A knock at my front door pulled me from Arnold taking down bad guys and winning the girl. It was Sunday, my binge-watch day. The one day of the week I didn’t leave the house if I could help it. And I couldn’t remember a time anyone had ever shown up without calling. Pressing pause on the movie, I sat forward and waited to see if they’d go away. Maybe it was a wrong door or a solicitor.

Another knock. This time louder and a few raps longer. I stood and moved to the door, more annoyed than curious. I peered out through the peephole. The woman on the other side wore perfectly ironed slacks and a pink cardigan. She bit at her lower lip and shifted uncomfortably, but it didn’t distract from the air of money and upper class about her. Cursing under my breath, I opened the door to Mrs. Callahan Sterling.

She gave me a shaky smile when I didn’t greet her. “Hi, I’m –”

“I know who you are,” I said.

“Oh,” she bit at her lower lip again as if unsure about her decision to come here, but then straightened. “Could I come in for a moment?”

I opened the door wide by way of invitation and she entered the apartment walking straight to the kitchen counter and placing her purse on top of it as if she planned to stay awhile.

“What can I do for you Mrs. Sterling?” I asked, staying close to the door and crossing my arms over my chest.

“Please, call me Mercy. I’m sorry to just drop in, but I was in the city and I wanted to introduce myself.”

That struck me as funny and I smirked. “I don’t mean to be rude here, but can we just skip to why you’re really here?”

She smiled at me and sat on one of the barstools looking far more comfortable than I would have guessed

“Okay, then.” She removed a folder from her purse and placed it on the counter with a light slap. “Now that Mrs. Winters is no longer under your father’s care he,” she paused and corrected, “we wanted to see if there was any way we could work out an agreement to keep this all under wraps.”

“What do you mean she’s no longer under his care?”

“The family requested to be transferred to another doctor located here in New York.”

Color me confused. Of all the things I expected her to say, that wasn’t even on the radar.

She stood and drew her purse up to the crook of her elbow. “There’s a check in the folder, a non-disclosure agreement, as well as some personal affects he thought you might like.”

“I don’t want his money.”

She narrowed her eyes. She couldn’t fathom any other reason I’d done this to their perfect family and I just felt sad for her. Money didn’t buy happiness or loyalty. People that were easily bought were easily manipulated, too, and I wasn’t someone they could play games with.

“I’m sorry for what happened to you.”

“But?” I asked because she looked like she wasn’t finished.

“I’m just not sorry enough to put my own family through this kind of ordeal.”

I nodded. I got that. It made sense. I didn’t like her much, but I understood her at least. She was protecting her family. I wasn’t hers to protect. But I had been his.

She strode over to me and stopped. “He became the man he is today because of you, because of her. I’m sure that doesn’t make you feel better, but you’ve always been the driving force behind his motivation to do good in the world.”

I scoffed because a) the idea that my shitty life made him a better man just straight pissed me off and b) if she thought their life was a penance then she’d never understand a life like I had been dealt.

With that, she left, not even a goodbye as she shut the door behind her. I stared after her for several long minutes feeling so goddamn angry and hurt and angrier that it hurt because fuck this seemed to be a theme with me now – letting down my guard and feeling the ache of disappointment all over again like I was just a kid.

I moved to the kitchen in a haze, opened the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water. The feel of the cool plastic around my fingers and in my mouth eased some of the heat that sat in my chest and radiated through my limbs.

I spotted the folder and moved around it, eyeing it like a poisonous animal. Curiosity got the better of me. On top was the check. Apparently, Dr. and Mrs. Sterling thought two-hundred thousand dollars was the going rate for a lifetime of neglect. I used the paper underneath the check to move it out of the way, not even wanting to touch the money that was supposed to make up for the fact he hadn’t wanted me. Still didn’t want me.

The non-disclosure had his messy handwriting already scribbled at the bottom and reminded me too much of the way he’d signed me away in the first place.

Moving on, the last thing in the folder was a white envelope, the seal left unglued. Inside were a stack of photos. A young man and woman stared up at me and I flipped over the photo to see the names, but I already knew – it was my mother who stared up at me, a wide smile on her lips as she leaned into Callahan Sterling.

The next several photos were just of her – a school picture where she gave a forced, half-smile, a picture of her in a cheerleading outfit holding red and white pom-poms high over her head, and last, a picture of her with closed eyes and pursed lips tilted up like she’d been about to kiss the person holding the camera.

I wondered, not for the first time, what had happened – what circumstances brought her from a smiling cheerleader to an addict that couldn’t stay clean to care for her own child. Was it possible she’d always been both?

I stepped away from the counter and shoved both hands into my hair. My head roared, and I hated that my quest for revenge had turned into something that was twisting and turning my insides. I cared about the answers to the questions screaming in my head. I wanted to know, and man did that fucking sting.

I snatched my cell off the coffee table in the living room and dialed the number – the digits never called but memorized like I’d dialed them a million times. He answered on the third ring, his polite but curt hello only further grating my nerves.

“Why did you abandon her?”

He was quiet for a moment, but I didn’t fill the silence to ease the tension.

“She was an addict. She couldn’t have been reasoned with. We were young, and it wasn’t the kind of thing people did, especially in my family.”

I noted his word choice. She couldn’t have been reasoned with. Not she couldn’t be – he hadn’t even tried. He was a coward. Had been then and still was. I’d heard everything I needed to know. He couldn’t give me any answers that would fill me with peace. I was going to have to find it on my own. Without him. It was time to let go of any hatred or hope toward him because they were hard to separate. The only way to ease my hatred had become to hope for something different. And I didn’t want to expect or receive anything from him.

He must have taken my continued silence as my desire for him to tell me more and he spoke again. “Cassie wasn’t welcome after my parents found out,” his voice cracked, “neither of you would have been welcome. It was better this way.”

A heavy silence crackled between us.

“Are you still there?” he asked, and I nodded several times before I answered.

“Yeah, I’m here. I’ll sign your agreement, but I don’t want a dime of your money.”

“I don’t understand. What is it that you do want?”

“I want you to help Bianca’s mom.”

“That’s not up to me.”

“Why? Why did they request a transfer?”

He let out a long breath. “I asked Bianca to help me find you, so I could reason with you, get you to sign the non-disclosure.”

Time stood still as my decisions and their implications flashed before me. Hadn’t this been what Bianca wanted? What her whole family wanted? What difference was it how it all came together? The important thing was that she got the care.

Then another thought occurred to me. Had Bianca’s family transferred out of loyalty to me? That didn’t seem right. Bianca had been very clear that she would do whatever was necessary. Yet, I couldn’t come up with another reason she’d give up the very thing she’d wanted more than anything just because I’d had a hand in making sure it happened.

“Are you really as good as everyone says?”

“I’m sorry?” His voice was taken back and confused.

“I’ve read all the PR bullshit about the great Dr. Sterling. World renowned, a pioneer…” my voice trailed off. I sat and let my head fall forward. “I’ve seen the write ups and the awards, but I’m asking you. Are you really that good or is it all just talk?”

“I’m good. Probably the best. The best on this side of the country anyway. I’ve devoted everything to my career.”

I ran my hand through my hair and tugged at the ends making my scalp tingle. “Then don’t transfer her. I’ll talk with the Winters family. Don’t do anything until I’ve had a chance to speak with them.”

I must have stunned him into silence.

“Do we have a deal?”

“She means that much to you?”

“Do we have a deal?” I gritted out.

“Yes, we have a deal. I’ll send over an updated agreement this week.”

Of course, he had to get it down on paper.

I hung up the phone and sunk into the cushion, letting my head fall back so that I stared up at the white ceiling.

Fuck it.

I grabbed my wallet and keys and shot out of the apartment. It was only when the cab pulled up in front of the Winters’ house did I think about the state of my appearance. At least for once the outside matched the inside. I felt and looked like shit.

I knocked on the door and then stepped back and shoved my hands in my pocket. I’d been prepared for someone else to open the door, to need to explain what I was doing there, but instead the door flung open and I was met with a tunnel of electric blue. My stomach dropped and took flight at the same time making me lightheaded and nauseous.

Bianca stepped back when her eyes met mine.

“Hi.” I stayed firmly in place willing her not to slam the door in my face. She didn’t, but maybe worse, she just stood there waiting for some sort of explanation on why I was standing outside her door. She looked stunned and completely off guard.

“I’m sorry to just drop by like this. Can we talk?”

“Dinner’s ready everyone,” Mrs. Winters called from inside the house.

“Hungry?” she asked softly – a total contradiction to the outburst I was expecting.

Hell no I wasn’t hungry, but I’d eat fried SPAM if it meant she’d talk to me.

I nodded, and Bianca opened the door wide. We entered the dining room just as everyone was sitting down to eat, and all eyes were on me.

I offered a small wave as I greeted them. “Hey everyone. Sorry to drop by so unexpected.”

“Court, how lovely to see you,” Mrs. Winters said. “Are you joining us for dinner? Bianca put out another place setting.”

“We’re gonna eat on the patio, Mom.”

Bianca grabbed a plate from the table and handed it to me. She motioned with her head to the kitchen and I followed her. She pointed to the counter where several casserole dishes were laid out. I moved toward them in a daze.

My stomach growled despite my disinterest in eating when the lasagna hit my nose. I took a serving and moved to the next dish and then the next. Bianca followed behind me and after our plates were filled, she led me back through the dining room. I exchanged an awkward wave with Mr. Winters who gave me an understanding look. Donnie and Leo were glued to the baseball game on the TV in the living room, which had been turned so they could see it from the dining room table. All of it was so all-American and homey and I felt like an ass for coming in and making it weird.

Bianca strolled out onto the patio and stopped in front of a metal dining table. She put her plate down and then looked to me. “Want something to drink?”

“That’d be great,” I said and tried a smile, feeling it fall short. Nothing about this, except being near Bianca, was great.

She disappeared back into the house and I let out a groan and settled into one of the metal chairs across from where Bianca had placed her plate. I remembered she’d called this space her favorite place in the world and I looked around, seeing her in all of it. Twinkling lights, a fountain, the garden she’d mentioned. There were mismatched lounge chairs and wicker furniture with bright colored cushions. Just like the inside of the house, it had a warmth and comfort to it that couldn’t have been bought with showroom furniture.

The sound of the sliding door pulled my eyes to Bianca walking toward me with two glasses of what looked like tea.

She put them down in front of us without speaking.

“This is a great space out here. I can see why you love it so much.”

She looked around as if she were seeing it for the first time. “It’s my favorite place in the whole world. Not that I’ve been very many places,” she added. Her eyes bore back into mine. “What are you doing here? I never thought I’d see you again.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner. I was wrong, and I overreacted and made you feel bad about standing by the people you love. I think what you did, who you are, is beautiful. I don’t expect your forgiveness or anything like that, I just had to tell you that I was sorry and that you absolutely should make sure your mom gets the very best care possible. I should have seen that sooner and I should have stood by you to help make sure that happened.”

“You think I’m upset because you didn’t stand beside me while I let your prick of a father near my family?”

“Y-yes,” I said slowly.

She shook her head. “You used my family, my mother, as part of your plan against your father. You forced him into our lives after he ruined yours. How could you do that?”

“I –”

But she didn’t let me speak.

“You know how much she means to me. I would do anything for her, would trade everything else for more good days with her and you used that for your own personal revenge.”

“I just wanted to make sure she got the help she needed.”

“It wasn’t your place. Do you know what it was like watching him with her? What it was like seeing my family look at him like he was their savior?”

I paused. I didn’t understand. She’d told me she’d never forgive me if I ruined him. She’d wanted him to be able to help her. I’d helped make sure that happened.

“You said – “

She cut me off again. “I know what I said. And I meant it, I’ll always choose her. She needs me. But I didn’t want him to help, not really. Not after I found out what he did to you.”

The confidence she’d spoken with melted and she leaned into the table, shoulders hunched, and eyes filled with tears. “You pushed him into our lives and I didn’t want him there. I hated him. I still hate him. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that I hurt you.”

She sobbed. Big, fat tears rolling down her cheeks. I moved to the chair beside her and wrapped my arms around her. She mumbled into my chest and between the muffled sound and the sobs it came out in incoherent fragments. “Loved…mom… you… hate what he did… you were right… I’m so scared… my mom… my mom… my mom.”

I held her.

I didn’t know what else to do.

We sat like that for a long time. Until the front of my shirt was wet from her tears and her sobs turned to sniffles. I let her pull away first. I didn’t want to let go, but I didn’t have any right to hold her either. She wrapped her arms around herself as if she wanted the comfort of being held but no longer wanted it from me.

With a hesitant hand, I reached for her, the only thing in my life that I was certain of anymore – light and goodness and love. Her eyes closed as my fingers rested on her cheek. She leaned into my touch and it was all the sign I needed from her that we could get through this. I hadn’t lost her, and I was going to do everything in my power to hold on before she was gone forever.

“Let him help her. Let me do this for you, for your family.”

“I can’t. If my mother knew –”

“She doesn’t need to know any of that. All she needs to know is that he’s the best and he’s going to do everything he can to help her.”

“At what cost? I don’t want to hurt you.”

“If he can help your mom then it’ll be worth every day I lived hating him.”

She started crying again and I felt her need to be close, to feel, and I wrapped an arm around the back of her and pulled her into my chest once again. I circled a thumb lazily over her shoulder. The fountain trickled lightly and the sound of horns and traffic from the street carried into the patio, but it was just background noise. My senses were overwhelmed with her. I couldn’t keep my eyes away from her profile – her thin, elegant neck, her black eyelashes fanned out framing her eyes. The warmth of her body pressed against mine and the soft skin under my fingertips. The floral, feminine scent that I’d come to know as hers. And the sound of my heart beat drumming in my ears.

We sat like that until her tears had stopped again. She sighed and pulled away taking a piece of my solitude with her. It was always like this. She took a little piece of me even without trying. Even without me being aware until it was too late.

The sliding door caught our attention and Leo stuck his head out. “We’re gonna cut the pie. Want a piece?”

Bianca looked to me.

“No, thanks. I should get going.”

She shook her head and Leo disappeared back into the house.

I stood, wishing I hadn’t wasted the last two months without her and already thinking ahead to when I might be able to see her again.

“I meant what I said. I’d rather have him help her than live knowing she didn’t have every opportunity possible. Please let him help.”

She nodded and crossed her arms over her stomach. We shuffled to the door and I paused before opening it and losing the privacy we had outside.

“Can I call you later? Take you to lunch or –”

Indecision and worry in her eyes, she peered up at me so innocently and guarded.

“I don’t know. I’ve got a lot going on. Between work and my family –”

“Hey, I get it. You don’t need to rearrange your life for me.”

“It’s just.” She bit her lip and looked all innocence and uncertainty. “Losing you last time hurt. I don’t think I could bare it a second time.”

My heart literally squeezed in my chest making it painful to breathe. This girl was going to be the death of me.

“I’m not going anywhere.” I pulled her into me and she wrapped both arms around me and held on tight.

And I wasn’t. Couldn’t. She was everything. I’d be whatever she needed me to be – friend, boyfriend, shoulder to cry on because giving her up wasn’t an option. I was going to be there for her - messy or not. Good times and bad, just like she’d said. I had no idea what any of that meant really, but I’d take cues from my 8B. My perfect little student.