THIRTEEN

 

What a change two months could make.

Not even two months, Taylor amended, as he looked at the feast which had been laid out so thickly on the table that Taylor expected it to groan under the weight. They were having Danica’s friend Priya, and her family, over for Thanksgiving dinner, and there was enough food for an army, it felt like.

It had been the end of September, almost October when Dane had moved in, and now, it was full on into autumn and heading toward winter. Dane had a job, working for the construction company where Taylor’s mother worked as a receptionist. The hours were long sometimes, but the pay was good, good enough that Dane was saving up some money and had even been able to pay some rent for the small apartment he still rented in Taylor’s house.

Everything was good, and yet, Taylor sometimes just looked around, as he was doing now, and tried to remind himself that this might not work out. He would wait for the other shoe to fall, for Dane to get restless again, for Dane to run. Their pairing was unlikely to work in the long term, with the age difference not to mention the different personalities. It was better for Taylor to stay just a little bit cautious.

Even if it was beyond nice to have Dane here for this, their first major holiday together. Taylor had never had a boyfriend before, and there were definite benefits. Many of them. But something inside him told him, some pessimistic voice deep in his brain, that he was never going to get what he wanted from Dane. Not really.

Life was good, though, he had to admit. Maybe this was just temporary, but for now, he was happy. He had a really gorgeous, and very good in bed, boyfriend, a mother who knew that he was gay and had accepted him, which was more, he knew, than a lot of people got. And, most importantly, he thought to himself as there was a knock on the door and what felt like a small tornado brushed past him to get it, he had his sister really, truly back.

Danica pulled open the door and launched herself at her friend, clutching her into a fierce hug. Ever since getting her clean bill of health, Danica had been living her life with far more gusto than ever, and as painful as it was for someone so young to have learned that, she had more joy in her life for having been at risk of losing it than anyone else Taylor knew.

She would never take that life for granted, and it was good to see that something positive could come out of something so crappy.

Dane came downstairs, freshly showered and with his long hair braided back, in the casual, but nice, clothes that he wore when he was trying to impress. This was all so new to Dane, or at least, it had been a long time since he had had it. Dane very rarely talked about anything to do with his life before he’d been kicked out, and when he did, it was all very general, no details.

Just one more barrier between them that Taylor was sure that they would never get rid of. Was that normal in relationships? He didn’t know, but what he did know was that it was every bit as much his fault as it was Dane’s. They both kept each other at a distance, and Taylor wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not.

Dane slid his arm around Taylor, and barrier between them or not, it felt so right to rest back against Dane, to feel that hand, burning warm and possessive even through Taylor’s shirt. That was one thing he would say about Dane, the lack of shame was nice. Especially since, with the terrible thing that his parents had done to him, it would have made complete sense if Dane had never wanted anyone to know about his sexuality.

But even with Priya and her parents, Dane had no shame. He held Taylor close, almost like he was defying people to make something of it. And something which shocked Taylor, as well as, he was fairly sure, Dane, was how few people did seem to take offense.

His whole life, Taylor had been scared to tell people about this part of himself, and now, it was right out in the open, and the worst he had ever gotten because of it was some sketchy looks. Those, he could handle. So Dane had given him this huge gift, and even if, or maybe it should be when, they fell apart, even when Dane left, Taylor would always have this openness.

They sat down to dinner, and Taylor hadn’t known what it would be like, being at a family gathering like this with a boyfriend by his side. He liked it more than he had thought he would, liked the feel of Dane’s hand as it rested so casually on Taylor’s thigh, just like it belonged there.

And, once more, it was just so strange that not only did his mother not seem to mind the obvious intimacy, but neither did Priya’s parents. They didn’t say anything, and, more than that, they didn’t even look at them oddly. It was like the whole thing didn’t even really matter to them, such a novel concept to Taylor that it was hard, but so good, to believe.

The meal was cheerful enough, even if Taylor didn’t say much. It was nice just to be here, with a group of people who knew who he was and didn’t mind being around him even with all of his many foibles.

After the food, when they were all letting the full weight of the turkey and potatoes settle in their stomachs before getting down to the important business of dessert, Taylor went into the kitchen with his mother to help her clean up a little. And, to be honest, to get away from the crowd. More people had dropped by through the evening, and as cheerful as the atmosphere was, Taylor needed a bit of a break.

Dane had been happily involved in conversation. It was one of the many things that Taylor loved about his boyfriend that he was so social because Taylor most definitely wasn’t. As the months had gone on and Dane had started to feel more and more comfortable with himself, and he was accepted into the small town with no complaints, he’d easily made friends. It sort of blew Taylor away, and he felt no hesitation at all when he went into the kitchen and left Dane to chat. Dane was clearly in his element.

“Taylor,” his mother said, running water into soap in the sink so that it foamed up in drifts like snow, while simultaneously loading the dishwasher. Something in her tone alerted him that she had asked for him to come in here for more than dishes, and he looked at her cautiously. Even though he was an adult, and she tended to treat him as such, there were certain tones to her voice that could make him feel about five years old sometimes.

“Mom, what’s up?” Taylor asked, his pleasant patience just a little bit strained, though he tried. There was no sense in trying to ignore this, if his mother had something that she wanted to say to him, she would say it. He was old enough and experienced enough now to know that. Some people, he could withdraw totally from, but not his mother.

“Danica seemed to have a lot of energy tonight, didn’t she?” Even though he clearly knew that something was going on, she still would approach it in her own way. He sighed and thought of trying to hurry her along, but he knew that there wasn’t any point. She would certainly get there and in her own time.

“Yeah. She’s doing well,” Taylor admitted, cautious because he didn’t know what her angle was. She clearly had one.

“And Dane being around has been a huge help,” she continued, while Taylor’s brows knit as he tried to decipher all of this. He contented himself with a nod as he plunged his hands into the warm, soapy water, starting to wash out the mashed potato pot with more attention than such a simple task deserved.

When she finally did get to the point, though, Taylor never could have expected what she said to him.

“Taylor, sweetheart, I think you should go to school.”

Taylor stopped, his hands stilling in the warm water, and just looked at her. She gazed back, though she was still busily loading the dishwasher, and they spent a moment with their gazes locked.

“What?” he finally whispered, and she sighed and briskly filled the dispenser of the machine with soap.

“You’ve been working at this freelancing website for, what, three years?” she asked, and he nodded, wincing a bit. He had been doing anything that he could pick up money for, struggling to stay afloat, to help out as much as he could financially though he felt like he hadn’t been able to build much of anything.

“Okay. So it’s time for you to stop. You told me before Danica got sick that you wanted to be a computer programmer,” she continued, and he gave a little shrug. It seemed like a long time since he’d given much thought to what he wanted to do with his life, but she was right. He had wanted that before Danica getting sick had put everything else out of his mind.

“Mom, I can’t. Danica …” Taylor started, but she held up her hand, and he stopped, just out of instinct. She had never been a particularly strict parent, not authoritarian, but she had been firm enough that he listened when she spoke.

“Danica is interested in an after-school program starting in January. It’s put on by the school, so it’s not expensive,” she explained, her voice calm but a little flush of triumph on her cheeks. It was as though she had known he would object and was pleased with herself because she had the answers to his objections all lined up.

Nevertheless, he persisted.

“But it does cost money, and she doesn’t need to do that. I can be here.” He paused and then rushed on before she could interrupt again. “Besides, I don’t have the money to go.”

“That’s why I mentioned Dane. He’s been paying rent, and I’ve actually managed to save up some money. You wouldn’t have to get too many student loans, and I know that you can get scholarships, grants, next semester. But you could go back for January.”

That pretty effectively shut him up. He had no more arguments, except ones that he wasn’t going to bring up. Ones involving his own fear, because it was easy to have dreams, but if he went to school, he was going to have to do a lot more than just dream. He was going to have to work hard, and the thing with dreaming was that there was no chance of failure, not so if he went to school.

“Sweetheart,” his mother murmured, her eyes full of compassion and her voice encouraging. “You’ve given up three years of your life, and I will be grateful to you for everything you have done from now until my dying day. I know that Danica will, too. But you’ve sacrificed enough. It’s time for you to pick up your life where you left off.”

Her voice was so kind, and Taylor hated himself for it, but he felt the prickle of tears behind his eyelids. He blinked them back and turned his attention back to the dirty pots and pans, but he was deep in thought.

A life. A future. Not having to scratch and scrimp and take crappy, temporary jobs doing things that he didn’t want to do. A career, maybe. Learning and education and all of the things that he had given up on when he was taking care of Danica. Options. He had options, and for the first time, that started to sink in.

“Okay,” he said suddenly. Maybe he couldn’t cut it out in the real world. Talk was cheap, and dreams even cheaper, but who knew if he had what it took to get the education he wanted? But he could never know unless he tried.

“Really?” His mother beamed at him, and he knew that she had been anticipating probably more of a fight than he gave her. But, despite his nerves, despite the fear which slunk and crawled like a coward in the pit of his stomach, he wanted this. So, swallowing down those doubts, he smiled and nodded, and then laughed as she pulled him into her arms and hugged him tightly.

“Yeah. Just …” Taylor took a deep breath, and let it out very slowly. “Don’t tell Dane, okay? He’s weird about school.” Taylor could still so easily remember how bleak Dane’s eyes had been as he talked about school, how he could never fulfill his dreams because of what his parents had done. It would be supremely not okay of him to push it in Dane’s face, he thought.

“Sweetheart …” his mother’s voice was a warning, and Taylor sighed and turned away from her searching gaze. The last thing he needed was for her to involve herself in his relationship with Dane.

“I mean, I’ll tell him eventually. I’ll know when the time is right, and when he can handle it,” he murmured, more talking to himself than to her. Dane’s connections in the town were still new and tenuous, but eventually, Dane would be totally comfortable, and then Taylor could tell him when it wouldn’t be such a blow to Dane’s self-esteem.

Or maybe when Taylor himself was less scared.