Chapter 26
How could he have done this? He could not believe how stupid he was. He couldn’t even remember who he’d brought home. Had Alyssa heard them?
“What’s wrong?” Alyssa asked as she popped her head in his room. He was still lying in bed naked, so he pulled the sheet up quickly to cover himself.
“Uh, nothing.”
“Are you sure?” She took a step into his room and he felt his shame multiply.
“Did you…?” He sighed. “Did you happen to see a woman leaving here this morning?” He hung his head, unable to look at her. He was never going to be able to convince her he was a good person after all of this.
He took a breath and held his head up. It was only a week, two at the most. He would be leaving, and she wouldn’t have to deal with him anymore. He wouldn’t have to deal with living with a woman he loved who didn’t love him back. It would all be over. He would send her an email on her birthday to show he remembered, and that would be the extent of their relationship.
Two weeks.
“A woman?” Alyssa looked confused as she turned to look down the hall.
“I apparently brought someone home last night, but I don’t remember. Is anything missing?”
Alyssa looked down at her T-shirt and bare legs. Except…it wasn’t her T-shirt. It was his, and he knew it had been in his room before he left the day before.
Bare legs?
He swallowed loudly, trying to gather the courage to ask the unaskable question.
“I was with you?” he said in barely a whisper.
For a moment, he thought he might be sick. She’d made it clear she didn’t want to be with him. She stared at him with big eyes and then shrugged.
“I slept in here, but nothing happened. You don’t remember… anything?” Her voice sounded tiny and far away.
He shook his head quickly, unable to look her in the eye. He was focused on his shirt she was wearing and saw her shift her weight from one foot to the other.
“I’m so sorry, Liss. I know you wanted things to go back to—” He stopped short in that thought. “Wait. Were you drunk too? Did I take advantage of you, Liss? Christ!”
“No! No. I wasn’t drunk. I came to get you. I helped you get home, and showered. Then I stayed with you, but we didn’t have sex.”
He must have been in pretty bad shape if she slept next to him despite her plan to keep a twenty-foot buffer between them at all times.
“I’m sorry.” He couldn’t say it enough.
“Do you want waffles?” she offered. He knew her well. Better than anyone beside himself. She was trying to play it off as if she were fine, and he cowardly wanted to let her. Even if they hadn’t had sex, he still crossed a line. He shouldn’t have put her in a position to have to come rescue him from his own stupidity.
“Uh, yeah, sure. That sounds good.”
She vanished out of his room like a racehorse out of the starting gate.
He took his time getting dressed, noticing he was clean. She said she helped him in the shower. That must have been uncomfortable for her. He stopped himself from chasing her down to apologize yet again.
The thought sparked a fleeting memory of them kissing under the stream of water. It was an excellent memory, but he pushed it away painfully. He didn’t deserve to have a memory of that.
She was quiet when he came out to the kitchen fully clothed.
“I think we need to talk,” he said, but she shook her head quickly.
“No. We don’t need to. Nothing happened. Just snuggling.”
“But we agreed we weren’t doing that anymore.”
“It was nothing. No big deal. Just forget it.” She put his plate in front of him. “Oh that’s right, you already did.” She was trying to be funny, but neither one of them laughed.
“If you don’t want to talk about last night, fine. But we need to talk about something else.”
“So talk,” she said holding up her fork in annoyance.
The way she refused to take any of it seriously was beginning to piss him off. He was a human being with feelings. Didn’t anything get through her walls?
“I’m moving to San Diego in two weeks. You’ll need to find a new roommate if you want to keep the apartment. I can spot you for a few months.”
He regretted spitting it out like that because obviously, he had finally made those impenetrable walls shake. She had that same sick look he had a moment ago when he realized what had happened between them. Only this time it was much, much worse.
“I’m sorry. I should have given you more notice, but we haven’t had a chance to talk much lately, and I…” Don’t want to leave you, he finished in his head.
“I need to go meet Mia,” she said as she pushed her uneaten breakfast aside. “I’m late.” Only then did Grayson notice she had changed into real clothes instead of just his T-shirt.
“I tell you I’m moving across the country and you’ve got to go?” He couldn’t believe she would be this cold.
“What do you want me to do? Mia and I have plans to go to Connecticut to see the new baby. And I’ve got two weeks to find a roommate or a place I can afford on my own. What else do we need to talk about?”
“I told you I would help for a few—”
“I don’t need your help. The last thing I need is anything from you.” Her voice shook with real emotion as she snatched up her phone from the counter and headed for the door.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” he asked himself out loud when she was gone.
* * * *
“Leaving?” Alyssa said to no one as she waited for the elevator. “He’s just leaving? He tells me he loves me, begs me to love him back, and once I do he says he’s leaving?” She couldn’t believe her life at the moment.
When she’d gotten out of his bed that morning, everything seemed perfect. How could it end up in such a mess so quickly? This could only happen to her.
Her visit with Kenley and the new baby was torture. It was nearly impossible to keep a smile on her face all afternoon. Kenley didn’t buy it either. She’d asked once already, but Alyssa just shook her head and smiled wider. She wouldn’t let her heartbreak interfere with Kenley’s happiness.
Being with the happy family forced Alyssa to face the future that waited for her in New York. She was alone and had no one to blame but herself. Kenley had a family. Mia was leaving for Philadelphia soon. And Gray…
“What’s going on with you?” Kenley asked when they were alone. “Don’t say you’re fine or I’ll start talking about how I cry with joy every time I’m breastfeeding.”
Alyssa sniffed and shook her head.
“I’ve been overly emotional myself, and I can’t even blame it on hormones.”
“The guy? Grayson?” she guessed. Liss nodded and pressed her lips together, feeling the tightening in her throat.
“I told him I loved him. Can you believe that?” She let out a snort of disbelief. “I wasn’t even drunk. I meant it.”
“He doesn’t feel the same way?” Kenley asked.
“It doesn’t matter. He’s moving away.”
“Last time I checked, there wasn’t anything keeping you here. Take it from me, sometimes starting over somewhere you didn’t expect to be is a great thing.”
“I’m not cut out for this kind of life. I should have known better. I don’t deserve it.”
Kenley sucked in a breath, her eyes wide.
Alyssa hadn’t meant to say that. She didn’t want to have to explain.
“What does that mean? Of course you deserve to be happy.”
“Just forget what I said. I’m just being silly over a guy. I’ll be fine.”
Alyssa managed to convince Kenley she would be fine; however, Liss had her doubts it was true.
* * * *
Doug came home from work to find both his girls wearing aprons and covered in clay. It was a welcome sight, one he looked forward to seeing frequently now that Lucy would be staying with them more often.
“What are you making?” he asked as he picked up Lucy and bent to kiss Chanda on the head.
“I’m making a sculpture of a lion.”
“I see.” It didn’t look like a lion one bit, but he didn’t care. Not when his daughter was smiling like that.
“Chanda is going to come to my school tomorrow and teach us how to make an animal.”
“She is? That is very nice of her.”
“Chanda is very nice.”
“Yes. I couldn’t agree more.” He kissed Chanda again and let Lucy slide down to the floor.
“I’m going to go put on my new princess dress,” Lucy announced.
“Wash your hands first,” Chanda called with a smile.
It was that moment. Simple and ordinary when he knew.
After the divorce, he vowed to never marry again. He was sure most men had the same thoughts after having their balls handed to them.
Doug’s reason for not wanting to try again had been more than just the pain of a failed marriage. He realized in the months leading up to the separation that he’d made a mess out of all their lives.
He’d taken the easy way out and married Julie so he wouldn’t have to date, or entice someone into caring about him. He’d been lazy and married the first woman who said she loved him back.
It was easy to see, years later, that he never loved Julie. And because he basically coasted through the rest of the marriage, he could now understand why she hadn’t been happy. The guilt made him shiver, even though he knew that Julie was responsible for the role she played as well.
She’d gotten pregnant on purpose, knowing they were having problems in their marriage. It had been her plan to take him for child support, but she needed the child first. Lucy was the best thing to ever happen to him, but her presence didn’t heal their damaged marriage. Instead, it gave them something new to disagree on.
He thought he’d never marry again because he didn’t want to fail someone else, including himself. But as he stared into Chanda’s eyes, he knew he wouldn’t fail at this. It was so simple that there wasn’t any reason not to try.
“I love you,” he told Chanda, feeling it down to his toes. He knew he cared about her enough to follow through. Every day he would put in the effort so she knew how important she was to him.
“I love you too. Are you okay? You look a little pale.”
“I’m better than okay.”
“Don’t be mad about the princess dress. It was on sale and she looked up at me with those eyes. I can’t help but give in.”
“I’ve been told she has my eyes.”
“She does.”
“So does that mean you would give in if I looked at you all pleading and begging?” He bent to kiss her neck and she giggled, squirming closer to him.
“What can I say? I’m a pushover,” she confessed.
He’d seen how fierce she could be. She definitely wasn’t a pushover. But if he had an advantage, he would very well use it.
“I’m going to use this skill to get what I want,” Doug said.
“I don’t think they make princess dresses in your size.” They laughed as Lucy thumped down the steps in a glittering atrocity.
“You look lovely, your highness.” Doug bowed elegantly. “And you, my queen, will be mine after bedtime,” he whispered only to Chanda.
* * * *
Alyssa and Grayson were back to being strangers. Over the last two weeks, she’d thrown herself into her work to keep from dealing with her life.
Grayson was busy packing and taking care of last minute arrangements, while Alyssa stayed in her room in denial of the fact he was leaving.
There was no farewell party or even a toast at the bar. He’d refused.
The moving company came in that Saturday and took all of his boxes and furniture. Their home echoed as he walked back inside, picking up his bag and handing her his key.
“Well, I guess this is it. I have a plane to catch.”
“Okay. Good luck.” She took the key without looking at him. She was sure if she did, she’d end up on her knees, begging him to stay with her.
He leaned down and gave her a hug. She just stood there woodenly, unable to respond. With a sigh, he turned and walked out the door.
She heard his footsteps as he entered the hall and shut the door. She knew that was it. She wouldn’t ever see him again, but she couldn’t move to make him stop.
She didn’t deserve to be happy.
Tears filled her eyes and flowed the rest of the weekend.
On Monday, she went into the office with red swollen eyes, causing everyone to stare and gossip. Not that she cared at all. Her manager had planned to give her another account, but after taking one look at her, she retreated back to her office and gave it to someone else.
Again, she didn’t care.
She texted Grayson a few times. Asking how his flight was. Was he getting settled okay? They were just random questions in an attempt to connect with him again in some way. She missed him so much, it felt like he’d accidentally packed up her soul in one of his boxes and taken it to San Diego with him.
He never texted back.
Even her email went unanswered. She didn’t give up. She told him about the weather and how he’d gotten some mail. She told him how she hadn’t found anyone to rent his room to yet.
Two weeks later, she was no better. If anything, she was getting worse.
He still hadn’t answered.
She was watching television in her pajamas on Saturday afternoon when the doorbell rang.
She pulled open the door after checking to see who was there.
“Hey, Iz,” Alyssa greeted Grayson’s older sister.
“Hey.” She frowned at Alyssa’s appearance. “Gray asked me to stop by and pick up some mail.”
Alyssa couldn’t hold it back. She burst into tears, sobbing uncontrollably as Izzy wrapped her arms around her and led her over to the sofa.
“What’s wrong?”
“I miss him so much.”
“You do?” Iz seemed surprised.
“Yes. I didn’t want him to leave.”
“Huh. He told me you didn’t care about him. He said you probably wouldn’t even notice he was gone.”
“He did?” Alyssa cried harder.
“Yes. But I probably shouldn’t have told you that.”
“He was wrong.” Obviously. She was a mess.
“I didn’t want him to go either, but he wouldn’t listen to me when I asked him to stay. What did he say when you asked?” Izabelle said while rubbing Alyssa’s back.
Alyssa sat up, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.
“I–I didn’t ask him to stay.”
“I’m confused.”
“So am I,” Alyssa conceded. “I think I need to see someone. I’m so messed up. I didn’t think I deserved to be happy with Grayson so I messed it up. I saw myself doing it, and I still couldn’t stop.”
“Why would you say you don’t deserve to be happy?” Izabelle had slipped into psychiatrist mode. Alyssa felt excited for a second.
“You’re a shrink! You can help fix me!”
Izzy held up her hands in front of her and shook her head.
“As much as we love being called that, no. I don’t take on patients who I know personally. You would need to see someone else. I can refer you to someone if you’d like, and I’ll be here if you need to talk, but I can’t offer any advice. I’m compromised.”
“Sure. Yes. I want to talk to someone. I’m ready.”
“Good. It might have been better if you’d been ready a month or so ago, but at least you’re doing it.” Izzy smiled.
“I know. My timing is off.”
“Go get dressed. We need a drink.” It was a strange therapy for a psychiatrist to employ, but Alyssa didn’t question it.
The next Tuesday after work, Alyssa sat in the lobby of Dr. Drenner’s office.
The tiny woman was in her fifties and had photos of St. Bernards and family members all over her office.
Alyssa spoke until she was hoarse at the first meeting and the second and the third. Dr. Drenner wasn’t bringing much to the table. She was just listening and asking more questions to get Alyssa to talk.
Eventually, she folded her hands together and nodded.
“Why did you leave the courtroom before the last woman took the stand to testify?” the doctor asked.
“I realized he was lying. I didn’t need to hear her story to be convinced.”
“You told me three times that you left without hearing her story. Why did you mention it so many times?”
“I don’t know. Aren’t you supposed to have all the answers?”
“No. I’m supposed to point out the answers to you.”
Alyssa tried to think about why she might have said it three times. She didn’t know. She hadn’t even realized she mentioned it more than once.
“I don’t know,” she finally said.
“The sweatshirt convinced you of his guilt.”
“Yes. And the scar on his arm,” Alyssa explained.
“The scar put there by the second victim.”
“Right.”
“And you knew he was lying about both things after he’d attacked the second woman?”
“Yes.” Alyssa was getting frustrated.
“And you questioned him about the cut and the sweatshirt.”
“Yes. I already told you all of this. Why does it matter?”
“It matters because you keep getting stuck on it. Tell me again,” the doctor insisted.
“God! This is ridiculous.”
“Maybe. Tell me again. Tell me about the sweatshirt and the cut.”
At first, Alyssa crossed her arms, silently refusing to go through it all again. What did it matter? It was over. She just wanted to forget.
“It was the end of November.” She gave in, hoping there was some trick to getting through this. “It was cold out and he came home without the jacket. He had a winter coat, but he rarely wore it to work because it made his coat smell like fried food. He hated the smell of old grease.”
Alyssa took a breath, remembering him rubbing his arms when he walked into their apartment.
“I asked him where his coat was and he said he left it at work. It didn’t make sense. Even if he’d forgotten it, he would have remembered as soon he walked outside and felt the chill.
“He went straight for the shower. When he came out, he had a bandage on his arm. I asked him what happened and he said he didn’t know. It was a long cut. I couldn’t imagine he wouldn’t have known.
“Over the next week or so, he never came home from work with the jacket. He told me a different story each time. I knew he was lying. I should have pushed him on it, made him tell me the truth, but I didn’t.” Alyssa’s hands were shaking.
“Why didn’t you?”
“I didn’t want him to think I didn’t believe him. I didn’t want him to get angry and leave me. We were going to get married. I couldn’t risk it.”
“So you didn’t push him for the truth even though you knew he was lying. What did you think happened?”
“I didn’t think anything happened. I didn’t know. I just knew he was lying.”
“Did you think he was having an affair?”
“No. I don’t know.”
“You must have thought something had happened to the jacket. You must have known it wasn’t normal for someone to lie to someone they loved over something so insignificant.”
“I figured it wasn’t important.”
“You didn’t want to know,” Dr. Drenner said sternly. “You didn’t want to know the truth.”
“No, I didn’t.” To Alyssa’s surprise, she found herself crying. Big guilt-ridden tears rolled off her cheeks onto her dress pants.
“And what would have happened if you’d made him tell you?”
“I don’t know!” she yelled at the doctor.
“Yes you do. What would have happened if you had made him tell you the truth? If he’d told you he hurt someone?”
“He wouldn’t have.”
“If you’d asked him, really asked, he might have told you. Then what would have happened?”
“I’d have turned him in.”
“Would you have?”
“Yes! And then Bridgette wouldn’t have ever been hurt! She wouldn’t have had to live through that. It was my fault! I didn’t stop him from hurting her. I could have and I didn’t!” Alyssa broke down, repeating the words that had been dammed up in her for years.
The doctor gave her the time she needed to cry it out, offering tissues.
Alyssa took a deep breath when she’d regained control and Dr. Drenner gave her a small smile.
“He never would have told you. Never. And there was no reason for you to suspect it was something so gruesome. You never could have known what he did. He didn’t even know it himself. You were protecting yourself from being abandoned. You weren’t turning a blind eye to a horrendous crime. It’s easy for you to look back now and see how you should have known, but you didn’t. You couldn’t have. No matter how much you would have asked or pressured him about that sweatshirt, you wouldn’t have been able to spare Bridgette. You can’t keep punishing yourself.”
For the first time, Alyssa realized the truth. It was a sweatshirt and a cut. Not a bloody knife or a smoking gun. The police had used the sweatshirt and the cut to prove the crime after the fact, and somehow Alyssa had twisted it to believe she should have seen it first. But the shirt and cut, on their own, wouldn’t have meant anything without a reason to suspect him.
Alyssa left the office feeling slightly better. No one else would have jumped to the conclusion that her loved one was a rapist from a missing hoodie and a cut.
She’d believed Donald because she loved him. And part of her still loved the man she’d thought he was. But that man was gone. Or never was. She needed to find a way to let him go so she could move on.