Unfinished Business

Cadence turned two this week and I can’t believe so much time has passed. I have loved watching every second of her growth and consider myself beyond blessed to be here for it when Belle can’t be. Last month, Noah would have been thirty-one—another milestone he wasn’t here for. It was a hard pill for all of us to swallow. We did our best to make it through and make it special for Sawyer. I’m not sure he’ll ever get to a place where his birthdays are actually happy again, but I hope he can.

We have a foundation meeting next week so I can announce my final choice of causes to launch with. It’s been hard trying to narrow them down; I feel like something important is missing but I can’t put my finger on it.

Noah’s EP releases in June and the hype around it is staggering. Sawyer and I have a ton of interviews lined up over the next few months. Neither of us wanted to do them, to subject ourselves to the spotlight that way, but we’re doing this for Noah and we agreed to do it together.

I’ve also made a decision and I need to act on it today before I chicken out. It’s something Noah was supposed to help me with, which makes it a bit more difficult. Even so, I’ve made the calls and things are set up and waiting for me, I just need Sawyer to hold my hand. I’m hoping if I can get through this, I can get closer to being able to pack up Noah’s things. To get some final closure so I can stop holding back any piece of myself from Sawyer. Ever since Valentine’s Day, we’ve been closer than ever and I don’t want to lose any of the momentum we’ve gained. I’m tired of getting close to him only to have to take three steps back.

His arms wrap around me from behind and I fall into them with ease. “You’re up even earlier than normal.”

I spin around in his arms and hug him fiercely. “I need to do something today. Will you help me?”

“Of course, what is it?”

“I’d rather show you. Mama is keeping the kids until tomorrow, so now is the perfect time.”

“It must be important, you didn’t even wait for me to shower with you.”

“It is. Besides, last time we showered together we almost forgot to use a condom. We have to be more careful.”

His expression softens. “Would it be so bad if we forgot? Or stopped using them altogether?”

Whoa, where did this come from?

“Sawyer, this is a big conversation to try to have first thing in the morning before coffee. Can we table this for now and come back to it later?”

“I’ll agree because you have something on your mind. But I do want to come back to it soon, Mel. We need to start thinking long-term and it would be nice to give Nate some siblings that would be close in age.”

After he hops in the shower, I find my anxiety medication and take one. I’m not taking them so much anymore, but talking about certain topics really flares me up for some reason. Living in the now with Sawyer is all I want but whenever we begin to discuss anything future-related, I freak out. I wonder if it’s because I’m not over Noah yet and I haven’t fully accepted the loss of our future together.

That’s silly, though, right? Sawyer makes me just as happy as Noah did, some days it seems even more so. But I chalk that up to the short amount of time Noah and I had together. Whatever it is, it’s all the more reason why today is so important.

Once Sawyer is dressed, Mac picks us up. I’ve already given him the address and he stopped for coffee and pastries on the way over.

Sawyer looks inside the pastry bag and pulls out a butterfly donut. “You must be buttering me up,” he says before taking a huge bite.

“Maybe a little bit, but I also know what makes you happy and cinnamon tucked into the center of some dough seems to be your favorite.”

“You’re my favorite, but this is a close second.” While he groans his appreciation and continues eating, I sip my coffee and think about the day ahead of us.

We ride in silence, Sawyer giving me much-needed space. That might be one of my favorite things about him; he’s an excellent judge of my moods and adjusts accordingly. He can also be a bit moody himself and I pride myself on being able to pick up on them and give him what he needs as well.

When Mac pulls up to the gates of the estate, he punches in the code I gave him earlier and Sawyer lets out a low whistle. “Is this what I think it is?” he asks, looking out the window.

“If you think it’s my parent’s house, then yes.” Outside the front door is a pallet full of cardboard boxes, rolls and rolls of bubble wrap, and there should be quite a few tape guns and markers out there somewhere.

“What’s going on, Princess? It looks like a packing party.”

The car comes to a stop and we all get out. “Mac, you’re welcome to take a tour, hang out by the pool, make yourself at home inside, or we can call you when we’re done.”

“I’ve got my shorts and I’m ready for a dip. Thanks for the heads up, Mel. Let me know if you need help. I’ll come do the heavy lifting.”

“Hey! You trying to say I can’t do some heavy lifting?” Sawyer asks. Mac laughs while I try to hold back my own laughter.

“I think what Mac meant is we’ve got a lot to do and all hands on deck would be nice.”

“Or that I’ve got a hundred and fifty pounds on you, give or take, and it’s all muscle.” Mac’s still laughing.

“Yeah, yeah, Popeye. Go to the pool and eat your spinach.”

Mac heads off to explore, and I pull Sawyer down to my lips for a kiss. “Your body is hot, Sawyer, and your muscles are nothing to laugh at. But you pay Mac to be as big as he is for a reason. He keeps you safe, so you can keep coming home to me.”

“You always know just what to say, Princess. Now, tell me why we’re here. What’s really going on?”

Lacing my fingers through his, I look up at him. “I’m not good with closure, obviously. My dad has been gone for over fifteen years and this house is the same as it was when my mom died. I’m pretty sure I got my avoidance from him.”

“You’re babbling, Mel.”

“I know, but this is hard. Don’t get mad. The other day, I was sitting in Noah’s closet again.”

Sawyer exhales softly and squeezes my fingers tighter. “Why do you keep doing that to yourself?”

“Because I don’t know how to let him go, not completely. And I know it’s holding us back. Last night, I realized if I can’t even let my parents go and pack up their things, there’s no way I’ll ever be able to pack up Noah’s. This is me trying, Sawyer. The only way out is through, right? That’s what your mom tells me all the time.”

“I’m on board, Mel, with whatever you need from me, but I just wish …” He pauses, his eyes reflecting his pain.

“What do you wish, Sawyer?”

“It’s selfish, and I know things worked out this way for a reason and I wouldn’t change them for so many reasons, but I wish I wasn’t second best … that I would have been your first choice all along.”

His words make me gasp for air. “Sawyer, please don’t think that. I don’t know how to explain it. Honestly, the fact you feel that way makes me extremely sad. There is nothing second best about you. I don’t want to diminish the way you feel because if you are feeling this way this is something we have to rectify. Can we talk about this later? When we have all the time in the world to focus on how I can get you to understand there is nothing second place about you in my heart?”

“Yeah, I’m sorry I brought it up. Today is going to be a good day. Come on, show me Joey Triton’s house.”

Sawyer’s words have really affected me. He must be rationalizing those thoughts in his head because he’s seen how difficult it’s been for me to try to move on from Noah. But I have to make this right somehow. Sawyer is too incredible of a person to ever consider himself second best of anything.

“Wow, this place is amazing.” The awe in his tone makes me smile. I think Sawyer is fangirling a bit right now.

“Come here, let me show you something I know you’ll love.” I lead him down the main hall into my dad’s office, which is really two adjoining rooms filled with awards, guitars, and a desk.

“Holy shit, Mel!” Sawyer releases my hand and walks around the room slowly. He takes everything in as if it were a museum.

“Fuck, Princess, you can’t get rid of this stuff. Name your price, I’ll buy the house and everything in it, as is. We’ll turn it into a smaller version of Graceland or something.”

“If I thought you were serious, I’d give it to you,” I say with a smile.

“You’d just give me a multi-million-dollar estate? No questions asked?”

“Of course I would. Are you serious?”

“It’s tempting, but no. All I want is for you to get whatever closure you need. And maybe that Martin over there, that’s a fucking classic.”

He’s looking at that guitar like he looks at me when he’s about to devour my body. “It’s yours. Whatever you want, you can have. I’m thinking we can auction some of the leftovers off to raise money for the foundation.”

“You’re not keeping anything?”

“As we go through it all, I’ll figure out what is actually sentimental and put it aside. I’ve lived without anything in this house for most of my life, and I never spent much time here anyway.”

He spins around the room and shakes his head. “Okay, here’s what I think. We call Darren, Wyatt, Warren, and Ryan, and get them over here. Take an hour or so and walk down memory lane. Then pick a room and start there. After you’ve cleared a room of what you want, we can go through behind you and decide what any of us want or what to auction off. Anything left gets donated. They’ll get a kick out of being here and you get a clear conscience.”

“You’re sexy when you take charge,” I tell him, hopping up on the desk.

With a groan, he stalks toward me. “And you’d make my every fantasy come true if I could spread you out and fuck you over Joey’s desk. But since he’s your dad, and that has to be crossing some sort of invisible creepy line, we’ll forget I ever said anything.”

Taking his hand in mine, I lead him down the hall to my childhood bedroom and close the door. “Not over his desk, but how about in my childhood bedroom? That has to be all sorts of wrong on some level.”

He pushes me against the wall and holds my hands above my head. “So wrong, but so fucking right.”

Three hours and three orgasms later, we’ve all found our groove. The guys have all busted a nut over the Triton legacy. It hasn’t been nearly as hard as I thought it would be to do this, either. Maybe after losing Belle and Noah, dealing with the loss of my parents seems further away and less painful.

“How are you doing, Amelia?” Warren asks as he enters my parents’ bedroom.

“I’m doing better than I thought I would be. I think I built this up in my head to be harder than it actually is.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” he says, looking at a photo of my mom and dad hanging on the wall, “I think this would have been very difficult for the woman who sat down in my office almost three years ago. But for the Amelia standing in front of me, who has ridden the flames of hell and managed to extinguish them, it’s a piece of cake.”

“I haven’t extinguished anything. Noah’s closet taunts me daily, as does his office.”

His expression softens. “Give yourself time, it hasn’t been all that long.”

“Mama packed up Belle’s apartment in less than a month.”

“That was a different situation and you know it. She didn’t have the luxury of letting it sit. And from what I understand, you haven’t gone through any of those boxes she has waiting for you, either.”

“Well, maybe if I can do this, I can face those.”

Warren gives me a sad smile. “Even if it takes you another ten years, the world won’t stop turning. There’s no rush.”

“There is, though. I need to stop hurting Sawyer.”

“Is that what you think? That you’re hurting him by not erasing all traces of Noah? Come on, Mel, please tell me you don’t really believe that?” The astonished look he shoots my way slays me.

“I love him, Warren. But something is holding me back. If I can do this, I can move forward, right?”

Warren pulls me into a fatherly hug and lets me sob onto his chest. “You will always love Noah. Loving Sawyer won’t change that. It won’t put Noah on the back burner, and it won’t change what you had. And it shouldn’t. Every love is different and all the great loves of our lives should be unique. But Sawyer brings you to life in a different way.”

“How do you mean?”

“Noah coaxed you out of your shell. He made you his world and that made him happy. You two explored love and relished each new fun and happy thing. But you two were safe. There’s nothing wrong with that. You would have had a timeless marriage, and it would have been a privilege to be a part of your journey.”

He pauses and looks me over. “With Sawyer, you’ve blossomed. You’re happy and playful. You’ve thrived in your role as mother and aunt. It’s like your whole aura has opened another dimension. You give as good as you get and you’re living outside of the box. The two of you suffered one of the worst losses anyone could imagine and you rose out of the ashes drenched in love for each other. With Sawyer, your Triton shows, Amelia, and it’s pretty fucking incredible to witness.”

“Are you saying you think I picked Noah because he was safe?” The panicked words fly from my lips as I try to catch up with my emotions.

“Absolutely not. You picked Noah because he was the perfect man for you at the right time. The tides have shifted, Mel. Now Sawyer is the perfect man for you at the right time. You’re not any happier now than you were then, it’s just a different kind of happiness that radiates from you. And from him, he’s not that cocky bastard you put in his place that night.”

I nail him with a raised brow and he laughs, lifting his arms in surrender. “Okay, maybe he is, but he’s a lot more than that now. You challenge each other in all the best ways.”

Taking a seat on the edge of the bed, I make a confession. “I’m in love with him, Warren, head over heels, but I’m terrified of the future and I can’t talk to him about it. He mentions kids and I need anxiety pills.”

He takes a seat next to me and sighs. “I’m an old guy who has spent most of my years with rock stars. Most of them, commitment-phobes. That’s not you, Mel. It could simply be that you’re terrified to plan because you’re afraid it will be ripped away from you. Like your parents, like Belle, like Noah.”

He’s right.

“I’m all for living in the moment. I did it for years before Sam. But there’s something to be said for living in the moment and still planning for the future.”

“Thanks for the pep talk, Warren. What do you say we finish up here and go back to the house and drink?”

“I say that’s a hell of a plan. Did I ever tell you about the time Joey and I threw your mom in the pool …”

Later that night, Sawyer and I are lying in bed and I’m tucked into his arm. My fingers trail over his chest and I’m overwhelmed with emotions. Maybe it’s the tequila shots we did, or maybe I’m coming down from an endorphin high from earlier today.

“Sawyer,” I whisper softly.

“What’s up, Princess?”

“Someday, I want to have lots of babies with you.” His arms tighten around me with my confession.

“Define lots.”

“Two, maybe three …”

He chuckles against the top of my head. “I consider lots five or six, but I’ll take two or three for now. Besides, since twins run in the family, it could be five or six kids in the long run.”

“If we have kids, do you think–”

“When, Princess, there is no ‘if’ allowed in that sentence.”

“Okay, when. Do you think you’ll love them differently than Nate?” The thought makes me sad, and he’s quiet for a long while.

With a sigh, he responds, “I might.” My heart shatters. “I’m not sure I could love any child more than I love Nate. He’ll always be my favorite kid, but you can’t tell anyone that, it’s like a parent handbook law or something.” Relief rushes through me, temporarily. “Do you think you’ll love our kids as much as you love Nate?”

 

The question throws me because my automatic answer I want to give makes me sound like a horrible human. But I don’t want to hold anything back from Sawyer anymore, no matter how bad it makes me sound.

“Mel? Did I lose you?”

“I’m afraid I’ll love them more because they’re a part of you.”

He stills with my confession. “That will never happen, Nate is too awesome. If anything, you’ll just be like all the moms and claim you love them the same.”

“Can I ask you something?”

He laughs again. “I thought we already decided you could ask me anything, anytime.”

“You said you loved me before the accident. Do you know when you realized you knew?”

“It was the night at Sully’s. When you saved me from my sleep demons. That night, you treated me with love and compassion, and I knew I was already a goner.”

That was so early. Noah and I hadn’t even had sex at that point.

“The night you kissed me in your bathroom, I knew there was something special about you. Scary special. Belle and I even talked about it afterward.”

“You talked to Belle about me? How did that conversation go?”

“You know how Belle was, she had so many questions.”

Sawyer smiles. “She was a force to be reckoned with, for sure. What did she want to know?”

“She was blown away that you nicknamed me. She said she’d never heard of you doing that before. And she wanted to know what it was like to kiss you.”

He groans against my neck. “And what was it like, Mel? Tell me and maybe I’ll do it again.”

I whimper as he flicks his tongue against my heated skin. “I told her kissing you made me believe in the devil because nothing could feel that good without being completely damning to my soul. Our chemistry scared me.”

His mouth moves across mine, his tongue swiping over my lips and slowly dipping inside to meet mine. This feeling is everything it was back then and more. Before I can lose myself completely in his kiss, he pulls away, leaving me breathless.

“What did she say?”

“She said I shouldn’t push you away because if it felt that good you must have been sent by God himself.”

Sawyer chuckles against my lips. “Sounds like she might have been onto something.”

“Hm, maybe she was,” I answer, lost in the memory. That was a great day. It was the first day I joined the tour.

“Is that actually how you felt?” he asks softly.

“Yeah, it really is. It scared me, a lot. All I could think about was my parents and what a disaster their marriage turned into with all that chemistry.”

Sawyer props himself up on his elbow and trails his fingers down my arm. “We’re not them, Mel, and we never will be.”

“I know that now, but I was scared back then. Getting back on a bus, heading out on tour, it was all frightening but in the best possible way. My favorite thing about waking up in the morning was talking to you. Getting to know all the little things you deemed it okay for me to know. Becoming your friend was one of the best feelings in the world. But then …”

“Then what?” he prompts.

“We ended up in the same elevator the day I was drunk and you were with that groupie.”

He groans. “Don’t remind me. I was a complete ass.”

“You were, and I was so jealous. I wouldn’t admit it to myself then, but I was fuming. I wanted to scratch her eyes out.”

He brings his lips to mine and his tongue dips inside my mouth, taking a quick taste. “She was a horrible lay if that helps.”

“Jesus, Sawyer. No, it doesn’t.” But I can’t hold back my laughter.

“Why are you telling me all of this?” he asks.

“I’m not sure. I think I want you to realize my feelings back then weren’t so cut and dry. If I hadn’t been ruled by my fear, the decision between you and Noah may not have been so black and white. I hate that you feel like you’re in second place. It hurts my heart, Sawyer. A lot.”

Sawyer wraps his arms around me and kisses me again, deeper and slower. With each stroke of his tongue against mine I don’t just feel that spark of chemistry, I feel his undying love. When he releases me, I run my thumb across his lips.

“What about Noah? Did he know?”

“No, I never told him, there was no point. Whatever feelings I had for you were separate from him. Even though I played it safe, I don’t feel like Noah was the safe choice. At the time, he was the only choice I was comfortable with, and I will always cherish our time together and our son. But that says more about me than anything. I wasn’t ready for the overwhelming sensations that come from loving you back then, but I am now. The two of you cast some kind of spell on me. And I will never, ever, regret my time with him. I consider our love and marriage one of the biggest blessings of my life. I will always miss him.”

“Me, too.”

“Sawyer, you make me whole. You bring me to life, and you are also one of my biggest blessings. Someday, I’m going to figure out a way to write this down, to show you my feelings in a broad sense so you can understand it was never first or second, win or lose. It was … fate.” He groans, and I laugh. “I know, but I guess Noah rubbed off on me after all. Fate gave me to him to make his last days the best of his life. And fate gave me to you so the rest of our days can be the best days of our lives.”

 

“Sometimes, it gets to me that Noah had you. I was already second out of the womb so I’ve got issues in that department. If I get down in the dumps about it, I promise it will pass. Even if I was a little bit of a sore loser, I was happy for you and Noah. Without the two of you we wouldn’t have Nate and our son is the light of my life. He is all the best parts of you and Noah in one perfect little package. The way his eyes light up when he calls me Daddy Sawyer is the best high I’ve ever had. The point is, I know we’re where we should be right now and there’s no point dredging over the past again and again because we’re already living our future.”

It’s times like these I completely understand how I fell in love with Sawyer Weston.

“Sawyer?”

“Yeah?”

“Make love to me.”

He bites my bottom lip and flashes me that sexy-ass dimple. “It would be my absolute pleasure. And Princess, just so you know … you’re the only woman I’ve ever nicknamed.”

I’m not sure why that makes my heart soar, but it does.