kamara still needs to find a partner,” Heather shrugs.
“Thank God, I’m getting out of that one,” Nellie groans.
“I would have much rather had my partner assigned,” Rebecca huffs, taking the seat next to Nellie.
“Yes, that may have made this easier for me,” I nod.
“It’s bad enough we have the winter formal coming up and its ladies’ choice. I’m convinced they’re trying to embarrass us all this year,” Rebecca sags in her seat.
“I don’t think I have that kind of courage,” I shiver.
All the girls giggle at me. I feel the tension of the day wash away a bit. Nellie slides a slice of pizza in front of me.
“How much do I owe you?” I ask, reaching for my backpack.
“Nothing, Toby paid for it,” Nellie shrugs and tears into her slice.
I feel my heart leap from my chest. I can’t help wondering if he intended to pay for the slice he knew I would eat. I look back towards the front of the shop.
My heart deflates, when I see Kerry and her friends now surrounding Toby. He has a smile on his face, as he talks to them. It is a reminder that I’m nothing like them. I’ll never be anything like those girls.
“Maybe I’m just not ready for boys,” I murmur to myself.
“Huh?” Nellie says with wrinkled brows.
“Nothing,” I say for everyone to hear.
“You’ll be fine,” Heather leans in to whisper in my ear.
Yes, I like Heather. My secret is safe with her. I think she has some of her own. Nonetheless, for now, I know I can trust her with my silly crush.