Five Months And A Day

Five months and a day—that’s how long it’s been since the accident. I’ve been going to therapy for the last fourteen weeks. Even though it’s a constant struggle, the thoughts of joining Noah and Belle are pretty much nonexistent at this point. I’ve come to understand I was never really a danger to myself, but it’s more about how I don’t know how to cope with this massive amount of guilt.

I’ve started writing Belle letters. I’m still not sure how to grieve for her, so I write down everything I want to tell her or talk to her about each week and seal it on Sunday. They’re just for me, and when I’m ready I’ll have to burn them, but it helps me feel closer to her.

The holidays were rough and the New Year was even worse. Sawyer kept me blissfully liquored up and took on more Nate duties for me through the harder days. Nate started crawling on Christmas day; I swear it was Noah somehow making his presence known. Cadence is walking now and with every single milestone these two hit, my tears flow in abundance. Mama comes over as much as she can to spend time with us, so does Karen.

Rory and I still haven’t talked much, but one of my promises to myself for the New Year is to finally sit down and watch Noah’s video. Maybe once I hear what he has to say I can listen to Rory with an open heart. It would hurt Noah, knowing Rory and I are at odds, so I want to make things right. Eli and Sawyer are still spending a good amount of time together. Unfortunately, up until Thanksgiving, Darren, Wyatt, and Sawyer were not.

I was convinced they all needed group therapy to learn how to stay friends without Noah, but something amazing happened. On Thanksgiving, Anna and Wyatt announced they’re having a baby. Anna is due in May and she’s having a boy. Something clicked into place after their announcement and they’ve been thick as thieves ever since, even bringing Eli into the fold. He’s getting ready to go on tour soon. I don’t know who is going to miss him more, me or Sawyer.

After Noah died, there was a part of me that was hesitant to let Eli comfort me. I didn’t want him to think we could try again. That was me being an idiot because Eli has so much more respect for me and Noah than to try anything like that. In fact, Eli has spent many nights in my big, comfy chair so he could be there to pull me from the nightmares plaguing me.

Tonight was one of those nights. The nightmare was so bad I tweaked my back and flared up my injury. Sawyer had just put Nate back to sleep when it happened. My nightmares scare him just as much as his scared me last year. After he coaxed me from the terror, he brought me a pain pill and a muscle relaxer. The doctor says I’m almost fully healed but these flare-ups could happen every so often.

As I lie here waiting for the pills to kick in, my mind races with all these errant thoughts. A lot of things have happened in the last few months. The most important being we found out the cause of the accident. It was truly that—an accident. The other driver had been coming down an incline when his brakes failed. No one knows why. He was forty-five with a wife and three young kids.

I feel like I should do something for them—Noah would have—but I’m just not sure what I can do. Anything seems like an empty gesture. The same thing goes for Harold’s family. The band took care of them, but there’s this nagging feeling that Noah would want me to do more. Which is another reason why I need to watch his video; I need to know what he expects from me. I spend my days still listening to the EP he made for me and a sad playlist I made that reminds me of him. Ray LaMontagne’s “A Falling Through” is setting the tone for my melancholy mood right now.

Every day, I show Nate and Cadence pictures of Belle and Noah. Cadence already says Mama and Dada and it’s the sweetest and most gut-wrenching thing. I know when Nate finally starts saying Dada I’m going to lose it. Even so, one of the things I’ve come to realize the past few months is Nate saved me. From the second I held him in the nursery that day, something clicked. I never imagined I could love someone the way I love him. It’s all-encompassing and I often hope Noah felt what I feel in that brief moment he was able to hold Nate in the hospital.

“Hey, Mel?” Sawyer calls from the doorway.

I blink back my tears and turn to him. “Come on in, Sawyer.” He’s holding his journal. He’s been writing in his spare time lately. I haven’t seen him without a notebook in his hands for months. He sits down on the bed and props himself against the headboard, so I follow suit.

“Even with therapy your nightmares are getting worse.”

“I’m sorry. You can just let me get through them … you don’t have to keep waking me up.”

He turns his green eyes to mine and they’re filled with pain. “I know what that’s like, Mel, and it fucking sucks. I’ve been working on a project for myself the past few months, but I realized tonight maybe it could help you.”

“What kind of project?”

He exhales and runs his hand through his already messy hair. “I guess you could say I’m chronicling my life with Noah. I started with the tour because it’s the freshest in my mind. Noah was more than my brother and twin, he was my best friend. I remember everything now, but someday I won’t.”

A single tear slips down his cheek and he brushes it away quickly. “The more I started writing, the more I realized I’m not only doing it for me. I’m doing it for Nate so he can really know his dad.”

“Oh, Sawyer … that’s … honestly the best gift you could give him.”

He laughs lightly. “I’m no writer, Mel. These are just recollections of what happened. The only people I’m comfortable sharing this with are Nate and you.”

“Me?”

“Yeah. There’s something I can share with you that might help. I started this journal the day after the funeral and I began with the night of the accident. Maybe if you read this, it will help jog your memory and eventually put your mind at ease enough to stop the nightmares.”

Holy shit. Do I want to read this?

“How bad is it, Sawyer?” I whisper.

“Pretty much every detail from when I got on the bus until after you woke up. You don’t have to read it now, or ever, Mel. It was just an idea.”

Reaching for his hand, I squeeze his fingers. “Thank you, Sawyer. I’d really like to read it. It’s scary, but it might help.”

“Can I ask you something, Mel?”

“You can ask me anything you want, Sawyer. I’m always an open book to you.” The two of us talk a lot now. I’ve learned about their childhood and he’s learned about mine. We’ve bonded over a lot of Pop-Tarts these past few months.

“This playlist of sad songs you have going all the time is depressing. But how did the song playing right now end up in the mix?” He’s referring to “Meet Me Halfway” by Kenny Loggins.”

His question makes me blush. “It’s kind of embarrassing, but it’s sort of like my death anthem? My dad played it constantly when my mom died. When he died, I played it all the time to remind me of them. I did the same when my grandma died, so it was just a natural instinct to put it on this playlist. And because it’s kind of a song about fate and destiny, it reminds me of Noah.”

“That makes sense. I was just curious. We all have our musical likes and dislikes. Noah loved eighties music, so I was wondering if it was something he used to play for you.”

“No, I didn’t even know he had a soft spot for the eighties, but I do, too. It’s kind of bittersweet, you know? Learning things about him now. I want to know everything, but it makes me angry I didn’t have the chance to learn it from him myself.”

“We sure got fucking gypped, didn’t we, Princess? You know what kills me? Knowing my kids will never get to know their Uncle Noah. He’s always been the most important and influential person in my life and my wife and kids will never know him.”

I squeeze his hand again and catch his eyes with mine. “It would bother him, too, Sawyer. He was so proud of you. We often talked about what he wanted to do after the tour and do you know what he wanted most?”

“To be a dad, have sex, and make lots of brothers and sisters for Nate?” he says with a chuckle.

“Well, yeah,” I say with a smile, recalling Noah’s excitement for all of that, “but he wanted to manage you. Noah said you are the most talented person he’d ever known and he hoped you’d keep working in some capacity. Personally, I think he really wanted you to go solo.”

“He wanted to manage me?”

“More than anything.”

Sawyer leans back against the headboard and blows out a breath. “I’m not sure what I want to do, Mel. Right now, I know the first year isn’t for doing anything but being with you and Nate. I hope you don’t think I’m overstepping, and I know I can’t replace Noah, but I love the fuck out of Nate. I want to give him everything Noah would have, my time, my love, just everything.”

This vulnerable part of Sawyer is what drew me to him in the beginning. It’s the part of him that used to make me weak in the knees. This is the real Sawyer. Ever since the accident, Sawyer has been more of his true self than I’ve ever seen.

“Noah wanted you to be Nate’s guardian if something would have happened to us. We had agreed you and Belle could split custody. No matter what happens in the future, this is what Noah would want. You’re not overstepping, Sawyer. You’re the only person I trust to guide Nate in the same way Noah would have.”

Sawyer clears his throat. “Do you think you’ll get remarried someday?”

I’m still wearing my wedding rings. I can’t imagine ever wanting to take them off.

“Right now, I can’t picture it. I don’t want to be sad for the rest of my life, and I know there can be a lot of good step-parents out there, but … I don’t want someone stepping into my world and trying to guide my son. And I don’t see how a relationship could even work if I weren’t willing to bend on that a bit. Especially if there were other kids … eventually. In Noah’s absence, Nate is mine and yours to guide. I don’t expect you to be my co-parent. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you, but I hope you two will be close enough that he’ll see you often and not hesitate to pick up the phone when he needs you.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Mel. We’re in this together. We’ll figure out logistics and stuff when and if it comes to that.”

After yawning, I turn the question around on him. “What about you? Are you putting more thought into marriage and kids now? I know you mentioned in your wedding speech you’d been thinking about it.”

“I’ve always wanted kids. With the limited time I spent with Saylor and Emme, it cemented what I knew a long time ago. Now, with all the time I’ve spent with Nate and Cadence, I know it even more. The relationship part, though … I’m not sure. I don’t like letting people into my world. Maybe I’ll just hire surrogates or something and be the cool single dad.”

Sawyer would make an amazing husband, but I’m not sure I’m the right person to convince him of that. Selfishly, I don’t want to encourage him right now. The sooner he starts dating, the sooner Nate and I stand to lose him. I can’t imagine any sane girl out there will have much compassion for his relationship with his brother’s widow and her kid.

Sawyer stands when Nate starts crying. “Do you want me to take over tonight? I know he’s teething and uncomfortable.”

“Nah, I got it, Mel. You need to rest. If you can’t sleep, read the journal. Maybe it can help.”

An hour later, I’ve finished reading Sawyer’s journal and my heart is shattered into a million pieces. I haven’t cried this hard in a while. There are so many things I never knew, like Darren holding Belle’s body in the middle of the road. I can’t even begin to imagine what that must have been like for him. Even after all that, he’s still managed to push through for Cadence. It makes me feel like such a coward.

What hurts most is reading how selfish I’ve been. Not that Sawyer said so. On the contrary, his words perfectly explained my pain and grief. But this amazing family put my needs before theirs when we were all hurting so much. I understand Rory’s fury on a whole other level now. Everything they’ve done since the accident they’ve done because they don’t want to let Noah down. And also because they love me and my son.

There’s one other thing I have to know for sure. I have to see it for myself, so I head to Sawyer’s room. Even though it’s three in the morning, he’s sitting in bed strumming his guitar.

“Is it true?” I ask as he looks up at me.

“Is what true?” he replies, confused.

“You have pictures of Noah and Nate?” As I walk closer to the bed, he pulls his phone from the bedside table.

“I’m sorry I didn’t show them to you sooner. I wanted to, but with your injuries, I was waiting until you were better. Then there was the incident at the cemetery and the therapy. I wasn’t sure when a good time would be.”

“Now, Sawyer. A good time is right now. Please,” I plead as I climb up next to him.

Sawyer hands me his phone and I’m breathless as I look down at it. Noah’s eyes are filled with a happiness I’ve never seen, a peaceful glow radiates from him. His smile is everything. In the subsequent shot he’s kissing Nate; my heart fills and shatters at the same time. I’m not sure I could have handled seeing these before—I’m barely hanging on now–but they’re the best gift anyone could have given me.

“Thank you, Sawyer,” I tell him through my sobs. Sawyer sets his phone aside and pulls me into his arms.

“They’re backed up on my computer and the cloud, and I’m pretty sure everyone in the family already has them, too. I didn’t want to take any chances losing them. You can thank Veronica for that, it was her idea.”

Words begin flowing from my mouth as tears continue to fall from my eyes. I ramble about Sawyer’s journal, how painful it was for me to read it, and how it filled in so many missing pieces. I apologize again and again for being selfish. My medication has fully kicked in by now and I don’t hold anything back. Sawyer continues to hold me, comfort me, and reassure me in my time of need.

The next thing I know it’s morning and I wake up alone in Sawyer’s bed. Freaked out, I’m wondering how and why I’m here, then it all comes back to me. After using the restroom and washing my face, I make my way to the kitchen for some coffee.

Sawyer is lying on the couch with a pillow and a blanket and Nate is lying on top of him. My heart aches at the sight. My mind easily flips Sawyer’s face for Noah’s as I imagine them together. At the same time, there’s a huge part of me that is in awe of the love between Nate and Sawyer; I’d never want to see that disappear.

As quietly as I can, I make Sawyer and myself a cup of coffee. I know as soon as Sawyer smells the coffee he’ll wake up. Even though he’s conditioned himself for late nights on the road, he’s still a morning person. When I set our cups on the table, Nate lifts his head and looks around. My little monkey is a morning person, too—the one trait he didn’t get from his daddy.

When Nate sees me walking toward him, he blesses me with a huge smile. His two bottom teeth have finally poked through. Again, it’s another beautiful moment laced with lingering sadness; Noah is missing another milestone. I’ve got to try and get past this because Nate and Cadence’s lives are going to be filled with milestones Noah and Belle aren’t here for. My therapist says I’m always going to be reminded of Noah and Belle in the happiest times and finding balance is key. I need to find a way to turn that sadness into happiness, be thankful I’m here to see these blessings, and celebrate with enough joy for all of us.

“Nate! Look at your new teeth!” I exclaim as I scoop him out of Sawyer’s arms. Darren and Cadence make their way out and Nate smiles when he sees Cadence toddling toward him. He thinks Cadence walking is the funniest thing and it makes him laugh big, deep, belly laughs that have us all in stitches.

“Dude! You’re going to be eating cookies with Cadence in no time,” Darren calls out as Sawyer sits up.

“Sorry, Sawyer, I didn’t mean to kick you out of your bed last night. I made you some coffee.”

Sawyer heads straight for the coffee and takes a few sips before talking. “It’s all good, Mel. Nate had a rough night, but he went right to sleep after those teeth popped through. I figured he’d be less likely to wake up if he were sleeping with me. Besides, you needed your rest after last night.”

“Yeah, speaking of … do either of you have plans today?”

“I’m free all day,” Darren says.

“Actually, uh, I have plans with Lola,” Sawyer replies, and Darren and I whip around in surprise. I’m not sure what I was expecting him to say, but it wasn’t that.

“What do you need, Mel? I can help you,” Darren asks, avoiding Sawyer’s comment like the plague. He doesn’t like Lola, either, from what Anna has told me.

“I’m going to watch Noah’s video today and I need someone to take care of Nate because … well …”

“Say no more,” Darren says, holding up his hand. “I’ll take care of him.”

“Are you really going to do it?” Sawyer asks with a concerned expression.

“After reading your journal last night, yeah. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow afternoon, so the timing couldn’t be better.”

“I’ll cancel on Lola.”

“No, you don’t have to. I don’t want to mess up your date.”

Sawyer laughs loudly. “It’s not a date, Mel. She’s been calling since the funeral and wants to catch up over lunch. I’m not going to get her off my back until I meet up with her.”

“You give us enough of your time. You should go. Darren will help today. I have to start doing more things myself. I’ve been selfish too long.”

“Hey, where is that coming from? You’re one of the least selfish people I’ve ever met.” Darren nails me with a what-the-fuck look and I respond with a shrug as I take Nate to change his diaper. He and Sawyer continue talking about it when I walk away.

“You know, Nate, Mommy has been a mess since Daddy and Auntie Belle went to heaven. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get my life back on track, or if there will ever be a day when I’m not sad. You make everything better, baby boy. Mommy has to do something really hard today, so you’re going to spend the day with Uncle Darren.” Nate smiles and kicks his feet at my words.

“If you want my opinion, you’re not doing any worse than anyone else in your situation would have. It takes time and patience, Mel. Fortunately, we’ve got that in spades.”

Sawyer’s words caress my soul, but I don’t turn around. I won’t be able to keep myself from crying if I do. I’m not sure why he feels the need to follow me when it’s obvious I need a minute.

“I canceled on Lola. Noah’s video wrecked me, Mel. Even if Darren can help with Nate, someone needs to be here for you.”

After picking up Nate, I spin around. “I don’t want to be your burden, Sawyer, and I don’t want to get in the way of you living your life. Even if it is with Lola.”

“Whoa … take three steps back and breathe, Princess. Number one … you’re not a burden, you are my friend. Number two … I get to choose how to live my life and family never gets in the way, family is always priority. And number three … what’s your beef with Lola?”

My eyes roll back and I take a deep breath. I could kick myself for saying anything about her. “Nothing. I just heard she was bad news back in the day and don’t want to see you wrapped up with someone like her. Noah wouldn’t, either.”

He leans back against the wall and smirks at me. “You know she used to date Noah, right?”

“Yeah, and I heard she showed her inner tramp and he dumped her ass.”

“She did, and he did, and I’m sure you also heard I turned her down, too. I’m not interested in Lola, Mel.”

With a sigh, I catch his gaze with mine. “It’s not my business if you are.”

“The hell it’s not.”

His vehement tone stops me in my tracks. “I don’t know what you want me to say, Sawyer.”

“I want you to say you’re going to hold me to a higher standard, Mel. I want you to say you’re going to call me on my shit. I want you to say you’re going to do anything and everything in your power to keep me in line like Noah would have! I’m doing everything Noah would have wanted and expected of me and I expect for you to do the same.”

“Sawyer, you’re a grown man and it’s not up to me to keep you in line. But I have called you out on your shit since day one and I will continue to do so. If you want me to tell you when I think Noah would agree or disagree, I can easily do that. Stay the fuck away from Lola. I don’t know if she’s crazy or just a whore, but one usually follows closely behind the other.”

With a smile too sinful for his own good, Sawyer begins clapping. “There she is. I was beginning to wonder if the snarky bitch inside you was still there. I’m glad to see she was just taking a breather.” Sawyer grabs Nate from me and kisses me on the cheek. “I love you, Mel. Thanks for showing me you still care.”

Sawyer takes Nate out of the room and leaves me standing behind in awe. He’s never told me he loves me before. I know he doesn’t mean it like that, but this whole incident is surreal nonetheless.