NINETEEN

 

It had been months, and Taylor realized he had never really talked to Dane much about his former work. He’d been quite selfish which wasn’t a lot of fun to admit to himself, but it was nothing but the truth. He had taken Dane for granted, and now, he was paying the price, because he had no idea where the fair would even be.

It wasn’t quite accurate to say that he had taken Dane for granted. It was more like, he had taken it for granted that Dane would leave him, and it had ended up being a self-fulfilling prophecy. He had never given himself to Dane, so was it that much of a surprise that Dane had ended up being driven off?

But the distance that Taylor had always deliberately kept between himself and Dane, it was messing him up now. The fair didn’t even have a website, not as far as Taylor had been able to find, and there was no way for Taylor to contact Dane and ask him where he was.

All he had to go on were a few offhand comments from Dane, and he dragged over each one in his mind as he tried to piece together the scraps of information into some sort of itinerary.

He didn’t have enough to go on, but from what he remembered, Dane went south for the fall and winter, then started to head up. Through California, he was pretty sure of that, but did he head into the middle of the country then? Or up through Oregon and then to Washington State?

In the end, he didn’t end up being able to figure it out, but he did have a starting place, California. Of course, it was horribly inadequate. California was a big enough state that searching the whole thing would be ridiculous.

“I’m just going to wait to see if the fair comes here again.” He finally gave up, and he watched as his mother and his sister exchanged looks with each other. He could tell that they didn’t approve, just from the looks on their faces, but damn it. He didn’t want to spend his summer on a wild goose chase.

“No way,” Danica said clearly, her eyes challenging him. “You messed up with him, Taylor. Now you have to go to him.”

“Danica,” their mother chided, although from what Taylor could see, she agreed with Danica. But she was a bit more subtle than a girl who had just turned seven years old. “It’s Taylor’s choice.”

Taylor softly groaned while Danica looked cheerfully unrepentant. And the thing was, she was right. Taylor had been the one to screw up, to drive Dane away, and wasn’t part of the problem that his pride didn’t want him to do this? That chasing someone around felt like it was beneath his dignity?

It took him a month to make up his mind to go after him. And finally, predictably, it was Danica who made up his mind, Danica who had never really shut up about the whole thing who said the one thing that could get through to Taylor.

“Last year, Dane didn’t come until September,” she informed Taylor, carefully just stating a fact since she’d been told off multiple times for trying to get him to go. September. By then, Taylor might be back in school, if he decided to go back.

He got into his car and left that same morning, with his mom and his little sister both waving him off. He walked away from everything, hastily turning in the few freelancing projects that he had taken on and setting his profile to deny new commissions.

The truth had taken a while to sink into his stubborn head, but once it was there, he couldn’t deny it. Finding Dane and doing whatever he could to get him back, up to and including begging on his knees for Dane to forgive him, was all that mattered to him right now. At the very least, he would ask for the chance to apologize.

He might very well find that his worst fears were true, and Dane was unwilling even to consider being with Taylor anymore. If that was the case, Taylor would leave him alone, he decided. He would apologize, if Dane let him, and thank him for the many things that Dane had done for him.

So he drove. And, as it turned out, he didn’t need to go all the way down to California, which had been his plan. He got a lead on the fair when he stopped for gas at a little place just on the Oregon side of the border between Oregon and Washington.

As it turned out, he had driven right past the fair, from what he heard from the gas station attendant. The fair had traveled through this small town, stopping for a week and then, from what Taylor was told, moving right on into Washington.

The whole thing had the air of fate around it, almost, if Taylor believed in that sort of thing. More likely, it was just luck. But since it saved him, and his incredibly old car, a trip down to California, he was not going to look this particular gift horse in the mouth.

From there, it was easy. He was only a few days behind the carnival, and even though it would be sort of funny and very ironic if he had caught up with Dane in Snoqualmie, that wasn’t what ended up happening.

It was another small town, not one where Taylor had been before, and the name wasn’t important to him. What was important was that, when he rolled into town, set up in the parking lot of a local library, he saw the tall, bulky shape of the Ferris wheel rearing up overhead.

Taylor parked the car and then gripped the steering wheel tightly in both hands. He tried to caution himself as he looked at the bustling area, smelling the hot, salty smell of the popcorn even with his windows still closed. It could be a different fair, and how would Taylor know the difference? Or Dane could have left, or never come back at all. There hadn’t been a lot of details in his note.

So this was a moment of truth, he supposed. Was he going to go for this, or turn around, go home? Either tell Danica and his mother that he had turned away from this, or outright lie to them and say he hadn’t been able to find him? No, he had lied enough.

And then he saw something that stopped his dithering completely and made him feel like he had a core of iron. Yes, he was still nervous, but he knew very well what the right thing to do was because maybe it had been fate that had brought him here.

He saw Dane’s truck, and any remaining doubt left his mind as though it had never been there at all.

His hands didn’t shake when he opened the car door, and his knees weren’t weak. His stomach clenched, but not so much with nerves as with anticipation. Whatever happened, he was going to have it out. Even if he only got closure from this, it would be invaluable, and he knew that he stood to gain a lot more than that, if only he could convince Dane that it was worth the effort to try again.

Stepping firmly, Taylor looked around, scanning the rides, looking for someone operating them who was huge, and strong, with a long, reddish-brown braid. Dane tended to stand out, and it didn’t take him long to find him.

For a moment, Taylor just let himself enjoy the first sight of the man he loved in months. Dane looked as huge as ever, maybe even more so, because Taylor had forgotten just how wide those shoulders were, how long the legs and arms, how strong and muscular he was all over. After this, he supposed there was a chance, maybe even a good chance, that Taylor would never lay eyes on Dane again. He was going to enjoy it while he could.

Dane was talking to someone that Taylor had never seen before, though he had been around enough last year that he had met pretty much everyone Dane worked with. It was a small blond man, who was looking up at Dane with a huge grin on his face, while Dane leaned over him, almost protective of him, it seemed. That impression was underlined when Dane reached out and gripped the slender shoulder, speaking earnestly to him, but far too quietly for Taylor to make out.

Slowly, he walked forward, and all of his uncertainty was back in full force. Who was this blond man? Taylor watched as the smile slowly slid off of the younger man’s face, as he reached up and gripped Dane’s hand.

Both of them were too caught up in what they were doing to notice Taylor, and he was close enough now that he could hear what the younger man was saying.

“You said you weren’t leaving until Snoqualmie,” he protested, his large, dark eyes fixed on Dane’s face to the exclusion of everything else. “I thought I had that long, at least.”

“Sorry, Kaden,” Dane spoke, while Taylor was still trying to make heads or tails of that particular comment. Dane was planning to leave the fair in the little town that just so happened to be where Taylor lived? Or was he reading too much into that? And speaking of probably reading too much into things, why was Dane still touching this young man, this Kaden?

Kaden was, Taylor couldn’t help but note, very pretty.

“It’s not fair,” Kaden commented, his voice almost bitter. Taylor almost smirked at how immature the comment was, and he might have laughed if this situation hadn’t been so grimly serious. “I want you, Dane. I know you have to do what you have to do, but I also know that you’ll come back. This is your life, I’ve seen it.”

Dane reached down and took Kaden’s chin, making the smaller man look up at Dane so that their eyes met. Taylor gritted his teeth, but he didn’t think that there was anything tender about the touch. And he only saw sympathy from Dane, although Kaden clearly had a thing for him.

Not that he could blame the kid. Taylor had fallen for Dane far faster than he would have thought possible himself.

“Kaden, no,” Dane told him, and Taylor had heard that tone before, the one which always meant that, whatever was being said, it was true and serious and there was no point in arguing. But Kaden didn’t seem to have gotten the memo. “I like you, kid, but I told you—”

“Just once,” Kaden said abruptly, cutting Dane right off, which didn’t tend to be all that amazing of an idea. Not when Dane was using that particular tone. “It won’t kill you to sleep with me once, right? Just to say goodbye.”

At that moment, Taylor saw red. Probably the kid didn’t mean any harm, but Dane had pretty clearly said no there, and Kaden wouldn’t stop pushing. It was desperation, and Kaden would hopefully learn better, but Taylor could help him out with that.

It was past time that he let them know he was here.

“He said no,” Taylor spoke firmly, and he got the satisfaction of seeing the disbelief dawning on Dane’s face. This was a surprise, obviously, but whether or not it was a good surprise remained to be seen. Kaden looked understandably confused, and then irritated, which also made a certain amount of sense.

“I don’t see how this is any of your damn business,” Kaden told him, his voice heated as he stepped closer to Dane. “This is between him and me, so back off.”

Taylor shook his head. If only Dane would say something, anything, but he just kept on staring at Taylor as though not sure if he were some sort of optical illusion. Which was fair enough, he supposed, but it would be comforting to hear him speak.

“It is between you and Dane,” Taylor spoke, his courtesy strained but doing his best. “And it’s Dane’s choice. But, Dane, I would really appreciate it if you would talk to me before you make that choice.”

That comment did seem to make it through to Dane, who gave a little shake of his head to clear it, and then nodded.

“Kaden, I’ll talk to you later,” Dane rumbled, and now, at least, his gaze was fixated on Taylor, and only on Taylor. If only that meant the same thing to Dane as it did to Taylor, he thought, because even just the sight of Dane was like a drink of water to someone who had been in the desert for months, which was exactly how Taylor felt.

“Dane,” Kaden practically wailed, and then he turned and ran away. Taylor might have felt bad for him, and maybe he even did, a little. But he would feel a whole lot worse if Kaden hadn’t been trying to get with someone that Taylor still loved.

And he did still love him. He had suspected as much, but now he knew for sure. Dane was everything to him, and if Dane sent him away, Taylor would never move on. He would go, he wouldn’t try to force himself on Dane like that pretty, mouthy young man had, but it would hurt.

“There’s a park this way, connects to the library parking lot,” Dane rumbled, and without looking away from Taylor, he gestured. Taylor, his heart pounding so loudly that he was sure Dane must be able to hear it, was unable to do anything other than just walk where he was directed.

It was quiet in the park, everyone who might usually be there caught up in the excitement of the fair. They might as well be alone, and Taylor groaned softly with relief as Dane sat down on a bench, which meant that Taylor could drop down beside him.

“So, talk,” Dane demanded, and Taylor found that he could, after all. Not that it was easy, but this was his chance, a chance that he had honestly half felt like he would never get. He wasn’t going to waste it. He had wasted so many chances with Dane already.

“I love you,” Taylor started, and once those three words were out, he found it much easier to continue than he could have ever dreamed. It was like those words unleashed a dam inside of him which had been holding far too much in, and while he had this opportunity, he had things to say.

“I shouldn’t have lied to you,” he admitted, while Dane just looked at him with those enigmatic dark eyes. “I should have told you that I was going to school. I was worried that it would hurt you, but it seems so stupid now. I was a coward.”

One more deep breath, and then he was going to say the last two words, the ones that mattered, and the ones that he should have said months ago before Dane had walked away. Instead, he’d gotten defensive, but he wasn’t going to make that mistake again.

“I’m sorry.” It was out, and the world hadn’t ended. Suddenly, the air was moving more easily through Taylor’s lungs. He was proud, but his pride didn’t matter, not when he knew very well just how lucky he was to have even just the opportunity to say these things to Dane. Dane could have easily told him to fuck right off, and Taylor couldn’t even deny that he would have deserved it.

“I’m sorry, too,” Dane spoke so quietly that Taylor had to lean in to have a chance at hearing him. And even then, he couldn’t be sure that he had heard him right. “You weren’t wrong, you know. When you said some people just run all the time.”

Taylor remembered that all too clearly. He remembered the whole brief, terse, angry conversation in all of its awkwardness, the words he’d flung in Dane’s face to try to deal with his own guilt, his anger which was more at himself than at Dane.

“I didn’t mean …” Taylor started, and then Dane had him by the shoulders and was pulling him close. His words were utterly cut off, any protest that he was going to make silenced, by the sweet press of Dane’s lips against his own.

“I don’t ever wanna run from you again,” Dane finally whispered, his lips still brushing lightly over Taylor’s, who felt as though every muscle, nerve, sinew, every tissue in his body was humming from that kiss. He didn’t know what the kiss meant, but it had blown him away.

Part of him had forgotten just what it was like to be kissed by Dane, but he remembered now.

“Dane, what if nothing’s changed?” Taylor bit his lower lip, looking at the older man, trusting him, somehow, to have the answers. Maybe it would have been better if he had trusted him all along.

“What do you mean? Between you and me?” Dane asked, in that incredibly sexy, irresistible drawl of his, the one that always got deeper and thicker when Dane was aroused. It was pretty deep right then, which didn’t exactly break Taylor’s heart.

“Yeah. I want to be with you,” Taylor admitted, not sure that he had said words like that to anyone in his life. He had never been brave enough to risk the rejection, perhaps. “But I still have Danica, and my mom, and now I have school, even if I feel like I might just not re-enroll. And you’re still going to want to wander, aren’t you?”

It felt like something he had always known about Dane. Dane was someone who couldn’t stay still for too long. That had always seemed like a deal breaker for Taylor, and now that the first rush of the reunion had faded a bit, he had to admit that he hadn’t thought this out fully.

He had honestly never thought he would get to this moment. He had thought that Dane would end this far before now. He hadn’t, but what had changed between them? All of the same things which had struck Taylor as making it a bad idea to get into something like this with Dane were still just as bad an idea as ever.

The only thing was, for the first time, Taylor had to admit to himself that he wanted it to work. He wanted there to be a way for them to be together because being without Dane had been pure hell. Unbearable, it had felt like, more often than not.

“Yeah. I’m still gonna wanna see the world,” Dane admitted, and Taylor blinked, hating that his eyes were getting wet. But Dane, for some reason, didn’t sound upset. He sounded downright cheerful, and that just didn’t seem decent, considering the pit of despair which had opened up inside of Taylor.

“You don’t have to sound so happy about it. Are you still mad at me? Or do you just not love me anymore?” he demanded, sure that he sounded just as petty and almost as immature as Kaden had. It was hard to care.

“You got an all or nothing mindset. You know that?” Dane commended, and then he had some pity, reaching out and gathering Taylor up, pulling him into the safety of his lap. “There’s stuff I wanna do. I’ve never been to Europe, and I’d like to go. But I’d also like to try school. I hope you weren’t serious about dropping out, by the way.”

Dane paused, giving Taylor a chance to interrupt if he wanted to, but Taylor was listening intently and contented himself with a brief shake of his head. He wasn’t sure what he was going to do about school, to be honest.

“I don’t see why we can’t have it all,” Dane suddenly burst out with the words, his brown eyes plaintive as he looked deep into Taylor’s, as though begging him to give this a chance, without saying the words. Considering that Taylor had been willing to beg himself, it was pretty amazing to see that.

“What do you mean?” Taylor asked, and Dane leaned in and kissed him again—just as devastating as the first time—until Taylor was tingling from head to toe once more.

“I’m not sure, exactly, but I reckon together we could figure it out,” he purred, and Taylor let himself feel the surge of hope. Dane wanted to make it work. More than that, Dane seemed to think that it could work.

And maybe that was what made him make an offer that he would never have thought to do before now, heard words spill from his lips so easily that he would never have thought he would hear himself say.

“Is your carnival hiring?”