Chapter 15
“What?” Gray pulled back to look at her face. Alyssa knew he hadn’t been expecting that. Who would? “Seriously?”
“His name was Donnie. We started dating as freshman at Syracuse. He was perfect. Very polite and caring. He did romantic stuff like plan a picnic in his dorm room, and walked me to class even if it meant he’d be late for his own class. Things like that.”
“I think I might vomit,” Gray joked.
“We moved in together and I wasn’t surprised when he asked me to marry him. We were engaged the summer before our senior year. We were busy getting good grades and making plans for our wedding. His family didn’t have much. His father was on permanent disability. His mother was overworked and trying to take care of his four younger siblings. We talked all the time about having a better life. Getting jobs in New York and being yuppies.” She laughed at the memory, but then turned serious.
“In January of our senior year, we walked out of class together, and the police rushed in and arrested him. They said he was being charged for sexual assault and rape.”
Gray pulled her closer to him, though his warmth barely fought off the chill of that memory. It was the exact moment when everything went from perfect to perfectly awful.
“Of course, I didn’t believe any of it. I knew Donnie wasn’t capable of doing something like that. If anything, he was boring in bed, always wanting it missionary. On special occasions, we might do it with me on top, but never anything wild. Never any place but in a bed. He thought oral was disgusting. He didn’t even make any noise during his release. There was no way he could have done it. I was sure.
“They set his bail fairly high because he had no real ties to the community. He didn’t have the money to post bail and his parents weren’t able, or willing, to help. I tried to raise the money, but I was only working part time at a coffee house. I had nothing to put up, not even a car. The money we had saved for our wedding wasn’t enough, so he had to stay in jail.
“I supported him and visited every chance I got. He told me repeatedly that it was a mistake and how they would release him soon. Every day I woke up thinking it would be the day they would clear up the misunderstanding and he would come home, but that didn’t happen.
“It actually got worse. A third girl came forward from his high school. I was so angry. I wanted to find these girls and scream at them for ruining our perfect life with their lies. That was until I walked into the courtroom and saw them sitting there.
“All three of them, with their long brown hair and big brown eyes, looked over at me. Their eyes were haunted and empty. They seemed hollow, and I knew someone had done something horrible to them. They had been victimized. It was clear on their nearly identical faces, but still I didn’t believe it could have been Donnie. He never so much a raised his voice to me.
“Day after excruciating day, the evidence stacked up against him. His DNA matched the semen found in all of them, which made no sense. He’d always worn a condom with me, even though I was on the pill. We knew we couldn’t afford a kid, so we took extra precautions. His attorney was arguing the accuracy of the tests to no avail. It was a positive match.
“When they were done with the scientific babble and pointing out his lack of alibi during the crimes, the women took the stand to tell their stories. It was atrocious. The person who had raped them was brutal. He’d beaten them and said violent things. Things Donnie could have never had said to anyone.
“Then the second to the last woman mentioned the rapist wearing a navy blue hoodie and gloves, and how his sleeve had pulled up showing a small section of skin. She had scratched his arm. The skin under her nails matched Donnie’s DNA, but that still wasn’t what finally convinced me.” She shook her head, still baffled by her ignorance.
“It was that stupid blue hoodie. I used to borrow it sometimes, and then all of a sudden it was missing. Every time I asked where it was, he told me a different story. He didn’t know. It had ripped so he’d thrown it out. He got bleach on it at work. I kept asking just because he kept making up something else each time. And I did remember that scratch on his arm.
“I had asked him what happened, and he told me he didn’t remember. At the time I thought it looked pretty painful, and wondered how someone could forget being scratched that badly.
“In the courtroom, I looked over at him sitting like a stone, wearing his orange jumpsuit and I saw the thin white scar on his arm. My world stopped.
“I left and didn’t go back. I knew then that he had done it. I didn’t know why or how, but I knew I didn’t know the real him at all. I never heard the last woman’s story. I just needed to leave.”
Grayson didn’t say anything for a very long time. He pulled her over to him and held her very tight. Maybe he thought she was going to cry, but she wasn’t. She had cried everything she had left to cry.
“The nightmares?”
“The man in my dreams does the things the women described. He’s wearing a blue hoodie, but I never see his face.” She took a quick breath.
“I can understand why you would be afraid to be close to someone after that,” he said.
“Everyone has secrets,” she said numbly. Of all the people she had met since finding out the truth about the man she had planned to marry, she felt the most comfortable with Grayson, but that didn’t mean she could allow herself to be happy with him.
He paused before responding, then nodded and pulled back so he could look in her eyes.
“Yes, everyone probably has secrets to some degree. But most people don’t have hideous secrets like that. Normal people have secrets like…they’re still using their roommate’s toothbrush or they did eat the last doughnut the other morning.”
She laughed, which was probably what he was going for.
“You can’t keep this bottled up inside of you, Liss. It will eat away at you until you’re hollow inside. You need to have a good life and find a way past this.” Except she didn’t deserve to have a happy life after failing to stop a monster from hurting other people. If she’d just paid attention to what was happening in front of her, instead of planning a wedding, she might have spared at least one of Donnie’s victims.
“It’s hard to move on when you’re not sure where things went wrong the first time. Obviously, he had this problem before he met me, but he seemed so nice. How could I have been so blind?”
“You weren’t blind. He was just very good at hiding who he really was.”
“And how would I know I wouldn’t fall for it again with someone else?”
Gray let out a sigh. It was clear he didn’t have an answer.
“I wrote to him after he was convicted, asking him why he did it. I thought if I knew maybe I could figure out how I’d missed it. Maybe I would know what to look for the next time, but he couldn’t even give me that. He still denied everything. He swore they had the wrong person and he was going to be released soon so we could be married. If he could have just told me the truth…” She hung her head. “Maybe if I hadn’t been so giddy every time he called me his almost-wife I would have seen some clue. I was so stupid.”
“You weren’t stupid. Who would ever suspect such a thing? Especially from someone who was so nice to you? No one would, Liss. No one.”
She liked the way his fingers felt as they brushed though her hair, but she had no idea what he really did when he went to the gym or stayed late at work.
She didn’t really know him.
No one really knew anyone.
* * * *
This was horrible. Worse than horrible. There wasn’t a word for it.
Gray knew she had been hurt. It was obvious by the way she avoided relationships, but he had no idea it was this severe. He pulled her closer, wanting to take all of it away.
“I swear I don’t have anything heinous like that in my past. The worst thing I’m guilty of is occasionally taking a long lunch break. I’m safe, Liss. I promise, you can count on me.”
She nodded in a noncommittal way. She wasn’t ready, but he’d gotten through. She’d told him her story. It was huge, and now that he was on the inside of her wall he was terrified.
He really wanted to help Alyssa because he cared, but he knew he wasn’t qualified. He didn’t have the ability to be what she needed in order to heal.
He held her as she fell asleep, his mind still racing to find a way to help. Then at about three in the morning, he had an idea. He wasn’t qualified, but he knew someone who was.
The next morning, he snuck out into the hallway with his phone before Alyssa woke up.
“What, brat?” his older sister, Izabelle, answered.
“I need a favor.”
“Like an I need you to lie to mom and dad favor, or an I need bail money kind of favor?”
“I need you to see if a psych eval was done on a prisoner and see if you can take a look at it and give me your thoughts.”
“I so did not see that coming,” she said flatly.
“I know. It’s for a friend.”
“Who is it and where are they being detained?”
“Donald Rice. Onondaga.” He’d gotten the details out of Alyssa before she fell asleep the night before.
“Let me see what I can do. I’ll get back to you after I take a look.”
“Thanks, Iz. I really appreciate this.”
It was two days before Izabelle got back to him with her results.
“How in the hell did you get mixed up with this sick son of a bitch?” his sister asked when he answered the phone. Since he was watching a movie with Alyssa, he excused himself and went to talk in his room.
“My friend was engaged to him, she had no idea he was a rapist.”
“I can believe that. He doesn’t seem to know he’s a rapist either.”
“What does that mean? Like multi-personality disorder?”
“He’s delusional.”
“I could have guessed that myself.”
“Not like normal guy delusional, but like seriously messed-up delusional. His doctor put him under hypnosis to get to his repressed memories. Of course, it’s not admissible in court, but it is helpful to know how to treat the patient.”
“What did the file say?”
“His mother was apparently turning tricks for extra cash, and this Donnie walked in on his mom getting roughed up by one of her customers. He was thirteen and tried to stop the guy, but he wasn’t big enough to help.”
“Shit.”
“He already had some other social issues before this happened, but this incident during puberty forced him to repress those feelings of helplessness and anger. You can only keep shit like that inside for so long before it comes out.
“The notes say the women he attacked looked like his mother, so I’m guessing he was probably acting out the scenario but with him being the one in control. Then when the act was over, he repressed it each time. It’s very hard to treat a person like this because you don’t have anything to grasp onto. He won’t admit he did it, so there’s no remorse or guilt. There’s nothing.
“Apparently, they tried to go with a guilty by reason of insanity defense, but Donald relieved his public defender and refused his right for counsel, claiming it was a misunderstanding and he was innocent.”
“She couldn’t have known he was like this?”
“Like I said, he doesn’t even know he’s like this.”
“My friend is having a rough time moving on. She doesn’t trust anyone. What can I do?”
“Friend?” she said skeptically.
“Roommate? Whatever.”
“Whatever?” she asked even more skeptically.
“It’s not important. Just tell me how I can help her.”
“It would depend on how close you are. I’m not just trying to find out the extent of the relationship for my own curiosity. I would need to know your position before I could offer a suggestion.”
Gray swallowed uncomfortably. What was his position?
“I care about her, but she keeps me out, so we’re just friends at the moment. Mainly because she isn’t capable of anything else right now.”
“And you’re sure you’re not drawn to her because she’s a project? You used to have an issue with taking on damaged people so you could feel validated.”
“Don’t analyze me, Iz. You know I hate that. Just tell me how I can help her.”
“She might need closure. Maybe if she could hear him admit to what he’s done.”
“She knows he did it,” he said.
“Still, knowing the facts is different than actually hearing him take responsibility for hurting, not just those women, but her too.”
“But if he’s delusional, he’s not going to admit it.”
“Probably not.”
“So you haven’t helped me at all.” He held his hand up even though no one could see.
“That’s how we therapists work.” She laughed at him. “Are you coming home for the family reunion? You could bring your friend.”
“I’m not sure. We’ll see.”
“Okay. Let me know if there’s anything else I can do.”
“Thanks. See you soon.”
Closure. Grayson had no idea how he would go about getting closure for Alyssa, but he wasn’t about to give up on her just because it was difficult.
* * * *
“Everything okay?” Alyssa asked when Gray came back from his room. She knew he’d been on the phone. Not that she’d heard any of the conversation through the door since he’d been whispering.
“Yeah. Everything’s great. I was just talking to my sister.”
“How is she?” She knew how much he loved his older sister, regardless of how annoyed he pretended to be.
“Good. She’s asking me about the family reunion. You want to go with me?”
“Not even a little bit.” She laughed.
“All right then.” He frowned and went to make a bowl of cereal for a snack.
“You’re not even going to try to negotiate? Maybe offer me something in exchange for my going?” She crossed her arms over her chest.
“I don’t want to go either. I’d like to avoid having my mother and sister tell embarrassing stories about me.” He shrugged and took a big bite.
“I’m in.”
“What? No!” He practically spit cereal all over the place.
“I’m going.”
“You can’t go without me.” He pointed at her with is spoon.
“Why not?”
“Because it’s a family reunion.”
“Are you trying to make me feel insignificant because you have a family and I only have my mom? Thanks for rubbing it in, Gray. That hurts.” She clasped a hand to her chest while batting her eyelashes.
“Okay. Okay. We’ll go.” He shook his head. “I don’t know what just happened here,” Grayson conceded as he crunched on his cereal.
“When is it?”
“Two weeks.”
Alyssa never liked to plan things out too far because plans changed. People changed.
Police showed up and took people away.
Gray hadn’t said much about Alyssa’s revelation. He didn’t pile on the pity either, for which she was grateful. He just seemed like his normal self. It was a relief and had been a step toward trusting him a little more.
She didn’t know how long this would last, but she didn’t want to waste any of it. She left her room and snuggled up next to Gray on the sofa.
He stroked her hair and kissed the back of her hand. It was a sweet gesture. One that made her bones and the wall around her heart soften just the tiniest bit.