I watched him through narrowed eyes as he worked the room. He smiled, shook hands and patted backs, he laughed heartily and drank slowly.
Confidence and easy-going charm oozed from his open suit jacket and loosened tie. Every few minutes he glanced around the room warily. Was he looking for me? I tried to push back the comparison – the way we’d stood eye to eye, the same dark hair and hazel eyes. I’d waited for this day – the day I could finally look him in the face. To remind him that his mistakes weren’t buried with her. And I had dreamed of the way the color would drain from his face as he was forced to acknowledge my existence. His son. No, he didn’t deserve that kind of claim on someone he so easily discarded. His punisher. I was set to right a wrong. No one got to erase their past. No one.
Funny, I always imagined that I’d feel like a weight had been lifted when I’d finally confronted him. Finally, being free of a piece of my past, but instead I felt like I was trading a piece of my past for a piece of my future.
My heart pounded against my chest as I watched him say his goodbyes to Allen and his new bride. There was a genuine affection between the brothers and I wondered if my father had ever wanted to confide in him. It was obvious he hadn’t shared my name because Allen had never shown any glimmer of recognition toward me outside of our working relationship. Hell, to me, the resemblance seemed obvious. Much as I hated to admit it. Amazing what people could overlook if they wanted to. No one would suspect that the good doctor had a son my age or that he’d left that son to be raised by someone else. In my case, lots of someones.
Tossing back the last of my scotch, I decided to forgo my own goodbye to the happy couple. After tonight, it probably wasn’t going to matter anyway. My pulse beat rapidly, and I took in deep, raspy breaths as I waited in the shadows just outside the hotel waiting for him to emerge from the party. A cool acceptance of what I had to do settled over me.
The sliding glass doors opened, and he stepped outside into the early spring evening, whistling lightly under his breath. A chilled breeze whipped through the night, but he didn’t seem to notice as he pulled his keys out and spun them around his finger, still whistling a happy, carefree tune. What kind of man knows his son is right in front of him and just leaves? The kind that never wanted you.
I emerged from my spot in the shadows and he paused. While I remained partially hidden he gave off an air of suspicion, but not concern. Fuel to my already raging fire, the way he dismissed me as a threat because what I was dressed nice? Because he was above the dangers lurking in the shadows? He of all people should’ve known that a wolf disguised as a sheep was still a wolf. When he finally got a good look at me he stopped, a myriad of emotions taking over his expression. Guilt. Shame. Dread. I noted that happiness wasn’t among the many reactions as my father got a good look at his son.
“Dr. Sterling,” I taunted, my voice laced with ironic respect.
He flashed me a speculative smile. “Yes. Courtney Adams, the young man working for my brother?”
Was he serious? We were playing it like that? Whatever hope I’d had for this moment was gone. Extinguished. He wasn’t a good man who’d made a choice to give his son a better life, he was a coward. He hadn’t wanted me. Still didn’t want me. And nothing beyond that mattered.
I laughed a bitter sound as I locked eyes with him. “Yeah, that’s me. Courtney Roosevelt Adams. Quite a mouthful, right? I used to hate my name. Who names a kid – a boy – Courtney? Don’t even get me started on the middle name. Guess my mother just liked the name, hard to say, since she died.”
I’d been named for his mother. Courtney Roosevelt – her maiden name. He knew it. I knew it. And now he knew that I knew exactly who he was.
He studied me hard, openly assessing me as if he might have some idea what a son he hadn’t seen or talked to was supposed to look like. He nodded as his gaze landed back on my face. “You have her nose and mouth.”
The words pissed me off mostly because they also dislodged something inside of me. Did he mean his mother or mine? I hadn’t known either of them and wouldn’t ever get that chance. He said it like he was remembering one of them fondly and there was no place for his happy stroll down memory lane.
“Maybe I do. I guess I’ll have to take your word on that,” I spat.
“I can’t believe it’s really you. I used to wonder if I passed you on the street, or in a busy airport if I’d know you. If I’d see you and just know. I guess not,” he said and frowned like he was disappointed that he hadn’t been able to place me immediately.
“You gave up the right to have such delusional fantasies a long time ago.”
He nodded again. “I suppose I did. How did you find me?”
I stepped forward, lifting my chin so I was just the tiniest bit taller. “It wasn’t that hard. You know, I’ve been waiting for this day since I was a kid. I’d lay my head down on whatever shitty pillow or floor I was currently sleeping on and I’d imagine all the things I’d say to you. When I was younger, I thought this moment would be filled with happy tears and hugs and you’d whisk me away to a better place. I believed that there had to be some mistake or logical reason you’d left me. Don’t worry I gave up on fairy tales a long time ago.”
“Courtney – “
“No, you don’t get to talk. I came here tonight to get some sort of closure. I actually thought seeing you might be cathartic or some shit, but you’ve just managed to piss me off even more. I want nothing more than to expose you for the heartless prick you are and then watch you squirm as your country club buddies start giving you the cold shoulder. Treating you like the piece of trash you are. All this,” I circled my hand in the air, satisfied to see his smug look disappear. “Society, community. You think they’ll still be bowing at your feet when they find out about me?”
I could smell it. Fear. The threat of loss. I had his full attention. I stepped back and pictured Bianca’s face. Those electric blue eyes that paved a path to goodness and light.
“Lucky for you, I can’t do that.” I swallowed the bile threatening in my throat. “Someone I care about needs you. So instead I’m going to offer you a choice. You met a young woman earlier tonight, Bianca Winters. Her mom has Parkinson’s.”
He nodded.
“Help her mother and you’re off the hook. I’ll go away, and you can keep pretending I don’t exist.”
He looked confused by my threat. “You want me to help her mom or you’re going to tell people I’m your father? What proof do you have?”
“I don’t need proof. This isn’t the Jerry Springer show. All I have to do is help the information get in the right hands. That, along with my very long rap sheet, should be enough to get people talking. It may not be enough to take you down completely, you’re too respected and good at what you do, but maybe it’ll cause you enough grief to give you a glimmer of what my life has been like.”
He ran a hand through his hair. “And if I don’t agree to your terms?”
“So, you won’t help Bianca’s mother?”
“Todd’s girlfriend? That’s who you want me to help?”
I nodded and ground my back teeth.
He let out a long sigh. “What reassurances do I have you won’t do it anyway?”
“I guess you’ll just have to trust that I grew up to be a more honest man than you,” I muttered.
“How much do you want for your silence? Perhaps we can sit down with my lawyer and come up with an agreement.”
The insult didn’t land right away. He thought this was about a pay day? Why did rich people always think it was about money?
“You’re unbelievable. No,” I shook my head in disgust. “Fuck no.”
I started to walk away but turned back. The questions burned in the back of my throat and I gave in to the temptation. “One question. I get why you didn’t want me, but how could you abandon her? She needed you.”
The pain on his face twisted and contorted and he nodded solemnly. “She did. I failed her. She was sick. I didn’t know how to help her. I wanted to, but I didn’t know how.”
His pain transferred to me because I saw it now. I saw her through his eyes. And I wanted to ask if it was why he became a doctor and if he loved her. If he loved me, even for a moment. Instead, I gave him a resigned nod and walked away feeling Bianca’s lightness fade out completely and the heaviness of my life before her settle back in its place.