May and June went by without Bianca and somehow, I survived despite the ache in my chest. With July came the warm weather, dinners out on the patio, and a new team of wide-eyed and eager recent graduates and college kids to manage all on my own.

I hadn’t had to deal much with Allen Sterling. No visits to Connecticut, just a couple conference calls where I waited for him to fire me, his own nephew, but if Dr. Sterling had said a word to him, Allen never let on.

I’d started to prep one of my new team members to take over the account; I was itching to be free from all ties to the Sterling family. I’d never been so grateful that my mother had given me her last name instead of his. Maybe she’d known he’d never accept me as his own. Had that been why she’d named me after his mother? A silent fuck you for abandoning us?

Things marched on exactly like they’d done before, only I wasn’t the same. I was now painfully aware of the solitude I’d created for myself. Work didn’t satisfy me like it had before, but I threw myself into it anyway desperate to distract myself.

And so, I settled back into things. Almost as if Bianca had never happened. But she had, and it was the little things that hurt the most. The way I checked my phone first thing in the morning waiting for the good morning texts I’d gotten used to her sending. Every woman I saw –sitting across from me on the subway, the barista at the coffee shop, even Nancy in HR – they all wore blue around their eyes and I wanted to wipe it from their faces. It belonged to her and to her mother. Ridiculous, I know, but that’s where I was.

And Leo. He’d been hired as an intern, placed on my team as I’d asked, and now I saw him three days a week. It made me feel closer and further from Bianca. A million things rattled around – things I wanted to ask him, about Bianca, about their mom, about him, but I couldn’t bring myself to ask. Didn’t think I deserved to know any of it.

I was the first one into the conference room for our weekly team meeting, followed by Leo. His hair was a shaggy mess as I’d come to learn was his style, but he wore a nice pressed pair of khakis and an oversized button-down shirt that I guessed was probably his father’s.

“Hey, Leo.”

He gave a small wave and took a seat a few chairs down from me. “Hi, Court.”

“How are things going?” I asked, leaving it purposely vague so maybe he’d tell me about more than just how work was going for him.

He nodded a little too enthusiastically. “Really great. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your getting me the job.”

My face warmed because I hadn’t meant to make him feel like he owed me or needed to thank me. Fuck. It was a shit intern job.

“And your brother, what did he end up doing this summer?”

It seemed like a safer question than the one I wanted to ask, but as his face fell serious and grave I wished I had just stuck to the weather or sports.

“He’s decided to do his own thing working nights so he could spend days with mom. Ever since the accident, he’s been…”

He continued but I only half heard as he went on. Accident?

I don’t know why I wanted to act like I knew. Maybe because Leo had assumed I did and I wanted to live in a world where I was still a part of Bianca’s life enough that I would be privy to those sorts of details. So instead of asking what happened and admitting I was in the dark, I asked, “How’s she doing?”

A few others on the team were entering the room now so Leo’s tone lifted, and he gave a nod to those entering as he answered. “Much better. Although, I think that could be more about Bianca moving back than anything else. She always has been mom’s favorite.”

I gaped, but Leo didn’t notice because the room was now filled with the team and the usual greetings and chatter that preempted our meetings was getting underway.

I must have said and looked the part of Court the boss man because no one seemed concerned by the noise in my head or the pounding of my heart as Leo’s information tore back open my only half-mended heart.

She was back. Bianca had moved back. I didn’t know why or what it meant, but just knowing she was back in the city she loved fed me with happiness. And then that happiness destroyed whatever hope I had left of her ever speaking to me again. She’d come back, but she hadn’t called me.

The day was too busy to give into the compulsion to obsess over the new information and figure out what to do with it, and it wasn’t until I was walking to the bar to meet Leika for our weekly drink that I could start to mull over what it all meant.

It was only five blocks to the bar, not nearly enough time to run through the million different reasons I thought Bianca might have come back. Was it the accident Leo had referred to? Had she come back for the job at JC Engineering? Was it the allure of New York City?

I really wanted to believe some part of her had at least thought of me as she’d made the decision to come back, but the radio silence for the last nine weeks was hard to get past. It stung that she hadn’t contacted me, hadn’t thought to call or text to let me know she was back. And it pissed me off that I’d somehow let someone in and gave them the power to hurt me. I didn’t even know how it had happened. She’d fused herself to me and I couldn’t separate the pieces that belonged to her. Couldn’t separate the pieces of my life that didn’t feel wrong without her part of it.

Leika was already at our table, as usual, but instead of her wary smirk she wore an all-out smile that was so big and genuine it made my mood feel even darker. Sluggishly I made my way to the table and opened my arms in time for her to throw herself into them.

“I’m engaged!” she squealed happily and squeezed me tightly.

Shit. I’d completely forgotten about Jeff planning to propose. She pulled back and we scooted into the booth. She made a show of her hand flashing the diamond ring on her finger.

“Congratulations!” I said in a voice that I hoped was cheerier than I felt. “When did he do it?”

“Last weekend,” she said smiling in that contented way people looked when they talked about proposals and weddings. “He took me to his parents’ house in Jersey and did it in front of the whole family.” She paused for dramatic effect. Leika felt the same way I did about big families – they made us uncomfortable. We didn’t know what to do or how to act with that many people hovering around us. “Aunts, uncles, cousins, even his great grandma was there,” she finished with an eye roll.

“Well you must really love him then since you said yes,” I pointed out.

She sighed. “I do, lucky fucker.”

“So, are you going to plan some gaudy, awful wedding and make people watch you walk down the aisle and do the cha cha slide?”

“Yep, might as well pick out your cummerbund now.” I groaned and Leika laughed. “Also, it’s going to be in New Jersey.”

“You’re killing me,” I told her as I spun the drink in front of me in slow circles, two hands wrapped around the glass to keep it steady.

“I know, I know,” she said and shot me a small smile. “But you’re gonna have to get used to weekends in the garden state because I’m going to need you to visit me occasionally and keep me sane.” She bit her bottom lip and waited for my reaction.

When realization finally dawned, I pulled at the collar of my shirt and loosened my tie. Leika was moving. I should have seen it coming sooner, but Leika had always complained about Jeff’s big, noisy family and the way they were always getting in their business. I never imagined she’d move away from New York – let alone to Jersey.

“Why? His family makes you crazy?”

Leika studied me for a moment. With a shrug, she said, “I think that’s what family is. A bunch of flawed people that you choose to love despite how crazy they make you. Jeff makes me want to scream sometimes but I still love the shit out of him. You too,” she kicked me under the table. “And someday I’m going to have kids of my own and I want them to have all of that. A grandma that babysits, cousins to get in trouble with, birthday parties with everyone…” her voice trailed off, but I heard the hope and joy in her words.

She was taking all the bad shit and moving past it toward a future that was everything she’d been denied. I should have been happy for her. I was, deep down somewhere that I couldn’t access right now because everything in my own life was so completely fucked.

“I don’t know what to say,” I admitted as I scrubbed a hand over my face.

A sad look crossed her face. “Say you’re happy for me and that even though it’ll be inconvenient, and you hate taking the train, that you’ll come visit me and still be part of my life.”

I nodded. “I am happy for you. It just feels weird, I guess. You’re the only family I’ve ever had and now it’s like you’re getting adopted and joining this big, happy family and leaving me behind.”

“You’ll always be my family, Court. If it weren’t for you…” her voice broke and I kicked her back under the table.

“I’m excited for you, kid. When’s all this happening?”

“Soon. Sometime this month hopefully. We’re going back tomorrow to try and nail down dates and find a place to live that isn’t his parents’ basement.”

I let out a chuckle and sat back in the booth trying to relax and enjoy this, knowing soon these types of outings would have to be planned out way in advanced and would probably be weeks or months in between.

“Now, your turn for the hot seat.” Leika sat forward and leaned her elbows on the table. “Have you called Bianca?”

I shot her a look of surprise. Leika had treaded carefully around the topic since the confrontation with my father. “No, she made things clear the last time I saw her.”

I left out the part about her being back and not having contacted me, but then something struck me… Leika latched on to Bianca right away when they met, in fact I knew that Leika had texted Bianca after she’d gone back to school.

“Did you know she’s back?” I accused.

Leika smirked. No hint of apology in her voice when she said, “I wondered when you were going to figure that out.”

“How exactly was I supposed to figure that out? It’s not like we’re still speaking. The only reason I know is because her brother let it slip her mother had an accident. Is she okay?”

“I’m not playing messenger. If you want to know you’ll have to call her yourself.”

“She made a choice,” I said through gritted teeth.

“A choice to get her mother the best doctor she could find. Do you really hold that against her while blackmailing him to help her at the same time?”

“You know it isn’t that simple.”

“It is to her.”

“I just –” my voice cut out and I hesitated, trying to decide if I was really going to admit what Leika already knew but I’d never confirmed with words. I took a deep breath. “I thought she was different. That she would stand by my side and fight with me. Fight for me. I thought she’d stay.”

“Her mother is sick, Court. She didn’t do it to hurt you. In fact, my guess is it hurt her a great deal to make that choice. The ridiculous thing is that she did exactly what you wished everyone would have done for you – she stood by the people who love and depend on her. It’s who she is. She will always stand by the people she loves, you included, but you have to earn that love. Right now, she needs you. It’d be a good time to stop wishing things were different and start showing her how much she means to you. Does she have any clue what you did for her? Why your father is helping them?”

“No.” I shot her a warning look. “You didn’t tell her, did you?”

“Of course not, but I think she has a right to know.”

“All that matters is her mom gets the care she needs.”

Leika smirked as she lifted her glass. “You’re completely in love with her.”

My eyes widened, and a weight settled in my stomach. I didn’t bother refuting Leika’s words. Maybe I hadn’t said it aloud, but I’d been grappling with the same realization for weeks now. I couldn’t get her out of my system. Didn’t even really want to.

“Can we talk about something else?” I muttered and swallowed the last of my beer.

“Sure,” Leika chirped. “Let’s talk about the toast you’re going to give at my engagement party next weekend.”

I shook my head and let out a rough chuckle. “Why don’t you just write it for me since I’m sure you have a very specific list of things I can and cannot say.”

It was after eight when Leika finally sighed and said she needed to get home to pack for her weekend away. We hugged, both holding on for a little longer than usual. Things were changing, and it seemed we both felt uneasy about that.

“Love ya, kid,” I said as I pressed a kiss to her temple. “Make sure your place has a spare bedroom. If I’m visiting freaking New Jersey I don’t want to sleep on the couch.”