Chapter 22
Well, that hadn’t worked, Alyssa thought as she made her way to her office. She’d been trying to get things back to the way they were. But she should have known better. Things had always been fun with Grayson from that very first time. They’d laughed and didn’t take things too seriously.
But things felt way too serious now.
She hadn’t planned on a quickie in his office being romantic, but somehow it was. Even down to the way he’d handed her those napkins. It was as if that smiling face on the coffee cup was saying, “Now this is a kind man. He cares about you.” She laughed at the thought.
“Alyssa?” Mr. Hasher had called her name. She stopped and changed direction hoping she didn’t look like she’d just had sex. “You have a minute?”
“Uh, yeah. Sure.” Did he know? Was she going to be fired? Was Grayson? This was her fault. He hadn’t wanted to do it. Well, obviously he did to some degree. Maybe she’d point out how it hadn’t even taken a minute and that Gray had checked his emails first. Damn.
Thoughts of Kenley came to mind. What if Alyssa ended up like her? Without a job, she’d have to move home.
The owner of the company didn’t say anything as they moved toward his office. No waiting the normal twenty minutes this time. She would have welcomed the extra time to get her knees under control. Of course it didn’t work that way.
He frowned as he took his seat and steepled his fingers.
“I think we have a problem,” he said. Oh God. Now she’d done it.
* * * *
Grayson didn’t know how to respond. She’d been speaking so fast, he barely made out the words, but eventually, after a few repeats, he was able to get the whole story.
“So what happens now?” he asked. They were almost to their building. It was raining so he held the umbrella for them, noticing the rain amplified the vanilla scent of her hair.
“I’m not sure. I guess they’ll give me another account. It’s not my fault the owner of Leedom Enterprises decided to sell the business abruptly and run off with his son’s fiancée. Who does that? It’s so rude, not to mention incredibly icky.”
“Maybe the person who buys it from him will want us to continue to work the account.”
“Maybe. I had big plans for that company. Stupid old guy with his Viagra.”
“I think he’s only like sixty.” Grayson had to laugh at her.
He especially enjoyed the part of the tale where she thought she was going to throw up all over Mr. Hasher’s desk.
“You thought he knew what happened in my office?”
“He was so serious and my face was so hot.”
“Well, he might not know, but Doug does.” He came clean.
“Seriously?”
“You were too loud.”
“I was not! You were.” She frowned and let out a sigh once they were inside.
“Are you okay?”
“I’m going to go take a shower and spend the rest of the evening not working on the Leedom account.”
He brought her a glass of wine while she was in the shower, and by the time she came out, he’d made tacos.
They ate in front of the television and then he nudged her to sit on the floor in front of him so he could rub her shoulders and neck. She was so tense.
“Feel good?” he guessed when she moaned in appreciation. She nodded and he bent to kiss her neck.
This was the only place he wanted to be. And she was the only person he ever wanted to be with.
They hadn’t mentioned Mia’s earlier announcement or her reaction to it. He was biding his time for now. Instead he focused on making her feel good. And he could tell from the way she let her head roll from side to side that so far, he was successful.
He leaned up when she didn’t say anything. Then he heard a sniff and saw the worst thing ever.
Tears streamed down both cheeks as she looked up at the ceiling, her jaw clenched tight.
“Shit! What is it? Did I hurt you, Liss?” He removed his hands from her shoulders. She didn’t seem hurt. At least not physically.
A sob caught in her throat and she shook her head.
“You didn’t hurt me. I’m fine.”
“You’re obviously not fine. What is it? Please tell me.”
Again she shook her head.
“Alyssa, let me help you.”
He placed his fingers on her chin and guided her face toward him so she had no choice but to look at him. “Tell me.”
“I’m scared.”
“Of what?”
“Of…you.” Her voice shook as she tried to hide her face from him again. He released his grip immediately, though he hadn’t been holding her hard enough to cause pain.
“Me?” he choked. “I would never hurt you.” Again he looked her over, thinking she was suffering from some physical pain he had caused.
“I know that. It’s just this.” She moved her hand back and forth between them.
“This?” He didn’t understand.
“I didn’t want to go out with Mia last week. I wanted to be with you. I always want to be with you.” Her words finally clicked.
“I only ever want to be with you too,” he confessed.
“We said we weren’t going to let this happen,” she said as she pulled away from him. “We’re getting too comfortable with each other. And what happened with Mia and the Philly guy has me worried that I could end up wanting the same sort of thing with you.”
“That’s not necessarily a bad thing, Liss. We’re happy together. Why can’t we just go with it?”
“And what happens when it doesn’t work out? I’ll be right back where I was, with deeper scars and heavier baggage.”
“You don’t know that. Maybe this could be good.”
“I can’t. This isn’t what I signed up for. Don’t you get it? I’m too messed up. Anytime you work late or go to the gym, I wonder if that’s really where you are. It’s none of my business so I never ask, but I keep waiting for the cops to knock on the door to take you off to prison. I don’t let myself plan too far ahead because you might not be here.”
“I will be here. I’m not a rapist or anything else. I’m just a regular guy who wants to try to have something real with you.”
“I don’t do real, Grayson. I told you that from the beginning.”
“Then what do you want? Tell me how you want to handle this?” He couldn’t hide his panic. She looked like a caged animal about to run away and never come back. He couldn’t let that happen. He couldn’t lose her. Not until he had a chance to fix things.
“I think we should go back to just being roommates. Nothing else.”
Gray knew that would never work. Their attraction was undeniable. They wouldn’t be able to keep their hands off each other. But he was afraid if he refused, she would bolt.
“Okay,” he agreed hastily, holding up both hands. “We’ll do it how you want, until you feel safe enough to trust me. I’m not going anywhere, Alyssa. I’m willing to wait however long it takes for you to trust me.” He realized now it was too late to save himself. Everything he wanted was in the hands of this woman.
“I’m not going to change my mind. I can’t change my mind even if I wanted to. It doesn’t work that way. I’ll never be able to trust anyone. I’m broken,” she said, wiping tears from her cheeks. “I’m not meant to be happy. It wouldn’t be fair.”
This was not the first time she’d alluded to not deserving happiness.
“Of course you’re supposed to be happy. You didn’t do anything. You didn’t hurt those girls. Donnie did.”
“I didn’t stop him!”
“What do you mean?”
“I could have figured out what he was doing and stopped him.”
He stared at her for a moment wondering how she could think that. He wanted to tell her she was wrong, but he knew from the look on her face, he’d never convince her. She believed this for too many years.
He wanted to be the one to pick up the pieces and help her mend, but he didn’t know how. He remembered something Iz had mentioned about closure, and decided it would be worth a shot. He’d do anything to help her. Even visit her ex-fiancé in prison.
Over the next week, they kept their distance from each other. They didn’t even watch television together. Most evenings, Alyssa took her dinner to her room and stayed in there.
That was fine, it gave Grayson the time he needed to make travel plans and talk to his sister.
By Tuesday night, everything was in place.
* * * *
Something was up with Gray.
“I have a work thing I have to go to this evening. It might be late when I get back,” Gray said on Wednesday morning as they got ready for work.
“Okay.”
As if a reflex, he leaned down to kiss her, and then quickly pulled back. When he stood and didn’t meet her eyes, she knew he was lying.
She knew it as sure as if he had been wearing a T-shirt that said, “I don’t have a work thing tonight. I’m doing something I don’t want you to know about.”
“Have a nice day,” she said, trying to get him to look at her.
He just nodded and left.
For a few minutes, Alyssa tried to fight off tears. Stupid, irrational tears she had no business having. She and Gray weren’t together. She’d even told him he should go out with someone. But now that it seemed that was happening, she hated the idea.
When had she become fickle? She disliked fickleness.
Mia stopped in her office.
“Let me guess, you broke up with the guy?” Alyssa said as she pulled her laptop from her bag.
“No. I gave my notice. I was able to get a job in Philadelphia. And no, it’s not porn. It’s a legit job, thank you very much.”
“I’m sorry. I’m happy for you.”
“I don’t think you’re happy at all. What is going on?”
“Nothing.”
“Liar,” Mia called her out with an expectant frown. “Spill.”
“I told Grayson I didn’t want a relationship, like I’ve been telling him since we met. I think he’s going out with someone tonight.”
“Like you told him to do,” Mia said with her brows raised.
“Yeah.”
“You are so stupid.” Mia rolled her eyes. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
She couldn’t go into all the scary details about what was wrong with her. They had jobs to do.
“Too many things are wrong with me.”
“You’re in love with him, Liss.”
“No way.”
“You wouldn’t give a shit if he went out with someone tonight if you didn’t really care about him.”
“I don’t give a shit. He can do whomever he wants.” If she could say it without cringing, it might seem believable. Mia wasn’t falling for it.
“From the way he was looking at you, I’m pretty sure he’s got it all kinds of bad for you. There’s no way he’s seeing someone else. This is ridiculous. Why are you fighting this so hard?” Mia huffed and started to walk away. Then she returned. “And you are being stupid. I know. I used to think it was safer to not get close, but you know what? Not every guy is going to lie to you. Andy isn’t that kind of man and neither is Grayson.”
“I wish I could be sure that was true.” She couldn’t imagine Grayson hurting anyone or lying. But then she hadn’t imagined Donnie was capable of such a thing either.
“It doesn’t really matter if we want to or not. Sometimes our hearts take over. Do you love him?” It was a question now.
“Maybe.”
“And you told the man you love to go be with someone else?”
“When you say it like that, it sounds pretty stupid.”
“I don’t know what happened to you before. I know you’re hauling around a whole bunch of pain and heartache. You need to find a place to dump it so you can move on.”
“I can’t.”
“You have to find a way. This guy makes you happy. I can see it. You deserve to be happy.”
“No, I don’t,” she whispered under her breath as Mia’s phone rang. She held it out so Alyssa could see the caller before she answered.
“Hi, Kenley. Why are you calling so early in the morning?” Mia’s face broke into a smile and she nodded. Alyssa pulled out her phone to see that it was still on vibrate, and that she’d missed call and a text message:
The baby is here.
When the picture of the prune-faced angel wearing a tiny blue beanie came through, her heart twisted with loneliness. She had no idea she still wanted this.
She thought she’d pushed all those hopes and dreams far enough away that they would never see the light of day again. But she wanted things. Normal things.
Too bad she didn’t deserve to have them.
* * * *
Grayson stood outside the prison with his hand tapping his leg nervously. Even the building looked menacing. Maybe that was on purpose. Maybe it was supposed to make people want to walk the straight and narrow so they wouldn’t end up having to live in a place that looked so unappealing.
To make things worse, the sky was a dark gray with unsettling clouds moving in. He could smell rain in the air. A storm. How appropriate.
He walked inside, making sure to read every bold-lettered sign thoroughly so he didn’t accidentally do something that would keep him from leaving when his visit was over.
I can’t believe I’m doing this, he said to himself as he waited in line behind a bunch of scary-looking younger women and older women with defeat in their eyes.
He filled out the proper paperwork, and signed the consent form before he sat on the orange vinyl loveseat in the waiting area. One by one, people came and went until finally his name was called.