Knocking on Mr. Harrison’s door, I held up the resumes. “You want to take a look at these before I give them to Nancy?”

He motioned for me to come in and I did, placing the papers in his outstretched hand. “Finally picked your team?”

“I think so.”

He shuffled through them quickly, barely scanning them. “It’s your team. I won’t interfere with who you hire unless it becomes a problem down the line.”

“Speaking of, I wanted to ask about a summer intern. I know Nancy usually assigns them based on skills and need, but I had someone specific in mind from the pool. I’ve already run it by her and she says I’m on the list to be assigned one.”

“Fine by me,” he said as he passed the resumes back. “Headed to Connecticut tomorrow?”

“Yeah, I’m going to check in with Mr. Sterling tomorrow afternoon before the reception.”

“Good for him,” he said on a laugh. Mr. Harrison was well aware of Allen’s turnover rate with wives. “And good for you. Maybe a forced night out will be good for you. Have a little fun and cause a little trouble.”

I left his office without another word, pondering the kind of fun and trouble I was looking to get into this weekend. All my ideas were 8B-specific.

As I was packing up my office, Leika sent a text.

 

Leika: Drinks? I’m already at our usual spot.

Me: Be there in twenty.

 

As I walked to the bar my mind drifted to Bianca, as it had all week. I hadn’t heard from her much since Sunday. I’d been trying to give her space to make up her own mind on what she wanted, but I knew she had to give JC Engineering an answer, maybe already had, and that made me anxious beyond words. Had I factored into her decision at all? Maybe it was selfish to hope that I was at least a consideration. I hadn’t given her much of a reason to and I understood her desire to help her family. But Bianca belonged in New York. To New York. She lit it up and it lit her up.

Leika waited at our usual bar. Same booth, same drinks, but Leika didn’t wear her usual bubbly, happy smile.

“Court,” she said sternly by way of greeting.

She stood, and I gave her a hug. “Uh-oh. What did I do?”

“I was about to ask you the same thing.”

We sat, and I poured a drink and eyed her warily over the pitcher.

“Bianca,” she finally said throwing her arms up. “She hasn’t returned any of my texts since Friday night. What.did.you.do?”

I was sure the culpability was written all over my face. Confirmed when Leika shrieked, “Oh my God, tell me you didn’t sleep with her?!”

“What? I thought you liked Bianca?” I’d been expecting Leika to be thrilled when or if she found out that Bianca and I were more than friends. I thought she’d be ecstatic that I’d finally found someone decent. She’d been after me about settling down with a nice girl for as long as I could remember.

“I do and so do you, which is exactly the problem.”

Trying to wrap my brain around her logic, I scrunched my eyes together and took a long pull from the glass.

“You’re gonna have to explain that to me because I’m not getting it,” I finally said after I swallowed down the light beer Leika always insisted on ordering.

She let out a sigh like it was beyond obvious and I was being thick-headed. Maybe she was right, but I was still lost.

“You’re treating her just like all the others you disposed of so quickly. Bianca is not a wham-bam-thank you ma’am girl.”

Laughter exploded from my chest. “Seriously?”

She rolled her eyes and took a drink from her glass.

“I’m not treating her like the others. I brought her here, I introduced her to you, I spent an entire day with her. When’s the last time I went on a day date?”

When was the last time I’d been on any date that wasn’t solely a payment for sex later?

Her posture relaxed, but a sad expression crossed Leika’s face. “I know. I know you’re trying, but you need to get yourself together first. You’re barreling down head first without any consideration for how your shit is going to impact her. Are you still going to Connecticut this weekend? Does she know?”

My chest tightened and the darkness that had lifted since I’d met Bianca descended on me. “Some of it.”

“She needs to know. All of it. All of you. You can’t start a relationship with someone like Bianca until she understands your past and the impacts it has on you now. Doing it this way where you let her fall in love with you and then she finds out pieces of the story later is going to end terribly for both of you. She’ll feel betrayed that you weren’t open and honest and then when she runs scared you’ll feel aban…” Her words trailed off, but the blow didn’t hurt any less.

Abandoned. She was going to say abandoned.

Leika and I didn’t talk much about our shit. I didn’t mention her fear of just about everything – walking the streets of New York after dark, convenience stores, being home alone. They stemmed from a place of excruciating pain that she wouldn’t let herself go back to. The night her parents died in front of her. And she didn’t mention my inability to let people in for fear of them leaving me. Abandoning me like my parents and every foster parent after them.

Leika let out a deep breath. “Look, I get it. You think telling Jeff my childhood sad story was easy or that it was something I wanted to do? Hell no. But he had to know in order to truly understand me. And your shit is way more fucked up than mine,” she added with a smile trying to lighten the mood.

I gave her a solemn nod.

“Bianca is good and understanding. She deserves to know, and I promise you telling her will lift a weight off you.”

“Hmpf,” I mumbled, as I drained the glass.

 

 

I was still chewing over Leika’s words as the plane made its final descent into Connecticut the next morning. The ride had been bumpy, turbulence making the plane rattle and shake, and I couldn’t help but wonder if it was a sign of what was to come.

I took a cab straight to Mr. Sterling’s office and straight into the chaos. Everyone stood around chatting and laughing. No one even pretended to work. It seemed Allen’s excitement for tonight had the whole office in a celebratory mood. There was cake in the break room and Allen Sterling himself was in the center of it all. Big, boisterous laugher erupted from him and filled the room. I couldn’t help but be jealous of him. Despite my certainty that this relationship would end like all the others, he seemed so purely, blissfully happy.

When he spotted me standing in the doorway, he beckoned to me. “Court, come in, come in. The office threw me a little pre-reception celebration. Have a piece of cake.”

Shrugging my laptop bag higher on my shoulder, I hung in the doorway. “No, thanks. I was just gonna set up in the conference room. Will you have time to go over the latest reports?”

He waved me off like work was the last thing on his mind. “It can wait. Put your stuff down in the conference room and come join us.”

Forcing a smile and reminding myself that he was paying me to be here, I did as he said. When I rejoined him, Margaret had also appeared, hanging on one side and standing on the other a young man that looked less than thrilled to be there.

“Court, you remember Margaret. And this is my son Theodore.”

Something pushed in the back of my brain. Some sort of awareness or memory, but it was quickly forgotten as Theodore stepped forward. “Nice to meet you, sir.”

Great, I was a sir. I took a closer look at the young man in front of me. His dress pants and button up shirt were pressed neatly, and he had the defiant, chiseled chin of a kid that had lived a posh life but still thought he could relate to people.

“You too.”

Theodore gave me a polite nod and then turned back to his dad. “I gotta get going. I’ll see you tonight.”

With that he left, and Allen moved his attention to me. “They’re always coming and going at that age. Speaking of going, I know you just got here but I need to see Margaret home so she can get ready for tonight.” He glanced at his watch. “Why don’t you go check into the hotel and we’ll meet back here in an hour to go over the reports?”

Running a palm over my chin, I gave a small nod. “Great, see you then.”

I swallowed, my throat thick with tension. I knew exactly what I needed to do with my sudden free time, but when I arrived at Bianca’s apartment I paced outside in the parking lot so long people started to stare at me like I was cracked out. That was exactly how I felt. Or what I assumed it felt like.

 

Me: You home? I’m outside.

 

Instead of responding by text, she opened the door and waved. I walked to her trying to piece together what I needed to say. How I could possibly say any of it without scaring her away for good.

I took in her standard uniform – floral dress and leggings and the familiarity of it, moved me forward.

“Hey, I didn’t think I’d see you until tomorrow,” she said as she held the door wide for me to enter.

There was a pause and it looked like she wanted to embrace me, but I couldn’t allow her to touch me before I’d unloaded.

“Sorry, I should have called but I needed to see you.”

By the concern on her face I knew she’d read the worry and trouble in my words and demeanor.

“Is everything okay?”

I motioned for her to sit in the living room and I followed her to the couch. I drummed my fingers nervously on my thigh as I started speaking. Rip it off like a Band-aid – just tell her everything.

“I wasn’t completely honest with you in New York.”

Her hackles went up – back stiff and hands nervously clutched in her lap.

“You asked about my parents.” I cleared my throat and asked myself for the trillionth time why I was here? Why was I telling her this? The answers were all the same.

I wanted a future with my 8B.

“The truth is, I did look them up. About a year ago, I hired someone to do some digging. Leika thought it might help give me some sort of closure and I guess I was curious, too.”

I watched sadness and nervousness pinch her features, but she didn’t speak.

“My parents were young when I was born. Fifteen. They were from a place not far from here in Connecticut. On top of getting knocked up that young, my mother was an addict. The best I could find out she was sent away to stay with some relatives in New York City. When I was born, the state took me from her – because of the addiction. She OD’ed a few months later.

“Oh my God,” she said and covered her mouth with both hands. “Court –” she moved to scoot closer to me, but I raised a hand.

“Let me finish.” I needed to get it all out. I’d held it in too long. I hadn’t even been this forthcoming with Leika. She’d had to pry information from me bit by bit over months. But I needed Bianca to know. And if I didn’t tell her now I didn’t think I ever would.

“Most babies get adopted – it’s the older kids that have a harder time being placed, but my mother had used during the pregnancy and so I,” my voice broke. “I was born dependent on opioids. Drug babies aren’t quite as easy to love – we scream for the first few months of our lives and some end up with a whole slew of medical issues. I guess I was lucky in that regard, I was healthy. But I wasn’t a baby anyone wanted because of it so I bounced around foster homes. I did that most my life. I never stayed in the same place more than a few years. Some of the foster parents had good intentions, some of them just did it for the paycheck, but it didn’t matter. I was too angry at the world for it to matter who they put me with. I refused to talk or cooperate, I was a complete asshole if I did speak to them. As I got older and people stopped trying to connect with me, I found trouble in other ways. I did shit I’m not proud of – stealing, vandalism, basically I was a punk.”

“You were acting out,” she added.

I nodded. “Maybe. I was bitter and pissed at the world. Anybody that tried to get close I ran off and eventually people stopped trying. I was just biding my time until I could be on my own.”

“What about your father?” Bianca looked pale like it was her past we were uncovering instead of mine. “You said your mother died, but what happened to your father?”

I let out a breath. “He stayed in Connecticut. Went on to finish high school, college, got married, had more kids. I never heard from him or my mother’s family. It’s like after she died they all just forgot about me too.”

“Are you sure he even knows about you. If her family sent her away…”

I nodded solemnly. “His signature was on the paperwork. He signed away his rights.”

“I’m so sorry Court.”

We sat in silence for a few moments and Bianca wrung her hands nervously while I worked up the courage to continue.

“That’s not all.” I scrubbed a hand over my chin. “He’s still here. In Connecticut. In this damn city.”

She looked up, wide eyes and mouth parted. “Are you going to reach out to him?”

I looked at her sweet unassuming innocence so excited at the possibility of me finally finding a family and I’d never felt so hard and dark by comparison.

“Yes, but not in the way you think.” I sighed. “This isn’t about reconnecting with my father, so he can wrap me in his arms and tell me how much he thought of me over the years.” Even as I said the words I couldn’t keep the tiniest bit of hope from taking purchase. Hope was dangerous, and I needed to keep it carefully in check. “But I do want to move on and I think telling him what an asshole I think he is might be the only way I can do that.”

“But, what if –”

“What if he wants to be a father to a thirty-four-year-old man he never met?” I laughed. “He’s a big shot in the community. He’s not going to want some drug baby secret to come out and tarnish his reputation.”

“You don’t know that,” she insisted.

I scoffed. “If he’d wanted to find me he could have. He had the means and plenty of opportunity. Anyway, that is why I’m here. Why I took a client here and why I’m here now. Ten months I’ve been sitting on this information. Waiting, trying to decide if I really wanted to come face to face with him, but now I’ve practically been gift-wrapped an opportunity and it feels like the right time. I can speak my peace and be done with him.”

Bianca scrunched up her face like she was trying to understand.

“He watched her get sent away and just wiped his hands of both of us.”

“Court you don’t know that.”

“I know enough. I just want to look him in the eye once and demand he face the consequences of his actions.”

It sounded so much more callous when I said it out loud. But he’d built a whole life pretending I didn’t exist. Like my mother had been nothing. I wanted to be rid of him the same way – erase him from my life forever.

Her blue eyes turned the shade of a country love song – sad but mesmerizing.

“What?” I finally asked and hated the way my voice cracked. Hated that I was still affected by the shit that happened to me before I was even born.

“I’m so sorry for what you went through, but are you sure you want to do this? You have a father that’s alive and he’s here. Can’t you give him the benefit of the doubt? There are a million reasons why he might have stayed away,” Bianca pleaded.

I’d waited patiently for this moment. The time I could look my father in the eyes and remind him that no matter how rich or successful he was, no matter how picture perfect his life looked from the outside, I would always be around as a permanent reminder of the shitty person he really was. He was good on paper, but a mother fucking failure in my eyes.

I scoffed. He wasn’t getting the benefit of anything from me.

“Please don’t try and talk me out of it. I care about you and your opinion means a lot to me, but I need to do this.”

“I agree.” She nodded. “You should connect with him if that’s what you want, but don’t walk in there guns blazing, talk to him – ask him the questions so you know. If you’re already assuming the worst, what can it hurt?”

Bianca scooted closer and took my hand. Warmth and contentment spread through me.

“Do you know why I majored in electrical engineering?”

I shrugged, thrown by the change of topic. I knew Bianca loved math and problem solving, but I guess I never thought about what led her to electrical engineering.

“When I was a kid we lived in this dumpy apartment in the lower east side. It was gross and just dirty,” she shuddered as if remembering the place. “Among its many charms was shotty wiring. Anyway, the maintenance guy was nice, and he didn’t mind too awfully much when I tagged along. He let me hold the flashlight and he talked to me as he fixed electrical issues in the building. Which by the way, turns out he knew very little – I guess that sorta explains why there was always a new issue. Anyway, the problem solving, and the intricacies of the wires were cool, but it was the excitement on people’s faces when we fixed the problem that I loved. No matter how many times the lights went off, when we flipped a switch on a blackened apartment and light flooded the darkened space, their faces literally lit up with the room.”

Her face was happy and free in remembrance.

“You brought them light,” I said more to myself than her. I did understand because it was exactly how she made me feel. Being around Bianca brought a lightness to my life. A blazing white heat to the darkness I carried with me.

“I know it’s incredibly cliché, but I believe that good overcomes evil. That when things seem impossible, there is a way to solve it if you just look at it from another angle. And that light will always return.”

“I don’t expect you to understand,” I muttered quietly. How could she possibly? Her with a loving family. She couldn’t fathom a world where people didn’t cherish and protect their children.

“I do,” she said and laced her fingers with mine. “I understand you. I see you and I see light.”

My face twisted with pain and resignation.

“Why are you telling me all of this now?”

Instead of answering her, I leaned forward to brush my lips against hers. I soaked up all of her. All the goodness and all the hope for the future. Maybe there would be another 8B down the line for me. She wouldn’t be as perfect, but I didn’t deserve perfection. Didn’t deserve her. Couldn’t she see that?

“Court,” she said when I pulled back.

I looked down at her beautiful face and tried to memorize every detail.

“I want to be there for you. Messy or not. This is what relationships are, letting people be there for you and being there for them. Not just in the good times, but in the bad too. I’m here. Right here,” she placed a hand on my chest. “I’m not going anywhere. Do what you need to do. I’ll be here. I want to be there when the light floods your face again.”

I wanted to laugh off the possibility that was true, but her tone was dead serious and so I let her words take purchase just a tiny bit. Was it possible she still wanted me? Why would anyone want any part of my fucked-up life? I wasn’t good for anyone. Never had been. Wasn’t the story I just told her evidence of that?