Prologue
Evie,
Months and months have passed, and I have tried to crawl my way out of the depths of hell. I’ve tried to return to the land of the living, and be the man you need me to be; the pillar of strength you deserve. But, broken hearted and beaten down, I’m a pathetic excuse of a man. There is no glass half full, or the possibility of sunshine after the rain. There’s only darkness. Strangling me from the inside out; there will only ever be darkness.
With your tiny breaths filling the room, I watch your body rise and fall while you sleep. I allow myself to notice how much you’ve changed and let the blame seep into my pores. My eyes rake over your body. Small and petite, you curl yourself around a pillow; the pillow that has become the stand-in body, to hold, hug and provide comfort. The dark circles under your eyes, the way your collarbones protrude, I’ve pushed you to look the exact same way that I feel. Lifeless.
I’ve sunk into the depths of hell, plagued by an eternity of nothingness, I am painfully aware that if we continue this way, I will drag you down. The emptiness that consumes me will consume us, and the love we shared will be a distant memory. With time, it will fade, and you and I will be hollow, dull versions of the people we once were. Passing like two ships, we won’t touch, we won’t talk and we will forget how to live. This hole in my heart is big, slicing me in two. Each rip more painful than the last. The pain is crippling and my God, is it constant. Like dead weight, I carry it around with me every fucking day and I can’t do it anymore. I thought I could survive the destruction, that together we would heal, but here and now, it’s just like a knife digging deeper into my wounds every damn day and I don’t know if I can handle it any longer.
Watching you last night for the millionth time, I realized this was the end. The end of us, and the end of me. I can no longer stand to see you sneak off into our daughter’s room when you think I’m asleep. I know you hide your pain from me, and it does nothing but make it worse that I can’t make it better for you. There’s nothing left of me, and my heart doesn’t know how to deal with watching your body shake as you try to stifle the sobs. With her clothes and toys scattered all over her handmade quilt, I watch you; my wife, break down, and I watch your heart shatter into a million more pieces than the night before. And the piece of shit that I am can’t do anything. Won’t do anything? I’m not even sure of which one it is.
What I do know is that my beautiful, courageous and loving Evie is falling apart, and I can’t save you. I can’t hold you, I can’t wipe your tears and I can’t tell you it’s going to be better. Empty. Void. Exhausted. I’m a shell of the man I used to be, I’m no longer me. I’m no longer a father, and I’m no longer a husband. I am a failure. And for that, I am so, so sorry.
You are more than my first love. You are more than my last love…
You are my GREAT love.
Evie, My Love. My Heart. My Soul. My Everything.
Forgive Me. Remember Me.
Love Me.
James
* * *
His arms around my waist hold me back as I kick and scream. Clawing at his skin, I try to loosen his grip. Words pour out of my mouth, but nothing’s making sense. My nails puncture his skin. His soft whispers contradict my wailing. Nothing is registering. I know I’m hurting him, but I’m so far removed I can’t stop. My hiccupped sobbing has turned into howling; add the way his body is suffocating mine, and I can barely breathe. I haven’t eaten in days and when your will to live is taken, everything else comes second. The coffin finally passes our pew, and I feel the moment his mask slips and grief slaps him in the face. His grip loosens and the fight leaves his body. I don’t think twice. I run. I run away from him, away from them, and throw myself onto the hard, solid wood. The pallbearers stop and gently place the coffin on the floor. Awkwardly standing around, everyone stares as I lower my body and clumsily manage to curl my body around the coffin.
This can’t be happening. I’ve already lost her. I should be there with them. Like a mantra, I repeat it. I close my eyes and hope this is all a dream. Slipping into darkness, I pray to God to take me. Put me out of my misery.
This can’t be happening. I’ve already lost her. I’ll be with you soon.