“Are you sure it’s okay I’m here?” I fidgeted with the neckline of my dress as Todd and I made our way up to the front of the hotel. I knew that this was important, but my heart and my mind weren’t in it.

“It’s fine, I promise. There’s no reason to be nervous.” He stopped and grabbed my hand, looking down at me with his smiling brown eyes. This was the Todd I had fallen for. The one that had made my stomach flutter and my heart race. Charming, sweet, reassuring. But my body was completely unaffected by him now.

I nodded, but the truth was I was less nervous about meeting Todd’s family than I was about Court – wherever he was. I’d been tempted to stay home until he called, but the logical side of me knew I needed to take this opportunity to meet Todd’s uncle. And it wasn’t like I could do anything pacing the floor of my apartment. Still, I clutched my handbag to my side and willed it to vibrate with a call or text from Court.

This afternoon had felt like him saying goodbye, but I wasn’t going to let him push me away so easily. I was prepared to show him that I would stand beside him through good and bad. He was important to me and I was confident that I was important to him too.

I pushed away the guilt about being out with Todd. I should have told Court, explained the entire situation while he was sharing his truths, but there hadn’t been a moment that felt right to bring it up. And I guess I was scared. Would he understand why I needed to be friends with Todd? Or that despite not wanting to be with him that I wanted to be his friend – even without his connections. Todd was someone that had been there for me when I’d needed someone to talk to and that meant something to me.

“It’s really just a party,” Todd said as we walked through the lobby to the ballroom. “This is his fifth wife and they already did a big wedding with reception. This is just an excuse to throw another big shindig.”

Sadness for Todd’s life, however perfectly-packaged, stung as I pictured what his life had been like growing up. His mother had died when he was young, and his father had been inserting new stepmothers into his life in rapid fire succession. That couldn’t have been easy.

“Come on, let’s get a drink before we say hello to my dad and new mommy dearest.”

“Okay,” I laughed, and he shot me a wink and a smile as he pulled me inside the ballroom.

The affair was elaborate and over the top like nothing I’d seen before. The room stretched out in all directions. Instead of the usual reception setup of round tables for guests and the bride and groom sitting stiffly at a head table at the front of the room, couches and chairs were placed in groups all around. A band was set up in one corner. Not a DJ - a full band who sounded good enough to be on the radio. Maybe they were. I took it all in feeling more like I was in a posh night club than a hotel ballroom as Todd pulled me toward one of the many bars set up around the room.

“This is incredible,” I said and let the soft music relax me.

Todd looked around with a dismissive glance. Was he really so unaffected by the money and class of a party like this? I wanted to ask if the previous four had been like this, but instead I accepted the champagne glass he handed me and sipped carefully.

The bride was easy to spot, despite her lack of white and veil. She stood in the center of the room wearing a red dress that dipped low in the front, a middle-aged man I knew immediately was Todd’s father thanks to the matching build and stature stood hoveringly to the side. They clung to one another in that newlywed fashion. Maybe this marriage would be different – maybe it would last. I hoped so for Todd’s sake.

“You want to dance?” Todd motioned with his head to where a few couples had gathered in front of the band.

Fear made my eyes go wide. I didn’t know how to dance the way people here were dancing. Unless it was shuffling side to side and swaying my hips I was useless on a dance floor. “You know how to dance like that?”

“Sure.”

“I think I’ll pass.”

I shook my head. I’d thought I had a clear picture of just how different Todd and my life had been growing up, but this night was taking it to a whole new level. I felt a sudden relief that we’d classified our relationship to the friend zone because not only did I not feel comfortable surrounded by this much money, I didn’t think I ever would. And I was okay with that. Money was a means to an end for me, not something to be paraded around. I didn’t judge them for their over the top spending, but I couldn’t imagine a time it would feel normal either.

“Alright, well, let’s get the social obligations over with and we can hang in the corner by the bar. I don’t see my uncle yet, but he’ll be here.”

I followed behind Todd, his warm hand cupping mine, as he made his way through the crowd to the happy couple. They stood in the middle of a circle of sharply dressed men in suits and beautiful women. Todd’s father, Mr. Sterling, tilted his head back and laughed as we approached the group and he looked so much like his son I had a sudden image of what Todd might be like in twenty years. The thought that Todd might end up with a slew of ex-wives and a child that resented him for it, made me depressed.

My thoughts were cut short when a voice cut through all the others, striking me with force and voltage so powerful I stopped, rooted to the spot.

No, no, no.

Todd, unaware that I’d stopped, continued pulling me behind him and the sudden momentum had me off balance and tripping. I gasped as I rammed into his shoulder, gaining the attention of the group in front of us. All eyes were on us, but I felt his bore into me. I was vaguely aware of Todd introducing me to his father and the new wife. I shook their hands and mumbled my greetings, but the hurt and confusion I felt from the man to my left overpowered it all.

“And this is – I’m sorry, I forgot your name,” Todd said, and I finally forced my eyes to Court.

“Court,” he responded in a rough voice and reached his hand out to me like we’d never met. I took his hand, the jolt of his touch nearly breaking me.

“I thought your name was Theodore?” Court asked Todd like he was trying to catch up to what was going on as well.

“I go by Todd. Something my dad never adjusted to,” he said simply.

I was still lost in a million possibilities and scenarios and feeling like I was going to throw up when another man joined us. I felt Court’s demeanor change immediately and when I looked up, the hard lines of his perfect, beautiful jaw were clenched so tightly I nearly didn’t recognize him. I followed his hard gaze to the man who had joined us.

“Uncle Cal,” Todd said, his face beaming with pride. He looked to me with stars in his eyes. “I’d like you to meet my uncle Dr. Callahan Sterling.”

The man gave me a friendly smile and pulled Todd into an affectionate hug. I struggled to return the smile. I could feel the hatred radiating off Court.

“You must be the lovely young woman my nephew has told me so much about.”

“B-bianca,” I said with a quivering voice and extended a hand. He shook it once, a genuine warmth to his smile.

I pulled my hand back first and stole a look at Court whose eyes were wild as he looked from me to Dr. Sterling. He looked so young and fragile and utterly confused as he tried to make out what was happening. I didn’t want to be right, but it fell together like a math problem I’d been studying for hours. The man I’d hoped would be a hero to my family, to my mother, was the person responsible for all the walls Court built around himself. The person who had left him to the mercy of the system.

The doctor spoke as my mind raced through all the implications of this discovery, and I forced my attention back to him.

“I am so very sorry to hear about your mother’s diagnosis. I work with a lot of people living with Parkinson’s. I’m sure Todd has told you, but I’d be happy to look over her case and meet with her if she’s interested. We’re doing some clinical trials now that have been encouraging with preventing dementia and some of the more progressive symptoms.” He spoke quietly so as not to be heard by the people next to us, but Court hovered at my side and I knew he was hanging on every word.

“Thank you. That’s very generous of you.”

I forced myself to meet Court’s eyes. Pain and hopelessness etched in stone. My heart broke for him, for the boy who’d spent his whole life not feeling good enough, and for myself because how did this change things? Was this man as good as Todd said or as bad as Court thought? Was it possible to be both?

Court finally stepped forward, placing a hand at my back protectively but I felt the intensity in the angle and tone of his voice. “Dr. Callahan Sterling?”

Holding my breath, I watched the doctor’s face carefully. Would he recognize Court? Would Court call him out right here in front of everyone? I couldn’t venture a guess and I didn’t know which way I hoped it’d go.

“Nice to meet you. I didn’t catch your name,” Dr. Sterling said with an easy smile and extended a hand.

The faintest smile played on Court’s lips. “Courtney Adams.”

If I hadn’t been so carefully watching the exchange I might have missed the way Court held onto the shake too long or the way Dr. Sterling paled and stilled as the name registered.

“And how do you know these two?” He asked Court but looked to his brother.

Allen Sterling placed a hand on Court’s shoulder. “Court here is the best damn risk analyst I’ve worked with in the past twenty years. Sharp as nails and dedicated to his work. All work and no play. Sort of like you, brother.”

I whimpered at the statement, no longer able to bear witness to whatever was going to go down. I accepted two things. One, Dr. Sterling was Court’s father and he knew exactly who Court was. And two, Allen and Todd were completely oblivious, confirming something I’d hoped wasn’t true – that his father had kept him a secret.

I turned to Todd and quietly muttered, “I’m sorry, I need to…” I trailed off, no excuse seemed fitting. “Please excuse me.”

I didn’t look back to see Todd’s reaction at my brash departure, I just hurried out of the ballroom looking for a place to hide. I found the restroom first and hustled through the large oak door to a thankfully empty room.

I slunk against the wall and let a tear fall. For what I wasn’t even sure. For Court? For my mom? For everything?

The creak of the door opening alerted me that someone had entered, but it was his presence I felt. Current flowed between us.

“Is he why getting Todd was so important to you?” His words were mean and accusing.

“No,” I pushed away from the wall ready to defend my intentions. “I never expected this. Todd wanted to help so he invited me here to introduce me to his uncle… your father.”

“Why didn’t you tell me about Todd and Uncle Cal?” he said the last part in a mocking voice and it rankled me that he was mocking my friend who had done nothing to him.

“I don’t know. I wasn’t sure how to bring it up and then today…”

He paced the white tiles of the ladies’ room. “Fuck, Bianca. I’m having a hard time wrapping my brain around this. Are you with Todd? Was everything between us really just about getting him… about his connections?”

“What? No, of course not. You can’t really believe that.”

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or believe. You show up here tonight with him and now I find out he’s related to my father? That’s some shit.”

“He recognized you,” I said quietly.

He nodded. “Yep. His reaction is about what I expected.”

“Are you going to talk to him here tonight?”

“I don’t know. Yes. Maybe. I don’t know,” he repeated.

“Look, Court, Todd speaks so highly of his uncle. Go talk to him. I know it won’t be easy, but…”

His eyes darkened, and his hands balled into fists at his side. “That man –”

“Is a world-renowned doctor. A respected member of the community. I know what he did thirty-five years ago was crappy, but it doesn’t mean he’s all bad. I need him. He is the best shot my mother has. Her bullshit doctors in New York sure as hell aren’t going to give her the same level of care.”

A pained expression pinched up his face. “He abandoned me. He abandoned my mother.”

I nodded because I guess I knew as soon as I’d put it together that I’d made a decision. It was why it hurt so damn much. “And I hate him for that, but I need him more than I hate him. And I think you need him to – if only to get some closure.”

“So that’s it? You’re choosing Todd and my deadbeat dad over me?”

“No, this has nothing to do with Todd or you. It’s not even about me. My mother needs him.”

A strangled groan erupted as he shoved both hands through his hair. I shook my head and placed a hand on his face.

“This is silly. We’re talking in hypotheticals and you haven’t even given him a chance.”

“And hypothetically if I told you the thought of him helping you makes me see red? That I’d do everything in my power to bring him down with a scandal of a drug baby he abandoned as a teenager just so he could go nowhere near you or your family? What then? Would you still want to be there for me? You said this is what a relationship was – being there for each other when it was messy – well, 8B, this is about as messy as it gets.”

“Is that what you want? A relationship with me?”

“I care about you. A lot. I want to be with you,” he said, but visibly stiffened. I believed in his feelings for me, but he’d said time and again, in so many different ways, that he wasn’t capable of committing.

“We can figure this out together. You don’t need him.”

“That’s not fair. You’re asking me to choose between what’s best for my mother and what’s best for you. You can’t ask me to make that kind of choice.”

“Life isn’t fair.”

He looked at me expectantly, waiting for my answer.

“It goes both ways. You have to be there for me, too. And if you can’t understand why I need him...”

“No, I don’t understand. You’re hiding behind your mother’s illness like it excuses you for hurting me. It doesn’t, and you are. There are other doctors.”

“That is not what I’m doing. God, how can you be so dense? My mother is sick. Maybe you don’t want family, friends, or people in your life, but I do. I hold on to mine tightly and I’ll do whatever I need to help my mom get a few more good years before she can’t live a normal life. No one that truly cared about me would ask me to make a choice that would hurt my family.”

I looked down at my feet and summoned all the courage I could as I imagined my mother and the carefree smile that used to play on her face. “If you can’t stand by me that’s on you, but it doesn’t change anything. I need him.”

He shook his head, eyes wild. “You’re choosing to need him.”

Exasperated, heart shattering in my chest, I exhaled a breath and stood straight, confident in what was necessary. “I guess it’s on you to decide what you want then. Talk to him, don’t talk to him. Be there for me or not… I can’t force you to be in this with me. I can’t make you…”

My voice trailed off. I couldn’t make him love me. I felt the current between us, but did he? Was I shuffling my feet and forcing a spark?

“I can’t make you want me as much as I want you.”

He growled like a wild beast and slammed a fist down on to the marble counter top. The dragons were back. I hadn’t slayed them. I hadn’t brought him light.

And the worst part is my own light had dimmed. I’d had a glimpse of how perfect things could be between us, and now it was gone.

Knowing we were at a stalemate, I slipped out of the ladies’ room wanting my mom and New York liked I’d never wanted either before. I wanted to hear her voice, see her smile, and wrap myself into her arms. I longed for her soothing pats while she comforted me humming softly under her breath. The best parts of sickness and heartbreak were the moments spent with my mom while she put my broken pieces back together.

Todd leaned against the wall just outside the ball room. He pushed off the wall and met me halfway, giving me a confused and worried glance. I gave him a brittle smile.

“He said to give this to you.” Todd handed me over his uncle’s business card with a grin. “He’s pretty great, huh?”

My smile and hands felt shaky.

“Thank you, Todd,” I said as I slipped it into my purse. “I’m actually not feeling very well. I think I’m gonna head home.”

“Bummer. Let me tell my dad and we’ll get out of here.”

“No, stay. It’s your dad’s fifth wedding reception. How often do those come around?” I joked as my heart broke a little more. “I’ll be fine.”

He put his hands in his pockets and smiled at me. “You’ll be okay?”

“I’ll be fine. Thank you for tonight. It was really decent of you.”

He shrugged as if it had been no big deal and I guess it wasn’t to him. I wondered if things had been different would I have been happy with him? Would he have ever really been happy with me? I couldn’t place my feelings anymore. How much of my attraction for Todd was tied to his connections and the desperation I felt to get my mother help? I wanted to think I was able to separate the two, but the guilt that nagged at me wasn’t so sure.

After Todd went back inside I marched around the entrance. I’d half convinced myself to go back inside and find Court, but a small part of me – mostly my pride – cowered. God, I didn’t know if I could stand to see the hurt in his eyes again, but I wanted him to know that I loved him. Maybe that was selfish because it probably didn’t matter at this point, but I wanted to tell him. I wanted to scream it because he was so deserving of love and I didn’t think he’d been told near enough.

Was he in there right now talking to his father? Maybe there was still a chance they’d talk, and everything would work out okay.

I steeled my nerves and prepared myself to run through that door, find Court and love him like he’d never been loved before when my phone rang, and hope bubbled in my chest. I answered without reading the screen so anxious to hear Court’s voice nothing else mattered. Instead, Leo’s voice spoke in my ear.

“Bianca,” his voice was broken, and dread washed over me. Tears pricked at my eyes and I knew. I knew before he even said another word. “It’s mom.”