EIGHTEEN

 

A new kid had come on board while they were heading through Southern California. Young, far too young for Dane, younger even than Taylor was now, though about the same age as Taylor had been when Dane had first met him. It was hard to believe that had been almost two years ago, at this point.

Well, regardless, the new kid was too young for him, and Dane made it a point to stay away from him. His small, tight little body reminded Dane uncomfortably of Taylor, though otherwise, they weren’t that much alike.

Kaden, that was his name, he was a true blond, and his eyes were a big, soft brown. There was none of Taylor’s coldness in him, either, and those eyes didn’t seem like they could penetrate right into Dane’s soul.

In personality, too, it soon became clear, Kaden was nothing like Taylor. Oh, he was beautiful, like Taylor, and there was the body type, but aside from those glancing similarities, they were very different. Kaden was sweet and open and friendly, and he didn’t seem to be able to hide his emotions at all. Not that bright, but cheerful. Sort of like a golden retriever, as mean as it was to say it.

As they traveled, all of this became clear to Dane, who was still keeping his distance. All that, and one more thing, too.

Kaden had a crush on him.

It was very obvious. Other people had started to tease Dane about it, which he didn’t mind. He hadn’t made it a secret that he was gay, and maybe someone had told Kaden that, and he’d thought he had a chance. That, he minded a lot more. He wasn’t interested in any sort of relationship, or even sex, really, and definitely not with someone who reminded him at all of Taylor.

In the old days, Dane probably wouldn’t have hesitated. He would have taken Kaden to bed, if he wanted to go there, without a moment’s thought. But everything had changed, and Dane thought that it would probably be a long time until he wanted anyone for companionship. If ever.

The best thing to do was to stay away, and for a few months, as they toured through California and up into Oregon, he did his best. But Kaden didn’t give up, and as the summer dragged on, as they got closer and closer to Washington State, Dane got more and more restless.

“Hey, are you going to lunch?” Kaden’s clear, sweet voice rang out, and then the small young man was standing by his side, grinning up at him with so much hope in his eyes that it made even Dane’s heart ache. The kid was adorable, unfairly so, and unlike Taylor, he didn’t seem to hold anything of himself back.

Was this how it was going to be for the rest of his life? That Dane was going to compare every single person that he met to Taylor? It certainly seemed that way. This gorgeous kid was throwing himself at Dane, and all he could think about was Taylor, what the look in Taylor’s eyes would be, how Taylor gave his heart in pieces and with care.

This young man would be quite different. Better, Dane told himself. Definitely better. He would always know where he stood with Kaden.

It was a moment of weakness that had him caving. The loneliness of the months that had passed since he had left Snoqualmie, where he might not have ever really had Taylor but where he had had Danica and Rebecca. He had sort of thought that being lonely was just going to be how it was, at least until he could forget that painful, wonderful part of his life, but maybe he had been screwing himself over with his misery.

At that moment, it felt possible to move on. Not to forget, not yet, though he sincerely hoped that someday, he would, but there could be some hope for a future in which he wasn’t living with misery as his constant companion.

And this whole time, Kaden was staring up at him, naked need in his sweet, soft brown eyes. He seemed like a nice kid. Not a complicated person, but then, that was probably all for the best. Taylor had been plenty complicated. Why not let Kaden try, as he so obviously wanted to, to take Dane’s mind off of Taylor?

“Yeah. You wanna come with?” Dane invited, and he had to admit that he felt about a thousand feet tall when he saw the pleasure that came into Kaden’s eyes. Pleasure which Dane had put there. It was flattering.

They did go to lunch that day, and again the next. It was a slow dance, but one which Dane knew would lead to Kaden in his bed, groaning as Dane pushed inside of him. It might have been a while, but Dane knew which way the wind was blowing on this one, and everyone else, including Kaden, seemed to take it for granted that it would happen someday.

And in the past, they would have been correct. Hell, Dane would have kissed Kaden already, he realized, when they had been spending time together for a couple of weeks. It was the middle of the summer, and the closer they got to Washington State, the more he thought that he could use some distraction. He didn’t know and hadn’t asked if they were going to go through Snoqualmie, but it seemed all too likely, and he had no idea how he was going to deal with it if they did.

That was annoying, and his own hesitation when it came to the beautiful, and easily attainable, Kaden, was also annoying. So when he was called to see his boss, it was a relief. Hopefully, he would get chewed out again. That wouldn’t be fun, but at least he would get some distraction.

He would never have believed last year that he would be in the situation of wanting to be yelled at by his boss.

“What’s up?” he asked, without preamble, as he strolled into the trailer that served as his boss’s office. It hadn’t changed that much—he was amused to note. There were the same piles of papers everywhere, the same mess and clutter that made it almost impossible to believe that anything could be found. But he had seen his boss find anything needed in the disaster.

“When I asked you to come back, I said that I had a proposition for you,” the older man said, and Dane frowned slightly. To be honest, he hadn’t given that much thought. He had always figured that the proposition was bringing Dane back in at the rate he had been earning at his construction job, a considerable raise from where he had been before.

The way this was sounding, though, it seemed like maybe something else was going on. Dane sat and watched the other man, one eyebrow raised.

“I wanna retire.”

The words were said in a dull, flat way like they weren’t up for negotiation. Dane took a deep breath because somehow, it hadn’t occurred to him that the fair would ever come to an end. He had given up a quiet life to go on the road, and he shook his head, too stunned even to get angry.

It didn’t seem real, somehow, despite the bluntly spoken words. But when he looked at the man who had been his boss for way too many years now, he didn’t see even the faintest hint of uncertainty in his eyes.

“Okay,” Dane said very, very slowly, drawing out the one word to almost ludicrous levels. But he still found himself waiting for the punchline because it felt like there had to be one. This couldn’t possibly be anything but a joke.

“I mean it. I’m sick of wandering around.” At Dane’s disbelieving look, the grizzled old face turned just a bit defensive. “I met someone if you gotta know. A woman. Someone kinda special. I don’t wanna spend the rest of my life following the road. I got enough of that to last ten lifetimes.”

Dane shook his head because he might not believe fully, but he was starting to. He understood, anyway, how someone could be seduced by the lure of a quiet, steady life. How the love of a good person could seem appealing, especially after so many decades of wandering.

And it had been decades for this man, he realized. He had never really thought about it before, but his boss was not a young man, and the lines on his face said that he might be heading toward old.

“You trying to get my help in breaking the news to the rest of the guys?” Dane asked because he knew very well that a lot of people were going to be out of a job and none of them were going to be very happy about it. But with Dane’s recent past, it suddenly made sense that he would be sought out to break the news to people. He could understand why this was going to happen, and the anger which he’d half expected had never come.

But things suddenly made a lot less sense when he saw the older man shake his head, giving him an amused little smile. That smile confused Dane, at least at first.

“I’ve never heard of a man so damn oblivious. I’m trying to offer you the fair.”

And that’s when Dane started to be completely unable to make any of the other man’s words make even the slightest bit of sense.

There was a fair bit involved, Dane picked that much up. The odd word here and there made it through his daze, talk of money, of how Dane could buy the fair, paying for it in installments out of the quarterly profits. It went on and on until Dane had to conclude that this was far, far too elaborate to be a practical joke. Too much thought had gone into it.

“You never thought I was worth much of anything,” Dane marveled, having no idea how to take this. He had believed it, himself, that he was pretty much just a space warmer, someone who could do work at the basic levels required. “Always yelling at me, telling me off for being lazy. There’s gotta be someone else you’d rather have.”

“I only got pissed off because you had so much potential, and you were just wasting it. But that kid, the one you ran away from, he was good for you, you know. Taught you some responsibility. Sad that didn’t work out.”

Dane got the sense that his boss meant it, all of it. The stuff about the fair, and the stuff about Taylor, too. It sort of blew his mind, but it seemed like this was a legit offer.

“I’m gonna need some time …” he started, and his boss grinned at him and nodded, his eyes full of understanding, like maybe he got it even better than Dane did. Like he knew something that Dane didn’t, not that that made any sense. But then, none of this did.

“Course you are. Probably gonna wanna go over some of the numbers, too. The fair is turning a good profit, but you’ll wanna see for yourself.”

And just like that, he handed Dane a binder, told him to think it over, and then Dane was bustled out of the trailer. The trailer which could, it seemed, be his, if he wanted it.

But of course, he wanted it. Didn’t he? If so, what was this strange reluctance he felt to go for it? It could be the foreseeable future, the rest of his life, even, set. He could have a future, stability, and still keep his roaming lifestyle.

It was perfect, and he should go for it. He knew it. So why was it so hard to see himself doing this?

 

* * *

 

When he left the trailer, Dane just wandered, clutching the folder that he barely realized he still held tightly in both hands, clenched over his chest like it could somehow keep him sane. Like it could make all of this huge change, this potential upheaval, in his life, make any sense at all.

But it didn’t. There had to be someone better equipped to deal with this. To take this on. He would just ruin it. He tended to ruin the things that he wanted, he didn’t like it, but it was just the truth. He would run this fair right into the ground.

He almost bumped into someone and turned around to glare at them. He knew that it wasn’t fair since he had been so distracted that it had probably been his own fault, but he wasn’t in the mood to be reasonable.

Actually, that was sort of odd, wasn’t it? He should have been thrilled by the offer, but instead, it had put him in a completely foul mood. It probably was a terrible idea, just for that reason alone.

“Dane?” the person that he had almost bowled over asked, and, of course, it would have to be Kaden. The poor kid did not deserve to deal with a pissed off Dane, and he took a deep breath and forced himself to smile a little bit.

“Hey. Sorry. My mind was on something else,” Dane admitted, and Kaden nodded and, apparently with complete forgiveness, looped his arm through Dane’s in a very sweet, intimate way that made him tense up immediately. Kaden didn’t seem to notice, and Dane took a deep breath and transferred the binder to the other arm, letting Kaden keep his light, but firm, grip.

“I can tell. Is it anything you want to talk about?” Kaden asked, and Dane frowned. He had the idea that he probably shouldn’t talk about this with his co-workers just yet. Nothing had been decided and, while he hadn’t been told that it was a secret, it just seemed to him that it was better to be kept just between him and his boss until things were more firm, especially since he had no idea in hell what he was going to do yet.

“Nah. You wanna go grab some food?” Dane asked, eager to change the subject, and Kaden grinned at him, looking even younger than he always did, which was saying something. Even the vaguest glimmerings of attraction, which were all that Dane felt for this young man, already made him feel like a dirty old man just for having them.

“I’m not hungry. Come up on the Ferris wheel with me,” Kaden commanded, with an endearing little smile full of deliberate flirtation and coyness.

Kaden couldn’t know what memories flashed through Dane’s head, what made him still and silent after that particular comment. Actually, Kaden didn’t seem to notice anything wrong at all as he tugged Dane over to the ride in question and into the little cart. Kaden settled down in the very place, perhaps, where Taylor had once sat, and Dane felt his legs almost give out as he took his spot across from Kaden.

In moments, the ride was rising up, and as Dane glanced across the space and into Kaden’s eager eyes, maybe it was then that it was the beginning of the end.

“So what’s your story, kiddo?” Dane asked, forcing his voice to be casual, not that he needed to bother. Kaden was sweet, but he didn’t seem like the kind of guy who was likely to notice a marching band unless someone pointed it out. It was sort of nice, actually, and Dane found himself relaxing just a bit in his uncomplicated presence.

“It’s kind of a downer,” Kaden warned, and his face, usually so smiley and cheerful, went much more sober suddenly. Still, Dane didn’t foresee anything as bad as what he heard. “My parents kicked me out.”

It was like Kaden had dumped a bucket of ice water over him. All Dane could do for a long moment, as their cart swung up into the air, was just look at Kaden. Finally, though, he unfroze his tongue from the roof of his mouth so that he could speak.

“Why?” he asked, only now, it was like he did know. Like he had seen something in Kaden’s eyes which had reminded him of his own life, in some way. Kaden had dealt with it very differently, and yet Dane would be willing to bet …

“Because they found me in bed with another guy,” Kaden said bleakly. “They said that if I wanted to stay, I’d have to go to one of those pray-the-gay-away camps, you know? And I refused. So they kicked me out.”

And here he had been almost making fun of this young man in his mind when Kaden was just like him. Dane shook his head, and without even thinking about it, just spurred on by those words and by the clear pain in Kaden’s eyes, he reached over and touched Kaden’s knee. He had been avoiding it, not wanting to lead the other man on too much, but this seemed to call for some sort of sympathetic gesture.

“Happened to me, too. You’re better off without them,” Dane told him, not that that would be much comfort to him. This had happened pretty recently, Dane would be willing to bet. But maybe later, Kaden would think about this, and it would help him a little.

“Dane, I …” Kaden started, his face conflicted, but that visibly cleared as Dane looked into his eyes. It was like Dane could watch as he came to a decision, and honestly, Dane was already moving away before Kaden had even leaned forward more than a few inches.

The ride had swung to a stop at the very top, just as it had almost a year ago when it had been Taylor that had been across from Dane on this ride. And on the surface of it, this should be perfect. A beautiful, willing young man who wouldn’t break Dane’s heart, and the chance of a real future with him, because Kaden was just like him when it came to roaming about. They could run together, Dane realized, escape the world outside of this strange world that was a traveling carnival.

“I’m sorry, Kaden,” Dane whispered, and he meant it. Kaden was a sweet boy, and Dane didn’t want to hurt him, but he was going to hurt him a lot more if he pretended that he could do something that he now knew he could never do.

“It’s not going to happen, is it?” Kaden asked, and Dane just had to shake his head. There was no hope for this, not while Dane was still hung up on Taylor, and it seemed like he would always be. When he had ditched his phone, when he’d tried to make a new start, he had thought he could get over Taylor, but he knew better now.

Kissing Kaden should have felt like the most natural thing in the world, with the amount of time he had spent with the other man. And he had no problem with Kaden, who was a sweet kid, but that was all there was to it for him.

Not to mention that the last thing the poor guy needed was to be messed around with. He had been through quite enough.

“Nah,” Dane admitted. “I’m hung up on someone else. Ain’t being fair to you to promise you I can do something that I can’t.”

“You didn’t promise me anything,” Kaden told him, with more dignity than Dane would have expected from someone so young. “I wish it could happen, but if it can’t, it can’t.”

The cart swung around the side of the ride, heading for the ground, and Dane sighed with relief. He had worried that maybe this would get a little bit messy already, but Kaden was being reasonable, more than he would have thought.

“Sorry, kiddo. If you would’ve met me two years ago, it would be different.” Only they both knew it wouldn’t have been, because two years ago Kaden would have been even younger for Dane than he was now.

“If you change your mind, you know where to find me,” Kaden told him, then gently reached over and took one of Dane’s huge hands in both of his own, squeezing lightly before hopping out of the ride and walking briskly away.

Had Dane just made a mistake? It didn’t feel like it, and he found himself smiling a little as he went back to his boss’s trailer. He had a binder to drop off, and some bad news to deliver.